Felicity laid curled up on her bed, her knees pulled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them. It had been nearly three hours since she had rushed home in a blind panic over the news that Ben had been stabbed, and had walked right into a confrontation with her parents. She sniffled miserably and rolled onto her back, waiting for more tears to come, but, it seemed as though she had cried herself hollow and was now left completely empty. She and Ben had been found out, and now Ben was going to be sent back to Yorktown.
She and Ben had been so wrapped up in each other that she had not stopped to think, not even for a second, how wrong-headed it was to keep such a secret. The moment she had seen the expression on her father's face it had become crystal clear to her.
How could I have been so thoughtless?
And Ben…Ben had been hesitant to keep such a secret from her parents. For weeks now, he had been reminding her that he needed to speak with them both. The waiting was her idea. She had selfishly wanted to keep him all to herself, and it was only at her insistence that he went along with it. And now, with the loss of his apprenticeship, he was going to bear the brunt of the punishment.
If he survives.
Felicity squeezed her eyes shut as to rid herself of this intrusive thought, banishing it and the vivid memory of his blood on the street. Her parents said that Ben's injury was not life-threatening; Joseph himself had told them that he was very lucky. As her father put it, Ben was resting comfortably right at this moment. Yes, this was indeed a bright spot. She must not dwell on any other scenario.
She opened her eyes and stared at the red-checkered canopy of her bed, wondering when she was going to be able to see for herself that Ben was okay. Her mother was supposedly going to fetch her at any time, and it was starting to irritate Felicity that she neither knew if, or when it would happen. In the past she had merely taken it upon herself to decide when her punishment was over, but she knew the seriousness of her actions this time. Her father had told her that she was not to be alone with Ben while he still remained in Williamsburg, so it was a given that her actions were to be closely watched from now until the unknown future. Her parents would also demand details of her relationship with Ben for sure.
At once, a thought came to her mind. The letters….if she found out about them, her mother would most certainly take them away. Would she? She wouldn't be so cruel….
Felicity rolled over onto her stomach and reached for her nightstand. She opened the drawer and pulled out the stack of letters that Ben had written to her, and flipped through them. Many of them spoke of just trivial things, camp life, marching, the weather, the other soldiers in his company. But they often had a very personal, if not thoroughly affectionate tone to them. No, she thought. Her mother and father must not know of the letters. She got up from her bed and walked over to her dresser, stashing them away in the furthest reach of the bottom drawer. I'll have to think of a more clever hiding place soon. Perhaps Elizabeth could keep them for me? If they stayed in her drawer, she knew it was only a matter of time before her mother or Rose found them.
At that moment, she heard footsteps coming up the stairs. She shut her drawer as quietly as she could, and dove back to her bed, facing away from the doorway. The footsteps came closer to her door, making nerves flutter through her stomach and chest for reasons quite unknown to her.
The door finally swung open, and her mother spoke. "Felicity, are you awake?"
Felicity turned her head so that her mother could see her profile, keeping her expression as impassive as she could.
Her mother spoke again. "I've come to fetch you so that you can see Ben. Would you like that?"
"Aye." Felicity said as quietly as she could, not knowing exactly what else to say, just that it was wise to speak as little as possible at the moment. She sat up in her bed, placing her feet on the floor, then stood up. A quick glimpse in her vanity mirror showed her face, red and puffy from crying so much while strands of hair, escaped from her mob cap hung limply. She took a breath and turned to face her mother, but Martha had already turned her back and was heading towards the stairs.
She won't even look at me. Thought Felicity, feeling equal parts bitterness and misery.
Martha spoke again as Felicity followed her down the stairs. "Ben has not yet awoken, but you will see for yourself that he is resting comfortably."
Again, Felicity decided against saying anything, dictated by a small, mutinous part of her. As the two of them entered the sitting room, Felicity saw Nan, William and Polly look up, but her father was thankfully not present. Felicity fleetingly wondered if either Nan or William had corroborated what they knew to her parents, but concluded that it did not really matter at this point.
Her mother swung open the door of the guest room, and Felicity stood on her tip-toes so she could get a glimpse of Ben as soon as she could. Yet, she did not get a good look at him until after the two of them entered the darkened room. Rose, who was sitting silently in the corner of the room nodded to them, and Martha walked over to join her as Felicity knelt by the edge of the bed. As her mother said, Ben remained asleep. His face was quite a bit paler than usual and there were dark circles under his eyes, yet his breathing was deep and even. Seeing this, it felt as though a huge weight that she didn't realize was there was suddenly lifted off her shoulders, and she smiled.
He survived, and is going to be okay. That is all that matters right now.
Her vow of mutinous silence forgotten, Felicity looked up and addressed Rose. "Besides stitching Ben up, did Joseph do anything else? Is there any medicine for the wound? Will…will Joseph need to return to check on Ben in a few days' time?"
"He did give us some salve, Miss Felicity." Rose said. "Dr. Stevens expects a full recovery for Mr. Davidson in a few weeks time. But for now, he must sleep." She nodded in a way that told Felicity to not to risk waking Ben with more questions.
Felicity nodded, then turned back towards Ben. He shifted a little in his sleep and his mouth moved slightly, making her hold her breath with the anticipation that he might awaken. But, he remained still after that moment.
Her mother spoke up. "Felicity, this is enough time. There is some leftover stew in the kitchen that you can eat, then it is best that you retire to your bedroom for the evening."
Felicity snapped her head up, the mutinous feeling that had been at the back of her mind coming to the forefront. "Then what?" She retorted. "Then wait in my bedroom after I wake up for you to fetch me for breakfast?"
If it was at all possible, her mother's stare would shoot daggers. She responded, keeping her voice dangerously calm. "No, you will be expected to be at breakfast at the usual time. Then, after that, you will do your normal chores." Felicity said nothing in return, and her mother continued. "Daughter, it would be best for you to mind your manners at this time."
Felicity looked down at the floor and bit back a retort, knowing her mother was correct. Perhaps if she was on her best behavior the next few days, her parents would see hers and Ben's relationship in a different light. Yes, perhaps it was something to hope for.
She took one last look at Ben and suppressed the urge to reach out and touch his hand. Then, she bid both her mother and Rose good night, and slipped out of the room.
….
Ben awoke with a start, feeling at once the angry, burning sensation in his side. He blinked once, twice, as he mentally banished the dream he had been in the middle of. He stared at the unfamiliar ceiling, coming to the slow realization that he was in the guest room of the Merriman house. It was still dark outside, but he could see a thin sliver of pale sky at the horizon.
Is it dawn? Or dusk?
He worked to shift off some of the uncomfortably heavy, warm blankets covering him, as his side continued to burn. Instinctively, he brought a hand to it, feeling the cloth bandages that were wrapped around his midsection. At once he regretted touching the wound, as the pain ratcheted up with such an intensity it made him gasp.
So it did happen.
He had dreamt of being stabbed by a faceless stranger, only to be left to bleed out by Mr. Merriman until crows came to peck at the knife wound. Eventually, Joseph had come along to stitch him up with a giant needle. Strangely, he did this only using one arm, as his other arm was wrapped all the way around Felicity's waist, his hand over her breast. As he worked, Felicity animatedly chattered about their upcoming wedding, alternating between the discussing the flowers and imploring Ben, "You'll be there too, right? You are one of my dearest friends and you must not miss it!"
The dream itself had been too absurd to be upsetting, however he put a second thought to the indifference that Mr. Merriman had given to his state. Although he was Ben's boss, Ben had come to see Mr. Merriman as somewhat of a father figure over the past few years. Both Mr. and Mrs. Merriman had right from the beginning welcomed Ben into their homes, treating him as if he was their own son. As he came accustomed to his life in Williamsburg, he and Mr. Merriman had formed an easy rapport as manager and apprentice.
Now, the indifferent, cold look that Mr. Merriman gave him as he lay bleeding in the street in his dream stuck with him more than the impossible scenario of Felicity mindlessly chattering about her upcoming wedding with Joseph. He closed his eyes and made an effort to separate reality and dream by searching his memories.
He was interrupted by a light knocking, followed by the sound of the door swinging open. He opened his eyes and saw that it was Mrs. Merriman. She shined a candle towards him and studied his face.
"Ben. I see that you are awake. How do you feel?" She pulled up a chair and sat down, placing the candle on a nearby nightstand.
"A little unwell, thank you Ma'am." Ben answered truthfully, his voice scratchy from underuse. Now chilly, he shivered a bit, and eyed the many quilts he had banished to the foot of the bed.
Mrs. Merriman studied his face, "Dr. Stevens told us that he expected you would be feverish from the shock of it all, and it looks to me like you are in the thick of it."
Ben turned his head to fully meet her gaze, and was at once struck by how unemotional her expression was. It was true that Martha Merriman always kept an even tone, but there was something in her eyes that truly unnerved Ben.
Perhaps I am still dreaming. He thought, and let his fingers delicately prod the stiches in his side once more under the sheets and was rewarded by the expected sensation. His head swam a bit, and he closed his eyes in an effort to alleviate the pain.
Much better. He thought, feeling himself start to drift off once again.
Mrs. Merriman spoke again, as if to sternly remind him of her presence. "Do you remember what happened?"
I tried to stop a thief, and I stupidly forgot to make sure he was not armed. Ben thought, itching to go back to sleep. He resisted the urge to roll over and turn his back to Mrs. Merriman, instead opening his eyes again and speaking up. "Yes Ma'am. I tried to stop a thief at the store. He stabbed me." His side throbbed with pain as if to not let him forget and he closed his eyes again. It was on the tip of his tongue to ask how Felicity was, but he stopped himself just in time.
That was a close one. It would seem a bit suspicious for you to be asking specifically about Felicity.
Wait…Felicity…..
In that moment, his memories of Joseph stitching him up revealed themselves, and everything made sense. The cold disregard on Mr. Merriman's face in his dream….the flat, emotionless way that Mrs. Merriman spoke with his right now….
Lissie, I'm so sorry.
Ben let out a low moan, and instinctively turned on his non-injured side, pulling his knees up towards his chest as best he could without disturbing the wound. His head now felt boiling hot, and he could feel his face burn with shame, augmented perhaps by fever.
"I see that you need a bit more rest. I'll leave you for the time being." He only vaguely heard Mrs. Merriman's voice, which seemed measurably kinder.
Ben made sure to mumble an apology before giving in to sleep.
…
Felicity thumbed through the swatches of colorful cloth at the milliner's shop, and sighed with exasperation. Her mother had instructed her to bring back a few bolts of specific colors, but the request made no sense. It was still too early to start preparing new clothes for the springtime, and she and her sisters had no need of new gowns despite Nan's insistence, come to think of it. It seemed like a waste of money, but she knew she had to fulfill the request.
More like a waste of my time. She had been eager enough to attend to the mending, with the idea that she could set herself up at Ben's bedside. But not surprisingly, her mother had refused, instead insisting that Felicity run the day's errands instead of working at home. Normally she would have been thrilled at this request, but at the moment she wanted only to be there when Ben woke up.
She mentally reminded herself that it was a little nice to be out of the house. Breakfast had been a slightly awkward affair, with Nan, William, and Polly remaining silent. She wasn't sure if her siblings had been instructed to be quiet or if they now felt ill at ease with her, either way, she made an effort not to be upset at them over this. Her father had gone to the store early, as she imagined him needing to deal with the aftermath of Ben's stabbing. And her mother….her mother seemed to have taken it upon herself to be Felicity's shadow such as long as she was at home. It had only been a few hours, and this newfound state of constant surveillance was already wearing on her last nerve.
I must stay calm. If I show anger, mother and father will never let Ben stay.
Distracted by her thoughts, she absentmindedly chose a few bolts of lavender, blue, and pink, paid for them, and was on her way.
Surprisingly, her mother was not around at first glance when she returned home. But Rose was there to meet her as soon as she walked through the door. "Miss Felicity, would you please come and begin the dough for tonight's supper?" Felicity gave a slight smile and nodded. Out of all domestic chores, cooking was probably the one that gave her some sort of satisfaction. No matter what was bothering her, she could easily dismiss it while preparing a meal. She calmly worked beside Rose, biding her time until the dough was nearly ready to be set to rise before asking about Ben.
"Rose, if you would please…would you tell me how Ben is today? Has he been awake? I don't dare ask my mother."
Rose didn't look up from her work. "Mr. Davidson has been awake today, but he is a little feverish. Dr. Stevens said this was to be expected."
Of course. Felicity felt a slight sense of worry at the news that Ben was ill, but pushed it down before asking another terrible question. "Does he understand why I am not there to see him?" Rose rested her palms on the table and looked up at Felicity. It was clear she was choosing her words carefully. "Miss Felicity, he is fully aware of all of the things that he said, and that your mother and father know about the two of you. So, I imagine he understands why you are not present with him. And Miss Felicity," She gave Felicity a pointed look, "Perhaps you should be asking your mother these questions. At this time, the only way to be is truthful."
Felicity sighed. Truth was, she still could not decide the best way to conduct herself around her mother, while tensions were so high. She knew that her efforts to stay calm were more often than not resulting in her staying completely silent. She hoped that her mother would not see her as sullen.
She turned towards Rose, and thanked her for the information. I'll simply ask mother to see Ben. That's all I need to do.
…
Ben sat propped carefully up against several pillows, alternatively thumbing through Felicity's copy of Gulliver's Travels, and dozing off for minutes at a time. He shifted uncomfortably, the wound in his side not letting him fully relax. Between that and all of his unanswered questions, things were quickly becoming unbearable.
Mrs. Merriman had not been back to talk to him since early that morning.
Mr. Merriman had been completely absent.
Rose would not give him any information.
Felicity had not been in to see him. Was this because Mrs. Merriman was disallowing it? It had to be. He wanted nothing more than to see her open the door, giving him that smile that never failed to brighten his entire world.
What was going to happen? Was he to be sent back to Yorktown? Or, alternatively, would Mr. and Mrs. Merriman approve wholeheartedly of their relationship and think nothing of the fact that the two of them hid their secret for months?
Judging by Felicity's absence, that was not a likely scenario.
He heard faint footsteps near the door and held his breath, anticipation rising in his chest. A moment later, the sound faded away. He let out the breath he was holding, disappointed and frustrated. It was a good thing that he was still feeling too poorly to get out of bed, or he would have swung the door open and demanded, er, no, requested answers long by now.
He closed his eyes, hoping to drift off once again. But, a moment later he heard footsteps once again. As before, he held his breath with anticipation. This time, the footsteps stopped outside of the door, and a light knocking was heard.
"Come in." Ben's heart thudded in his chest, but made his best attempt at keeping a calm voice.
The door opened, and Mrs. Merriman stepped in. She brought a tray of soup and tea, and set it on the nightstand. She then pulled up a chair to the side of the bed and sat down, facing Ben. Her face was perfectly impassive. Despite having several hours to analyze and plan exactly what he would say to Felicity's parents regarding their relationship, Ben suddenly found himself at a loss for words. He decided to stick with the most pressing ones. "Thank you for the food and tea, Ma'am."
"You are welcome, Ben." Mrs. Merriman said, a slight smile on her lips. She leaned forward and studied his face. "You are looking a bit better since this morning. Are you still in a great deal of pain?"
Just mentioning it seemed to make the wound in his side feel worse. But, he did not want to vocalize that. "Not as bad as before, thank you Ma'am." He allowed a small smile to match Mrs. Merriman's tone.
Mrs. Merriman put on her impassive expression once again, and folded her hands in her lap. "Ben, we need to have a conversation about this, and I need you to be completely truthful with me. Now, what do you remember of Dr. Stevens stitching you up yesterday?"
Ben bowed his head. "Most everything, I reckon. And I just want to say," He swallowed, "I am truly sorry for any transgressions I have made against you and Mr. Merriman." His heart continued to pound, and he didn't dare look up before saying what he thought was the most important part. "I truly love Felicity, and I would never do her any harm. If I have any regrets, it's that I wish I had made my intentions clear to the both of you much sooner."
"Aye." Mrs. Merriman simply said. "You should have. Edward is very angry, and sees your actions and secrecy as a betrayal." Ben let out the breath he did not realize he was holding, and felt remorse filling his chest. Mrs. Merriman continued. "He has decided to terminate your contract, and has written your father to come to Williamsburg and fetch you."
This was the very scenario that Ben had dreaded. He felt a lump forming in his throat. "When?" he whispered.
"Early next week. Dr. Stevens said you should be well enough to travel by then." Mrs. Merriman replied.
Ben learned back into his pillow and closed his eyes, searching for the right words to say. He opened them, and forced himself to look at Mrs. Merriman for the first time in several minutes. She still carried a serious look on her face that matched her words, but there was compassion in her eyes. He blinked, realizing that he was starting to tear up, and forced himself to speak. "Again, I am so sorry, Ma'am. I….I just…everything just completely got away from me. 'Twas not my intention to betray the both of you, or anyone for that matter." He hoped that these words were not too nonsensical, but he simply could find no other way to explain himself. He reached up and awkwardly wiped his eyes. Pathetic.
To his credit, Mrs. Merriman's eyes softened a bit more. She reached out and touched his hand. "I am sorry that it has come to this, Ben. I will repeat myself that Edward is very angry and his decision is final." Ben closed his eyes and sniffled, feeling a tear roll down his cheek. He didn't bother to wipe it away.
Mrs. Merriman stood up and paused for a moment. Ben kept his eyes closed, but knew that she was searching for the right words to say. "Perhaps…perhaps in the next few days we can all come to some sort of understanding. Please take heart, my dear." She stood up. "I'll leave you for now. Felicity will not be in to see you today, but tomorrow I will allow it."
Ben nodded, not feeling terribly optimistic.
….
That evening, Felicity worked by candlelight on her latest embroidery pattern. She had never held the inherent talent for it that Elizabeth did, but she still felt the need to work on her skill from time to time.
Perhaps I can give it to Ben before he leaves.
The thought seemed to shoot through her chest like an arrow, and not the romantic kind. She had been so good today, so calm, her parents just had to change their minds about Ben. She had run her errands, helped Rose prepare dinner, helped Polly with her lessons, done more than her fair share of mending, was perfectly polite at dinner despite the continued forced silence of her family….
Father wouldn't even eat dinner with the rest of us. This has never happened before.
She paused as she processed this thought. It was true that her father was completely incensed with her and Ben, but at the same time, she truly did not feel remorse at her actions.
Now that thought, the idea that she felt no remorse at carrying on with Ben, that gave her pause.
Don't you remember? You concluded that nothing you ever did with Ben felt wrong.
Is this all completely wrong?
None of this matters, she sighed, banishing these heavy thoughts from her mind and looked up at her mother, who was working on her own embroidery pattern. After dinner she had asked Martha if she could go and see Ben. Her mother had refused, telling her to wait until tomorrow. "He is likely sleeping." She had said in a completely dismissive tone. Felicity felt anger begin to rise in her chest, but at pushed it down in her efforts to stay calm. Tomorrow….she had repeated to herself. Tomorrow mother and father will tell me that Ben may stay, and tomorrow I will finish my embroidery.
She made herself give a small smile, knowing full well someone observing her might have commented on the slightly insane look she wore.
There is no way that Ben will leave.
….
Her mother was true to her word, and Felicity was allowed a supervised visit with Ben after breakfast the next morning. After knocking lightly on the door, she followed her mother into the guest room. Ben sat propped up against many pillows. His face was still pale, but the light fever he had the previous day was gone. He gave her a tired smile as she rushed to his bedside to get a closer look at him.
For once, she was at a loss for words. All at once, she wanted to scold him for putting himself in unnecessary danger, cry about how scared she was to nearly lose him, tell him how happy she was to see him, and that she was certain that he would definitely be staying in Williamsburg. In the end, she simply leaned towards him and commented, "You look nice and clean."
Ben smiled and blushed, bringing some of the missing color back to his face. "Aye. Rose scrubbed me down. 'Twas quite embarrassing, really. I tried to protest, but she simply told me that my mouth has gotten me into nearly enough trouble lately so I best hush up." He stopped smiling, and his mouth twisted slightly. Felicity felt her eyes welling with tears.
Ben spoke again, deep remorse etched across his face. "Felicity, I am so sorry about all of the trouble I have caused." His voice choked up slightly.
"No, no! Don't be upset. Everything is going to be fine. You'll see." Felicity took his hands and was surprised to see Ben flinch a bit and pull away, his eyes flicking up to where Martha was sitting.
Right. Felicity knew that he was going to be remorseful towards her parents, but she still felt slightly rejected. She held out her hand again, and Ben looked at her with apologetic eyes and shook his head slightly.
Felicity sighed and glanced backwards towards her mother, who was holding her knitting, but watching the two of them. She had silently tolerated the constant surveillance for the past two days, but now, in the presence of Ben, it was starting to wear heavily on her. She set her jaw, turned back towards Ben, and reached out to smooth some of the strands of his unbound hair back. He flinched again, but then closed his eyes and let her proceed. With the back of her hand, she stroked his cheek and he sighed, then opening his eyes again.
"Felicity, that's quite enough. Why don't you sit up straight?" Her mother interrupted from across the room. Felicity pursed her lips and closed her eyes in an effort to calm down the sense of defiant irritability that was rising in her chest. She then forced an impassive expression and turned around to apologize.
She turned back towards Ben and spoke to him in hushed tones. "I know everything will be all right. My father is angry, but he will calm down and see that there is no logical reason for you to go." She gave him a smile. Ben offered a weak smile in return. "Your father has not been in to see me at all. The last time he spoke to me was right after I was stabbed. This does not look good, Lissie."
Felicity leaned forward and once again took Ben's hand. He did not flinch away. "I'll see that I speak with him tonight." She took her other hand, and ran it down his arm.
Her mother spoke up again. "Felicity, please! Sit up!"
Felicity whirled around, not bothering to force a calm expression. Her mother straightened up, meeting her gaze with one of her own. She turned back around to look at Ben, who again shook his head slightly.
Her mother spoke again. "Felicity, your father's decision, and my decision is final. Ben will be returning to Yorktown in a few days' time. This is best for all of us, especially Ben. He needs time to properly heal."
Felicity again pressed her lips together, fury now threading through her chest. She looked at Ben, then back at her mother. "Ben can heal just fine here, with us, and you and father both know this! What exactly is your reasoning for sending Ben away?"
"Felicity." Her mother simply said, a warning tone evident in her voice.
Felicity couldn't help but continue. "It does not make any sense. There is no need to be cross about this, none at all!" She gave her mother a challenging expression, but got only silence in return. This propelled her into speaking again. "What exactly have we done wrong? What crime have we committed?"
"Felicity, that's enough." Her mother said, her voice firm.
Felicity continued, the words now rolling off her as if she were possessed. "What do you think Ben and I did? What did you and father imagine?" She mocked a gasp and held a hand to the back of her forehead. "Why…do you think that we fornicated? Is that what you think? Would you like to examine me just to make sure?" She spat, giving her mother a hostile glare.
"Lissie-," Ben said weakly. She turned back towards him to see that he was again shaking his head at her. Felicity froze, feeling as though all time had stopped.
"Felicity Merriman." Her mother said in a low, dangerous voice. "I will never, ever hear this kind of talk from you ever again." She stood up from her chair and faced Felicity, who had recovered from her momentary fit of rage and was starting to shrink back. Martha pointed a finger at her, and continued speaking. "Every second you have opened your mouth, you have unwisely made things worse for yourself, and for Ben for that matter. Leave this room immediately, and go upstairs."
"I….., Felicity stuttered, her eyes welling with tears. She looked towards Ben, who was staring at her with an expression of disbelief and sadness, then back towards her mother, whose face was a mask of cold fury. Not wanting either of them to see her cry, she stood up and ran out of the room, face burning with shame.
I've ruined everything.
….
Ben woke up to see a letter addressed to him, sitting on the nightstand along with a cup of coffee. He sat up and rubbed sleep out of his eyes, then assessed the damage in his side as he did every morning. He gently poked where he had been stuck, feeling that the wound had gone rigid. It did ache some, but each day it was improving. It had been five days since he had been stabbed, which was what he understood to be an appropriate timeline as to healing and regaining his normal activities. Perhaps, he could even go sleep in his own, familiar loft tonight.
He had started to get out of bed and move around more often, but so far he had rarely left the guest room. He had the strong feeling that he was, like Felicity, under confinement. He sighed, thinking of the last time he saw her three days ago. He had been so happy to finally see her, and their reunion had been pleasant save for the fact that her jaw had been tensely set, likely due to Mrs. Merriman's presence. That look had quickly turned to outward anger, then delved into a sort of momentary insanity as she screamed her frustrations at her mother.
My love, why couldn't you have kept a cool head? Ben figured he had sadly accepted the termination of his contract and the fact that he was being hauled back to Yorktown, but perhaps there had been a tiny part of him that, like Felicity, held out hope that Mr. and Mrs. Merriman would change their minds. But now, whatever small chance they had surely diminished on account of Felicity's outburst. Since that morning, his only company had been Rose's quick visits. Mrs. Merriman had not come by, and he had not seen Mr. Merriman since the day that he was stabbed. And Felicity…he figured Felicity was confined to her room.
He hadn't realized how important human contact and conversation was to him, until it was completely lacking. At this point, he was almost ready to welcome his parents.
But you will be leaving Felicity behind.
Stop! You mustn't dwell on this.
He reached out for the mug of coffee and realized he had completely forgotten about the letter. He opened it, and quickly recognized his mother's handwriting.
November 4th, 1781
My Dear Ben,
Your father and I were so upset to hear of your injury, and we thank God that you survived and are likely regaining your health again. You must always be careful in the future since none of us know who among us is truly dangerous. Whatever the thief took, it was most certainly not worth your life. The loss of your sister will always weigh heavily on us, and we will not bear to lose another child, not after we took you back from the Great War. Do you understand me, Ben?
Ben put down the letter, realizing with a start that he had never actually learned what the man had stolen. He swiftly decided that he did not want to know, and continued to read.
Now there is another issue. Edward Merriman has written to us to inform that he has ended your contract on account of what I am to understand is a secret love between you and Felicity. He has requested that we travel to Williamsburg in a few days time to gather you and your belongings. My son, this is very serious to hear. Your father and I are very fond of Felicity, but we are disappointed in the way that you have conducted yourself. You should have told Edward and Martha of your intentions at the very beginning. My wish was to see you with Felicity, but not like this, Ben. Not like this.
Ben leaned against the headboard and let out an annoyed breath. He was already being punished by Mr. and Mrs. Merriman, he did not need to hear it from his own mother. He understood why Felicity had little tolerance for her mother's scolding. Still, he kept reading.
Ben, you need to do right by Felicity. Perhaps this early departure will be good for you and her in the long view. You can get started with work sooner so that when you come back to ask for her hand, you have many possessions and a life to offer. And now, of course you will need time for Mr. and Mrs. Merriman to get over their anger. Are you in agreement with this?
I know that you might not find so much comfort in this thought, but your father and I are very much looking towards seeing you again, and having you with us back in Yorktown. We have missed you greatly. Please take heart, soon there will be a day in which we are collecting both you and Felicity.
All of my love,
Your Mother.
Ben folded the letter up, thinking about its contents. It was odd; typically the letters from his mother were written in Swedish, her native tongue, but this was in English. Perhaps she wanted to be transparent in case the Merrimans were to read it?
A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. "Come in!" He called, expecting to see Rose, and hoping that just maybe, Felicity might be along as well. The door opened, revealing Mr. Merriman.
Stunned, Ben could only utter, "Sir-!" He blinked, as panic flooded his chest. A few days ago he had regarded any potential visit from his former boss with anxiousness, but as the days passed he had gotten accustomed to the silence. It did not mean he would be regarding the man more comfortably, however. His mind raced as he tried to remember all of the words that he wanted to say as Mr. Merriman walked into the room and sat down, facing Ben.
He spoke, keeping his expression stoic. "I see you have opened your letter. I received one myself from your father. He and your mother will be traveling this coming Tuesday."
Ben blinked again, still at a loss for words. He opened his mouth, then closed it before he stupidly asked which day it was, exactly.
It was as if Mr. Merriman could read his mind. "Today is Sunday, so two days from now." Ben nodded as he felt his face flush. He swallowed, and made himself speak. "Sir, I….I want to apologize for any trespass I have made against you and Mrs. Merriman. 'Twas never my intention to cause any harm."
Mr. Merriman nodded, his face still completely void of emotion. "Ben, I appreciate your apology. But the two of us need to have a serious conversation about how we all proceed from here."
"Yes Sir." Ben picked up on Mr. Merriman's desire to talk the whole messy situation out, which planted a seed of hope in his chest. Still he did not quite know how to proceed.
Mr. Merriman started. "Felicity has been confined to her room for the past few days. It is not our intention to imprison her; she has her books and guitar, but we wanted her to have a quiet space and some time to think and reflect. She and I had a conversation about all of this yesterday, and now I want to speak with you. I know that you have guessed how this will start…I'll say right up front how shocked and angry I am to hear that the two of you carried on a relationship, in secret, right under my roof for several months." He paused and started straight at Ben, who took a moment to realize that it was his turn to speak. He decided the only appropriate reply was another apology.
"Again, I am deeply sorry, Sir. Things just…things just got away from me." He vaguely remembered giving this same line to Mrs. Merriman. In the back of his mind, he wondered if it would give him any credit to mention that the two of them were nearly prepared to come out into the open, but realized that it would be better to say as little as possible.
Mr. Merriman nodded, and continued speaking. "It is my duty as a father, to look out for the best interests of my daughter. It took me a few days to get over the anger that I have held over how the two of you have hidden yourselves. But I think I have put my own feelings aside, so that I may objectively consider what is best for Felicity." He thought for a moment, then re-focused on Ben. "Ben, answer me truthfully. Do you love my daughter?"
"Aye, I do. I love Felicity." Ben said with as much conviction he could muster. It was not difficult. Perhaps he was imagining things, but he saw the corners of Mr. Merriman's mouth turn up slightly.
Mr. Merriman's gaze went upward, as if he was thinking. "Ben, you have been with us for many years now. For sure you remember what kind of child Felicity was. She had a kind heart, a curious nature, and good intentions, but she was also impatient, reckless, quick to anger, and very much a tomboy." Ben found himself smiling inwardly at some of Felicity's antics many years ago. Meanwhile, Mr. Merriman continued. "As she reached adolescence, Martha and I saw that she had begun to calm down a great deal. She attended to all of her tasks responsibly, kept her temper in check, and did not act too rashly. It goes without saying that Martha loves her daughter no matter what, but I could tell that this was a victory for her, as a mother, to see her flighty daughter gain such emotional maturity. However, this only continued for a few more years up until around her seventeenth birthday. I could see that she was trying so hard to behave as her mother wanted her to, but it was almost like she was regressing into her old ways. That is where we are at right now. It is almost as if she is lashing out at something."
Ben understood exactly where Mr. Merriman was coming from. He couldn't explain the allegation that Felicity's mannerisms and behavior were regressing, but all the same, he found her personality endearing. I hope she never changes, he thought. It did hurt a little to hear Mr. Merriman speaking negatively about Felicity, so much that Ben decided to speak up in her defense. "Sir, if I may, I can recall numerous conversations in which Felicity claimed to feel so blessed to have such understanding parents that look out for her happiness above all else. She sees this, acknowledges it, and wishes to do well by you both in return." Mr. Merriman nodded and allowed a small smile. "I'll need to pass that on to Martha. I know she hopes that in all, she comes off as a loving mother to Felicity despite all of their struggles."
Ben felt like he was finally at ease, and had one more, very important point to make. He continued, "There have also been numerous conversations that Felicity and I have had, in which she speaks down on herself. She is fully aware of her regression in behavior that you just described. Once, she described herself as wicked, and that she can't stop it. Sir-," he swallowed, feeling that all-familiar lump in his throat again, "she dwells heavily over how disappointed she believes she has made everyone. And," he took a deep breath, trying to prevent himself from choking up in front of his boss, "it all makes me so sad. I love her personality, and I find her mannerisms and antics to be completely and entirely endearing. She has such a big heart, and it shows in everything she does and says. Sir, I hope that…I hope that she never changes." He knew it was risky to vocalize his final thought, but it needed to be said. If there ever was a time in which he needed to meet with Mr. Merriman with his full conviction, it was now. He made sure to make direct eye contact as he spoke these words, despite the physical exhaustion that he suddenly felt from speaking about such deep, personal feelings.
Mr. Merriman watched him for a moment, before speaking again. "Felicity also said very glowing things about you when I spoke to her. And that brings me to my next thought. Felicity is nearly grown now, so we are running out of time to be able to punish her as if she was a child. So at this point, I have to concede that Felicity is Felicity, and ask myself, what do I need to do now to ensure that my daughter has a happy and healthy future?" The hopeful feeling that had eluded Ben for several days once again began to blossom in Ben's chest as he heard these words. Mr. Merriman focused on him, and continued to speak. "Ben, it goes without saying that you have shown yourself to be a well-mannered, kind, and thoughtful young man. If you had asked if you could court Felicity, I would have soundly agreed. I believe you when you say that you love Felicity, and I believe her when she tells me that she loves you. There is great compatibility here, and I would be unwise to forbid a relationship between the two of you." Ben felt himself smile at these words. Could it be that he was getting Mr. Merriman's blessing?
Just then, Mr. Merriman's expression changed. His brow furrowed, he spoke again in a different tone. "This all brings me to my final thought. Perhaps I should not be so rash in releasing Felicity to adulthood just because she is of a certain age." Ben frowned slightly at the different tone, but let Mr. Merriman continued speaking. "There are a few things that give me pause; things that make me feel like Felicity has a bit more growing up to do. First, her profane outburst a few days ago, of which I don't believe I need to go into any detail about. And secondly, going back to my conversation with Felicity, she apologized for not telling us sooner about the two of you, but I don't know if she was truly remorseful about the secrecy, or if she was just upset over being found out. I believe it was the latter." Ben's mind reeled at how the conversation seemed to have changed in such a drastic manner, yet, he instantly was able to recall something that Felicity once told him. "Nothing I ever do with you feels wrong." With a sinking heart, he immediately knew that Mr. Merriman was correct in his assumption.
Mr. Merriman kept talking, his words like nails into Ben's coffin. "For these reasons, I still must abide by my original plan to send you back to Yorktown, permanently. Felicity has more growing up to do before we release her into adulthood as a respectable member of the community, and a woman with the Merriman name. Do you understand me, Lad?"
Ben felt as though the rug had been pulled out underneath him. In stunned desperation, he opened his mouth to speak, then closed it before opening it again. "Sir…I…", he stuttered, "I…I would like to formally ask for Felicity's hand in marriage." He swallowed, feeling the lump materialize in his throat again. Don't you dare cry! He fiercely thought. He continued, "Felicity's happiness will be my only priority."
"Ben." Mr. Merriman looked at him with a great deal of pity. "You know full well that I must refuse at this time. This is all for the best. You need to set up a future for yourself. You know this to be true. And I can't…Felicity needs to show that she can conduct herself in a mature manner if she is to one day be married, even if it is to you, as familiar as you are. I will allow the two of you to exchange letters, and I welcome you to come back once you have a foothold in society to ask for her hand again." He nodded at Ben, and stood up.
Ben felt as though his chest had been caved in, shoveled out, and laid bare on account of his deeply personal confessions and the harsh rebuke that followed. He thought of Felicity, and feeling that he had failed her on some level. "Sir…did you tell Felicity of your final decision?"
"Aye, I did." Mr. Merriman said quietly. Sadness passed over his face.
"What did she say?" Ben asked, forgetting to properly address Mr. Merriman.
"Not a thing. She started to cry." Mr. Merriman said, looking away from Ben.
The thought of Felicity sitting alone in her room, weeping, made Ben feel even worse if at all possible. What is my worth, if I cannot be there to comfort her? He thought in sadness and frustration. Mr. Merriman interrupted his thoughts. "Ben, if you are feeling well enough, perhaps you could join us at the dinner table tonight and for the next two nights." Ben couldn't find the words to say as an awkward silence passed between the two of them, and a rare, uncomfortable expression passed over Mr. Merriman's face. "Right." He said, looking down at his feet, then turning towards the door. Before exiting, he turned around to address Ben one last time. "Ben, I am so glad you survived and will regain your health. Please take more care from now on." With that, he slipped out of the room and closed the door behind him.
….
Quiet as a barn cat, Felicity slipped out of her bedroom door that William had picked the lock of a few hours earlier. Ben's mother and father would arrive that very day, and while up until now she had been cooperative with her mother and father's orders to stay in her room, she felt like she needed a proper goodbye. She crept down the stairs and went to tap on the closed door of the guest bedroom, using the specific rhythm that she and Ben both shared.
Ra-tat-tat
Ra-tat-tat
As she tapped, she paid some mind to the pattern that she used. It was taught to the both of them by Isaac, who was a drummer for the militia back during the beginning of the war several years back. Felicity found herself suddenly thinking about Isaac. Truth was, she had not seen him for many years since. Had he been carried off to his death like so many other young men?
At this last thought, Felicity pulled her fingers away from the door frame as if she suddenly imagined it in flames. There had been no answer from Ben, so she gently pushed the door open. "Ben?" She whispered, holding up the candle she had been carrying so that she might see in the darkness.
"What? Lissie…is that you?" Ben was struggling to sit up, a hand shielding his eyes from the light.
"Shhhh…" Felicity said, a finger against her lips. She set the candle down on the nightstand, then sat down on the bed. Without hesitation, Ben threw his arms around her and embraced her. She put her arms around him in kind and buried her face in his neck, and the two of them stayed there for several moments in silence. She fleetingly remembered how he flinched away from her touch a few days prior, but any off-putting feelings that still remained completely dissipated with his embrace. It had been nearly a week since she had been able to hold him in this way, yet it had felt like a lifetime.
If five days felt like a lifetime, how was she going to get through Ben's long absence that had no end in sight? She inhaled sharply against Ben's neck and whispered, "You're leaving." The words echoed through her mind as she struggled to comprehend them.
"It appears to be true." Ben said in response as he rubbed her back.
"What are we going to do?" Felicity asked, her voice muffled. Tears were starting to well up and she squeezed her eyes shut in response.
"I don't know." Ben confessed. "I feel completely and utterly useless."
"It is as if we have no control over our own lives." Felicity said, her sadness slowly being replaced by bitterness. "I've never wanted anything more, and it seems there is no justifiable reason for us be parted."
Ben laid back into his pillows, gently guiding Felicity down with him. "My love, we cannot get angry. At this point, what will it solve?"
"Strange to hear that sort of advice coming from you." Felicity said wryly, resting her head on Ben's chest as his arms looped around her. They both lapsed into silence, as Felicity listened to Ben's heart beat. She spoke up a moment later. "What do your parents say about this turn of events? Are they disappointed to hear about…about your dismissal?" It was on the tip of her tongue to say "me", but changed her mind at the last moment.
"Aye, they are disappointed, sure. But they think it is high time for me to return and start my own business." Ben said.
"That is exactly what my father said." Felicity thought back, and a tight feeling started in her chest as she remembered another aspect of the conversation. "He also told me that I have shown that I am not ready to be married, that I would struggle in the role on account of my disposition. I get the feeling that he was using Mother's words." She sighed, making sure to diminish the bitter feeling that was yet again washing over her.
"Wait, Lissie." Ben said, cutting into her thoughts, "I told your father that I loved you just the way you were." He squeezed her shoulder. "In fact, I asked your father if I could marry you."
"Really?" Felicity asked. The numb feeling that she carried seemed to budge a little at Ben's words, but it did not dissipate. "Officially asked?"
Felicity felt Ben sigh. "Aye, I did. Must have sounded like a proper fool. Meant every word, of course, but felt like I was five years old."
Felicity did not quite know what to say. "I'm so sorry Ben. I hope that does not dissuade you from asking again in the future." Whenever that may be. She felt tears prickling in her eyes at that thought.
"Of course not, my love." Ben said, rubbing her back.
The two of them lapsed into silence, before Felicity spoke up. "I'm not sure if you heard from my parents of the news, but they will hang the man."
"Pardon?" Ben asked.
"Thomas Langley. The man who stabbed you. Turns out he had already been branded a thief. The prosecutor argued that his intention was to kill you in cold blood, so the verdict was hanging." Felicity said matter-of-factly.
"Oh." Ben said. To Felicity's surprise, he added. "I don't know how I feel about that. Perhaps…perhaps it does not sit well with me."
"I'm just fine with it." Felicity grimly said. "He tried to take you away from me." A lump formed in her throat, and tears again prickled her eyes.
Ben laced his fingers together, then squeezed his arms tighter around her. "I'm still here, and I'm still with you, even as there will be some physical distance between us for a time. When I get back to Yorktown, I will devote all of my actions towards the singular goal of coming back for you. Do you hear me?" There was steely determination in his voice.
Felicity sniffled and nodded her head awkwardly, momentarily unable to speak. She swallowed, and choked out the first words that came to her mind. "What am I going to do without you?" She squeezed her eyes shut, and felt tears roll down her cheeks.
Ben stroked her hair, "We will do the best we can, love. This is all temporary. You will see. I will come for you."
Felicity sniffled again and blinked in an attempt to clear her eyes. Ben was right. She had said goodbye to him once before as he went off to enlist, and now she would do it again. This time there were obvious differences, of course, but Ben was not heading off to uncertain doom like before.
Right?
The two of them rested together, wrapped in each others' arms for several more minutes, before Felicity was alarmed to realize that she was drifting off. Not wanting to fall asleep completely and be caught, she quietly slipped out of Ben's arms. He didn't react, and she saw that he was fast asleep. Felicity figured that his heavy sleep likely came from the fact that he was still healing from his injuries. She watched him a moment more, trying to soak in every last detail of his face. As she finally turned to leave, she had to will herself not to cry. He will come for me, and there will be a better tomorrow. She repeated to herself.
The calm mask she forced upon herself manifested as numbness, which carried over into the next day. Looking back, Felicity only could pick out vague memories of Ben's parents arriving to take him home. Her father greeting Samuel Davidson fondly, Ingrid Davidson embracing Felicity and telling her that Ben will be well-taken care of, Ben carefully kneeling down to say good bye to Polly, and finally, the wordless goodbye the two of them exchanged under the watchful, prying gaze of everyone.
Felicity watched through the window as the Davidson's carriage pulled way, until they were out of sight. She looked behind her, and tried not to imagine the walls of her own home closing in on her.
….
Author's notes:
1) I'm sorry about the length of time it took to write this. There were several important conversations here that I got rather nitpicky about. I wanted to make sure that everyone involved here (Ben, Felicity, Edward, and Martha) all were coming from a reasonable perspective.
2) Next up, there will be letters.