Our time in Wakanda had shortly ended after that curious morning I found them sitting together in Steve's room.

The scientist ran a few more tests that day with James's new arm, with which they were more than satisfied so they let us go two days later. Of course, they warned me to keep him under check and if I experience anything at all, I should just give them a call about it. It felt good to know that I have them as a safety net in case something goes sideways. And trust me, I knew it was bound to go sideways at one point.

Almost immediately after we got home I got to work. I needed to distract myself from them, I needed space. I got scared and I got angry at myself for feeling so. I was the one who wanted them to share, to be okay with all of this and suddenly I am the one who's not okay. I stayed in my room and had the team furnish another for James, telling him I don't think it's fair to Steve if we sleep together anymore. I also avoided all his attempts to lure me into his bed again using Steve as an excuse once again. I knew I was pushing him away and it was even worse with the blonde man. I tried to minimize any contact with him and blame it on the work.

I was trying to install and figure out the programming of the hypnosis machine I salvaged from the HYDRA facility, but there was only so much time I could waste with it before I eventually had to get the subject of the experiment into the research too.

I clicked the button on the voice recorder and set it down next to my computer.

- It's gonna be like old times - I promised turning to James sitting before me, looking up at me, though I wasn't sure of it at all. - I will activate the Soldier like Zemo did. You may loose consciousness for the time being, but I will try to get the program to trigger some memories about your training. He will not hurt me and if he tries, Steve and Sam are here to stop you. Him - I corrected nervously. He reached out and took my hand.

- I trust you, baby, I know I'm in the best care possible - he smiled, making me even more anxious. I carefully withdrew my hand from his grip as he leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes taking a deep breath.

- You will come back to me - I said quietly needing the reassurance of the words more myself than he did as I took the photocopy of the corresponding page of the Red Book. I cleared my throat and tried to not look at Steve or James. - Longing. Rusted. Seventeen. Daybreak - I said the words slowly in Russian. I was practicing the phrases for hours to dust off my Russian the night before. His quickening breath, the accelerating beeping of the machines he was put on made me pause.

- Continue on, Kate - he said through his gritted teeth. He was determined to go through with it, his hands grabbing the armrests of the chair, bracing himself.

- Furnace. Nine. Benign. - my voice trembled as he cried out for the first time, but I pushed myself to keep going. - Homecoming. One. Freight Car - I uttered the last word, but as the last syllable left my lips not only James, but I myself felt changed. I felt in charge but was also aware of the danger I was facing. I was the little girl with the pet tiger again as I looked down at him, who was staring into the emptiness. - Soldat? - I prompted and he lifted his gaze to my face.

- Ready to comply - he said steadily in perfect Russian.

- Do you remember your name? - he shook his head. - Do you remember me? - he peers up again and nods. - What's my name?

- Dr. Denham - he replies and I slap him across the face for it. I sense Steve move behind me, but he doesn't interfere. - Katerina - he corrects.

- Good - I switched to English. - How would you like to continue, Soldier? - I ask, taking a few steps back towards my desk to pick up my notepad. He stands behind me and comes after me, his movement completely different from James's as he rips the sensors off his skin. Now it's Sam stepping closer and we both look at him. I wave him away with my hand and as he retreats eyeing us with a serious expression, James reaches out for me and I face him. His fingers sneak past the white wings of my lab coat and under the hem of my shirt. He pulls me close maintaining eye contact. Even being unaware his own personality, his gaze softens as he looks down on me. I rest both my palms on his forearms as he leans in, ready to push him away if he tries to hurt me, but instead, he kisses my forehead.

- How do you feel, Soldier? Tell me what you are thinking - I say quietly, but he just shakes his head. - Tell me with words.

- No - he says simply.

- I want you to tell me how you're feeling, Soldier

- I step back and grab his chin to turn him to face me.

- No - he objects me once more, furrowing his brows annoyed.

- You shouldn't be able to deny me - I mimic his expression. He shoves me away by my shoulder, stepping back, reaching for his dark tresses nervous now. His body language is turning defensive, his eyes don't follow me anymore, they trace the floor. I quickly hush my annoyance and go after him. - But it's okay, James, it's okay, come here - I call him gently now, but he's lost, he doesn't hear me or he doesn't want to listen. I touch his arm, making him look at my hand, but not my face. I cup his cheek to tilt his head again. - Look at me, baby, it's okay, I'm not upset anymore, you are good, just come here - I extend my arms to pull him down into a hug and he lets me, giving me the chance to stab the sedative in the side of his neck. He tries to jerk away but immediately relaxes in my arms. Sam catches him before his weight would push me to the floor and I head to the recorder, lifting it to my mouth, ignoring Steve running up to me.

- Session one. Duration around 10 minutes. Unsuccessful. Subject refuses to comply when being asked questions regarding feelings or personal details. Possibly his access to these answers are limited or non-existent. In light of this, questions and process have to be revised and adjusted. Further investigation of boundaries is highly requested to find out how far his programming goes - I click the button to stop the recording and the minute it does, Steve grabs my arm.

- What was that? - he questions nervously.

- A weak start - I answer plainly, not looking him in the eye.

- He could have snapped if that sedative is not strong enough. And that slap? What was that? - he demands answers pulling me closer when I try to jerk out of his grip.

- A reminder - I reply glaring at him. - I taught him to use my first name when addressing me, I was supposed to be his partner, not some doctor he could ignore. He tried to disregard me to see if I tiptoe around him still. I don't. It was a test, he needs an authoritative figure to guide him, to bark orders at him, this is what he was trained to do. If we don't give him clear orders he gets unstable, you saw that. When I ask irrelevant questions, when I ask something that has nothing to do with killing, of some kind of mission he is useless, he's separated from that part of his memory, of his brain, he obviously got confused because he couldn't comply which is incompatible with his program.

- Then how could you get him attached to you before? Before Triskelion?

- That was physical triggering, basic human instinct, a reminder to allow himself to feel that very basic belonging. It took a long time to get myself to embed into his mind, but it does not mean he can remember it forever, that it will stay inside that limited space where the information he can access as the Winter Soldier is kept - The confusion on his face made it obvious that he didn't quite get what I was talking about. - Okay - I sighed trying to tone it down a little for him. - Imagine Bucky's mind as an infinite space where all his memories, thoughts, instincts, persona, everything he is is stored. In this infinite space, there is a room which is assigned for the Winter Soldier. When James is activated as the Soldier, it's like he's put into that room, locked from the outside. He can work only with the information and stuff that was put in the room for him during his programming or somehow sneaked inside, like I sneaked my memory into his brain, nothing more. Sometimes there was information from one mission stuck in the room that was not needed there anymore getting the room crowded or some stuff from outside the room got inside and made him curious about the other side of the door, upsetting him. That was when HYDRA brought in the memory suppressing machine, to clean out irrelevant information from the room before they put him in there again. But since it was a while since he was wiped last time, the room filled up and it was hard for him to place me maybe. But it seems I am still in that room since he didn't harm me, our connection is still intact. I can work with that.

- How? - he asks, still processing my metaphor. The way he furrows his eyebrows in concentration does things to my aching body, but I try to focus on explaining my plans.

- I just have to get him to describe the room to me. I need to know where the walls are, where the door is to break it down for good. I need to find the borders of the hypnosis and then redefine them, push them out as much as I can, until it ceases to exist.

- It sounds very… abstract - he frowned at me.

- Well it is, it's all quite flexible and uncertain at this stage. It's going to be long and hard. And I will probably mess up more times than I should in the process, but let's just hope it will be worth it - I sighed, smiling at him.

- Okay - he agrees, then he tries to say something else but Sam interrupts him.

- Guys, he's waking up - he calls from the other side of the room where we set up the "Rehab" with a military style hospital bed with upgraded confines in case he has trouble with readjusting, but fortunately, there was no struggle against the metal bands, he woke up gradually and calmly.

- Hey, stranger, everything okay? - I asked gently taking his wrist to feel his pulse. It was slow and steady, promising.

- What was this? - he asks slowly looking at me.

- First round. Proved some of my hypothesizes.

- Such as? - he peered up at me like he cared.

- Such as there is still hope you can be unfucked.

- Unfucked? - he chuckled weakly.

- How did my mother die? - I looked at him serious now. This was kind of a security question that we agreed on for occasions I couldn't decide if he was himself or not.

- She didn't, at least you don't know if she's still alive, you never knew her - he answered gently and I push the button to release him from the confines.

- Do you remember everything that just happened?

- Yeah, Katerina, too damn well actually - he reached up to touch his cheek where I hit him before. - Natasha really taught you how to hit.

- I learned from the best - I grinned. - But now, back to square one. Can you go again?

- Again? - he looked at me a bit shocked as he sat up.

- Well, this was just the warm-up - I shrugged. - Why? Are you hurt? Do you feel something odd?

- No, I just… I don't think it's a good idea to do this again and again - he suggested cautiously. - Take a short break, maybe tell me what's your plan here?

- That's a good idea, let's take a break - Steve added helping Bucky up from the bed. - Beer?

- You know just what I need, bud - he chuckled all smiley now, but I was fixed on getting things done.

- I don't think it's a good idea to get the Soldier drunk, we have work to do - I stopped them on their way out, annoyed. - So keep that beer alcohol free and very brief, would you?

- We are both superhumans, remember, Kate? We don't get drunk - Steve smirked at me over his shoulder. They both laughed at me as they exited. I was happy to see them together, but I wasn't completely overjoyed about the jokes they played on me. I blamed the frustration of all of us.

It was obvious that the way I kept my distance drove them both crazy, but it started to go a little too far now and I knew that I should do something about it. I just couldn't decide what.

- They sure seem happy for two dogs chewing the same toy - Sam said behind me, making me jump a little. I almost forgot he was standing there as the boys went out. His tone wasn't really offensive, he was joking, but I still felt a little sting in the way he said it.

- Well, they are at least on the same page. The toy? Not so sure how to handle the situation - I sighed sitting down on the bed James just left.

- Maybe stop running? - he suggested coming closer, his voice and posture a little softer now. We never really had a one on one talk with Sam before and I wasn't sure how he saw our… well, quite a unique situation.

- Then what? - I looked at him tiredly. - If I stop running… I don't know, Sam. I don't really know how to manage this.

- Well, if you can't think of a solution maybe you should stop thinking. What do you think, how do we survive on the battlefield? We think through the possible solutions, analyze them and pick the best one and execute it? Hell, no - he shook his head. - Love is a battlefield too and there is not much thinking there, you just do what you can, what feels natural, what seems best. Do we always make the right move? No. Do we not make mistakes? Sure we do, but there is no other way than doing it over and over and hope we made the right choice - he shrugged as he sat down next to me. - You made a choice, they accepted it, but that's not the end, you have to go ahead and keep making choices every day. First and foremost if you really want them like this. And if you do, stop thinking, stop waiting, just get in there and kick their asses. Especially that long-haired, metal-armed bastard - he grinned at me.

- Wow - I smiled back surprised. - Who would have thought that the Falcon gives the best advice on bloody love-triangles? - I joked.

- I know, I have many hidden talents, no need to thank me - he mocked modesty. - Seriously, though, stop waiting, cause I don't know about Bucky, but Steve has no chill when it comes to you. He has no clue how to talk to a woman under normal circumstances, not to mention this hot mess you are living in now, but I assure you he wants this to work more than anything. Ask Nat for details, she's his psychiatrist, but even as his friend I can see that he wants it bad.

- I want it bad too, it's not that. I just… I don't want to hurt them.

- Well, even if you do, you can always apologize… - he offered. - It's better to try and make them happy and sometimes hurt them a little than not doing anything and still hurt them. It's all about balance, you see - I chuckled. - I sound like one of those life-coaching books, right? - he looked over at me and I nodded letting my laugh out. - Hilarious - he joined in.

- Yeah, but actually, I think you are right. I mean, thank you, you might just given me an idea of something that could help.

I just needed to get Steve alone. We haven't really talked about us since Bucky woke up and a little one-on-one was definitely due with him too. I had the talk with James, but not with him and I wanted to know what they have discussed too. I was sure it would be a hundred times easier to get straight answers and full honesty from the captain than my soldier who was a master of bullshitting, so when the boys returned interrupting our little talk with Sam I had a plan already taking shape in my mind.

- How are you feeling, darling? - I stood and walked over to James, turning back on my way to give a thankful smile to Sam. He winked at me reassuringly.

- Bit better, ready to go if you still want to - he replied as I sneaked my hand up on his forearm to rest it on his biceps.

- Actually, I changed my mind, I was rushing this all a little, I realize now - I admitted it. - Maybe we can take out time, continue tomorrow? I think I have to go to the library, get some more files from the HYDRA archives, you wanna come? - I looked over to Steve addressing both of them. I knew James will never come to the library with me, but with Steve, it was kind of our thing. I pleaded with my eyes silently for him to join.

- I think I'll pass today, but you have fun - James answered just how I expected. - Maybe when you come back we can try again? - he offered. I gave him a peck on the cheek.

- Eager to please me, are we, soldier? - I teased him. - Maybe you could go work this arm a little more in the gym in the afternoon - I smoothed my fingers over his metal limb looking into his eyes suggestively.

- Sounds like a plan - he winked at me, his gorgeous lips spreading into a smirk as he kissed my cheek gently looking over to Steve. - Why don't you go with Kate to the library, you just said that you ran out of reading material.

- I was having the same idea, actually - Steve agreed thoughtfully and as Bucky led me towards the door asking me to show him the gym I caught his gaze lingering on me questioningly. I blew him a kiss and laughed at him as Sam offered to train with James while we are gone. They quickly got into a fight over who will kick who's ass, but all I could think about what I will be spending my afternoon with.

We usually went to the library by public transportation, we took the bus since the nearest was just a few stops away the road was easily passed by with small talk, so I didn't have to immediately bring up what I wanted to talk about to him. We talked about the weather, how James was settling in and the fact that Nat and Wanda just went on their first very own mission together.

The library itself was quite old and not so busy, perfect for a quiet afternoon or if you wanted to hack worldwide criminal organizations. The librarian, a mid-aged man already greeted us like old friends which made me think that we should probably switch libraries just to be safe. No one wanted to get busted because of going to the same library every week.

We split up shortly after browsing through the weekly recommendations section together, Steve heading to the documentaries and history books while I sat down to one of the PC-s like I usually did. I got into the archives easily now and toyed around for like 10 minutes then stood and went after him.

The history section is usually not the busiest part of any library, but since this library was not even popular or big enough to have people lurking around pointlessly, 3 or 4 rows of books were totally abandoned before I reached the one Steve was standing in.

- Done already? - he asked looking up from the book he was going through. He put his index finger on the page as a bookmark before he closed it to show me the cover. - Look, they have a book about me - he smiled. He was pictured in his old uniform there with the rest of the Howling Commando. Bucky had his signature smile on too of course and his flesh and bone left arm holding a large gun in a real badass way. I stepped closer to him and took the book from his hands like I wanted to read into it, but I only opened it to check the page number. - I haven't seen it before, but there is a full chapter about Bucky and me here, I'll take this, maybe it could… - he trailed off as I put it down next to us and reached up to circle my arms around his neck, bringing him down to kiss him. My heart beat in my throat and I felt he was surprised at first, but as I asked for entrance to his mouth, he relaxed slowly; his lips parted for me and his arms came around my waist to hold me against him, gently, carefully embracing me.

- What are we doing, Kate? - he asked in a husky voice as we parted to get some air, not giving any sign of wanting to let me go.

- Taking the time we have alone - I breathed onto his lips before I bit down on the lower one to coax a quiet moan from him. I wanted to do that for a long time and his reaction made it well worth it. - I just can't take it anymore - I confessed quietly.

- What? - he asked back confused, cupping my cheek with his large palm, leaning against the wall behind him, pulling me with him. - What is it you can't take?

- The distance, the way I have to keep away from both of you so no one gets hurt - I started out. - , I've had enough. I want to be with you, Steve, and I want to be with James, I don't want to sleep alone at night, I don't want to hide away like this like I'm cheating on him. I just feel that I always have to choose one of you over the other and I don't want to, don't expect me to keep choosing between you, I want you both to choose me! I need someone to take charge to make the decisions now because I can't do it alone anymore, I'm just trapped. I tried to take care of both of you, but I just hurt you more; I can't do it all alone, I need you to take charge and say and take what you want and don't apologize to anyone for doing so, Steve, I need you both to decide if you want me and act on it - I demanded fisting his navy blue t-shirt, the words tearing the places open inside me, where I crammed my feelings into for so long. Sam made me realize that if I can't control it anymore, I have to give it up, give it away, I have to let go of saving the world, of solving this all alone and trust them finally with my whole being, letting them control me.

- Do you really want me to do what I want? - he tilted my head so we faced each other. In his eyes, I saw the wildness appear again and even in the dim shadows of the high shelves around us, a spark of danger shone in them that made me more curious than anything, that I knew was there because of me, just for me. - Do you really want us to be in charge? Do you really want me to take what I want, to let go of the restraint I attested? Because once I let go, I feel I won't be able to stop myself, Kate - his low voice trembled with tension, his hands holding me so still I knew this is as serious a question as it can be. - Because I either keep holding back for both of your sakes or I let go, but when I do there will be no going back, I'll be yours and you'll be mine and I will not play games anymore, I will not hide away, not even for Buck. Do you understand what I'm saying, Kate?

I felt the air he breathed out as he spoke spread out on the side of my cheek and I inhaled the smell of his familiar soap, fresh and crisp like he just stepped out under the shower and felt his heart beating fast under my hand still knotted in his t-shirt. His closeness, his voice all clouded my mind, he hypnotized me almost, but I had to think of James too. I will have to tell him the new rules too. He gave me all the control when he told me, he couldn't leave me, even if he wanted to, but I wasn't going to betray his trust like this. He had to know that I gave in, that I'm about to submit myself to the both of them before I said the words out.

- Yes - I finally spoke as I was looking at his broad chest rising and fall as he breathed under my hand, against me, I felt his muscles move with every passing second, how his body sang to me about the sweet love he would be making to me. - And I want all of that - I cleared my throat trying to drag myself out under his spell. - I don't want you to hold back anymore, I really want you to have what you want and I am willing to give everything I have to offer…

I was cut off by his lips crashing against mine before I could add the part with the "but". He was devouring me, like the first time, and it really felt like drawing the first breath after holding back for so long and when we parted I wanted him more ever.

- We really need to sit down and talk about this, all three of us - he breathed out finally breaking the silence as he ran his fingers through his locks. - God, I want you - he sighed almost pained as he looked at me again. He brought me into yet another kiss, then pulled away a little to collect himself. He took a few steps away, turning his back on me, inhaling deeply.

I felt cold without him.

- What would you do to me, if… you could? - I asked quietly, my voice wavering with excitement. I knew I was playing with fire, but I couldn't help it. He turned a little to look at me. His gaze alone was enough to warm me up again and this time, instead of guilt I felt a more pleasurable tension building in my body.

- First of all - he started keeping his eyes on me. - I would take you against that wall, right here - he motioned behind me. I bit my lip feeling the cold concrete press to my heated skin, pictures flashing in my mind. - Would you like that, Kate? - I nodded trying not to seem too eager, but I knew I must be blushing so hard he knows full well how I'm feeling about his words. He took a step towards me, not letting go of my gaze for a single second. He reminded me of some kind of predator circling his prey and his little mischievous smile did nothing to go against that impression. - Then... I would take you home and put you in my bed for the weekend and make you call my name over and over and over - he rolled the words off his tongue sinfully slow, taking a step towards me with each one, finally standing right in front of me again. - just like He did in Wakanda, so he would know that you belong to me too now, that I can make you feel just as good as he can - he ran his hand up on my side to curl his fingers into my hair, pulling at it, making my neck arch so I would look up at him, breathless and willing, as he whispered into my face once more. - Would you like that, Kate?