Disclaimer: I make no claim to the series, ideas, or characters of Full Metal Panic.
Defining Normalcy
Chapter 10: To Gain by Effort
By Adam Lakewood
In all retrospect, it was something he could laugh at.
Or, at least something he could smile and quietly chuckle about. So, he did. He bent over slightly and leaned against the metal railing of his balcony, cooled by the night air. Tonight was oddly cold for some reason; not that it bothered him at all in the slightest. He always liked the cold. He really enjoyed a cool night after a hot day, especially in Tokyo.
Sousuke let out a short chuckle as he leaned his head over the balcony to take in the entirety of the night's coolness. Sure, he had planned on Jin and Kaname meeting at some point soon, but not at all under those circumstances. It just turned out that tonight was the night of all nights that Jin's water and electricity were off at her apartment.
Needless to say, Sousuke had had some explaining to do. But, in the end, everything worked out better than he had ever expected. So many things had just seemed to work out for the better for him over the past few days. Every dog has his day, and Sousuke seemed to have several. Or, at least that's how it seemed to him. He still couldn't believe the irony of what happened just a few hours ago. And, he knew Jin and Kaname would probably like each other, but he never knew they would become such good friends in such a short period of time.
Sousuke smiled in humor once more as a thought came to his mind. Paradoxes come in many forms. Just a few hours ago, he was sure Kaname could have killed Jin where she stood in the bathroom.
He turned his gaze back inside through the sliding glass door to see the two of them laughing. But, now they were getting along as if they had known each other for all their lives. The two of them were still telling their stories as they had been for the past hour. Most of them had been about him for some reason, which confused him. There were so many other things which were of much more interest to talk about, but every time he tried to bring up something new to talk about, one of them would be reminded about him in some way or the other. He could have joined in their conversations about him rather easily, but he never really liked to talk about himself that much.
He turned his head once more to the ever watchful sky above. He actually took a little bit of pride in being only eighteen years old and having been through more experiences than most of the dying elderly can make claims to. He knew that compared to most, he was very worldly. He didn't like to brag about it, but there wasn't much he didn't know at least a little bit about in this world. But, the sky was a constant reminder to him that there was still so much out there that he didn't know about. Out there in the sky was Infinity, a symbol to remind, if only him, that there is more out there than any one person can ever know or experience. It was also symbolic to him that a lot of the things that someone as worldly as he hadn't ever known or experienced were actually right in front of him, he just never took time to realize it.
Reality returned to him when he heard the sliding door behind him open. He quickly pivoted around to see Jin standing in the doorway.
"Hey, Sousuke, what are you doing?" she said with a laugh, obviously at lingering thoughts of humorous discussions she and Kaname had been having.
"Nothing; just getting some fresh air." he said with a smile. "It was getting a little bit too hot in there for me."
"You have got to be kidding!" she said, wringing her hands together. "My hands feel like they're about to freeze off!" she said with another laugh.
Jin slid the door on open and stepped outside. She recoiled back inside as soon as her barefoot touched the concrete of the balcony.
"Brrrr! You better come back in here before you get sick; it's pretty chilly out there."
Sousuke looked back to the sky one last time, smirked at his sudden contrary realization, turned around, and headed back inside. He smirked as he saw Jin run back over to the couch. She placed her hand on back of the couch and jumped over it onto the couch and pulled the blanket that was already on the couch over her and shivered.
"Brrrr!" she chattered as she pulled the blanket tightly around her.
Sousuke looked over to see Kaname sitting on the couch also. She laughed at Jin's actions and looked back at Sousuke. She likewise had a blanket covering her legs. Kaname turned around and smiled at him.
"I think you're freezing her, Sousuke." she said with a laugh. "It is a little bit cold."
Sousuke laughed along with the both of them as he walked over to the thermostat. He did realize it must have been somewhat cold being set sixty-one degrees in the apartment. He didn't expect Jin to be over though. Nor did he expect him and Kaname to be there as long as they were. He had made reservations at the restaurant, but the three of them seemed to be enjoying each others company so much he hated to disrupt. After all, he could always make reservations again. That was something that made him feel great; he knew he was going to be here tomorrow. He didn't have to be worried about being pulled away any day. He quietly laughed to himself once more.
"You should have turned the heat on if either of you were cold." he said as he turned on the heat. "I can't tell when it's cold."
He could thank China for that.
He listened for the hum of the heat to come on before he went over to the couch. He saw that Jin was occupying the right side of the couch and Kaname was occupying the left side. So, he quite efficiently squeezed himself in the middle. He needed a bigger couch; that was for certain. Kaname and Jin both shifted a little bit and moved closer to their sides of the couch. Kaname laughed slightly.
"I think you need more furniture, Sousuke."
"Yes, I am aware. I am in the process of getting more." he explained.
"I think it's alright. The more people bunched together, the more body heat!" Jin said as she rubbed her hands together. That got a laugh out of everybody.
"Jin, you just can't handle the cold; can you?" Sousuke asked with a laugh.
"And, you can't handle the heat, can you?" she retorted.
"Much better than you can stand being cold." he said with a smile.
Kaname looked over at Sousuke.
"You really don't get cold with it being so cool in here?" she asked.
"No, not really." he answered.
"Why? How? I know for a fact you didn't used to keep it this cold in your other apartment when you lived here."
Sousuke knew the answers to that; he just didn't want to answer. For once, he actually did a good job at beating back unwanted memories. He wasn't there anymore. He was with Kaname and Jin right now. He would never be going back to that place.
"Things change." he simply stated.
Kaname noticed the near unnoticeable change in him. It wasn't as much in his facial expression as it was in his eyes. His eyes were somewhat of a different expression. To anyone that didn't know those eyes, they would have never been able to tell a difference, but she could, and she didn't really like the expression in his eyes. His eyes seemed to have a story to tell. A rather horrible story. Kaname shivered in response.
"Sousuke, are you feeling alright?" Kaname asked him, concern slightly toned in her voice.
When he looked back over at her, the expression in his eyes was gone. He now had that same carefree look she had now gotten used to. That was a very welcome expression. It was much better than the cold, emotionless eyes of the Sousuke she knew before. Sousuke was right, things do change.
"Yes, of course. I couldn't be better. Why do you ask?"
"I was just thinking you seemed to be acting kind of funny. Plus, you were outside for a long time just staring at the sky; I was starting to think something was wrong."
"No. I'm fine. I just had to go get some fresh air. I think I ate too much food, which by the way, was very good Jin; thank you." he said as he turned his look toward Jin and nodded his head in thanks.
"You're quite welcome, Sousuke. I'm glad you guys enjoyed it." she said with a smile.
Sousuke reached out toward his table and took his television remote in his hand. Jin looked at him with a smirk.
"There you go! I was wondering how you were going to romance her tonight. Yeah, find a good martial arts movie. You can't go wrong with that!" Jin said with a sly smile and sarcasm evident in her voice as she nudged him in the ribs.
That remark cause Kaname to blush a little as she let out a nervous laugh, and Sousuke turned so red he looked like he was going to pop. Sousuke glared daggers at her. Jin gulped. The last thing she saw was two outstretched hands reaching out for her before she found herself victim to Sousuke's infamous Pythagorean Headlock. Kaname laughed at the scene playing out before her. Jin had told her earlier about how Sousuke was like a big brother to her. She could understand why; they acted much like siblings would.
"I am astonished by your talent for saying the worst things at exactly the worst times." he said as he balled his free hand into a fist and gave her a noogie.
Kaname couldn't help but laugh even harder when Jin started kicking her legs around in the air in a vain attempt to get free.
Finally, Sousuke released his grip and let her up. He leaned back against the couch with a laugh.
"Owwww! If I go bald, it's your fault!" she said rubbing her head and flattening out her hair which was now sticking out in every direction.
That caused Kaname and Sousuke to laugh even harder than before. Sousuke finally looked back over at Jin as he seized the remote control from the floor.
"I wasn't going to turn on a martial arts movie, thank you very much. I was going to catch the weather and see where this sudden cold front is coming from. It's strangely cold for it to be in the middle of May." he said as he turned on the television.
"Wow! That's a first!" Jin said as she stuck out her tongue.
Kaname laughed at that.
"... unacknowledged threats. With the prime minister missing and the rest of the group of..."
"So, you mean he actually watches martial arts movies on t.v. too?"
"... an unknown weapon which was being developed."
"Yeah, he watches them almost all the time he is actually here. Just last week, they had a forty-eight hour martial arts movie marathon; I don't recall him ever sleeping those two days."
"... are still unsure as to the mysterious group who stopped them almost two years..."
"I wouldn't doubt it! Can you believe that today when I asked him what movie he would have liked to see, his first decision would have been some strange, dubbed, Chinese martial arts movie?!"
"... United States wish to develop a new way in which to..."
"Yeah, I can believe it! He's a fanatic when it comes to those things. Oddly enough, he doesn't seem to enjoy war movies that much. I would think that as much of a militaristic..."
Jin stopped mid-sentence as she picked up on the news report that happened to be on the first channel Sousuke chose to watch. Jin turned around to see what it was he was watching.
"Now, there is a new leader of the group, who is promising a new rise of the Old Republic of China. One such occurrence happened almost two years ago, but the Old Republic seemed to be wiped out by some unknown military force."
Kaname stared at Jin oddly when she saw her face turn pale. She looked absolutely horrified by what she saw. Kaname looked at the television screen and listened in. She remembered hearing about the ordeal in China just shortly after Sousuke left, but it never recalled it turning into anything more than threats.
"Sousuke?" said Jin as she turned a worried look to Sousuke.
Kaname actually felt kind of worried when she did not hear an immediate response from Sousuke. She looked from Jin's worried face to Sousuke. The first thing she noticed about Sousuke was that he was no longer smiling. He now had the same cold, emotionless, expressionless face she remembered so well from the old Sousuke. But, now the expression was unwelcome since it definitely was not something that belonged to the new Sousuke. Then, she noticed his eyes.
His eyes looked the same as they had just a moment ago. The all-knowing eyes that looked as if they had seen everything.
"Sousuke?" said Kaname, now also worried.
She did not like the look in his eyes as he stared unblinking at the television screen. Those eyes definitely had a story to tell. She could tell that those eyes had witnessed some unspeakable things. Somehow, she could tell that those eyes weren't seeing what was on the television; they were seeing something completely different.
Sousuke screamed again as the large chunk of brown metal came down again, this time breaking his right leg. The Chinese man with the tan Republic hat smiled sadistically once again when he heard the scream. His torturer really did love his job. And, to make matters worse, he was very good at it.
Now, almost every bone he could think of in the right side of his body was broken. His hands and feet had holes in them due to rusty railroad spikes, he couldn't stand to open his eyes due to all of the chemicals, his hair still stood on end because of all of the electricity, his fingernails and toenails were half-way ripped off as a result of the bamboo that had been shoved under them, and he couldn't even stand to feel the air on the raw skin of his back from the hundreds of lashings. He had no doubt his torturer would now start breaking bones in the left side of his body. He had lost exact count of the days this had been going on. But, he knew it had been somewhere around a month. However, Hell would freeze over and thaw again before they would get them to talk.
"So, are you ready to tell us who you are?"
Sousuke managed to form his painfully gritted teeth into a disgruntled grin.
"You... blew your chance. A... all you had to do was..." he managed to lowly hiss out from his teeth.
That obviously sparked his torturer's interest, as it should have. Sousuke hadn't said a single word to them during his entire unintended stay. His torturer quickly came over to him and kneeled down beside him, not wanting to miss a word he said. He had been working vigorously to get this stubborn boy to talk; he had never had such a hard time with anyone before. Certainly the boy couldn't bare any longer! Certainly he was going to give simple the simple instructions to finding out his identity! So, all they had to do was to simply...
"... ask nicely." Sousuke spilled as he let out a pained snicker of amusement.
That would certainly piss them off.
Crack. That was a broken jawbone.
Thud. That one hit his already broken nose.
Splat. There went a couple of teeth and maybe even his lower lip.
The wooden baton struck his already swollen and mushy face unmercifully. It was worth it though just to see his torturer almost loose his mind. Besides, it wasn't worse than anything else that had been done to him before.
"Stop it; you'll kill him!" commanded another Chinese voice that Sousuke couldn't see who it belonged to; blood splattered in his eyes and he couldn't see.
Another swing of the baton connected with his face again.
"He isn't going to talk anyway!" shouted the voice of his torturer.
That made his teeth dig into his upper lip.
"I command you to stop! That obviously won't work!" yelled the other voice.
Surprisingly there was no other hit. There was no sound of any more breaking bones, only a frustrated sigh from his torturer.
"You're going to regret not talking, now. Ready the Burning Cold." his torturer commanded.
Then, a sudden darkness came along with a burning sensation all throughout his body which was unlike any other pain he had ever felt before.
He let out a choked scream as he tried in vain to stand and run away.
Kaname and Jin both shrieked as soon as when Sousuke let out a yell and jumped like he had been stabbed when Jin turned off the television.
He looked around for a moment like a wild animal as if he didn't have the slightest clue as to where he was. He finally settled down and leaned back with a sigh. He scratched his head and let out what seemed to be a nervous laugh.
"I... I'm sorry about that." he said, looking embarrassed.
Kaname looked at him, still rather concerned about him.
"Are you alright, Sousuke?" she asked as she wrapped her arm around him.
"Yeah, I'm fine." he said as he leaned forward and turned on the television once again.
They were still talking about the new rise of the Old Republic of China. Kaname looked up at Sousuke to see that all of his attention was asserted to the television. She looked around, surprised as she felt his arm wrap around her and hugged her tightly to his side as if she would be gone if he were to let go. She enjoyed his embrace, but this worried her somewhat. It wasn't the same as she felt when they were at the movies; it felt as if he were holding on to her to protect her from something.
Jin sat down on the couch on the other side of Sousuke, still watching the television. She looked at him, an expression of mixed feelings of sorrow, anger, and worry on her face. She took his hand and squeezed it tightly which he returned to her. Realizing she had his attention, she decided to speak.
"Sousuke, you'll never be going back over there. Don't worry about it. It's not your problem anymore. It's someone else's concern, now." she said rather sternly, as if stating an unrealized truth.
She wrapped her arm around his and leaned against his shoulder.
"You're staying here in Tokyo. With me and Kaname." she said more quietly and softly.
A few quiet moments passed before Sousuke responded.
"I know." he said in almost a whisper.
He cleared his throat as he let go of Kaname and pulled his arm away from Jin.
"I'll be back in a moment."
And, without another word he got up from the couch and quickly walked out onto the balcony. Kaname got up from the couch and started to head after him until she felt a tug at her shirt. She turned around to see Jin holding onto her shirt.
"He'll be back in just a couple of minutes. He has to go think for a moment." she said as she returned back to her original position on the couch.
"Is he alright, Jin?" Kaname asked, still concerned as she hesitantly sat back down on the couch.
She looked behind her and out the sliding glass door to see Sousuke sitting down facing the door with his back leaned up against the railing of the balcony looking up at the sky. She looked back over at Jin for a response. Jin slowly turned around to look out at him herself. She propped her arm on the back of the couch and rested her chin on it.
"Yeah. As alright as he'll ever be, I suppose." she said with a hint of sorrow in her voice.
Kaname looked over at her questioningly. Jin took one look at Kaname and knew the question.
"To understate it greatly, he had a rough time in China a while back."
"When was this?"
"As soon as I was called back from Tokyo," answered Sousuke.
Kaname and Jin both jumped in surprise when they heard his voice behind them. They hadn't even heard him come in, and now they were both looking like a couple of kids being caught with their hands in the cookie jar.
"But, that's behind me now. No need for it to be discussed anymore." he stated a little bit too simply for anyone's liking.
He walked back around the couch and Kaname and Jin quickly parted from the middle of the couch as if it were on fire, quickly moving from his original sitting spot a little bit more enthusiastically than was called for. Almost giving the impression that he would suddenly been stricken ill if he were not to be able to return to his original spot on the couch. Or, as if he would have beat them from it like a couple of disobedient dogs.
Kaname and Jin both cringed slightly at their sudden, uncalled for actions. They briefly made contact with each other, making it clear that the other was aware of their mistake. Neither hoped Sousuke would notice.
Unfortunately, he did.
His newly characteristic light smile dropped when he took note of their actions. He looked back and forth a few times between the two hoping to find some sort of explanation. For some odd reason, out of all the things that came to mind as to what provoked their actions, the options that either they were just reacting strangely or the fact that they might be worried about him and quick to offer him a place to sit didn't seem to be among that group of options.
After all, when he was... remembering, he had found out a few times before that he had said some things to Jin that he never would have said. Sometimes he didn't even recall ever saying them. Perhaps, this was one of those times.
"I... think I'll stand." he said in a low tone of voice.
Jin looked down at the ground with a frown when he said that. She really felt horrible now. She didn't mean for it to seem as if she was talking to Kaname behind Sousuke's back, she just thought he would have felt awkward if she were to tell Kaname about his... rough times while he was sitting there. It didn't even occur to her that he was going to tell her himself... when he felt he should.
Kaname didn't feel any better about the situation than Jin. She hadn't known how much she had really cared about Sousuke before until he was taken away from her. Now that he was back, she felt for him even more. From his perspective, it must not have seemed like it very much with her secretly trying to find out things about him from someone other than him.
Sousuke looked back at the two a moment later. He saw that they seemed to be horrible saddened by his taking offense. Maybe they hadn't meant any offense after all. He had learned during Jin, Kalinin, and Reggie's normalcy training that sometimes girls do or say things that guys may not understand. So, maybe what he found to be offensive they meant no real offense by. Kaname might have just been worried about his actions. He had to admit. That probably did seem kind of strange to her. It was strange to him. And, Jin was probably worried too. It didn't really make much sense for him to be offended by those who cared about him. Besides, he didn't have many.
"Perhaps I will sit down." he said as he walked over to the couch and waited for them to make room for him.
After all, his knee was starting to bother him a bit. That was one of his injuries which didn't quite heal up.
Kaname and Jin both seemed to be lightened up by his meager change of mind. But, he was glad. They were the last two people he would ever want to make sad. They both quickly got out of his way for him to sit down, but this time it just seemed to be out of eagerness. He had felt so many irrational feelings the past few days, and this was one of them. But, oddly enough, it was a good feeling. It was the feeling he had when he would stop thinking about the past and would pay more mind to the present. He hated the past, but he couldn't appreciate the present any more than he already did. Besides, the present is what really matters.
Sousuke sat down with a slightly painful groan as his knee sent a mild pain through his leg. He leaned back with a relieved sigh and propped his leg carefully up on the table in front of him.
"Is your knee bothering you again?" asked Jin.
"No, it's alright; thanks." he replied.
"Do you want me to get you some ice?" asked Kaname.
"No, I'm fine; thank you." he replied again with a smile.
He had always said that he never wanted to be a burden to anyone. That's why he would never let anyone know when he was ill or hurt. He didn't want to concern. But, contradictory enough, now that he was out of the field, it made him feel good that there were people concerned about him.
Sousuke reached out the television remote and changed the channel. Jin was right. It was no longer his concern. Screw China. Let someone else worry about it.
He looked over when he felt Kaname wrap her arm around his and rest her head on his shoulder. He smiled as he leaned over and gave her a light peck on the forehead. She smiled in response and hugged his arm tighter. He heard a light sound which sounded almost like a chuckle from his other side. He looked over at Jin, who he immediately assumed was the source of the sound. She just looked back at him with a tender, genial, smile. He smiled again in response.
He was doing that a lot lately. But, that was alright. He actually enjoyed it.
"Sousuke, I know you went through some tough times when you were in China. If you want to talk to either me or Kaname about it, we will be more than happy to hear you out."
He hadn't talked to any of them in the past several. Now, he had a ton of angry Chinese soldiers standing around him screaming at him, each in a different language trying to find a language he would understand. He actually understood all of the languages, he just wasn't about to let any of his capturers know that. It was rather nerve wracking, though, and his broken arm was adding on the grating of his nerves.
"I appreciate it. But, it's really nothing either of you need to hear about. I don't really want to have to recall any of it if I don't have to." he responded.
Kaname moved her head on his shoulder to look up at him.
"It won't bother me, Sousuke. I would be more than happy if I could help you in any way."
The hot poker was stabbed into his ribs for now the seventh time. He screamed out again as his skin was torn and a rib was broken when his torturer ripped it out of him due to it getting wedged.
"If anything would actually help me more, it would be if I didn't have to recall those memories anymore than I had to." he said with a bit of a nervous laugh in hopes that he didn't sound offensive. "Besides, it's the present that matters and not the..."
"Sousuke, I know for a fact it helps to talk about problems or bad memories. I've talked to you about several about my bad memories and it helped me out tremendously." Jin interrupted.
That time the large, rusty nail was driven through his right foot and into the floor.
Sousuke cringed slightly when he could have sworn he felt the tip of the spike against his foot again. He looked over at Jin with somewhat of a wild look in his eye.
"Well, I'm can promise you that you're memories are nothing like mine. Now, can we please not mention anything more about this." he said a little bit more loudly and fiercely than he meant to.
But, to him, it was more of a plead than a demand.
"Sousuke, don't get upset." Kaname said as she caressed the side of his face. "We are just concerned for you. I'm sure I can relate more to you than you think; after all we have both lost one we cared greatly about." she said in reference to Sousuke's parents and her own mother.
Sousuke wailed out, tears running down his blood covered cheeks when he saw the burnt, crisp remains of the Sudanese child holding desperately on to the blackened dogtags Sousuke had given him for his birthday.
"Damn it!" he yelled as he suddenly stood up very quickly and jerked his arm away from Kaname.
He quickly ran to the door not being able to clear the images out of his head. He held on to the doorknob as he brought his other hand up to his painfully throbbing head.
"Shit!" he said in English.
He then started spouting out things in a language that neither Jin nor Kaname understood.
Sousuke violently pulled open the door and made his way down the stairs in a great haste.
Kaname and Jin, realizing that neither had a chance of catching him, ran over to his balcony to peer down over where he would be coming out at the bottom.
"Sousuke!" called Jin as she saw him come running out into the street and down the street as fast as he could.
A car almost hit him as it came around the corner. The car came to a screeching stop as Sousuke ran up, over, and down it as if it were nothing. When his feet came in contact with the ground he took off through a grassy area which led out of sight.
Kaname and Jin both gave each other a solid look and a nod as they quickly made their way back inside and out the front door, neither bothering to stop to put on shoes, coat, or even to close the door.
Kaname had never seen Sousuke act like that before, and frankly, she was frightened. Moreover, she was really worried about Sousuke. She caught a quick glimpse of his face when he paused at the door. He had that look in his eyes again. The eyes that had seen something unspeakable. But, his running away bothered her even more. She knew Sousuke enough to know that he wouldn't do anything outrageous, but that wasn't what bothered her about his sudden decision to take a midnight run. The way he was running full force and the look in his eyes said something that perhaps only she had caught.
He was running away from something.
TO BE CONTINUED