Chapter Nine: Something's Changed

BREAKING NEWS

Rock star Ziggy Stardust and his entourage went missing in a plane crash today on the way to America.

The plane was flying over the Atlantic Ocean when it appears that the engine malfunctioned. All bodies but two have been recovered- the body of Ziggy Stardust himself and of the passenger in the seat next to him. Manager Nick Cyrus was found among the wreckage, as well as Stardust's backing band, the Spiders From Mars.

Several search-and-rescue planes scanned the nearby coastline of New York, but nothing related to the accident was found. It is unlikely that the missing persons could have survived to swim to shore.

Audrey was in town when she saw the news. There it was, printed on paper at the stand. She grabbed the newspaper immediately and read the entire story. By the time she finished, her hands were shaking and her body was numb. She took Eva and drove back home, forgetting all her plans to go shopping.

The Pinkertons had never owned a television, and Floyd had removed their telephone a long time ago. There was nowhere to look for more information. Finally Audrey left Eva at home alone, telling her to be a good girl and wishing that Floyd's mother was still alive, and drove back out into town. She entered the nearest pub and leaned against the wall, straining to hear the television. The TV showed footage of the plane crash and of the search-and-rescuers pulling each body out of the cold ocean. Audrey felt the world going black. She didn't have time to catch herself before hitting the floor.

She awoke in the back room of the pub, with an employee waving alcohol under her nose. Audrey sat up and scrambled away from him, bursting into sobs. "What's wrong, miss?" the worker asked, and Audrey wept, "My husband was on the plane to America!" Not waiting for his reaction, she wobbled to her feet and rushed back out to her car, pounding rain mingling with the tears on her face.

Once at home, Audrey discovered that Eva had fallen asleep on the couch downstairs. She took the time to wash her face and straighten her hair and think of how she was going to break the news to her daughter. Finally Audrey sat down and woke Eva up. "Mummy?"

"It's me, dear," Audrey said soothingly. "Eva, I want you to be a big girl now and promise me that you won't get upset at what I'm going to tell you."

"What is it, Mum?" Eva asked, her dark eyes frightened.

Audrey took a deep breath and laid a hand on her daughter's shoulder. "It's about Ziggy and your father. There was a plane crash. They've gone missing."

Eva only stared in shocked silence at Audrey before bursting into tears. "DADDY! ZIGGY!"

Floyd's father was killed in a plane crash too, Audrey thought when she had calmed Eva enough to get her to sleep. It took him years to feel normal again. I don't want that to happen to Eva.

Unlike Floyd, Eva had actually known her father, known him well enough to remember what he looked like and to miss him when he was gone. They'd gotten attached to each other. If Floyd truly was dead, it would be a hard blow to the family.

Audrey sipped some gin from her glass and thought about what she'd told Eva. "We have to pray for him-" those were the last words she had spoken before they'd gotten on their knees and prayed silently for God to bring Floyd, husband and father, back from the depths of the ocean. It was all they could do in such a situation. Audrey had tucked Eva into bed and stayed with her as she cried herself to sleep. Her heart had gone out to her daughter, and she ran downstairs to pour a glass of gin and drink it down before retiring to her bedroom, listening for Eva's breathing through the wall.

As Audrey curled up in bed on her side, tangling the sheets around her legs, she remembered the time when she had told Floyd she was pregnant. It was something she'd never been able to forget. After the reveal, both of them sitting on the couch, Audrey smiling and waiting for a reaction, Floyd had stared at her not in disbelief or joy, but in shock- complete shock.

"…Oh god," he finally whispered, and half-rose from his seat. "OH GOD." He jerked up, and Audrey grabbed him, her happiness melting away. "What's wrong, Floyd? Aren't you happy?"

"How?!" he choked at last, surrendering to Audrey's touch and sinking back down. "How are you pregnant?" He looked at her as if expecting a baby to pop out of her any moment.

"Well, em… we have been having a lot of sex," Audrey offered. "And we never use protection…"

"I didn't know you had to use protection," Floyd gasped, his face turning white. He hadn't even known sex was connected to getting pregnant, but he wasn't going to admit that to Audrey. She seemed confused enough as it was.

"Of course you do," Audrey said, trying to take Floyd's hand. He pulled away, his terrified eyes meeting hers.

"Audrey- I don't know what to do if we have a child!"

She started to speak, but Floyd shut her up.

"I can't be a father! I never had a father in the first place. I'd be terrible at this… You can't have the baby, Audrey! I- I…"

"Yes?" Audrey inquired, her eyes wide. Seeing that he was scaring her, Floyd slumped his head and looked down at his fingers.

"I'm not a good person," he said. "I just don't know what to do."

"Floyd," Audrey said softly. She took his head between her hands. "You may not be a good person, but I know one other thing you're not- a bad person. You'll make a wonderful father."

"But how?" Floyd asked. "I never had a role model. I don't know what fathers are supposed to do."

"They love their children very, very much," Audrey said, kissing Floyd on the lips. "I never had a father either. It will all work out right. Just you wait and see."

And it did all work out. After the expected nine months, as Audrey grew rounder and rounder and Floyd grew more and more apprehensive, Eva was born in the Somerset hospital. Floyd was there to watch, his mouth and eyes wide with shock as the doctor slid a blood-covered Eva out of Audrey's body. She was so limp, so still that he wondered if she was dead. And then the air rushed into her lungs and she let out a wail. That wail split Floyd and Audrey's ears and became the soundtrack of their following years with their new daughter. And as soon as Floyd held Eva in his arms, he cried too.

They had no one to share this new addition to their life with. No one but Floyd's mother. Audrey's mother had died when Audrey was in her 20's, and her father had left her as a child. Floyd invited his mother down to Somerset, and she spent two happy days there playing with her new granddaughter. Audrey was grateful for her, and they had long talks over cups of tea when Eva was asleep. She was arthritic and a little forgetful, but very cheerful and very much in love with her granddaughter. Floyd couldn't keep the smile off of his face when she was around.

She only saw Eva once, however. A week later, a message came through the post that Floyd's mother had suffered a terrible fall and was now in the hospital in critical condition. Floyd traveled to see her, and that night, called Audrey. With a one-week old daughter in her arms, Audrey took the train down to London to meet Floyd at the home of his mother, ready to comfort him.

He told Audrey that her last words had been "Thank you." To whom they were directed to, he had no idea. He assumed it was the doctor, and that his mother had been thanking him for all the work keeping her alive, but Audrey had other ideas. "She meant you, Floyd," she explained to her husband as they sat huddled into each other on the couch, Floyd's face in her hair. "She was thanking you for reconciling with her and admitting that you were wrong."

"You think so? You weren't there," Floyd had murmured, his voice raw.

"I know so." And the tears had come, and Audrey held Floyd all through the night until he was done crying and asleep, exhausted.

Audrey blinked and resurfaced from her memories to find that the tears were on her own cheeks now. She rocked herself back and forth like a child, reminding herself that she had to carry on. Eva needed her now, and this was not the time to disappear behind her wall as she had done when her mother died. Together, mother and daughter would get through this and wait for the day when Floyd returned.

"Do you think Audrey knows yet?"

These words came from Floyd's mouth and were directed at Ziggy as they sat around a campfire, staring into the flame. Shadows danced along their faces, and Ziggy shrugged. "I don't know, man. We're so far from civilization."

"But the plane didn't crash far away from civilization," Floyd pointed out.

Ziggy nodded. "True, very true." He leaned back on his hands and stared up at the night sky.

Rael had led Floyd and Ziggy through the outskirts of New York. They had all been disturbed to find that all the trees had fallen down- a recent development? When questioned, Rael said he had no idea about anything that went on outside of the central city. He had rarely seen trees at all in his lifetime- "only in Central Park."

The creepiest thing of all, though, was that there was no sign of human life. Absolutely no humans whatsoever, besides Rael, Ziggy, and Floyd. The towns they traveled through were ghost towns, abandoned. Finally Rael hadn't been able to take his hunger and thirst anymore and entered a drugstore. He went straight for the food, nabbing a bag of chips, and sat down on the floor to eat them, smiling. "This must be Heaven! We don't have to pay for anything!"

The trio had eaten and drank their fill, all the while expecting someone to come out and demand money. But no one appeared, and soon they were on their way again, their hunger quenched, ready to search for signs of life. When it began to get dark, Ziggy and Rael had collected dead wood under the order of Floyd and Rael had built a bonfire. They sat there now, watching the sky for signs of planes while Rael dozed off.

"This is the reason why I didn't want to go on tour," Floyd said. "I'd miss Audrey too much. We've barely been apart since the day… the day we met." Of course that wasn't true, but explaining to Ziggy how long they'd been together would involve bringing up memories that Floyd had been dwelling on too often recently.

"Wow," Ziggy said, his blue eyes fastened to the fire. "That's quite some devotion."

Floyd looked up at him. "Don't stare into the fire like that, you'll go blind."

"Eh." Ziggy blinked once. "I've already got one messed up eye. It's no big deal to harm the other."

Floyd sighed in mild exasperation. "Tell me, how did you hurt your eye like that?"

"Long story. Actually no, it's quite short. I'll give you three hints- girl, jealousy, fight."

"And he damaged your eye that badly?"

"Oops, I mean four hints- the last one is ring."

Floyd sucked in a breath. "That sounds painful."

"It was," Ziggy agreed, finally taking his gaze off the bonfire. His eyes strayed over to Rael, asleep a little ways away from the two men.

"I wonder how he got his scar?" he murmured.

Floyd shrugged, glancing over as well. "What do you make of his story?"

"Pretty much the same as what he made of mine," Ziggy sighed. "Even on another planet, that kind of story is ridiculous."

"You can say that again!" Floyd laughed.

Ziggy continued, "Still, I'd like to believe that at least some of it is true. Rael seems to believe it, anyway."

"Maybe he was on drugs," Floyd said. "Had a big hallucination and dreamed the whole thing up." He grimaced and looked away.

Rael, in the meantime, was sleeping calmly. He had retired as soon as the bonfire was built, realizing that he hadn't slept since he was put out by the Doktor Dyper, and was now utterly exhausted after everything he'd been through. He needed some time to himself to recharge his batteries. Without so much as a goodnight, Rael had crawled away from the bonfire and turned his back to Floyd and Ziggy, curling up into a ball, as he was wont to do when he slept. He had lain there for a few moments, trying not to think of New York and the tragedy that had befallen his gang. He'd been wrong about finding time to mourn for them- with Ziggy and Floyd here, it was impossible. If they heard him crying they would surely ask what was wrong, and Rael didn't want that, not in the least. He didn't want to appear weak to them. So for now, Rael left his tears unshed, wiping them away from his eyes with the palm of his hand, and pillowed his head on his arms, waiting for sleep to come. Maybe things will look better in the morning. Then again, it could go the opposite way. Rael would just have to wait and see.

It was only after a few minutes that he heard someone calling his name. And not just any someone- this voice was familiar, unmistakable to Rael's ears, a voice he would know anywhere, at any time. Rael. Congratulations. It was the voice of his brother John!

John! Rael cast out with his mind, trying to find the source of the voice. John, are you there?

I'm here, the voice answered. Congratulations, Rael. You've passed the test.

Why can't I see you? Rael asked, wishing his mind would turn the light on. What test?

The test that you have been taking unknowingly for a year now, John answered. I was a major part of it.

Wait… does the World Below have anything to do with it? Rael asked, the pieces slowly sliding into place.

He could hear the smile in John's voice. The World Below has everything to do with it.

What was it a test for, though? Rael asked, and John responded with- It was a test to make you into a man. It began when you were seventeen, and your heart was shaved- do you remember that?

How could I forget? The pain had been nearly unbearable, something that Rael would remember for years to come. The way the razor had stripped his heart of hair, toughening him up until the heart was naked and glistening in the light of the moon outside.

We rid you of emotions so that you would be able to prove yourself to the gang, John's voice said. Without their trust, you would have died. We made you resemble an extrovert so that you could survive in New York.

Rael didn't quite know what the word "extrovert" meant, but he didn't interrupt so that John could finish the explanation.

Rael, do you remember the morning after?

Rael tried to remember, but it was all lost in a blur. All he could remember about the morning after was that John had been there- John, John, John…

I was created then, John explained. You thought I was real, but I wasn't. That explains why none of the gang members interacted with me besides you. The World Below wanted you to have a brother figure so that you could learn responsibility. They put you through a strenuous test underground to see how much you had learned in the year I was there. When you saved my life in the rapids, it was deemed that you had learned your lesson and that you were ready for the world again. And so they gave you back the part of yourself that I had stolen- namely, my intelligence, my skill with words, my calm demeanor, and my physical strength. Now those qualities are yours, Rael. They are ours.

What? Rael was struggling to follow along. So… you weren't real? You were never there all along? He felt his heart straining, longing for John. A profound sense of loss overcame him.

I was real to you, John said. But not to anyone else.

But- John- I don't feel any different. I don't think I have your qualities after all.

You do, John assured him. Well, I was kidding about the physical strength part, but every emotional quality of mine has been integrated into you now. You have proved yourself ready for these things.

Rael pondered this for a long while before asking, John… will I ever see you again?

No, John said, and after tonight you won't hear from me again either. I can't speak to you as another being. We are the same, not two halves of one whole. We are one.

But… but I'll miss you, Rael whispered huskily, overwhelmed by a bittersweet feeling he had no name for.

I'll still be here, John said. I am you. Just look at your reflection if you want to see me. The voice was getting fainter in the distance now, and Rael cried out for it to stay. John! Don't leave me…

I'm not leaving you, he answered. I am joining you.

Then why does it hurt so much? Rael begged. Why does it feel like I'm losing you? Losing John… the one thing that Rael had never been able to face in his lifetime. He hadn't even been able to say the words 'John' and 'die' in the same sentence.

Because you're holding on too strongly, John said. You're thinking of me as another person. You need to let go and accept that I am a part of you, that I am you, in order for me to successfully integrate.

But… I can't do that, Rael thought sadly.

Yes, you can. Yes, we can. From now on, you will only refer to yourself in the plural pronoun, so that you and others will know that we are one. John's voice was even fainter now. Goodbye, Rael- or should I say, Hello.

If Rael had been able to move, he would have fallen to his knees. I love you, John, he finally managed to call desperately as his brother left.

I love you too, Rael, John replied, his voice nearly inaudible. I never told you myself, but I love you, and I truly do care. With that, John was gone, and Rael was left utterly alone.

Hello, John.

The silence around the campfire was broken with the sound of Rael's heavy breathing. Floyd glanced over at him. Rael was whimpering in his sleep, sounding desolate and heartbroken.

Ziggy noticed this too, and whispered, "Should we wake him up?"

Floyd shook his head. "He needs to sleep. Besides, if the nightmare's bad enough he'll wake up himself."

Ziggy nodded, still watching Rael, and then asked, "What about the bonfire?"

"I don't think we should waste our water by putting it out," Floyd said. "One of us needs to stay up and feed it."

"I'll do it," Ziggy volunteered, pulling his gaze off Rael and onto Floyd.

"Okay," Floyd said, nodding. "Wake me up when you want to rest." He lay down on the hard ground and closed his eyes. "Goodnight, Ziggy."

"Goodnight, Floyd."