A/N So I am baffled as to why the last chapter was underlined. Ugh, I do apologize. Also I am feeling a bit better and I'll keep updating, I have a pretty busy weekend but I'll try to get an update by Sunday! Keep the reviews coming, it makes me happy that you all like it!

You don't know how it feels.

It was damp outside, the sidewalks were still wet but the heat was rising up off of them like smoke from a cigarette. The sun was already up and pouring itself in through curtains, and the heat was already intense. The light trickled in the hospital room and Jude squinted his eyes, feeling the sun on his face.

It had been 4 days since it started raining, and 4 days since the doctors had ran around aimlessly in the night searching for answers as to why he was coughing up blood. His stomach, still in knots, was finally starting to ease up. The pain was not nearly as severe but it wasn't gone.

"It's an ulcer and it's just going to take time for it to clear up. You're stomach lining and your esophagus are torn completely. You have to stay away from the drink, you don't even look a day old enough to drink, and you're too young to be having these problems. If you don't stop, in all fairness, you're going to die. Thankfully you were brought in, at the rate you were drinking, you would have been in serious condition in a month or less. You probably wouldn't last through the summer."

Jude winced upon recalling the doctors words, his harsh tone didn't make it easier for him to take. He knew it was killing him slowly, he knew that from the first time he threw up blood, but he didn't think it would all happen so quick. And now, now he was paying for it. Every time they brought a bowl of soup in, he wanted so badly to inhale it, but a few sips later and he was throwing up.

"You're going to have to take it easy, take baby steps."

"That's just what they say when they make me walk." Jude thought to himself.

His leg was swollen from the break. He had a cast on and it would be there a good month and a half. He could walk though, the doctors said that was a miracle in itself. The pain wasn't too severe in his leg, more like a dull ache, and nothing a shot of morphine seemed to fix. He was moving around more, and recalling more. Memories drifted in and out like wind, from nights at the café, to waiting up for Lucy. His mind was almost in the state it had been two months prior.

Max came in every day, sometimes twice a day. He was a lot more cheerful and happy to see Jude awake. The first time he walked in and saw Jude sitting up, preparing to walk, his face went from dull and lifeless, to pure Joy. And to feel Jude actually hug him back, even if it was a small hug, it was worth it.

Jude still didn't stay awake too long. He got tired much more easily than before, and he got sick a lot. He hated throwing up.

The only time the conversation ever became dull was when Jude would ask what happened, or how Lucy was, or for that matter, where she was.

Max would tighten his lips and look out the window. He almost always changed the subject.

All Jude knew, was there had been an accident, a fight that he couldn't recall, something between him and john. The only confrontation he remembered between him and John was the one at the apartment some nights ago when he was drunk.

Drunk. Oh that word made his stomach hurt. Every time he thought about alcohol his stomach tore itself up. Sometimes he thought he could taste it, or smell it. He wanted so badly to take a sip, but when he would think about it too long, his stomach twisted itself up and he was getting sick.

Jude tried to think of the last time he saw Lucy. He remembered her sitting at the café, next to John, but that was it. That was the last thing he remembered, and he wanted to put the pieces together.

Max would sit across the room and stare at him when he would start talking about Lucy. He would mention her addiction and Max would wince. Jude could tell there was something going on in the way Max would furrow his brows. He would ask why max didn't want to talk about it and he would always say the same thing.

"She's not good. She is off the drug."

"Well that's great, she used to be so full of life before all of that."

Max would shake his head and shift uncomfortably.

"It's not great Jude. It's a mess, it's ugly. I don't know what to do with her."

"Bring her here…"

Max would shake his head harder and sigh. "We did once, it set her back further. She couldn't take it."

Jude would turn his gaze on the window. Sometimes he would try to find the last happy moment between them and keep his mind on that. It didn't even feel like they were still together, they felt so far apart. He remembered that hotel room where he holed up for two weeks, he remembered the fighting, the yelling, the crying.

"Oh God." He would moan while resting his head on his hands."

"What? What is it?" Max would ask urgently.

"I should have been there, I'm such an ass. I'm such a fucking idiot. I couldn't turn away from drinking and look where that got me!"

Max would sit on the edge of the bed and speak easily and quietly.

"Jude…it wasn't your fault, you both picked wrong addictions at the wrong time, and you both dealt with things alone. We didn't reach out to you, maybe we should have."

Jude would fall into a slump and sigh. Max would try to cheer him up and always tell him about the good looking nurse he was thinking about asking out. Jude would offer a smile, but images of Lucy still burned fresh on his mind, like glowing embers.

He shook his head out of his daydreams and realized he was still alone in the hospital room. The heat outside was kicking the air conditioning on and off and the sound of the busy streets below made Jude incredibly impatient. He wanted out of here, but the doctors assured him, another week was needed, just until they got his stomach under way.

He heard the door open and caught the smell of real food in the hallway. It sounded so good, but his stomach was already churning at the smell. He looked up and saw a very bubbly, very happy Sadie walk into the room. She had a bouquet of flowers and was smiling widely.

"Sadie…"he said smiling.

"Boy, I thought you were never going to talk to me again."

Jude smiled and she sat down next to him. She kissed his forehead and brushed the hair from his face.

"You look good Jude."

"I should say the same to you."

"How you feelin?"

"A bit sick, and my leg is really stiff, but other than that…I just want to go home."

"You'll get to, soon, very soon."

Jude nodded. Sadie kept smiling as she arranged the flowers on his desk.

"They're nice." Jude said smiling.

"Lucy picked them out." Sadie replied in a monotone voice.

Jude eyed the flowers intently. "Did she know they were for me?"

Sadie nodded. "It was her idea. She said your room probably needed color."

Jude looked down at his hands, they were shaking. He wanted so badly to have her there, holding them and smiling back at him, eyes wide and piercing into his soul, leaving the rest of the world to wait outside.

Sadie knew he wa thinking about her. She drew in her breath.

"Whatever thought you have of her, she is not the same."

Jude looked up into her soft face that was now twisted with remorse.

"Her eyes, they're sunken and cold, she's so fragile, I'm afraid to touch her. She hasn't smiled, at least not that I've seen. Her voice is low and raspy, she doesn't do much."

Jude felt an aching but this time in his chest. "Is she getting help?"

"Max tried to get her to a good psychiatrist but the price range is way out of line."

"So she is just alone? No one is helping her stay away from the drug? No one is monitoring her?"

"Jude, we all pull our weight, Jojo and me switch shifts and when Max comes home he takes care of her. Between you and her that boy doesn't have room for anything else."

Jude looked at his shaking hands and sighed.

"What am I going to do for her?"

"You need to worry about yourself, you have issues of your own that are going to take more than a stay in the hospital to cure."

Jude nodded slightly and looked out the window. The sun felt so warm and the air was calling him outside. He remembered running in the strrets below while holding Lucy's hand in early spring. The wind whipped around the faces and she laughed at the faces people would give them. Her eyes were smiling and her voice was filled with deep emotion. Jude could have just watched her, and just felt her, and all would have been fine in the world.

He glanced back at Sadie who was looking down at the ground.

"What is it?"

"Oh, nothing, just…well, some things are changing."

"Enlighten me."

Jude was beginning to feel tired and Sadie noticed.

"No, you've had a long morning and they told me not to stress you out or keep you awake too long. The last thing I want is some rich ass doctor telling me I screwed up your recovery process."

Jude smiled and knew there was something Sadie needed to get out, but he didn't pry, he wanted to but the medicine was wearing in and his eyelids felt like two anchors.

"I'll be back tomorrow." Sadie said leaning down and kissing his forehead. Jude smiled and nodded.

Sadie turned and walked out of the room, leaving a near exhausted Jude at peace. She shut the door and headed for the exit. She didn't have the heart to tell him, and she didn't want to be the one to tell him that when he came back to the apartment, Lucy wasn't going to be there.

A bit slow and uneventful, review please, and I'll update as soon as I can!