Note: I found Internet. It's all in the next chapter.

Well. I don't know when I'll get a chance to post this where Yuki said she posts the stuff, but it's currently 1/8/14 at 9:42 PM while I'm writing this.

Haruhi didn't win our little contest. Despite her powers, I was the one who survived the entire nightmare. Actually, I normally would've been dead meat, but Yuki's pills gave me an edge. It also helped that she was incapable of using her powers on me directly. I have no idea how a loophole of that magnitude appeared, but I'm taking it.

I figured that Haruhi would probably be able to break any bonds I could put on her, or disappear them at will, so I decided the best course of action was to sit on her. It sounds weird, but the actuality is weirder. I mean, I'm sitting on top of Haruhi, typing away at a random laptop I found lying around. It still has plenty of power left, so I should be good for a while.

Oh, I checked the website Yuki posts these things to. It seems Mikuru had picked up the slack for me. I was the reason she stopped, I'm sad to say. I had to hit them all with the teleportation setting on my gun, sending them to the new Japan. I didn't realize Mikuru was still in the middle of a report. Anyway, now they shouldn't remember anything. It's for the better. Now, only I (and a thousand or so monks) would be able to be victimized by Haruhi.

It makes me feel better, for some reason.

About the death of my family - I just don't know. I'm not even sure they're really dead. It's really hard to imagine getting back to my world and seeing my family again, but know they were simulates.

In fact, the opposite, where my own simulate continues to interact with my real parents is very creepy as well. So I'm kinda stuck wondering if they're better off in whatever afterlife exists. They'll never have to deal with this, anyway.

So, here I sit. The fight with Haruhi wasn't that impressive. It was the equivalent of a regular schoolboy fight, just with teleportation involved. I noted before why I won, and won't reiterate.

Huh.

I'm bored. For the first time since I met Haruhi, I have nothing to do. Well, I still could write that IDSE story...

Er, that one girl, the one that read Yuki's books? She read my reports and latched onto my throwaway line about the IDSE/Canopy war. I'm told that these reach the outside world, so I guess I'll write up that story while I wait for Haruhi to wake up.

It was September of 2012. Second year of high school, after the summer. Last year at this time, I was still reeling from the Endless 8 incident.

This time, two extraterrestrial forces had declared war on each other, and decided to use earth as a battleground.

It lasted four weeks.

It started when Yuki showed up to the club room after I got there. I think it was the third of september, but don't quote me on that. When she finally got there, I had to take a second glance. She was actually showing emotion, and not a good one.

"Come." she then turns and walks back out.

I leap up, grab my bag, and tear after her. She was so rarely upset I literally dropped everything and ran to help her out.

I finally caught up to her in the courtyard, where she talks to Ryoko Asakura, the president's assistant. I hardly have time to remember that she's kind of part of the IDSE-

And I get transported somewhere really weird.

It really didn't help that it was filled to the brim with girls. Through the latent "Am I dreaming?" thoughts, I realized that these must be the rest of the interfaces the IDSE had sent out.

There was a lot of them. It was practically a sea of girls. If this wasn't so serious, I might've thought I had died and gone to... Well, heaven seemed just a bit of a stretch, but purgatory at least.

A brilliant light shines down from the ceiling, all of the girls (I refuse to call them units) look at the light with rapt attention.

And they continue to do so for a good fifteen minutes, during which time I didn't hear anything, nor could I get Yuki's attention.

Only once the light disappeared would Yuki respond.

"The Data Overmind has given all of us orders. Since the Sky Canopy Dominion has unofficially declared war on us we are to strike back. I requested your presence, since you would be the best available neutral party."

I only take long enough to drag my jaw off the floor before responding. "Um, I'm hardly neutral. I'm completely on your side."

"Nonetheless, you are not of either entity, yet you have knowledge of both. You also lack any agenda motivated by outside forces."

I contemplate her words. When Yuki speaks, she means what she says. Finally, I realize that she's probably completely right. "Sure, I'll be your go between. As long as nobody decides to draw a knife on me, I'll be fine."

Yuki actually winces. I stare at her for a good 30 seconds in disbelief before she talks again. "There is another detail. Ryoko Asakura has been requisitioned as your bodyguard."

"I can't possibly see how that could go wrong!" I snark.

The Overmnd took that moment to appear. Yuki later assured me that it did not have the capacity to understand sarcasm, or even understand human speech. However, the girl next to him, a slightly older looking Ryoko Asakura giggles at my outburst.

"Hey! I missed you!" she calls out.

"I didn't."

Asakura pouts. "C'mon, are you still sore about that knife thing?"

"Hmm, let's see. YES!"

Yuki steps in front of me and shakes her head slightly, making eye contact before focusing on Asakura and the Data Overmind.

They have some sort of conversation that I am unable to hear or understand.

Or maybe they just had a staring contest. I don't know.

Yuki eventually turns back to me. "Asakura has been reprogrammed. You are in less danger by being in her presence than without her by your side. In the meantime, I will be fighting wherever I am needed. I will provide a rudimentary clone so that it appears that I am still attending school."

With that, she turns and teleports away with the Data Overmind.

Asakura walks over to me with a skip in her step. "I finally get to leave this dull prison!" she exclaims before I can utter a word.

"Prison?"

"Yeah, not really. It's actually very nice. But I got used to having people to talk to on a regular basis, and since we only come here to report, I only got to talk to some units for a very brief amount of time. But you don't care about that. Anyway, I'm your bodyguard and teleporter for the time being."

"Okay. So what's your cover story?"

"Cover story?"

I resist the urge to facepalm, as that would cover my eyes, which I really didn't want to do around Asakura. "Why are you back in Japan?"

"I don't know. Maybe I just came back?"

I grimace. "Haruhi will buy that explanation for about three nanoseconds. Hmm. Maybe you've just come back for vacation?"

She shrugs. "I don't care. It's your job to deal with Haruhi. I mean, it's not like she's been boring enough lately to make my faction act." she sidles up right next to me. "You are safe as long as she's not bored, in other words."

I briefly wonder if she knew just how much trouble everyone would be in if Haruhi ever got really bored. "Okay, let's get going. I don't want to have this job any longer than I have too."

Now, I said that the war lasted for a month. However, the first three weeks had no visible fighting. In fact there were very few notable events at all.

I mean, notable in terms of an actual war. The fact that Asakura had started to follow me around everywhere though? That caused some problems.

Now, the fact that she was talking to me on the way up the hill on the way to school didn't raise much suspicion. It didn't seem like anyone either recognized her or was familiar enough to approach her. It was only once I got into school that this became a problem.

"Hey! Didn't you move to Canada? What are you doing back here?" Haruhi, being her usual energetic self, managed to draw attention to my companion sighing five seconds of me entering the classroom.

I struggle valiantly for an excuse that wasn't the truth. I was at a loss until Haruhi herself came to my aid. "Oh, is she on vacation?"

This last question is directed at me. "Yeah, for a while. Her Dad's job has temporarily returned to Japan, and she'll be here as long as he is."

That wasn't too far from the truth if you considered the Data Overmind to be her father, which wasn't too far off.

Yeah, I should stop trying to convince myself of stuff.

"Oh, ok. Miss Asakura, we don't have a desk for you, so you'll have to sit with Kyon. Is that alright?" The new class president tells my guest.

Wait, so she and I would be sharing a seat? If that didn't become awkward with Haruhi sitting right behind me, I would be amazed.

This began the morning ritual of Haruhi stabbing the back of my head with eye-daggers. Hey, it's not like it was my decision! I even tried to get her to stop following me around everywhere, just for some peace and quiet around Haruhi, but no, Yuki's orders superseded mine. Asakura was determined to be as big a pain in the ass as she could while still protecting me from threats.

Now, I got through a week of people staring and whispering without incident. Yuki was saying that the IDSE was winning against the Sky Canopy in "Aproximately four out of five battlefields." Not sure what constitutes a battleground, but asking further just got me a complex explanation of multidimensional theory.

It was during lunch after Yuki told me this that Haruhi and Asakura had decided to stir up trouble again.

"So, Ryoko. Where do you live? Same building as Yuki, right?" Haruhi was acting more irritable than usual since the club meetings had been cancelled due to my passenger. Club activities had been canceled as well, and Haruhi was starting to get bored for the first time in a while.

"Oh, not anymore. No, dad got himself an apartment in Tokyo, and I asked him to let me visit some old friends. So, I came here, and Kyon was nice enough to put me up for the duration of my stay."

Now, Haruhi's voice really carries. Usually it's just annoying, but this time she had caused all conversations to stop and people to listen for Asakura's response. And she didn't keep her voice down either.

So now the whole school, already buzzing with the news Asakura was back in town, was now mixed in with the fact she was staying with me.

The fact that even Taniguchi was giving me odd looks made me break and ask Yuki for a reprieve.

However, after I had pleaded for a while, she shakes her head.

"In the last week, the Sky Canopy Dominion has attempted to take your life twenty three times, four of which have happened since Asakura announced her sleeping arrangements at lunch today. If I were to remove Asakura's protection, you would be dead within approximately five hours, thirty seven minutes and twelve seconds."

I slump against the wall. "Great. How much longer is this going to be a problem?"

Yuki tilts her head like a dog trying to think, which for her meant trying to calculate the number of particles in the universe.

Wait, she might have already done that. I think she corrected a science teacher about that once.

"The altercation is very unlikely to extend more than two years."

If I was a cartoon character, I would've sweat dropped. "Yeah, I think that I'll be brutally murdered by either Haruhi or Asakura by that point."

Yuki shakes her head. "The likelihood of your death is only 0.00000-"

"Yeah, I'm sorry, but this is really starting to get to me. Just... Just do your best to end this as soon as possible."

Yuki nods, then turns around and disappears around a corner.

"Okay. I need a break." I mutter to the empty hallway.

Suddenly, Asakura is right beside me. "Oh, there you are. Yuki would be mad if she knew you had given me the slip. After all I am your guardian angel!" she winks at me.

"Not sure whether or not to feel relieved."

Ah, shit. Haruhi's waking up. I'll post this as soon as I get the chance. And a decent Internet connection.