Chapter 9: New beginnings
When I wake up in the morning, I feel tired even though I didn't have any nightmares. I try to figure out what woke me up. And then I feel it again. A tender hand, stroking my hair and brushing it behind my ear.
„Thank you, sweetheart" he whispers and I hear a happy smile on his face. I hesitate what should I do. Pretend I'm sleeping or open my eyes? I definitely decide for pretending sleep, when his lips touch my cheek from behind. My heart starts beating fast as I feel his breath so close to my face.
„You're so amazing" he whispers again „and so cute in that shirt" he adds and he half-laughs softly. I still think he's whispering more for himself than for me. And then...
„I think I fell in love with you again." he whispers so close to my ear, that his lips touch my earlobe and ghoose bumps erupt all over my arms and chest. I have never put so much effort to control my face and try not to move any muscle in it. But in my head I'm freaking out.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.
When I count to ten six times, which should make a minute, I move slightly, turn around and then slowly open my eyes to pretend that I just woke up. The only thing I can see are blue eyes, full of happiness partly hidden in blond hair. And a smile. Wide, happy and loving smile. Oh my, what will I do now?!
"Good morning sweetheart." he says in such a tender and soft voice, that it makes me anxious. Could it be truth? Could he love me again? I almost don't want to believe that.
"Hey." I say nervously and pull away a little. I sit up and lean my back against the headboard, pulling Peeta's shirt over my knees and then hugging them tightly. I try to remember why am I feeling so tired. Then I see the memories in my head.
Peeta had few nightmares during the night. Always thrashing and mumbling until I woke him up and then I had to sooth him. Most of them were about his dad running from bombing. I know how such a nightmare feels. I saw my dad dying so many times in mine. But now he looks almost happy. Like he doesn't remember them. Like if they didn't have any power over him. Like just looking at me is more important than seeing his father die.
"How are you feeling?" I ask him quietly and finally stretch my legs in front of me.
"Happy." he says quietly stroking my left bare foot tenderly. "I remembered so many things about you through the last months. Many things from the victory tour nights." he says absentmindedly and keeps stroking my foot and calf. "I remember, that even though you're sleeping calmly, you're dangerous, because you kick and thrash in your sleep. Sometimes you ended up with your head in the legs of the bed." he says and looks up at me.
"I remember that you have a bad habit of wearing socks into bed and then you lose them during the night. We were always looking for them in the mornings and sometimes we found them under my pillow." he says and laughs a little "I can't understand what you can do in your sleep that they end up in there." he says and strokes my bare foot with his fingers. Only now I see, that my left foot is missing a sock while the right one is still there. How typical.
"I remember that you like cheese buns most and you favorite flowers are Dandelions. Your favorite color is green. And you love hot chocolate. And strawberry lollipops." he adds and gives me a sweet smile.
"You used to let me brush your hair and braid it. You liked watching me while drawing and you always liked running your fingers through my hair." he says and sits up cross-legged next to me.
"And since the first night we slept together, you insisted to take care about my artificial leg. You always put it down and applied the lotion on my stump." he finishes and looks me in the eyes. I'm overwhelmed by these memories coming back to me. By the memories of those sweet nights we spent together in the trains. Even though it was a terrible time in my life, Peeta was making me feel at least a little happy during the nights. I look at him now.
„I'm glad you remember it all." I smile at him. I really am glad that he's able to remember it all.
„Thanks to you." he says softly and he looks at me a little shyly now. „Being around you helps so much." I don't say anything to that.
„Katniss?" he says quietly and I look up into his eyes, which are looking expectantly now.
„Yes?" I ask.
„I need to know something." he says and I see his anxiety over his question. „I remember all of this, but there's one thing about those nights I'm not sure about." he says.
„What is it?" I ask, my stomach tying in knots nervously.
„Snow made me believe, that it was more than just sleeping next to each other. He made me believe, that we were really lovers." he says and in the end he finally dares to look up at me. The last world resonates in my head. Lovers. „Was that real or not real?" he asks, when I remain silent. I look down and have to take a few breathes before I'm able to answer. I play with my own fingers to release my anxiety.
"There was nothing like that between us." I say quietly. "You would never force me into it." I add and look up at him. His eyes linger on my words hungrily.
"You were just helping me through the nightmares. You were always there to wake me, but we never did anything..." I don't know how to call it so I hesitate. "...anything improper." I say finally my voice shaking a little in the end.
"You only hugged me tight, sometimes you gave me a little kiss to calm me down, but most of our star-crossed lovers relationship was for the cameras. Most of the kisses and everything was for cameras." I say. He stays silent so I look up at him. He seems that he thinks about it hardly, but then a slight smile appears on his face.
"I thought it was not real." he says.
"Why?" I ask.
"Because if something like that would be between us, I think it would be so beautiful and so strong, that I would not be able to forget it entirely." he says in a sincere voice.
And I know he's telling me truth and it makes me blush immediately. Because I can see, that he would love to do those things with me. I can see that he's still the same in this. I look down to hide my blush, but I'm sure he noticed it, because he shifts closer to me and he rests his hand on my cheek tenderly which makes me look up at him. His face is again too close to mine, his eyes looking at me seriously now.
"Katniss I know, that my questions are freaking you out sometimes." he says softly "You're trying to hide it, but I can see it in your eyes. But even though you answer them patiently." he says and I feel my heart beat fast when his face is so close again. "Thanks for being so brave." he says and his lips touch my cheek softly as a reward for my bravery. It makes me feel unexpectedly warm and I close my eyes to compose myself again. Why he keeps doing this? Why he comes so close, when it seems that he wants to kiss me and then he just gives me a small kiss, even though I know he would love to kiss me on my lips. Why he keeps doing this?! And why I allow it?!
"We should get up." he smiles at me as I open my eyes again.
"And I should get changed into some normal clothes." I mumble under my breath as I get up from bed. He turns to look at me.
"I think you look cute." he says with the sweetest smile, which only he can give me. And that makes me blush again.
I just shake my head and lock in his bathroom while I change into my yesterday clothes. I run to my house, where I take a shower and change into some fresh clothes. Then I go back to Peeta's house to have breakfast with him. When we finish the dishes, he says that he's going to watch how they take down the town center. I can't let him go alone of course. I take two of his sketchbooks. One for him to draw and the second one for me to write.
Since they won't let us go too close to the center, we just walk down half of the hill where the Victor's Village is. We spread a blanket on the grass and sit in there, having a nice view all over the town. At first we silently watch how the big heavy machines arrive and how they start taking down buildings. They start with the old justice building and continue with all the buildings around which are damaged. Peeta draws the old outline of the town, adding an orange light from a sunset.
"Peeta?" I ask quietly.
"Yes?" he looks up from his drawing.
"What is that baker's token, that your father left you?" I ask and hope it will not upset him. He reaches under his shirt and he takes it down from his neck. He hands it to me. I look at it closely while he explains it to me.
"It's a sign of head baker in the bakery. Usually there were two of us during a shift. One in the kitchen and one selling to customers. One of us had this, which was a sign of leader. Leader of the shift. Usually Dad or Mother had it. But when they were free from the shift, they left it to one of us. I remember, how proud I was, when Dad gave it to me for the first time." he says and I can see the faraway look in his eyes as he remembers the day.
"One day, I had a shift with Rye and Dad gave it to us and said we decide who will be the leader, because we are both good bakers. Well it naturally led into a fight and we tore the string in the end. Immediately it changed into 'Okay, you can have it' argue, where we tried to make the other to keep it." Peeta laughs a little and I smile over the image in my head.
"Finally I run to buy a new string, while Rye stayed in the bakery. I had to go to the Hob, to a man, who was selling leather things and luckily he had almost the same string. Eventually we agreed that I will have the token for the first half of the shift and then Rye will have it. When we handled it back to Dad, he luckily didn't recognize any change." Peeta finishes and goes back to his drawing. For a while, we're silent and I think about his brothers and parents. About how I'm sad, that I don't know them better.
"Tell me about them." I say quietly.
"Whom?" he looks up at me.
"Your family." I say quietly and I lean my back against a tree.
"Who do you want to hear about first?" he asks.
"You choose." I smile at him.
"Okay, first my Mother." he says and sighs. "What would you like to write about?" he asks.
"I don't know, everything you would like to keep in the memories." I smile at him. I'm not sure that his Mother has done many things he would like to remember.
"Well I'll start with a little description of the person." Peeta says, he puts his sketchbook down and he lies down so his head is next to me. I look down at him and see his melancholic expression.
"My Mother..." he says and closes his eyes. "She was always a strict one. She always knew how to put all her three sons in line. She was not very kind type of person, the only people she treated nicely were customers. She was professional in making false smiles at them. But even though she had her good qualities too. She could knead most loafs of bread from one dose of dough. More than any of us. She was always best in keeping the accountancy. And she thought us all to keep everything in the kitchen perfectly clean. The only time we had nice days with her was our birthday. We were spared from any beating or cursing, we didn't have to work, we got a present and we had a good dinner. And something sweet from the bakery." he says and opens his eyes again.
"What's your favorite memory about her?" I ask and wonder if there is some happy memory about her. Peeta thinks about it for a while.
"Probably when a first cake frosted by me was sold." he says and a little smile plays on his lips. "I was almost ten and it was the first time, I felt that she appreciated my work and that she was even proud of me. That day, she gave me the baker's token for the rest of the shift, which was the highest sign of appreciation from her. Only Bannock had the privilege to get the token from her twice." he says quietly. "Since that time, it was my privilege to frost cakes with my Dad, because Rye and Bannock were not as artistic as I was. It was the first time I knew, that she's thankful for my work. Even though she never said that. You know because the cakes were so expensive, so each one which was sold meant a lot of money." he finishes.
"Anything else to add?" I ask.
"Not now. I'll tell you if I remember something to add." he says. So I leave the rest of the page blank and turn to a new one.
"Who's next?" I ask.
"Let's do my eldest brother, Bannock." he says and I write his name on the top of the page.
"My eldest brother. He was 20 when he died. What could I tell you about him? From the three of us, he was the only one, who was like our Mother. He didn't show his feelings much and he was very calculating person. Same as my Mother, he didn't like people very much and he was my Mother's favorite. His favorite work in the bakery was making rolls. He could do them so well, that they were all looking almost the same. Same length, same width and same shape. That's what our mother liked about him so much. He wasn't a very talkative person and he didn't like to sell goods in the bakery. I always happily obliged when he wanted to bake in exchange for me selling. He liked reading a lot. He was a hard studying type of person. Teacher's pet actually. And my mother's pet too." he says and I keep my pencil moving through the page. He sits up next to me now and he watches as I finish his last sentence. I turn the sketchbook to a fresh page.
"Rye now?" I ask and look at him.
"Rye." he sighs and I see the sad expression on his face. I think he was much closer to him than Bannock.
"Rye was 18 when he died. We were very close." he says and confirms my though. "Because Bannock was always so serious, he didn't want to play with Rye, so Rye spent his time with me mostly. He was a true older brother. He was the one, who thought me wrestling. When we were free from the bakery, we were practicing wrestling in our backyard. He taught me everything that older brother should. He showed me how to set pranks for Bannock or other people. He taught me, how to sneak cupcakes from the bakery. But when he got older, he started to be distracted by girls." he chuckles a little and I can't help than smile too. I met Ray in the bakery few times and it was enough for me to get a general idea about what is he like. To be honest our first meeting was quiet enough for me to see his character.
It was one day short before they announced the Quell. One of the weekend afternoons, I met Peeta, who was heading to town and I decided to accompany him. When we got into the bakery, Peeta's Dad and Rye had the afternoon shift. When we came there, we had a little talk with Peeta's Dad. He was really kind, he has asked how are we doing and he gave both of us a muffin. We kept talking for a while and then Rye came out from the bakery kitchen.
"Hey! Look who pays us a visit!" he said cheerfully. "My famous little brother!" he exclaimed and gave Peeta a little shove into his shoulder. Then he finally noticed me.
"You brought you're little girl." he sais enthusiastically and eyed me with a provoking smile. "Well welcome to our family, kitty." he said and gave me such a tight hug that it blew all air out of me and I thought he will crack my ribs. I sent a desperate look at Peeta and he just gave me one sorry look. When Rye finally released me, somehow he conjured up a cupcake and presented it to me.
"Leave her alone Rye." Peeta said and stand next to me.
"I had to welcome my future sister in law." Ray said and gave me a shiny smile. I remember that even though he resembled to Peeta very much in his features and hair, he had brown eyes. Like chocolate. Just like Peeta's Dad. It was something unusual in 12 and maybe that was the reason why he was so popular between girls.
"Well it was nice to see you Peeta." he said and gave his brother a nod. Then he turned towards me with a dazzling smile. "And nice to see you Kitty." he said giving me a wink and planting a kiss on my hand like true gentleman. I remember, that I couldn't help than give him a small giggle amused by Peeta's annoyance with his brother. Typical sibling's love.
"I'm sorry." Peeta said then.
"It's okay." I said "I guess I should get used to your affectionate brother."
That's how I remember Rye. I met him a few times later too, but this meeting made the biggest impression on me.
I come back from my memory to reality only to catch Peeta's next words about him.
"He was always acting like my protective older brother. He always helped me, when I needed it, he was always there when my mother hit me and I cried or something. As I already said he was kind of skirt chaser. That's why he liked to do cupcakes and little cakes most. He usually made more than he was supposed and he sneaked some cupcakes out of the bakery. Then he would give them to girls with a wink and they were always falling at his feet. He taught me, how to impress girls and how to charm them so they would fall in love with me." Peeta smiles a little. "The problem was that it didn't work, when I was not able to talk to you. Even though I doubt those things would work on you much. You were always so different from the other girls." he says and gives me a smile.
"It was always so annoying, when we had a shift together and he kept telling me about his girls. I hated to listen to his love stories about kissing and even much more intimate things with girls. I hated it but he wouldn't stop. I don't remember a month, when he would date just one girl. But I think that if he would find the right one, he would be faithful with her." he says with a hope in his eyes and smile on his face.
"He was good-hearted and always cheerful. He actually liked singing and making poems, but I guess he liked it because it's something girls like." he says finally.
"I miss him." Peeta says sadly.
"I think it's all about him for now." he adds after a silent while.
The justice building is down already and they are clearing the rubble away. They start to work on the other buildings too, but they haven't reached the bakery yet. And we move to Peeta's Dad.
"I told you a lot about my Dad already, but let's revise it. He was always the kindest person I have ever seen." he says.
"Have you ever looked into a mirror?" I ask amused and he gives me one sincere smile before he continues.
"I have always felt that I'm his favorite. He liked making cookies best and he always sneaked me one. He was always there when I was sad or upset. He always cheered me up. He was special between the town people, because he had brown eyes, which were very unusual here in 12. As I already told you, he loved your mum, when he was young, but he gave her up, when he saw how much she loves your dad." he says.
"Like father, like son." I mumble quietly before I can stop my words. He looks at me a little puzzled.
"What?" he asks
"After the victory tour, when we went home, you told me, that you don't want me to be unhappy with you and that if I want to choose Gale over you I should." I say quietly and look up at him.
"Oh but I did not lost you though." he smiles at me. I smiles back at him.
"I still don't know how you could have loved me so much." I say my thought out loud. He gives me a sweet smile for that.
"Then he married my mother and they continued in our bakery. He always liked to sell goods to customers, because he liked contact with other people. He liked to sneak goods for free to his favorite customers. He always knew the right thing to say to people so it would calm them or persuade them about something."
"Another thing you inherited from him." I comment while writing. He chuckles a little.
"He was the only one in our family who had enough courage to stand up to our mother. When she beat one of us much, he was always angry with her. We were so close, because we used to decorate cakes and cookies together. He was drawing nicely too." Peeta finishes.
"I think it's all for now." Peeta says.
"And he was always a fair trader too." I say quietly and my voice cracks in the end. All of these stories and talking about his family makes me feel sad and two tears go down my face.
"What's wrong?" Peeta says in a soft voice noticing my tears.
"I'm sorry." I say in a shaking voice. "I'm just so sorry, that I will never meet them again. That I will never get to know them better. Because I would like to." I say quietly and I can't stop a quiet sob coming out from my lips. Peeta sits behind me with his back against the tree, he hugs me from behind and I lean my back against his chest and close my eyes.
"It'll be okay." he says "I'm sorry you couldn't spend more time with them. I'm sure they would love you." he smiles at me encouragingly. "My Dad did already like you. And I'm sure Rye did too. Only the most beautiful girls were called 'Kitty' by him." he smiles at me and it makes me giggle quietly.
I sigh quietly and remain in his embrace, while we watch how they started to take down the bakery. It's quite quick since there was only the side walls left. Then they start clearing the rubble. As the place start to look more and more clear, Peeta tightens his hug and I can feel his anxiety. I place my hands over his and stroke them softly.
"And it's gone." Peeta says quietly as the last rubble of the bakery is cleared. "My childhood is gone." he adds. The place seems empty now. The entire square does. But in a week, they will start to lay the foundations of the new buildings. There will be new justice building and new shops all around the square.
"I think your childhood was already gone when Effie pulled out your name two years ago." I say quietly.
"True." he says and tightens his hug. I close my eyes and sight. It's sad, but it's not as bad as yesterday.
"Let's go home." Peeta says quietly. We stand up and go back home.