Let me wrap myself around you
Let you show me how I see
And when you come back in from nowhere
Do you ever think of me?
Your heart is not able
Let me show you how much I care
I need those eyes to tide me over
- The Killers
Jenny stayed true to her word. After running into Nate at Butter she'd gone home with Eric. She wasn't sure why she was listening to Nate; it wasn't like she listened to anyone else lately. Certainly, seeing him like this wasn't healthy for her, considering the fact that she was set on completely cutting out the source of her guilt from her life. She didn't want to see Nate Archibald if she could help it. He made her feel alive and when that happened the guilt she felt about Vanessa's death was fresh, raw, painful. She had perfected the art of being emotionally numb and wanted things to stay that way. When she ran into him at NYU with Scott and again at Butter she'd been pretty good at keeping her guard up around him, but Jenny wasn't sure how long she could hold out.
Her thoughts were with him when she went to school the next day. How long did he mean by for now? A month? A week? A day? Jenny shook her head a little and stared at her math quiz. He was such a terrible thief, trying to steal her heart again like this. But she couldn't let him; so as she wrote down formulas and used her calculator she shoved the memory of eating ice cream on his couch while he did math homework into a neat little package, and then she put it in the corner of her mind. By the time her quiz was done she had sloppily sewn her heart back up and Nate Archibald didn't matter. Nothing mattered.
For now.
During lunch on the steps that Blair had once presided over, Emma came to Jenny to gloat.
"I won, obviously. Did you get laid at all?" Emma asked, crossing her arms over her chest and raising her eyebrows before taking a seat on the steps. Jenny couldn't find the will to get angry at her; she could feel nothing inside of her. She'd been so numb for such a long time.
"Uh, definitely not. Nate Archibald wants to be the one but at a later date." Jenny responded, her voice dripping with ice -- it was natural to her now to speak like this -- and the girls near her murmured their approval. Of course Nate's name always made girls act like that; even Emma looked envious. "Who'd you lose it to? Some club-hopping hipster? You might want to get tested for a few diseases if that's the case."
Emma glared at her. "Whatever, I still won."
"Okay, you won," Jenny replied, rolling her eyes. "Now move down a step, do you mind? You're a little too close for my taste."
For now meant until school ended. As soon as she walked out she saw him there by the gate, leaning against it casually, his blue eyes searching for someone. Her. She tried to go by him unnoticed but that was a bit hard when you were taller than everyone else with light blonde hair and a sparkly headband on your head. Jenny knew she should have left her headband at home today but she'd felt the need to wear it to remind Emma who the real Queen was here.
"Hello, Jenny," he said sweetly, grabbing her arm when she tried to duck discreetly past him. "Nice to see you, too. Where are you headed?"
The memories and emotions that she always repressed were threatening to burst past the barrier that was holding them back. She forced her thoughts away from that and chose not to look at his face. "Home, but why is that any of your business?" She shook his hand off her arm and continued to walk past him. Of course he caught up with her and then walked by her side.
"Good, I'll walk you there." Nate said cheerily, and she responded with silence. She barely noticed the cold and Nate accepted her silence, choosing to be silent as well. He was close to her side the entire long way home and she could feel heat radiating away from his body. The former Jenny would have inched closer both for the warmth and because he was Nate and she had never been able to resist him. The current Jenny, however, always increased the distance between them -- just to have Nate close that distance when she wasn't looking. He kept looking at her for long periods of time, and normally that would have made her nervous. But right now, she honestly didn't care.
When they reached her home she turned to face him. "See you." She said blankly, looking up at him. He was frowning at her bag.
"Jenny, what's...?" Nate reached over before she could stop him and pulled an open pack of condoms from the side pocket. Jenny made sounds of protest as he was silent for a few seconds, staring at it in shock, and then he asked angrily, "What is this doing in your bag?"
"What does it look like it's doing in there? And why should it matter to you?" Jenny snapped back, her voice dripping with venom.
"I thought you were going to stay away from guys for now. That was your half of the promise!" Nate's hands were shaking; she'd never seen him so angry.
"Sorry, I forgot Scott counted as a guy." Jenny replied -- she was exaggerating of course, Scott had come to visit her yesterday but they hadn't done anything; in fact he was more visiting Rufus than Jenny-- and she watched Nate's face turn pale for a few moments. She felt something inside: pity. Glancing across the street, she saw a girl in an UES uniform trying to discreetly pull out her phone, and she sighed. "Just kidding, Nate. Just kidding."
Jenny turned away from him and opened the door, slipping inside the building; she felt Nate's hand grab her arm just in time and he followed her inside. Jenny managed go to up a flight of stairs before he pressed her into a corner of the stairwell.
"What do you mean, just kidding?" He asked, putting one of his arms on the wall on one side of her so that she had to answer his question.
He was so close. Jenny did her best to ignore this fact and kept her thoughts clear. "As in I've kept up my side of the bargain or promise or whatever you want to call it."
He searched her eyes. "Then why's it an open box?"
"It's Dan's. I kind of need to put it back in his dorm later on, so do you mind? And you should learn to mind your own business," She replied frustratedly. Nate wasn't smiling at he handed it back to her; his fingers brushed against her always cold ones. There was this expression on his face that felt slightly familiar... was that jealousy? Of what? Her little comment about Scott?
He noticed her scowl and sighed, his voice gentle. "Your hands are cold," he noted, leaning in and pressing the side of his temple against her own. She felt her heart beat strangely as he breathed her in, taking one of her small cold hands in his warm one. "Let me warm you up." He laced their fingers together tightly and she couldn't do anything to fight against him, because a part of her simply didn't want to. He took their interlaced hands and brought them up to her face, his index finger caressing her cheek lightly as his nose trailed down against her other cheek, his lips brushing past her jawline. His other hand was still braced against the wall, the sleeves of his jacket pushed back to reveal his toned forearm. Jenny closed her eyes and breathed in his forbidden scent and then flickered her eyes open again because his face was too beautiful to not watch.
His hand slid from her waist to the small of her back where her shirt had ridden up to expose some skin, and he pressed his fingers against it lightly; she felt her skin tingle immediately. His mouth was so close to hers as he stopped grazing her jawline; there was a pause and the tension was rising and she was so sure he was going to kiss her.
But he didn't. His lips were only an inch away from hers, near the corner of her mouth. He ran his lips against hers gently, from corner to corner and back so gently she could hardly feel it; it was an almost-kiss, and the small cage inside of her that contained the old Jenny demanded that she pull him closer to her. But when she closed her eyes all she could imagine was Vanessa's body on the hospital bed and Dan with his head in his hands and Nate holding her as autumn leaves flew past them...
Nate pulled an inch away, his eyes taking in her face. He touched the corner of her lip with their entwined hands, his thumb stroking it softly. "What do I mean to you, Jenny?" He asked quietly, softly, sweetly, vulnerably. If her heart had repaired itself it would have broken, but it was still just ashes. Jenny closed her eyes for a moment, breathed in, breathed out, opened them again.
The moments passed and he took in her eyes that had turned cold once more. "Tell me what I mean to you, Jenny." Nate said again, his voice demanding and assertive and even alarmed now. His grip tightened on her hand.
"Nothing," she found herself responding, and the bottles that held her memories of him were cast out to sea.
There was a moment and then his hand dropped hers. "Hope you're warm now," he said in a hoarse voice, stepping away from her, turning, and leaving without another word.
She felt the cold air hit her body like a tidal wave.
This chapter was a lot easier to write! Thank you so much to everyone for reviewing and my buddy Yan for the inspiration for this chapter. Season Three spoilers will be coming out soon so let's hope for the best for N and especially our J!