Breathless

By Tyrael aka LiangFeng

Also Kooritenshi

Chapter Nine: Duvet

I am falling

I am fading

I am drowning

Help me to breathe

I am hurting, I have lost it all

I am losing

Help me to breathe

-- "Duvet", BOA

"What do you see?"

Quistis looked up to meet warm brown eyes that reflected only warmth in their gaze. She found herself melting into them as Rinoa's eyes held her for an instant, before freeing her to the winds once more.

With a sigh, the blonde looked up into the night. Bright twinkling specks of light dotted the mass plain of the sky. Each was brighter than the next, Quistis paused, entranced by their simple beauty. Something so…plain that could be so captivating.

"In the day," Rinoa began, turning Quistis' attention to her. "They are invisible to us." She waved a hand to the sky, as she too took a moment to admire the brilliance of the light the stars beheld. "When the sun, our Earth's source of light, is shining high…we cannot even catch a glimpse."

"But." At this, Rinoa stepped forward, so close to Quistis that they were mere centimeters away from each other. Quistis' breath caught in her throat, she dare not breathe at all. For she feared that if she blew even a single sigh, this moment would be carried away forever. "At night, in our darkest hour…" Rinoa's hands went up to gently cup Quistis' face. Her fingers traced patterns in Quistis' cheek, tickling the soft skin. Brushing away the blonde strands of hair that had strayed from Quistis' hair clip, she allowed herself an unobstructed view of Quistis' soul. "We see them for how they truly are…"

Never before, in her entire life, had Quistis ever felt to naked. So open. So free. So defenseless to what the other girl had in store. She was more than terrified. Rinoa knew what she wanted, she knew what she needed, she knew what Quistis desired.

Quistis tried to ease away, pull back from Rinoa's touch, but found that Rinoa's arms wrapped so lovingly around her neck also held her fast.

She sorceress smiled, and Quistis was relived to find that it was genuine.

"I know you love me." The younger girl said almost teasingly, as she traced the curve of Quistis' full lips with her fingers.

"You're a dream." Quistis said automatically.

"Am I?" Rinoa giggled. Indeed, only a figment of Quistis' lusts and heartaches. But this phantom was so very tangible.

Rinoa leaned forward and gave Quistis what she so desperately needed. Quistis closed her eyes to welcome the bliss. Lips so sweet, so soft…

She was barely conscious as her hands rose to the back of Rinoa's head, to draw her in further. She drank from the kiss like a starved man to water. She gave herself up to the tides of passion, surrendering herself to the elements. And for a second, she forgot the feelings of restraint she was burdened with, she forgot why she held herself back, she forgot why she never allowed herself to fall into love…she forgot…forgot……forgot…

Quistis eyes snapped open as if awakening from a nightmare. With a strangled sob, she shoved Rinoa from her, pushing the woman back as she tried to put as much distance between her and the sorceress.

Rinoa fell to the ground with cry of surprise, overbalanced by the sudden exertion of force. She gazed up into Quistis' blue eyes with confusion, and Quistis couldn't help but notice, also with hurt.

"I…I can't forget." Quistis offered lamely, as if this could help Rinoa understand.

"Forget what?"

Quistis could hear the question coming from miles away. She replied automatically, like she had done so many times before. Empty questions answered with empty replies. "Why I can never love you."

"But you do already." Rinoa said. Her words almost caused the blonde woman to flinch, as if being punched in the stomach.

"I know. I guess…I just needed someone to say it outloud."

Rinoa sighed, as if she was frustrated. But the feeling was thrown off by her playful smile. She waved off Quistis' questioning gaze and held out a hand, allowing Quistis to help her to her feet.

"You dwell too much in your thoughts. And being afraid of consequences, you're afraid of taking risks." Rinoa said as she brushed herself off. "You're bit like Squall."

Quistis didn't know whether to take this as an insult of a complement, considering that this was coming from Rinoa. Rinoa, who was so in love with Squall. But had to kill every single on of the man's doubts and fears to get to him.

"But at the same time, you're so very different from him. Instead of locking yourself, and shutting the world away, you do that exact opposite. You expose yourself to pain willingly, you throw yourself into the chaos and you surrender yourself to the world's mercy. You want yourself to live. You want yourself to feel happiness, sorrow, anger, loss, joy, confusion… Only so that you lose yourself. So you're preoccupied. So you don't have to sit in a dark room, by yourself, and think about what's missing. You don't want to be reminded of what you're missing. What you don't have."

Quistis swallowed the realization of Rinoa's words like it was water. Nothing more. But she could not ignore the eyes that bore into her soul. Eyes that stared at her with intense sadness, and Quistis was startled to find pity.

Pity? Do you feel sorry for me? Is that what I am given? Pity? When I try to be so strong? Is this what I get after picking myself off the floor so many times? After I survived so much, after I fought so hard, after I lost everything? Is that how people look to me with? Is that how you see me?

Quistis felt like collapsing. Her knees threatened to give out beneath her, only by locking them did she stay on her feet.

Rinoa was not ignorant to Quistis' thoughts. She stepped forward to touch Quistis' cheek tenderly, feeling the warm softness under her fingertips.

"No, I do not pity you. But yes, there are those that do." She paused to exhale a breath of mournfulness. "You are very strong. Stronger, even so than Squall, who unlike you, did shut himself up. Too weak to feel the caresses and ravages of living. Too weak to deal with life. He is strong, though not even close to what you have."

"But be wary. For your road is a long and dangerous one. You will need all the strength you possess. And if you do forget…look inside yourself rather than at yourself."

"But if you lose even that-"

"I'll look to you."

Rinoa allowed herself a genuine smile this time. "Even if I don't love you?"

"That reality hit me long ago. Those words don't hurt anymore."

Rinoa giggled. "I said if."

It was late morning when Quistis awoke, she found only the yellow orb of the sun greeting her through the window. The light casting shadows of the window blinds onto the carpet floor.

She tried to remember the dream she had the night before but found that the memory eluded her. Throwing the thought away, she excused it, thinking that it wasn't that important anyways.

She groped the side of the bed, half-expecting Xu to be there. But she was not surprised when she found herself alone in the room. She fell back against the pillow, allowing herself the luxury of taking in her surroundings.

The room was strikingly different from the bleak harsh tones the hospital room held. The bed was considerably softer, the furnishings more elegant. Quistis could make out the various oriental calligraphy paintings that decorated the walls. A desk sat in the corner, facing a wide window that spanned a wide courtyard. Save for the nightstand and the chair at the table, those were the only things in the room. They were sparse but charming.

It hit her that this must be Xu's room and she was in Xu's apartment. But the young woman was nowhere is sight. Quistis wondered idly where the SeeD could have possibly gone.

Her thoughts did not stray any further for at that moment, the door creaked open and in came a small girl bearing a small tray that held a cup and a teapot. Xiao-Feng was visibly surprised to see Quistis.

"Oh, you're awake!" The child exclaimed. She did not pause for Quistis to give her an answer before placing the tray carefully on the desk and bounding over to greet the stranger, eager to make a new friend. She stuck her hand out, introducing herself with the brightest smile on her face. "Xu Huo Feng. Aunty calls me Xiao-Feng. But you can just call me Jenny. Or Jen if you like!"

The blonde took the opportunity to size the child up. She was fairly young, about eleven or twelve years old. Shoulder-length black hair was pulled back into twin ponytails at the base of her neck. She wore drawstring cargo khasis with a hooded short sleeve T-shirt that said "Friends Don't Let Friends Be Cheerleaders". Her boots clomped as she moved about and Quistis couldn't help but notice that every so often, the girl would fiddle with the leather bracelet she wore on her left hand.

Quistis took the girl's hand in hers and winced as her hand was trapped in a grip that was too freakishly strong for a twelve-year-old, and pumped enthusiastically up and down. She paused and frowned, as she didn't know how to return that introduction with one of her own. But the girl didn't seem to mind as she ran back over to the door, stuck her head out into the hallways and screeched with a voice so high it almost made Quistis want to cut off her ears. "AUNTY XU! INSTRUCTOR TREPE IS AWAKE!" Then as if she hadn't blown every eardrum in a five-mile radius, she walked back over to the table and started to pour a cup of tea.

'Instructor Trepe? Is that me?' No doubt, this question confused the poor girl to no end. But she pushed it back into the far corners of her mind, reassuring herself that she would find out soon enough.

"It's ginseng tea!" Jen explained as she set the teapot back down and walked back over to the bed, where Quistis was and handed the cup of warm liquid to her. "It's good for you! Especially since you're still recovering."

"Oh. Thank you." Quistis took the cup from the girl's hands, taking a small sip after carefully inspecting the tea's contents.

It wasn't long before Xu stumbled into the room, still fixing her uniform hastily as she glanced around, trying her best to comprehend the situation. But as she noticed Quistis, her expression grew into a smile. "Morning, Quistis! I hope you're enjoying that tea. It should be good…"

"It is, thank you." Quistis smiled back, nodding her thanks.

"No more caffeine for you, Jen." Xu turned to her niece, reprimanding her lightly. "I swear, that is the first and last time I am EVER giving you coffee. What possessed me in the first place to allow you to drink it, I have no clue."

Jen blushed with embarrassment before nodding.

"And where is that brother of yours? I hope he didn't forget that you both have assessment tests today. If he doesn't hurry, you'll be late!" Xu exclaimed, rolling her eyes. Instructor Smith would have Jen's head if she were late. She knew the woman personally and hoped to Hyne that neither of them would cross her. "Well hurry up!"

Jen snapped herself into action as she dashed out of the room in search of her brother.

Xu shook her head dramatically. "I swear, she's like Selphie on crack." She muttered to herself before turning to Quistis. "Hey, Sunshine!" She greeted playfully as she threw herself on the bed, next to Quistis. "Ready to get up?" At Quistis' agreement, her smile broadened widely. "Great! Finish your tea, and I'll go get your clothes." Xu said as she rose from the bed.

Quistis noticed at that moment that she was still in the hospital gown she had been wearing the night before. And she also noticed the bandage on her wrists. She hadn't noticed before because it caused her almost no discomfort. But she wasn't stupid. Waking up in a hospital, the bandages on her wrists, the reluctance the doctor has shown when she asked who she was and if she had any friends…

Setting the cup of tea aside, onto the nightstand, Quistis raised her hand to touch the gauze wrappings on her left wrist. Did she do this?

As her fingers tried to pry the bandages open, she was overcome with memories of a different kind. A torrent of waves of images swept over her confused mind. Cold steel digging into her skin. Blood sliding down her arm, splashing to the floor. A girl gently cradling her body as she wept, tears splashing on her own blood-stained face, her voice calling to her desperately. Fading away into darkness…

A hand reached out and snatched Quistis' in a firm tight grip. Startled blue eyes looked up to gaze in a deep brown's.

"Do you remember?"

Quistis found that her voice had failed her. She tried to make a sound. Any sound. To cry out in fear. To scream in anger. Anything to break the silence she had trapped her soul in.

Xu looked down at the blonde girl, who was still staring intently at her hand, in disbelief. She was sure Quistis had figured out how she ended up in the hospital, the girl wasn't dense for Hyne's sake!

She stood awkwardly, holding the bundle of clothes she had retrieved from her own closet to let Quistis borrow. Regretfully, she could do nothing to reassure or even ease the woman's worries. Nothing but offer words. Mere words. But words were like raindrops falling upon the sea. So small, so insignificant, they meant nothing. But still…they were something.

"I…I know you have questions." Xu began, setting the bundle of garments aside before turning back to Quistis. "I know there are things you want to know. And to be honest, I don't have all of the answers. I can't give you what you need. There are questions you have to answer yourself." Quistis' head tilted up to meet her gaze, and Xu found it hard to return it. She found it hard to look straight into Quistis' eyes and tell her that she might be walking the path blindly, that she herself, didn't know where Quistis would end up.

But Quistis took all this in and understood the terms and accepted them readily. It was nothing but a mere obstruction in the road to normalcy. Obstructions could be easily side-stepped, or dug through. At the nod of Quistis' head, Xu managed to offer a small smile before taking the younger woman into her arms.

"If you don't remember anything else. Please remember this…" Xu whispered, almost pleading with Quistis. "Remember that you're always loved. Remember that you're not alone. Remember that we're standing right here beside you."

Quistis pulled back from Xu's embrace to gaze questioningly at the SeeD. "We?"

Xu offered another smile before squeezing the blonde's hand gently. "You'll see."

TBC

I think my fanfic is getting choppy. What do you think? O_O