Truth, Lies, and Sirius Black
Chapter 10
xxx
"Hi, Remus, it's Severus. I left my old Biology book back at my room, and my dorm is on the way to the coffee shop, so I was hoping you'd stop by there and we can walk over together. I'm in the West Slytherin dorm. If you aren't there, I'll just head over to the coffee shop though. See you." Click.
Remus leaned against the wall of the West Slytherin dorm, waiting for Severus. It was their first night of tutoring, the first Tuesday of the semester, and the day after Remus' first Biology class. He'd felt like a complete arse while the Professor rambled about things he'd never heard of before like ribosomes and phylum. He was eager for Severus to explain what these things were, for more reasons than simply passing the class. Ribosome was a very entertaining word, as Sirius had noticed.
"Remus! You got my message!" Severus' head popped out the door, grinning.
"Hey," said Remus, grinning back. "Yeah, just in time, too. I was turning my phone on just as I passed and stopped to listen to the message."
"Great. I've got my book. You ready to go?"
"Yep," said Remus, and the two friends headed toward the coffee shop together.
"How was your summer?" asked Severus. Remus shrugged in response.
"Quiet, mostly," he said. "Got together with some friends a few times. Helped a couple friends move into an apartment just off campus. Oh, and a friend's dog had puppies. I get to choose one next week!" Severus chuckled.
"What kind of dog?"
"I'm actually not sure," admitted Remus. "It's big, fluffy and black. And the puppies are adorable. The other dog must have been white, because the puppies are black, white and gray."
"Cute," commented Severus. Remus nodded. "What dorm are you in?"
"North Gryffindor," said Remus. Severus scoffed.
"I'm sorry," he laughed. "The Gryffindor dorms are always full of jerks." Remus shrugged.
"I've found some pretty good friends there," he said. "Last year I was in East Gryffindor, and it was fine. I liked my roommate a lot, but he ended up moving in with his girlfriend in North Hufflepuff, and I moved in with my, uh, friend, into North Gryffindor."
"Your uh-friend?" Remus blushed.
"Fine, my boyfriend," he admitted. Severus jumped.
"Oh!" he said, surprised. "Sorry, I didn't mean to pry if you didn't want to tell me or something."
"It's alright," said Remus. "We're friends, and I'm glad I can tell you. I'm glad you're alright with it." Severus shrugged.
"It's no big deal," he said. "Lyon's gay too, so it would be kind of stupid if I had a problem with you being gay but not him. And trust me, if I have a problem with anyone being gay, it's Lyon. He hits on me a lot. It's a bit uncomfortable sometimes, the lengths he takes those jokes to…" Remus laughed.
"When I worked with him, he always was hitting on me," he said, chuckling at the memory of Sirius' fist aiming for Lyon's face. "Eventually, my boyfriend just came in and beat the crap out of him. Lyon got fired and Sirius got banned from the shop, but –"
"Sirius?" Severus froze, giving Remus a surprised stare, his hand on the door handle of the coffee shop. "Sirius who?" Remus bit his lip. He'd always avoided using James and Sirius' names around Severus for this very reason.
"Um, Sirius Black," he said hesitantly. He wasn't surprised when Severus' expression darkened then went defensively blank.
"Sirius Black," he said slowly, hatefully, "is your boyfriend?" Remus tried not to gulp nervously.
"Um, yes," he said, noticing that all he could say was "um."
"Does Sirius Black know that you're friends with me?" Severus' expression made Remus want to crawl into a hole and die. He took a deep breath. This had to happen at some point, he knew, and it was better earlier than later. (Maybe.) It was better to just let Severus know about the whole thing and keep the air clear.
"Yes, he does," said Remus, before hurrying into an explanation. "He told me about the things he and James did to you in high school, as well. Look, I can't apologize for them, and I won't ask you to forgive them, but I do want to assure you that they've changed." Severus snorted.
"People like them never change, Remus," he said scathingly. "All they do is get worse. Here's a deal for you, Remus. You won't talk to me about them ever again, and I won't talk about them ever again, either. I'm going to tell you what I think about this, and then we'll never talk about it again. Honestly, I think you're making a grave mistake by befriending Sirius Black and James Potter. They will stab you in the back when you least expect it. They might look like friends now, but it won't stay that way." Severus took a deep breath and let out a furious, shuddering sigh. "I'm not going to judge you for being friends with them," he continued tersely. "I know that you're a good person. I can practically smell it on you. And let me tell you, Black and Potter take advantage of people like that." With that, Severus wrenched the door of the coffee shop open and went inside, leaving a very shaken Remus behind.
Remus took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. He knew Severus had every right to think that way of Sirius and James, but he couldn't help but feel angry and defensive. His friends had matured since high school. They didn't go around playing tricks on people or bullying people just because they could. They were responsible and caring. Remus ran his hands through his hair and tried to calm down.
He felt sorry for Severus for so many reasons: because James and Sirius had bullied him long ago, because he didn't know the James and Sirius that Remus knew so intimately, because he seemed to be so bitter from the whole experience. His pity calmed him more than anything. He reached for the door as well, and saw Severus in line, glaring at the menu.
They both quickly ordered their coffee and went to sit down at a free table. Remus shifted uncomfortably in his seat. The silence was stifling.
"Who are you living with this year?" asked Remus, trying to make Severus stop glowering at the Biology book in front of him.
"No one," replied Severus. "I was with a freshman, but he dropped out. It's a good thing overall. He was only there for a couple days before he left. And now I've got a whole lot more room." He smiled a bit, and Remus relaxed. Maybe the evening was salvageable.
"Really? That must be nice. I don't have a lot of space in my room, personally. Um, my roommate has a lot of junk that he just refuses to throw away." Severus' jaw twitched, but he said nothing. Remus shrugged. "I suppose there isn't much I can do about that, though. My side of the room is always clean, though."
"Yes, I'm a bit of a neat-freak as well," said Severus. "Order is very important. Otherwise how would you find anything?"
"No idea," agreed Remus, grinning enthusiastically. "Well, we'd better get started on this Biology, if I want to pass this semester." Severus nodded, and they opened the book to the first chapter.
xxx
As Remus entered his dorm room, he noticed Sirius was lying on Remus' bed instead of his own. And he was reading.
"Sirius, what are you doing?" asked Remus warily. Sirius looked up from his book – which was positioned the right way up, confusing Remus further – and his face broke into an enormous grin.
"Remus! Finally! I thought your tutoring session with Frumpy was going to take forever!" He dropped the book onto Remus' bed and jumped up to give Remus a Welcome-Home kiss and hug.
"What are you doing?" repeated Remus, staring at Sirius, dumbfounded.
"Reading," said Sirius, as though he did it all the time. "I was looking through your books and I found one that sounded good. It's called A Tale of Two Cities. I think I'm nearly halfway done with it."
Dickens. Sirius was reading Dickens. For fun.
"I started it yesterday while you were at class. I can't put it down!"
Dickens. Sirius had started Dickens yesterday and was halfway through. For fun.
"Did the author write anything else?"
Dickens. Sirius was asking what else Dickens had written. Because he wanted to read more. For fun.
Remus had never been so turned on in his life.
"You know, I always thought you were so nerdy for reading so much – cute, too though! – but now I kind of get it. I'm so nervous for what's going to happen. The French Revolution doesn't end very well for anyone involved, so I can't see this book having a happy ending, but I just have to know how it ends. And that drunk Sidney Carton guy is a really funny char –"
Sirius was probably surprised that Remus had grabbed him so suddenly and kissed him so forcefully, but Remus really couldn't care less. He kissed Sirius harder than he ever had before, pressing Sirius against the door and gasping as Sirius moaned in pleasure.
"R-Remus," gasped Sirius, "what the – the hell… Where did this c-come from?" Remus paused, then gently kissed Sirius' neck.
"This came from you," he whispered into Sirius' ear. "This is because you're you, and you were reading because you wanted to." Sirius chuckled weakly.
"I get this for being literate? I should read more often."
"Yes, you definitely should," growled Remus, biting at Sirius neck. Sirius said nothing, but ran his hands up Remus' back under his shirt before pulling it off.
"I like you like this," said Sirius, grinning wickedly. "It's pretty sexy."
"Almost as sexy as you are when you read," said Remus, fully aware that he sounded a bit ridiculous and shoving Sirius onto his bed.
"Looks like you're finally rubbing off on me," said Sirius, though he didn't seem to mind.
"More than that," replied Remus, grinding against Sirius, whose witty reply was drowned out by a loud, longing groan. The rest of their clothes were discarded in a breathless frenzy, thrown about their room, and Remus heard every noise Sirius made, no matter how quiet, each like a foghorn in his ears.
"Oh, fucking shit, Remus, fuck."
"Come on, oh Jesus, fucking – Remus, fucking, harder!"
Remus couldn't believe this amazing man had happened to him. Sirius Black, the man who could have anyone, had chosen Remus. And he liked what Remus did. He liked that Remus read, ate way too much chocolate, and sometimes thought Sirius was a bit immature.
But Sirius was maturing before Remus' eyes. He was transforming from boy to man, in so many ways. (For one thing, Sirius actually had to shave now.) He was beginning to understand that intelligence was equally important to fun – and more importantly, that it could be fun itself. Remus had been forced into maturity too early in high school. He'd been left alone with his books, and his love of reading had increased tenfold, but it was nothing to being with another person.
And now, Sirius was learning what Remus had in reverse. It was wonderful to be around other people, to converse and laugh and play drinking games on Tuesday afternoons, but sometimes it was just as much fun to sit in a quiet room and read.
Remus had never been very religious, but, as he came alongside Sirius with an intense groan, he thanked any deity that might exist for Sirius' presence in his life. He felt like Sirius had, in a way, saved him. He'd been in danger of becoming one of those people with no friends (except Lily, of course) and he might have simply ended up alone with his books again. But when Sirius had reached out to him that day, when Remus had left him at the café, Remus hadn't thought his life could or would progress this way. He'd never been happier.
xxx
Remus looked out the window of his room into the inky black sky, his foot twitching, feeling antsy. He glanced down at the sidewalk below, hoping to see Sirius coming into the dorm, even though he wouldn't be finished at work for another four hours. He sighed and looked down at his Biology book. Annoyed, he slammed it shut. He didn't have class until Monday, and he could never study very well without Sirius in the room anyway.
'I hate Thursdays,' thought Remus, irritated.
He knew he was being a bit unreasonable. He only hated Thursdays when Sirius worked on Thursdays. Just like how he hated Wednesdays when Sirius worked, or Tuesdays, or Mondays. Any day that Sirius worked felt like hell. Remus reached over and grabbed his phone, quickly dialing Lily's number.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Lily," he said. "Are you busy tonight?"
"James and I were about to go get something to eat, but you're welcome to come along," she said happily. "I haven't seen you all week! Ugh, school is ridiculous."
"Well, where are you guys going?"
"We haven't decided," she said. "Do you have an idea?"
"We could visit Sirius at work," suggested Remus.
"I don't know, Remus, Fletcher's is a pretty intense crowd," said Lily. "There are a lot of fights there."
"It's a Thursday, Lily," insisted Remus. "I really doubt there'll be a bar fight on a Thursday on campus."
"That's true," agreed Lily. "Alright. James, want to go visit Sirius at Fletcher's? Okay, cool. Remus is coming. Yeah, his idea. Remus?"
"Yeah?"
"We're in! We'll meet you at your dorm in twenty minutes, okay?"
"Sounds good," said Remus. "I have to get ready." Lily groaned. "Don't worry, I promise I'll match!"
"You better!" threatened Lily, but he heard the laugh behind her voice. "See you!" Remus hung up, feeling a little better. He would see Sirius, be in the same room as him. He let out a breath of relief. Just the thought of being near Sirius made him feel better. He threw on blue sweater over his white collared shirt and a pair of brown corduroys. And, of course, the traditional brown sandals. (It was almost winter – he'd have to put them away soon!) He hurried down seven flights of stairs just in time to see James and Lily, about to push the button to open the door.
"Hi!" he said as he pushed the door open.
"Eager?" asked James, raising an eyebrow.
"My room is lonely," said Remus, cracking a grin. "It's really quiet without him there."
"Yeah, and when I lived with him I took advantage of that and studied," said James. Remus shrugged.
"I need to tune him out to concentrate." James laughed.
"Figures," he said. "Anyway, Fletcher's is right by that pizza place, right?"
"Yep."
"Off we go then," said James, taking Lily's hand. Lily wrapped her arm around Remus' waist, and he laid his own across her shoulders.
"You know something?" she said after a moment of walking in silence.
"Hm?" said James.
"We're like a big happy family," she said. "I don't know what I'd do without you guys – even Sirius!"
"Hey!" said James and Remus together. Lily laughed.
"You know what I mean! He gets on my nerves sometimes." She squeezed Remus's side. "But I'm so glad you found him, Remus. I have never seen you happy like this!"
"I've never felt happy like this!" said Remus. "If it wasn't a weird thing to do, I'd get up on one of the buildings and proclaim it to the whole world how happy I am and why."
"I don't think the whole world would be able to hear you, mate."
"Shut up, James," said Lily. "Remus is having a cute moment."
"I thought I was always cute!" said Remus, feigning offense. "Lily! You wound me with your words!"
"Like a knife to the heart, right?" said James, snickering. "Sticks and stones, Lily."
"That doesn't make any sense," said Lily, glowering. "It's 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.'"
"Well, your words hurt," said Remus, jumping to James' aid. "You're much more hurtful than a stick or a stone."
"I'll throw both at you, then we'll see what hurts more," she muttered. James laughed and used his left hand to ruffle her hair.
"We're just joking, Lily Flower," he said.
"Easy, mate," said Remus. "Don't go for her hair again; she'll rip your hand off!"
"He's not wrong," growled Lily, pulling her hands back from both young men and trying to fix her hair.
"Please accept my humblest apologies, my love," said James, taking her left hand into both of his own and kissing it. Lily blushed, rolled her eyes, and said nothing.
"We walked right past Fletcher's," commented Remus.
"About face!" said James, doing a terrible imitation of a solider. Lily burst into laughter and James' face fell.
"What?" he asked. "It wasn't that funny!"
"Oh, yes it was," said Remus, laughing and holding the door open for his friends.
Fletcher's was dark. There wasn't a better description. The lighting was terrible; it was nearly impossible to see where to walk, let alone who else was there. The employees wore black slacks and black shirts, with black aprons. Remus squinted, trying to see if there was anyone in front of him, and accidently slammed right into James.
"Sorry," he said.
"S'alright," said James.
"How many?" croaked a voice near Remus' shoulder. He looked down, and through the darkness, the pale skin of a very small woman was jut visible.
"Three," said James. "And, um, if it's possible, could we have Sirius be our waiter?"
"Sirius doesn't wait tables," said the woman 's coarse voice. "He works in the back room."
"The kitchen?" asked James.
"No," said the woman, "the back room."
"Can I see him?" asked Remus. Though he couldn't see it, he got the impression that the woman had raised her eyebrows.
"You want to see Sirius?" she rasped, her voice skeptical. "Well, I'll check if he's free."
"He'll see me," Remus assured her. "Just point me where to go."
"And give you a flashlight," added James under his breath. Lily chuckled.
"That way," said the woman. "Last door on your left."
"We'll wait before we order," said Lily.
"Thanks," said Remus. "I won't be long. I'll just say hi." He thought he saw James nod, but it was hard to tell in the darkness. As he walked down the pitch-black hallway, Remus was glad that it was the last door. That meant he could simply walk into the wall if he needed to. Hands extended before him, he reached the wall and felt his way to the first door to his left. He paused for a moment and listened. There was no noise behind the door. He turned the knob and the door opened noiselessly.
He wished he'd found a dead body. It would have been less horrifying.
Instead he found Sirius, nearly bare, seated on a stranger in an enormous navy armchair. Remus couldn't see his hands, and he didn't want to. What he did see were Sirius' lips latched firmly onto this other man's mouth, wide open with a stranger's tongue in his mouth. Slowly, Sirius' right arm began to move back and forth, though his hand was invisible.
Remus let go of the doorknob. He couldn't move.
Sirius was hardly covered. He wore only a pair of shiny black underpants. Remus' stomach lurched as he remembered, the same day he'd met Severus, Sirius telling him that he wore them to work.
And suddenly, Remus thought he was going to throw up. He fell to his knees and coughed. He hadn't eaten for hours, so nothing came up but acid.
"What the bloody fucking hell is - ?" The stranger's voice was rough and unattractive. Remus doubled over again and more stomach acid came up.
"Remus!" Sirius' beautiful velvet voice cut Remus like a knife. He couldn't stop the scream that passed through his lips. He felt hands and arms against him, and a bite on his back that told him Sirius had something metal on his wrist. Sirius tried to pull him up, but he wrenched himself away.
He looked at Sirius. He took in Sirius' expression. Worry, concern, fear. Remus stumbled to his feet and backed away from Sirius, eyes wide with horror.
"Remus, I –" began Sirius, holding his hands up, right hand dangling a manacle, but Remus cut him off.
"Don't you dare." He tried to scream at Sirius, to yell and holler, but it only came out as a whisper. "Don't even try." Though his legs weren't functioning properly, Remus turned and tried to run. He stumbled down the dark passageway, looking for the door, Lily, James, the woman who worked there – anything, anyone that could get him out of here.
"Remus?" He turned toward the familiar voice – Lily. "Oh my God, Remus, what's wrong? James!"
Lily pulled Remus outside Fletcher's and pressed him for information. "What happened? Remus, Remus, you've got to tell me what's wrong."
But all Remus could manage was "S-Sirius. S-Sirius." Lily and James exchanged a glance and James bolted back into Fletcher's. Remus' stomach churned. James was going to see what Remus had just witnessed. The image reappeared in Remus' mind, burning itself into his retinas, and he doubled over again, heaving.
"Remus!" gasped Lily.
There sounded like there was an explosion from inside the pub. Lily looked in, terrified, but she couldn't bring herself to leave Remus alone like this. A moment later, James reappeared in the doorway, hauling Sirius before him by the neck.
"Oh my God," said Lily, taking in Sirius' appearance with horror. From his bare chest to his shiny black Speedo, from the slick sheen of sweat and something much worse to the purpling bruise on his eye.
"Explain," growled James, shaking Sirius violently. Sirius pulled himself from James' grasp.
"Just let me talk!" begged Sirius. "Just give me a second to talk!"
"You can talk if you're explaining what the fuck you're doing here," snapped James. "Come on, let's hear it, Sirius."
"Remus," said Sirius pleadingly, "Remus, I needed a job. I need to pay for college. I love you. Please, let me explain."
"EXPLAIN!" roared James.
"He won't look at me," said Sirius.
"You don't deserve that much," snarled Lily. Remus was still on his knees on the cement. Lily dropped down beside him and wrapped her arms around him, but he didn't seem to see her or feel her. He didn't move an inch. "Explain, Sirius. Now."
Sirius took a deep breath, and it sounded as though he was trying not to cry. "Remus, Dung Fletcher asked me if I wanted a job the first week here last year. I thought he meant waiting tables. I agreed, and when I got there, he sent me to the back room, and one of the other –" he gulped "– the other guys told me what we were doing. I hadn't even met you, Remus. And then I was bound into this job, and I needed to keep it. I need the money, Remus, or I'll be paying loans and debts for years. Remus, I love you, I love you so much. Please…"
Boiling anger shot through Remus' veins. His head whipped up and he gave Sirius a look of pure hatred.
"Don't you fucking lie to me," he seethed. "Your uncle left you more than enough money to pay off your school loans, and then some."
"My parents ended up with it," said Sirius. "I thought I was going to get all of it, but my parents found a loophole in the will. I don't get my inheritance until I'm thirty. My parents have it in the meantime. It'll be gone by the time I'm thirty, Remus. I – I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry about me."
"Success," said Remus, spite thick in his voice. He stood and looked Sirius right in the face. "I won't worry about you ever again." Sirius' eyes flew wide.
"Wait, no, Remus, don't say that!" he begged. "I'll do anything, please, don't do this!"
"I didn't do anything," said Remus, backing away from Sirius. "You did it."
"Remus, I told you, it was before I even met you!"
"Which means," Remus said, "that you've been doing this for our entire relationship." Sirius' mouth opened and closed several times in succession, like a fish out of water. Remus took a deep breath. "Yeah. The whole time, Sirius. You say you have trouble trusting people because of your parents. You know what I say? I say it's bullshit. You're just a selfish bastard. Did you think I'd never find out? Did you think what you were doing was okay? Did you think that I would be able to trust you after I found out?" He shook his head. His hands were balled into fists and were shaking at his sides. It took all of his self-control not to hit Sirius. "Fuck you, Sirius."
Remus turned and walked away jerkily, arms shaking. He didn't look back, though Sirius called out his name a few times before James stifled him. Remus knew Lily was following him, but he ignored her. He headed back to his dormitory, walked up the seven flights of stairs, and entered their room. He looked around. Everywhere, there was evidence of them. Them as a couple. On the corkboard above their bed were several pictures of them together, and one of them with Lily and James.
Remus reached out and ripped the pictures down before tearing them to pieces and throwing them on Sirius' bed.
He grabbed a small suitcase and flung it onto his bed. He packed quickly, throwing clothes into the suitcase. He headed to the bathroom and grabbed his toiletries. He looked around the room. His books were still strewn about, along with all of his notes for his classes.
Sirius had class tomorrow at two. Remus would come back then and get his books. He turned and left the room, dragging his suitcase behind him. He pushed the down arrow on the elevator, and a moment later, when the gray doors slid open, when Remus stood in the elevator, he didn't look back down the hallway.
xxx
Buzz. Remus stood outside another dorm twenty minutes later. He'd finally figured out which room he needed to buzz. Buzz.
"Hello?" said a voice, distorted by the ancient speaker.
"Severus Snape?" asked Remus. His voice sounded strange, even to himself.
"…Remus?" Severus sounded confused.
"Yes."
"What's up?"
"Can I stay with you tonight please?"
"Oh," said Severus, shock evident in his voice. "Sure, hang on, I'll come down."
"Don't bother," said Remus. "Fifth floor?"
"Yeah, room two-twenty-four."
"Thanks." A moment later, the door rattled and Remus reached out and wrenched it open. Remus went to the elevator and pushed the up arrow. As the elevator rattled upward, Remus saw his reflection, slightly distorted, in the elevator door. He couldn't understand his own expression. It was so flat and blank. He thought of every picture he'd seen of himself in the past year. In each one, he was either laughing and smiling, or making some ridiculous face on purpose. He always looked so happy. This expression didn't look right on his face after so much happiness.
He didn't deserve this.
The doors slid open, revealing the fifth floor of the West Slytherin dorm. Remus walked down the hallway, though it seemed to last forever. Two-oh-two. Two-oh-four. One foot in front of the other. He could see Sirius jerking off that other man in his mind. His knees began to shake. Two-fourteen. Two-sixteen. He heard Sirius trying to explain, but only making it so much worse. "It started before I even met you, Remus." It rang in his ears. His head hurt. He gasped, trying to hear something besides Sirius' voice giving him pathetic excuses. Two-twenty, two-twenty-two.
At last.
He knocked on the door once, and it flung open almost immediately.
"Oh no," said Severus, comprehending immediately. "What happened? Remus?"
But Remus couldn't speak. He took a few steps into Severus' room before his legs gave out and he crumpled to the floor and – finally – began to cry.
xxx
Remus woke up in a strange room. The bed he was in wasn't his own – it wasn't nearly big enough, and Sirius' warmth wasn't beside him. Where was he? And why did he feel like such shit?
Slowly, he sat up and looked around. Across the room, Severus was still asleep in his own bed. Severus.
"Please, let me explain, Remus." Remus felt like he was going to throw up again. The memories of the night before seeped into his conscious mind and he gasped for air, trying his hardest not to throw up in Severus' room. He shuddered, but managed to keep all of his stomach acid in his stomach; unfortunately, he'd woken Severus.
"Morning," muttered Severus, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. Remus could think of nothing to say that wasn't a lie, so he said nothing.
Severus had been perfect the night before. He'd let Remus cry on his shoulder for hours before Remus finally fell asleep from exhaustion. Severus had let Remus punch the floor, the wall, himself… Everything but letting Remus hit Remus. He'd let him scream, even though his neighbors had pounded against the walls when it was nearing one in the morning. He'd held Remus as he fell asleep, gently wiping away his tears, though more followed each time.
"Thank you," Remus muttered. He was embarrassed by his behavior. He didn't even know Severus that well, but he'd put this burden on him? It was rude. But Severus shook his head.
"No need to thank me," he said. "Though, I would like to know what happened." Remus shuddered.
"I don't know if I can tell you," he said. Just thinking about it made it hard to breath properly. His throat closed over and he choked for breath. He doubted he could get out the whole story.
"Was it Black?" asked Severus gently. Remus nodded, closing his eyes to hold back the tears. Severus growled a bit, but continued. "He did something… bad?" Remus tried to laugh, but sounded more like a strangled cough.
"Yes, he did," said Remus.
"Did he hurt you?" Remus raised an eyebrow to Severus. "Physically, I mean," clarified Severus. Remus shook his head.
"No," he replied. "In comparison, I wish he had." Severus looked surprised.
"Did he try to kill you or something?" asked Severus. This time, Remus managed a laugh.
"No, no," he said.
"Worse?"
"No one died," said Remus. 'No one's body died,' he amended in his head.
"Did he cheat on you?" asked Severus, his voice no longer joking or amused. Remus' breath caught in his throat. He felt tears stinging at his eyes as he nodded. He couldn't see Severus' sympathetic look, but he could feel it. "Oh, Remus. I'm so sorry."
Remus couldn't tell if he was glad that Severus wasn't saying "I told you so" or not. He felt like a fool for trusting Sirius, but he didn't want anyone to rub it in his face. He was in enough pain. But he wanted to rant and rave about Sirius, to yell and scream that Sirius was a bastard who'd taken his heart and ripped it to shreds. He wanted to say it to someone who would understand exactly what it felt like to be humiliated by Sirius Black. He wanted Severus to tell him that Sirius was a bastard. But he couldn't find the words to start.
"Listen to me, Remus," said Severus, standing and moving to sit beside Remus on the bed. "Listen. Sirius Black has never been anything but a selfish, immature prick. He hasn't ever deserved someone like you. He doesn't deserve to even look at you, think about you, or even be in the same country as you. Don't let this destroy you, because he doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve this kind of emotion from anyone, least of all someone as good as you."
"I gave him everything!" screamed Remus suddenly, falling forward onto Severus' lap. "I gave him more of me than I've ever given to anyone! I'm such a fucking idiot!"
"No," said Severus. "No, stop it. Stop torturing yourself. It's not your fault. He tricks even the best of people. What you need to do is put him behind you. Not right this second, but when you're ready. You need to learn from this, grow stronger from this. You need to work through the pain, and understand that it wasn't your fault."
"How could it be my fault?" moaned Remus. "But how could it be anything but my fault? What did I do to make him think that… that I wasn't worth it?"
"He's delusional," snarled Severus. "Listen to me, Remus. Don't let him win. If you think it's your fault, you're letting him win. This is… This is what he wants! This is what he does to people! This is the only thing he's good at, and he can fake the rest in between. Don't let him win, Remus. Please, I don't think I could stand it."
Hiccuping, Remus looked up into Severus' black eyes. He saw pity – the prominent emotion – and yet, confidence. Severus was so sure that Remus could get through this, so sure that Remus was strong enough to overcome what Sirius had done to him. Remus felt a bit of that strength in the pit of his stomach, warming him a little.
"Remus?"
"Hm."
"If you ever need to talk about it, or just yell or cry or anything, you can come to me. If you need someone who can really understand, I'm here. I promise." Remus stiffened at the words. Promises were lies. But this was not Sirius – this was Severus, who strove to be the opposite of Sirius in every way. If Sirius' promises were lies, then Severus' weren't.
"Thanks," said Remus. "Do you mind if I stay for a few nights, so I can get my stuff together and find an apartment? I mean, if not, it's alright, I can stay with James and Lily, but I'm afraid I'll run into –" He paused, unable to say Sirius' name.
"You can stay here as long as you need to," said Severus. "For the rest of the semester, if that's what it takes." Remus managed a weak smile.
"Thank you," he repeated.
"Don't thank me," said Severus.
xxx
It was almost noon. Remus sat, alone in Severus' dorm room, waiting to turn his phone on. He knew he'd probably have messages. Definitely at least two from Lily, maybe one from James. He hoped he had none from Black, because he didn't think he could stand to hear his voice. He glanced at the clock. Eleven-fifty-five. Black would be leaving for class any minute. He always left as late as he possibly could.
Remus flipped open his phone and pressed the on button. After a few moments, the home screen loaded, and it was immediately bombarded with messages – both texts and voicemails.
Twenty texts from Lily. Ten from James. Forty from Black.
Ten voicemails from Lily. Three from James. Thirty from Black.
Remus, where are you?
Are you alright? Are you safe?
I swear to god, Remus Lupin, if I don't hear from you soon, I'm calling your mother.
Listen Remus, Sirius is an idiot, but don't punish Lily and I for it, alright?
Remus, please, text me back. Call me back. Anything. I love you. I love you.
REMUS LUPIN I AM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT, WHERE ARE YOU?
Sirius called me and said you took some of your stuff and your suitcase. Listen, if you're running away, cool, just call me or Lily or Sirius and tell us that you're safe.
James beat up Sirius. He bled. It was awesome.
Remus shuddered as he looked through the never-ending texts. He was dreading listening to Lily shout at him over the phone. Even more, he was dreading hearing Black's likely-morose voice begging him to forgive him. He couldn't help but snort. Like that was going to happen anytime soon. Or ever.
Just before he pressed speed dial 1 for his voicemail, mentally preparing for the torment, his phone vibrated in his hand.
Lily Evans, it read. Remus sighed and clicked Accept.
"Hello?" he said tentatively.
"REMUS!" screamed Lily. "OH MY GOD, JAMES, HE PICKED UP!"
"Lily, you're hurting my ears," said Remus.
"GOOD!" she screeched. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU JUST PUT ME THROUGH? I HAVEN'T SLEPT ALL NIGHT, YOU GOD DAMN ASSHOLE! I'VE SPENT THE NIGHT YELLING AT JAMES AND SIRIUS AND THE WALL, BECAUSE YOU VANISHED OFF THE FACE OF THE GOD DAMN EARTH, YOU STUPID, STUPID PRICK!"
"Lily, give me the phone," said James' voice in the background. "No, Lily, seriously, let me have it." There was a fumbling noise, then, much clearer, James said, "Remus?"
"Yeah?"
"Where are you?"
"With Severus," he said. "And don't tell Black. I don't want him to know where I am."
"Right," said James. "You're safe? You have somewhere to stay?"
"Yeah. Severus offered his place 'til the end of the semester."
"How are you going to get your stuff?"
"I was going to go get it while Black is at class," said Remus. Somehow, his surname didn't hurt as much. Maybe it was because the Black family was filled with people who liked to hurt people. It made him more of an idea than a person who could love and be loved.
"Okay," said James. "I'll let him know when not to be in the room."
"If you tell him I'm coming during his classes, he won't go to class," said Remus.
"I know. I'll make sure he's not there," James assured him. Remus took a deep breath. Trusting James was risky. James and Black were best friends. But there was something in James' voice that made Remus believe in him.
"Thanks," he said.
"No problem," said James, before hanging up. Remus sighed with relief. James Potter was, in all, a good friend. He'd braved Lily's wrath and saved Remus from having to answer all sorts of painful questions. He'd answer them someday, but for now, he just couldn't. He wasn't ready.
He stood and stretched. It was time to get up. Time to try to be a human being.
xxx
A week later, and Lily still called Remus every day, leaving a message, begging for information, begging him to call her (while she was awake) and talk to him. Every night, at two in the morning, he called her and left another message that told her very little – the bare minimum. He was still where he was, he was going to class, he was eating. Though he didn't mention that he couldn't keep said food down. He didn't want to worry her any more than he already was.
James had called and left a message on Tuesday, promising Remus that Black would be out of the dorm room on Thursday, starting at noon. Remus almost threw up when he heard the message. Black worked on Thursdays.
Sometimes, in the middle of the night, Remus would creep into the community bathroom and listen to one of Sirius' thirty voicemails and cry until he threw up. He missed Sirius so much it hurt, but it hurt even more to remember Sirius touching that other man so gently, so lovingly, so sensually. He choked up whatever he'd eaten that day whenever he saw Sirius' lips, smiling against the dark haired man's mouth.
And it was only these moments, stolen at night, without even Severus' knowledge, that Remus let himself think Sirius' given name. He'd whisper Sirius' name like it was a word forbidden by law, like he'd be banished for saying it. But in the morning, it was back to Black, or nothing at all. Severus seemed to know when Remus wanted to talk about it and when he didn't, and when Remus could handle the world and when he couldn't. Remus had never been more thankful to a friend before in his life.
But finally, Thursday came, and – at noon, after retching for almost an hour – Remus picked up the courage to go over to his old dorm, his old room, his old life, and pick up the scattered remains.
He slid his electronic key into the lock and waited for the click. Slowly, he opened the door, trying to be quiet. He poked his head in, but it was empty. He sighed in relief. He hadn't seen Black in a week, and though both thoughts made him equally sick, he didn't want to see him again for a long, long time. He shut the door behind him and looked around the room.
Black had taped together all of the pictures that Remus had shredded, and they were back on the corkboard. Remus' stomach churned and he breathed through his nose to keep from vomiting. He looked down at Black's bed – one of Remus' leftover sweaters was there, and it looked as though Black had been sleeping with it. Remus couldn't decide if he wanted to take it or leave it. Taking it meant he had to touch it, but leaving it gave Black permission to cuddle with it. Both options were rather revolting. In the end, he decided that it would make a much better statement if he took it with him, so, after pulling out his large purple suitcase, he gingerly took his sweater between two fingers and tossed it into the bottom. He noticed salt stains on the left shoulder. Black had been crying onto his sweater?
A sick anger pooled in his stomach. Black had no reason to cry. The dumb bastard had brought any pain on himself. He deserved to feel like shit, but he didn't deserve to express it on Remus' sweater.
As quickly as possible, Remus began throwing his things into the purple suitcase. He wanted to get out soon; he felt uncomfortable, vulnerable in this room.
Finally, after nearly an hour of work, almost all of Remus' possessions were stuffed into the purple suitcase. He was in the process of pulling down his last poster – one of the band Vertical Horizon – when he heard the door creak open.
He froze.
No, James wouldn't have done that to him. Not James. His heart stopped beating for five entire seconds before Remus remembered that he needed to breathe. Slowly, he turned, and sighed with relief.
It wasn't Black. It was James.
"Couldn't you have called ahead?" he gasped, blissfully relieved that it was James Potter. James looked a but surprised.
"I did," he said. "Your phone was off."
"Oh," said Remus, embarrassed. "Sorry, I just… keep getting messages from Lily and Black, and I just don't want to deal with them."
"That's kind of why I'm here," admitted James. "Look, I know what Sirius did was completely unforgivable to you. And it should be, and I'm not going to tell you to forgive him – ever. But at least talk to Lily. She misses you, and she won't stop talking about how she's worried about you, and it's driving me mad."
"I call her every day," mumbled Remus. James laughed.
"Come on, Remus," he said. "You leave her messages at four in the morning sometimes. She calls you every day – at reasonable hours, I'd like to add – and you call her back at four am? Give her a break, please. She didn't do anything."
"It's not because she did anything," said Remus immediately. "I'm not angry with her for anything. I just don't know if I can hear her talk about him. She'll just talk about how bad he is and how I'm such an angel and not to blame. I can deal with it for a while and from some people, but Lily won't let it drop, ever. And she…" He took a deep breath and looked away before continuing to roll up the poster. "She'll pity me."
"I pity you," said James. "Does that make me unworthy?"
"It's not about being unworthy. It's about how much I can take right now. I can handle you and I can handle Severus. Please don't ask me to take on more than I can right now. I'm trying not to fail every single class."
"I'll talk to Lily," said James. "I'll make sure she talks about something else. Just, please. Can the three of us go out sometime? We can go to that Italian place." Remus sighed. He wasn't going to win this one.
"You, me, and Lily?"
"That's all, us three," James promised. Remus looked around at him.
"Fine," he said. "When?"
"Tomorrow," replied James. "I actually already made the reservation. We were either going to take you or him and try to talk some sense into one of you."
"Excuse me?" growled Remus.
"Face it, Remus, you're becoming a hermit. And Sirius isn't much better. When he isn't in class or… um… in class, he's here, moaning and crying and calling me."
"You talk to him?"
"I do, but Lily doesn't," he said, shrugging. "Look, Remus, Sirius is my best mate. He has been for years. There's no way I'm just going to leave him in the dust. I can't say I'm happy with him right now, but I'm trying to be unbiased right now so I can try to fix this."
"There's nothing to fix," said Remus. "If you ask me, everything is just the way it should be."
"What, you and Sirius both miserable?"
"Him, succeeding in destroying yet another heart, and me, finally a safe distance from him."
"Come on, Remus," began James, but Remus shook his head.
"No, James," he said. "I won't listen. I won't forgive him for this. I won't let him back in. If you could feel what I feel, you wouldn't even question it. Do you know what happens when I say his name?" He glared at James.
"No, you won't talk to anyone."
"I throw up, James. I can't say his name without throwing up. I wake up every morning and almost hurl because all I can dream about anymore is him with that guy at work, like it's nothing! He was cheating on me from the first day we got together. Our relationship with nothing but a lie. What I thought was love was nothing but a lie."
"How often do you throw up?" asked James.
"Every day," said Remus. "I can't keep anything down. I'm trying to be normal, trying to keep life going, but every day I think of him, and it just… just…" Remus' stomach swished uncomfortably, and he knew what was about to happen before it did. For the second time that day, Remus ran to the bathroom and threw up, heaving and retching into the toilet.
"Shh," whispered James, rubbing Remus' back soothingly. "Get it all up now." And Remus did, and for the next ten minutes, Remus' breakfast came back up. Breathing heavily and shaking, Remus finally pushed himself away from the toilet, asking for water. James quickly supplied him with a cup. Remus swirled the water in his mouth, then spit it into the toilet before drinking.
"Is that today's puke?" asked James softly.
"Second time today," said Remus, leaning against the wall. James frowned.
"That's really unhealthy," he said.
"No kidding," said Remus sarcastically. "Never would've guessed." James fought a small smile and continued.
"Maybe you should see a doctor," he suggested. "And not just a regular doctor. Maybe a therapist or something. You don't seem to be dealing particularly well."
"Severus is helping a lot," said Remus. "Although I think if the throwing up doesn't stop soon, he's going to drag me to a doctor himself."
"Good," said James. "I'm glad Snape is watching out for you. Tell him… I said thank you."
"He won't appreciate it," said Remus. James shrugged.
"Tell him anyway," said James. "I mean it. I'm glad you've got someone who cares watching you every day. That first day, Lily was afraid you were going to do something really stupid – I'm not gonna lie, I was afraid you would, too – but once I heard you were with Snape, I felt so much better. As long as you were with someone." Remus nodded and tried to stand.
"Yeah," he said, groaning. "Severus has been great. I don't know what I'd do without him." James smiled.
"One more thing, Remus," he said.
"Yeah?"
"Tell him… Tell him, I'm sorry."
xxx
A/N: Life, my dear readers, is wonderful when you have these 2 things:
Over 50,000 words on a fanfic. Oh my god, I hit 50,000. We're basically halfway now, loves.
Characters to make totally miserable. Takes your mind of your own misery, right? Right. So, here's some angst.
So, I leave for college very soon. 8 days, actually. I don't know what's going to happen with my fanfiction life once I hit college, so you're going to have to bear with me. It might take a really, really long time for me to update. Possibly 'til November or December, but I hope I'll manage to get at least ONE chapter out before that. Also, I need to remake my outline, because I lost it. :(
I can promise that next chapter will explain why certain characters are in this story. It'll also go a bit more into the Lord JewKiller - I mean Voldemort – theme. One important thing to remember is that this is an AU, and a non-magic one at that, and therefore, things are gonna be seriously different. Honestly, the lolzy reviews I'm gonna get later are something that really just makes me want to finish.
Ever seen Potter Puppet Pals? Yeah. Haha. If anyone gets that at the end of the story, you get 20 awesome points. And maybe a brownie. Anyway, thank you so much for the reviews for chapter nine! Now review chapter ten! :D Angst begs you on his knees for reviews. He'll angst some more if you don't review! Do you really want to be to blame for MORE ANGSTING? Imagine Order of the Phoenix Harry with MORE ANGST! Is it really worth it? No. Now review!
Love you all.
~Kate