Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise, I just use their creations to have my wicked way with them. No copyright infringement is intended.

WARNING: our dear Mike has kind of a foul mouth.

Cocaine Blues.

(Mike Newton)

I wondered how long it would take me to start counting the cracks in the fucking ceiling. So far I had been able to hold myself back but it was only by reminding myself that you'd have to be fucking stupid to do so.

I was this close.

I guess I should find a hobby or something, now that I was in here, but frankly there wasn't much that could be done in this little fucking closet of a cell I shared with two other losers.

I mean, I could make use of the fact that I was in here alone for now and jack off – again- but my wrist was starting to get a little sore. I sure hoped you couldn't get repetitive strain injury from masturbating.

Reading a book would have been an option if books didn't scare me half to death. I mean....come on! Half of the shit they had down here in the jail library was about pets or farmyard animals doing something heroic, teenage pregnancies or fucked up débutantes getting stood up by their dates.

They didn't even have one fucking crime novel! Not even the Da Vinci Code. I mean....what were the odds of one of the losers that were in here breaking out, hopping on a jet to France and steal the fucking Mona Lisa?

I didn't expect them to carry a book on how to improve your skills as a burglar or ax murder or something but come on. Chick Lit? In a men's prison? What – apart from it being good jack off material – was the use of reading a book about some skinny bitch being tortured by her boss while trying to starve herself into some fucking ugly dress that cost way too much?

I tensed as I heard a pair of heavy footsteps resound through the corridor, stopping right outside my cell.

So much for solitary confinement. I should have gotten at least one more wank in while I had the chance.

"You've got yourself some new roomies Newton," the warden chuckled as he opened the door to my cell. "Play nice!"

"Sick son of a bitch," I grumbled. Over the last couple of days I had found out there were two types of jackasses working in this place. The first type being the sadistic sons of bitches who got off on making you feel as miserable as you could possibly be and the creepy sons of bitches who tried to cure you of your wicked ways.

I hadn't made up my mind yet which kind I hated most.

Two guys walked in as the door swung open. One of them was huge, as in bodybuilder shaped while the other one had a skinnier frame. Both of them scowled at the warden as he closed the door behind them before looking around the room.

I sure as hell hope they weren't as fucked up as the huge homie they had thrown in here yesterday. I don't think I'd ever come so close to dying in my entire life. I mean, how the fuck was I supposed to know you weren't actually allowed to speak ghetto if you didn't grew up in da hood? One 'fo shizzle ma nizzle' and I had had my head rammed into the toilet bowl, nearly drowning in leftover piss.

The worst thing about it was that my screaming for someone to come fucking rescue me had turned me into the bitch of cell block E so now I couldn't even fucking shower anymore without having to watch out for some huge son of a bitch wanting to fuck me in the ass.

Jail sucks.

Big time.

I had never thought I would end up here. I mean, sure, I dabbled in cocaine and shit but I always figured that if I got caught my mom would be there to bail me out and get me a good attorney. Even it it would just be out of guilt for leaving me at home to talk to strangers and play with matches while she was off working at the fucking store all day when I was young.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

So far the only thing I had heard of my parents was my dad yelling at me through the phone that I was a waste of space.

Fucking waste of a phone cal that was.

He had told me in no uncertain terms that I would do good not to expect any help from them in this mess I had landed myself in. I had to sort all of this out on my own. He even went as far as to say some jail time might be character building. How fucked up is that?

Stupid jackass.

I mean, what was this world coming to if parents couldn't even be bothered to bail their only kid out?

The skinny dude was quick to shuffle further into the room and claim the bottom bunk on the opposite wall, grinning like a fucking idiot for outsmarting big guy who just rolled his eyes at the skinny guy and marched over to my bunk.

"Out," he ordered, pointing at me.

What did he think I was? A dog or something. And what the hell happened to common fucking courtesy? Wasn't he supposed ot at least introduce himself before he started ordering me about?

"There's a free bunk at the top," I said, pointing to the mattress above my head.

"I don't do stairs," he barked. "Out."

"Well dickwad, I don't do stairs either!" I yelled back. Seriously. What was this guys problem?

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," he chuckled. "Did you hear that poor loser Demetri? I don't think he knows who he's fucking talking to."

"Why don't you educate him?" the lanky one grinned, looking like some kind of deranged psycho.

"I don't know," the big guy pondered. "He seems like a particularly stupid son of a bitch. Wouldn't it be a total waste of my time? I may as well rip his throat out right now."

"Waste of time?" the other one chuckled. "How long do you think it would take Aro to get Heidi to bail us out of here? I think at least a few more hours." He rolled his eyes in disdain. "Try educating him first, you can always rip his guts out later."

"Good plan," the big guy boomed, yanking me out of my bunk by my feet before throwing me on the floor.

He rolled the sleeves of his shirt up to reveal a medieval styled V inked into the inside of his wrist and almost shoved it into my face.

I shuddered inwardly as I spotted the mark. Though I had never encountered one of them yet I knew what it meant.

Trouble.

Big fucking trouble.

"Do you see this?" he said, pointing at the mark as I scrambled to my feet again.

I nodded.

"Do you know what it means?" he barked.

I nodded again.

"Say it," he ordered.

"You're a member of the Volturi?" I said, a little taken aback by the sign on his skin. Those guys weren't to be fucked with. At least not if you didn't have a death wish.

"That's right jackass," he spat. "And why is it that the Volturi always get what they want bitch?"

"Because they kill whatever is in their way?"

"I have to hand it to you," he grinned, patting me on the head. "You're quick to learn."

"My momma would be proud to hear that," I smirked back, trying to save what was left of my street credibility as I climbed up to the top bunk. At least it was better than sleeping with the fishes.

"Oh and just so you know: fart and it will be the last thing you do."

"Yes sir," I said, scooting as far towards the wall as I could without falling into the gap between the wall and my bed.

"I don't think he'll be troubling us again any time soon," the scary lank guy – Demetri? - chuckled.

"Not if he knows what's good for him," the big guy boomed back, sending me flying into the air as he punched his fist against the bottom of my bunk.

Stupid bastards.

"God, I hope Heidi gets here soon," the guy named Demetri whined, picking the sad excuse for a pillow up with a disgusted look on his face. "What do you think the chances are of getting some kind of luxury cell?"

"You can, you know, fuggettaboutit," I chuckled. "It ain't gonna happen, at least not unless your last name is Hilton."

"Did I ask you something?" he snarled and before I knew it his skinny pale white arm had grabbed me by the throat and yanked me down from my bunk. "And just so you know.......watching the Godfather trilogy doesn't give you the right to mingle into things you know nothing about. Show some respect asshole!"

What was it with these guys throwing a complete bitchfest when I was just trying to be a cool guy and say something nice?

Somehow the skinny dude creeped me out more than his big friend did. There was something about him, something that held the promise of pain – lots of it – if you didn't bow down to his greatness the moment he wanted you to. That shit was scarier than the pecs on the big guy.

"Hey," I yelled, trying to pry his hands away from my windpipe. "I'm just trying to be nice. No need to bite my head off!'

"Nice?" he snarled, specs of spit flying into my face. "You're trying to be nice while insulting my family and heritage?"

"It was just a joke man!" I squeaked, trying to suck in enough breath to keep myself from dying. "How the fuck was I supposed to know you were going to freak out about it?"

"If you had any brains in that ugly mug of yours you might have guessed!" he yelled, smashing my head against the floor.

This stuff was really starting to freak the fuck out of me. I mean, how hard was it to find a decent roomie in prison? Why did I have to end up with the fucking psycho's who wanted to kill me?

At least it would only be a couple of hours before they'd let us out of here. Perhaps I could pump some weights to build up a little bit of muscle in the recreational area. God knows I'd be needing it if I was ever going to make it out of here in one piece and with my sphincter intact.

"Sorry man," I said, trying to hide my annoyance. "I didn't know you'd take it this badly."

"Do it again and you'll find out the hard way not to fuck with a member of the Volturi guard," he hissed as he released me. "Now be a good boy and go ponder every possible meaning of the words 'silent as the grave'."

For the second time that day I hurried up the steps to my new bunk, wanting to get the fuck away from Scarface and Don Vito.

I spend some time being as quiet and inconspicuous as I could while praying for some miracle to happen to get me out of here.

I wasn't cut out for this kind of shit.

The return of the heavy footsteps resounding through the corridor made me hope that something – anything – had happened to make my dream come true or at least deliver me from the scary bunk stealing Italians.

"Get yer lazy ass of out of bed Newton," the warden hollered as he opened the door to our cell. "You've got a visitor."

"Finally," I muttered to myself, carefully avoiding still glowering at me from their bunks.

"You look like a scared little girl Newton," the sadistic son of a bitch chuckled as I fled into the corridor. "What is it? Not liking your new roommates?"

"I'm fine," I huffed, holding my hands out in front of me as I walked the corridor to the iron gate separating my cell block from the central part of the prison.

As I walked down to the corridors amidst the now familiar calls of 'man walking' I wondered who my visitor could be. I mean, apart from the guys in The Pack that supplied me with my stuff I didn't know that many people and I knew damn well Jake would never come near a prison unless he could see some kind of gain to be gotten from it.

It would have to be Bella. I had given up hope of my mom coming to visit me after the phone call. There was no way my dad would allow her to come near me and unfortunately the motherfucker always got his way.

No, Bella was a safe guess to go with.

I knew she couldn't resist me for long. I mean, once the girls had a taste of the real Slim Shady they'd always keep coming back for more.

I could just imagine her sitting there at one of those tables, her plump pink lips parted and her legs a little apart so that you could see all the way to China of you made a little effort.

Damn. I knew I should have gotten more out of my alone time. I wondered if they'd let us use the little room they used for connubial visits because the thought of Bella had made me horny as fuck.

Then again, it was nowhere near visiting hours. If it was Bella then how the fuck did she get in? Did she blow the governor or something?

Much to my shock the person sitting at a table in the Visiting Room wasn't Bella. Hell, it wasn't even someone I knew.

Not that I cared. I mean, the girl sitting in the middle of the room was hot and it wasn't just because I hadn't seen another woman all week.

She was genuinely gorgeous.

"Enjoy your visitor Newton," The son of a bitch warden said. "I know I will."

For once I couldn't find fault in what the guy said. I mean, what's not to enjoy about this girl? She looked almost like a porcelain doll with her pale white skin and red curtly hair but at the same time she had an almost feline fierceness that promised many good things.

"Are you Mike Newton?" she asked me in a melodic husky voice, keeping the volume low enough so as not to be heard by the warden.

I nodded, taking a seat next to her, trying to keep myself from drooling.

"Then I have a proposition for you," she purred, leaning forward slightly in a way that had us close enough to discuss something in private but not close enough to make the warden intervene.

"A proposition?" I asked.

"A proposition," she repeated, waiting for my mind to catch up before she continued. "I can get you out of here if you'll help me with something."

"You want my help?" I knew I wasn't exactly made of rocket scientist material but I wasn't stupid either and this proposition or whatever the fuck she was calling it didn't make any sense. I didn't even know the girl. How on earth was I supposed to help her. "What the fuck do you want my help for?"

"What do you know about Bella Swan?" every man's fantasy asked.

"Huh?" This wasn't the questions I had been expecting.

"Listen you little dweep," she sighed, tapping her fingernails on the Formica table. "I'll have you out here in less time than a good wank takes but it's going to cost you."

"Wait! Back the truck up there sweetheart!" I hissed, seeing her face scrunch up in disapproval again. "You want me to dish out the dirt on my girl? I don't even know your fucking name!"

"Your girl?" she chuckled. "Are you fucking serious?"

"Yeah," I growled. The girl may have been pretty but her personality sure as hell wasn't. "What about it?"

"I personally don't believe Bella Swan saw a clueless little twerp like you as anything else but a meal ticket," miss congeniality explained. "But she may have told you some interesting shit."

"Like I'm going to tell you," I spat.

"Then enjoy the rest of your time in here," she shrugged, preparing to leave. "What's the standard sentence for possession and trading of a class A substance again?"

"Wait," I yelled after her.

"What," she said, looking a little too smug for my liking.

"I'll help you out but not before you get me the fuck out of this hellhole."

"You're telling me all I need to know before I bail you out," she stated.

"Yeah, right! So you can just send me back to Skinny Pete and Tony Soprano? I don't think so sweetheart!"

"Believe me," she said, leaning closer to me. "I have other uses for you apart from what you can tell me about the Swan girl. Leaving you here at the mercy of your fellow inmates would be very silly."

Looking at what I saw right now in front of me made it very difficult to drive a hard bargain. Apart from my dick screaming at me to just make a deal with the pretty lady, the thought of going back to the scary Italians freaked the crap out of me. I had no doubt in my mind that if I stayed there I was going to end up being their bitch one way or another, no lack of bathing would prevent that. And to be honest, I wasn't exactly thrilled at the prospects of saying hello to their little friends.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I growled, opting for the safe attitude: distrust.

"I have something for you I'd like you to try," she half whispered, winking at the warden who was still standing in the corner. "Something that could make us very rich in just the blink of an eye."

"Right, and you're sharing it with me just because you like the sound of my name?" I snorted. "What kind of fool do you take me for?"

"We need someone like you on our team," she chuckled.

Ah! Now she was making sense. I knew that because of my kind of innocent, boyish looks no one suspected me to be on the wrong side of the law. I mean, grannies basically gave me money to go shopping for them. The cops wouldn't even suspect me of dealing if I sold my shit out of the back of my Hummer right in front of their eyes.

Or so I thought before I got arrested.

Perhaps they needed someone who would remain under the radar or they were just after my connections with The Pack. Though I wasn't sure if those fucked up Indians would have anything to do with me now that I had been inside.

"Okay," I said, still not sure if this was such a good decision after all. "So what is it you want to know?"

"Anything you've got on Bella Swan," she replied, almost without thinking.

"I don't know that much about her," I replied. "We only went out for a couple of dates."

"What did she tell you about her family?"

"Only that her dad got kicked out of the police force after some fake photograph showed up of her dad talking to that guy from the Volturi. You know....that creepy guy with the blue eyes?"

"Aro?"

"Yeah, that's him!" I said, jumping up a little. "The Godfather himself."

"For God's sake keep it down a notch," she hissed, her eyes shooting from the warden to me. "We don't want anyone listening in on us do we?"

"So, anyway......that picture cause a huge clusterfuck over at the police station because a bunch of cops had just met with the wrong end of a gun and died when they raided one of the Volturi warehouses."

"How did Bella feel about that?"

"Pissed off of course!" I laughed. "She knew the picture was fake the moment she saw it. She's been trying to find the son of a bitch who framed her dad ever since!"

"Hmm," she mused, leaning her head on her hand. "That might actually have earned you a ticket out of here!"

"It better have!" I growled, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Give me a moment or so to get everything sorted out and meet me in front of the building once you're done," she stated, rising from her seat.

"I want to know your name first," I said. "Just in case you're trying to screw me over."

"And you think I'd give you my real name if that as indeed my plan?" she laughed. "You can call me Madison Lee." She handed me her card, stating her name as Madison Lee, attorney at law.

I bet it was as fake as my moms platinum blond hair.

Much to my relieve the warden didn't bring me back to my room after my meeting with the girl, Madison Lee, was finished but escorted me right down to the recreational facilities where I played a couple of poker games with my buddie Chad and the random losers he shared his cell with.

Chad and I had a lot of things in common. Bella being one of them.

It turned out Madison Lee was true to her word because before we had to go back to our cells someone came to get me and help me fill in the paperwork to get me the hell out of there.

"Good luck buddie!" Chad yelled after me. "Don't let them catch you again!"

"I wont!" I yelled back, shooting a smug grin at Skinny Pete and Tony Soprano. It seemed my connections were better than theirs after all.

"And say hi to Bella from me if you ever see her again!" I head Chad yell when I was almost out of earshot.

After I was done filling in a gazillion forms and had retrieved my own clothes – hallelujah for no more of those potato sacks that made up the standard outfit for the inmates – and the rest of my possessions I sprinted the hell out the the door and started looking for the redhead.

I found her leaning against a car – my car – in the almost empty prison parking lot.

What the fuck?

"I borrowed your ride," she stated nonchalantly, as if she'd just bummed a smoke off me.

"What?" I yelled. "You stole my car?"

"It's not as if you were using it," she replied, rolling my eyes at me. "Now, are you coming with me or not?"

"You psycho bitch!" I yelled. "You stole my fucking car!" My Hummer was my pride and joy and I never let anyone but me touch it, let alone hold the gear shift. If that whore ruined it she would be sorry.

I ran over to my baby, inspecting the paint and exterior for signs of abuse. She seemed fine. Not even a speck of dust on it. At least the bitch knew how to treat a work of art as it should be treated.

Wait a minute?

If she stole the Pussywagon then why were there no signs of it?

"Looking for this brainiac?" she snorted, dangling my keys in front of my face.

"How the fuck did you get those?" I tried to remember where I could have lost them but as far as I knew they were still sitting on the counter at my place.

"YOU BROKE IN TO MY HOUSE?" This was getting stranger by the second. I swear, the bitch owed me a damn good explanation. That or she could find some other poor schmuck to service her.

"Again....it's not like you were using it," she chuckled, opening the door to MY car. "Would you have preferred me to break one of the windows anyway?"

"Of course not!"

"I figured as much," she grinned. "Now get in the damn car."

"It's my fucking car bitch!" I yelled. "Get out of the driver's seat."

She muttered something under her breath that sounded awfully like 'dumb son of a bitch' before opening the passenger door and patting the seat. "Get in or stay here."

What? Was she really thinking I would wait here in a deserted prison parking lot for the loser bus to take me in to the city while she drove off in the Pussywagon?

Don't think so!

"I thought as much," she grinned smugly as I climbed into the passenger seat. "What were you going to do anyway? Call the cops on me?"

"Bitch."

"Was that supposed to wound me?" she chuckled as she tore out of the parking lot. "I've been called much worse, you know."

"You're going the wrong way," I said as she turned in the direction opposite from the city.

"Depends on where you think we're going."

"Forks is that way," I said, pointing in the right direction. Why was it so hard for a pair of tits to navigate smoothly from one point to another? It was like someone screwed around with the female brain making it impossible for them to find their way around the globe, not even if they had a map sitting right in front of them.

That must be why they were always late for dates and stuff. Screw having to put on makeup as other crap, they just got lost finding their way.

"Then it's a good thing we're not going to Forks, right?" she huffed, rolling her eyes at me.

"Right," I sighed. "Then where are we going?"

"My place," she grinned.

Hell yes!

This had to mean she was interested in other things than just using my innocent face as a front to sell more stuff.

Not that I could blame her of course.

I mean, if she only knew what the Mikenator was capable off she would have been spread out on the hood of the car, whinnying like a broodmare right now.

We drove through the woods surrounding Forks before turning into a small private road leading up to a modern structure standing in a clearing in the woods. It was one of those houses that was all glass and wood and modern appliances.

I was a little surprised when she drove right past the house and pulled up behind it in front of some kind of huge shed or storage building that looked equally modern and high tech but without all the glass and wood of the house.

"Follow me," she said, smiling sweetly at me as she exited my car.

I snorted. It was amazing how the meanest bitch on the planet turned all soft and nice at the prospect of having my dick rammed into her.

"Sure sweetheart," I chuckled, following her into the building. She must be one who likes it rough if she preferred a barn to a bed.

Whatever the girl wants......

"So how do you want to do this?" I asked as I followed her through a dark corridor.

"Do what?" she asked, turning around to face me.

"Fuck?"

"What?"

"There's no need to look all disgusted, sweetheart," I growled, a little hurt by the look on the girls face. "I thought that was what you wanted."

"There's no way in hell I'm letting you near me," she spat, opening a door at the end of the corridor.

"Then what did you bring me all the way out here for?" I asked as we stepped into some elaborate looking kind of lab. This must be where they cooked whatever drugs it was that they were selling.

"Owch!" I yelled, as I felt something stab into my side. "What the hell?"

I grabbed my side and turned around to see some scary looking dude in a lab coat standing behind me holding an empty syringe.

"We brought you here to test our product silly," Madison, or whatever the fuck her real name was, giggled.

"Do you think I'm, some kind of lab rat or something?" I brushed my hand over the part where Doctor Doom had stuck the needle through my clothes.

"Close enough," she said, keeping up her annoying cackle.

"What did you inject me with anyway?" I growled. I hoped it wasn't some kind of crap that made you hallucinate or something. I had seen enough purple leprechauns leapfrogging over one another in my life to know that wasn't my thing.

"Something that's going to change your fucking life," the doctor stated, pushing me in the direction of some kind of room leading off from the laboratory.

I realized to late that it wasn't a room exactly, more like some kind of fusion between a cell and an aquarium. It had glass walls on the part of it that was connected to the lab and the bright lights made it feel like I was on display.

Shit.

I had definitely turned into some kind of lab rat.

This was definitely the last time I let my dick decide what I was going to do.

I hope this turned out all right. Having to channel Mike Newton for the better part of a week has been rather disturbing. I'm glad that for the next chapter we're back to darling Edward. I'll let Victoria have her say about all of this in a few chapters but right now it's time to find out if it was indeed Edward following Bella.

Please let me know what you thought of this one.