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Chapter 10 In This Moment

If I could stop time right now and live in this moment forever I would. Alicia sleeping peacefully right next to me. Our baby safe and growing inside her. My arm just like this wrapped around her feeling the gentle rise and fall of her stomach. She's so beautiful that porcelain skin and her long eyelashes. It feels so right even though things are far from right. Remember is moment. Her carrying our child may never happen again.

He sighed and turned over onto his back releasing his grasp on her sleeping body.His thoughts turned to a moment a few years earlier. Another moment he'd etched into his memory. A moment he'd hoped back then could be a reality some day just like this one.

"What are you looking at?" She said peering up at him having just woken up.

"You" he smiled.

"Close your eyes!" She leaned over and pressed her lips to his. He reached his hands wrapping them around her pulling her on top of him. She pulled back and folded her arms across his chest smiling widely at him.

"You really are happy aren't you?"

She started running her finger around in circles on his chest. "Yes! I meant what I said last night." She briefly turned her gaze to the French doors that opened up to their balcony, and then turned back to him. "I haven't been this happy in a long time Will."

He pulled her closer to him quickly turning her so he was on top of her. He pressed his lips to hers again. And they made love as the sun rose over the New York skyline.

He glanced at the clock sitting on the bedside table. Six it read. He'd been awake for at least an hour. He got out of bed and moved to the kitchen starting some coffee. Turning towards the table he noticed his brief case.

Work good, the perfect distraction. He moved to the table and pulled out some files to work on. An hour later buried deep in work he didn't realize she'd been watching him for a few minutes.

I love you.

His words from the previous night kept running over and over through her mind. She knew he meant it. Deep down she probably loved him too, but it scared her. All of this scared her. She felt so close to him in ways, yet so distant. There was too much on her mind. She knew in the next few weeks there would be far more time for her to over think and analyze everything including those words. She would need a distraction.

Work will be the perfect distraction. I'll just need to convince him.

She tried to get some coffee without disrobing him, but was unsuccessful.

"How did you sleep?" he said not looking up from the file in front of him.

"Good" She moved to the table and sat next to him. "And you?"

He looked up their eyes meeting. He gave her a half smile. "Good" He lied. "How are you feeling?"

She sighed leaning back in the chair. "Nauseous"

Idiot, of course she's nauseous. She's been nauseous for weeks. I have to make this up to her. "What can I get for you?"

"My purse. I need the nausea medication. And do you have any cereal?" He eyed her questioningly. "It's the only thing I'm able to keep down in the morning these days."

"You don't even like cereal."

She smiled. "Yeah pregnancy is a funny thing!"

He looked over to the cupboard. "I'll check." He stood and retrieved her purse from he coffee table. Handing it to her he moved over to the cupboard and opened it. "I have cheerios."

"That will be fine."

They sat and ate in silence. Finally she spoke up. "I need to call the hospital. Then I should probably get home. I should be there before the kids get back." She rubbed her hands over her face. "How are we going to keep this quiet?"

He moved his hand to her arm. "The hospital staff will be circumspect. And I have a plan for work."

She looked up at him over her fingertips. "You have a plan?" She smiled.

"I know, I thought I'd try it out for awhile. See if plans are all they're cracked up to be!"

She smiled chuckling a little.

"Do you want me to come with you? I mean to talk to Zach and Grace?"

By the expression on her face the thought had clearly never even crossed her mind. It took a few moments for her to respond.
"No, I think it will be best if I tell them alone. But I do want you to be at the hospital."

"I will be there. I could come pick you up from home if you want." Even though part of him wanted to distance himself from the baby, he felt a strong need to take care of her and make sure everything was alright. He wanted to make this as easy on her as possible. He wanted to be there for her. But he didn't know how much she wanted him to be there, so he decided he would follow her lead.

"That might be... Let me talk to the kids first."

He nodded. "How long is the recovery?"

"I'll have to spend two days in the hospital. Two weeks before I'll likely feel well enough to go into the office. Six weeks before I should really be doing long days and going to court." She sighs and looks away shaking her head. "Longer if… I'm going to go crazy for that amount of time out of the office."

"You've done it before for much longer. You need to take care of yourself. I shouldn't have allowed you to work as much as you have the past few weeks."

She sits up in her chair now irritated. "Will I want to work and you can't tell me not to." She stood from her chair and turned to leave the room. He grabbed her arm as he stood turning her toward him.

"I didn't mean it that way. You can work. I'll be the last person on the planet to say you can't. You just need to take it easy for awhile. You can work from home if you're up to it. That's the beauty of being you. No one can tell you when or where to work!"

"I suppose your right." She sighed.

He put his hand under her chin. "I will never force you to do something you don't want to."

She looked away. "Okay. I'm just nervous about today."

He pulled her close placing his arms around her waist. "Everything is going to be fine. Don't worry." They stared at each other for a few moments then she pulled away patting him on the chest.

"I need to change."

His eyes followed her down the hall. Once she was out of sight he returned back to the table and sat.

I'm going to have to watch what I say. After the past month anything I say could be taken the wrong way .I've broken more of her trust than I realized. I am so tired and the day has just begun. What happens after the surgery? We can't just go on as if none of this ever happened. I don't know if she'll ever want to talk about it. I don't know if I will ever want to talk about it."

He sat back in the chair and closed his eyes. This might tear us further apart. We can't exactly tell anyone what's really going on. At least not with the baby .We aren't even together really. At least I don't think we are. I love her, but... Just get through today.

He stood pushing the thoughts to the back of his mind and went to shower.

/

Zach and Grace sat across from Alicia on the sofa. Owen was in the chair next to them. "There is something I need to talk to you guys about."

"Is it about you being sick?" Zach asked.

"Yes. You two are old enough now to understand some things. I have to go to the hospital in a few hours and have some surgery done."

That caught Owens attention. "You what?"

Both Zach and Grace looked worried. "What for?" Zach said.

Alicia bit her lip and looked away for a moment. Then turned her gaze back to them. "I'm pregnant." Grace and Zach looked at each other slightly shocked.

"Your pregnant?" Owen said to clarify.

"Yes"

"Is it Peter's?" He continued.

It was time to just get it all out. "No. It's Will's."

"Mom" Grace said upset. "You divorce Dad, and then you just..." She folded her arms and looked away from Alicia.

"Grace listen to me. Sometimes people, grownups, make mistakes."

"So it was a mistake? This baby was a mistake and so now you're going to get rid of it?" Grace didn't know what to think. She was angry that her mother would even consider such a thing.

Zach piped in. "Grace they aren't even dating. They can't have a baby together."

"Well they had to have gone out at least once. How else could mom be pregnant?"

"Stop" Alicia said sternly. "Grace this baby is not a mistake in the sense that I would ever consider getting rid of it. Will and I weren't being careful. It wasn't his fault. It was mine. I was angry at your father and even though that isn't a good excuse things happened. Things that I can't take back. I would never abort one of my own children. Do you understand?"

Grace calmed down some. "Then why?" She sat back against the sofa folding her arms. "Because Will doesn't want it?"

"No, because the baby can't survive." The tears started to well up. "It's growing in one of my fallopian tubes, and there's nothing we can do." They sat in silence for a few moments.

"Do you love Will? Are you guys dating?" Zach asked.

"I... It's complicated. I care about Will. He cares about me. We are good friends. But love is a strong word, and I'm not ready to be in another relationship yet."

"But you must care about him enough to sleep with him. And what if the baby was going to be okay? Would you two get married? Would you share custody? Did Will even want a baby?" Zach inquires.

"Yes, Will wanted this baby once he found out about it. But that was only two days ago. I didn't even know I was pregnant for sure until yesterday. He is going to be at the hospital today, and I need you two to try and understand how difficult this is for both of us. I know this is hard, but you're old enough to try and understand."

"I think what your mom is trying to say is that she'd like it if you guys could try to get along with Will." Owen said. The two nodded then looked back at Alicia.

"I have to stay at the hospital for a few days. If you two want to come and wait during the surgery you can. If you'd rather not, and just want to come later this evening that's fine too. I will call your Dad and see if you can stay with him."

"They can stay with me if they want." Owen offers.

She looked over to him with a grateful smile. "Or you can stay with Owen." She decided to not tell them about the thyroid issues. One disaster at a time.

Grace stood from the sofa. "I'd rather come later if that's alright." Alicia stood and gave her a hug.

"It's fine. I love you."

Zach stood and she embraced him as well. "I need you guys to keep this quiet okay?"

"Don't worry Mom, usual Florrick top secret protocol has been initiated!" Zach smiled. Then they both went back to their rooms.

"I've ruined them haven't I?" She sat on the sofa and closed her eyes.

"No. Alicia they are good kids. If they were going to go off the deep end they would have done it by now. And at least you're honest with them. Unlike some parent's we know! You're a good mom. You'll all get through this."

"I don't know Owen. I don't know if I will get through this one."

Will knocked on the door to Alicia's apartment awhile later. Owen answered. "Hey Will"

"Hey Owen"

"Come on in. Alicia's almost ready." Just then she walked out of her bedroom.

"Hey"

"Hi"

"Kids your mom's ready to leave." Zach and Grace emerged from the living room. They both gave Alicia a hug. "I love both of you very much. Don't have to much fun with Owen while I'm gone!"

"Oh we have a big party planned for tonight right here!" Owen teased.

Alicia rolled her eyes. "Well just make sure you clean up afterwards." she turned towards the door.

"Does that mean we can have a party?" Zach asked with a grin. She turned back towards him. "Sure invite anyone you want to come sit with you in the hospital with your recovering mother! It will be loads of fun!" Everyone laughed. Then Alicia and Will left.

They rode in silence for a awhile. She stared out the window. He kept turning towards her didn't say anything. Finally he spoke up.

"How did it go with the kids?

"Fine. They had a lot of questions about… us. But I think I cleared it all up."

Just then she grabbed onto his leg with one hand squeezing tightly grabbing her stomach with the other crying out in pain.

"Alicia what's wrong?" He grabbed her hand and kept looking from her to the road. The pain was slowly subsiding, and she was able to breathe again.

"It's a cramp." She took a few deep breaths and turned to him. He looked terrified. "It's okay. This happens a few times a day. I'll be fine in a minute."

"Should I pull over?" He was very concerned.

"No keep driving." He kept his hand on hers as she leant back in the seat and closed her eyes. He kept glancing at her as he continued to drive. A few minutes later she squeezed his hand and cried out again. The pain was worse this time.

"Alicia I'm pulling over."

"No we need to get to the hospital." She said in between holding her breath.

"We're almost there. Just… I don't know take deep breaths."

A few tears escaped from her eyes. "I'm trying. It hurts… a lot."

He squeezed her hand tighter. "I'm sorry" he said feeling completely inadequate to take care of her.

"I know" she said as a few more tears fell. She was glad he was there. And even gladder the kids weren't with them. A few minutes later they arrived. He hurried out of the car and went to help her out. "Put your arms around my neck."

"Will I can walk." But just then another pain hit. He reached in and pulled her out carrying her towards the entrance. The adrenalin had kicked in. "You can walk when we leave."

Seeing her current state the doctor and nurses rushed her into surgery immediately after they arrived. He was left standing at the entrance to the OR. He just stood there for a few minutes looking down the empty hallway. Then he looked around as though he were lost.

"Sir" a nurse said. "The surgery waiting area is just down the hall."

He nodded acknowledging her. "Thanks" He slowly made his way down the hall and found a quiet space to sit. He leaned over and placed his head in his hands. He felt empty. This loss was affecting him more than he'd expected. Three days ago becoming a father was the last thing on his mind. He hadn't even realized he wanted to be a father. But now that he'd experienced the idea he knew he did. A harsh reality at this point. He closed his eyes and tried to not think of anything for the next while.