Disclaimer: I still don't own HIMYM.
A/N: I am so, so sorry for taking so long to get this chapter up! I won't go into detail, but I have been extremely busy and dealing with assorted family issues. But hey, at least I managed to update two days before the month-mark passed, right?
Tag to 8x04: "Who Wants to Be a Godparent?"
Chapter Ten: Abandonment Issues
Dear Diary,
I found out at lunch today that there was a double-homicide on the block where Marshall and Lily live. So this evening, I gave their apartment a ring. I mean, I was pretty sure that they were OK – they would have appeared in the news story if they weren't – but it never hurts to double-check, right? And I figured a possible life-or-death incident qualified as an 8 or higher on their scale. But get this: Mickey was the one who answered the phone. That's right; he's screening all of their home-coming calls and determines which are important enough to pass on to his "employers." Jerk. And apparently this call wasn't important enough since he could answer the question himself. (Answer: They're fine.) And I suppose Mickey is technically right; I didn't need to speak to Marshall or Lily. Only… it would have been nice, you know? Reassuring.
Whatever.
- Robin
P.S. Oh, and guess what? Nick has a motorcycle. A motorcycle. Why hasn't he mentioned this before? I mean, seriously, what's not to like? A leather-clad guy pressed against you, the wind in your hair, the steady thrum of a powerful engine between your thighs… Well, it's one hell of a turn on. Anyway, he's promised to take me for a ride on it next week. I can hardly wait.
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Dear Diary,
Patrice has been getting clingier at work lately. She's kind of scaring me, to be frank. On my way in to work, she cornered me in the elevator and hugged me so tightly that I thought I was going to pass out. Her high-pitched squealing didn't help either. …I think I'm going to try to avoid her for a while. Wish me luck.
In other news, I got an honest-to-god invitation in the mail today from Marshall and Lily. They're going to ditch Marvin with Mickey for the night and join us at McLaren's on Friday. Not gonna lie, I'm pretty excited. I mean, when was the last time we actually saw Lily and Marshall together anywhere outside of their apartment? Four months ago? Six? It's been a ridiculously long time, anyway.
I haven't seen Barney conducting any wild Bangtoberfest-y schemes at McLaren's lately. Which is kinda weird. Maybe he's decided to make McLaren's a Bangtoberfest-free zone? I dunno. I think he's having a tough time getting over Quinn. Not that he'd say as much to any of us, of course, but… when he thinks no one's watching, his smile slips straight off his face and his eyes – his eyes look so sad. I just don't know how to help him, y'know? It sucks.
- Robin
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Dear Diary,
Well that was a major let-down. Remember how I was looking forward to riding Nick's motorcycle? How I said that that bike's motor would get my motor going? Yeah. Nick's motorcycle turned out to be an ethanol-powered scooter. And to think I got out my black leather catsuit for that. Psssh.
Still, at least there's Friday night at McLaren's to look forward to.
- Robin
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Dear Diary,
Marshall and Lily ditched us after only being in McLaren's for two minutes. And when we pointed out that this was the first time we'd gotten to hang out with them in ages, Lily just bushed us off with a condescending "I promise we'll hang out soon." Yeah right. Don't get me wrong, I understand that they're busy. I understand that Marvin has to be their first priority. But… it feels like they're abandoning us. Like they don't care enough to even try to stay friends. It's… it's like Jessica all over again, OK? And it sucks.
- Robin
P.S. Apparently Victoria's dad is pressuring Ted into paying for the wedding between Klaus and Victoria that never happened. And, like the pushover he is, Ted is actually considering it.
P.P.S. Barney has a new booty-phone ringtone. It's actually kind of hilarious.
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Dear Diary,
Apparently Lily and Marshall almost got run over by a car after they left the bar last night, reminding them of their mortality. So now they're trying to decide who should be Marvin's guardian in the event of their premature deaths. Fun times.
Ted, of course, is insisting that as Marshall and Lily's "best friend of nearly 20 years" and "the most responsible adult of the group," he should be the one to get guardianship if that ever happens. Now don't get me wrong, Ted's a great guy in his own way. And someday he'll be a good dad. But he isn't ready to be a dad right now; he'd suffocate that poor kid. So I stepped up and volunteered myself as a potential guardian. I guess Barney must have had the same thought, 'cause he offered too – in his own inimitable way.
Anyway, just to show Marshall and Lily that I'm serious about this guardianship thing, I think I'm going to buy Marvin another gift. You know, so they can see that I know what's appropriate for a kid and all that jazz. But I'm going to go to Walmart or Target this time 'round. (As long as I have breath in my body, I will never darken the door of We B Babies again.)
- Robin
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Dear Diary,
I bought Marvin this adorable, plus-sized teddy bear. The kid's gonna love that thing. I can't wait to see his (and Lily and Marshall's faces).
- Robin
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Dear Diary,
I can't believe it! (Or maybe I can. I don't know which is worse.) Ted saw what I'd got Marvin and decided to buy the exact same bear for Marvin – only in the next size up. What a jerk! Well I'm not going to let him get away with this… I'm going back to the store, and this time I'm going to buy the biggest bear that they have in stock. See if you can top that, Mr. Mosby!
- Robin
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Dear Diary,
Well, I've finally figured out what Barney's been up to in his spare time. He's been writing a book about child-rearing called The Bro Code for Parents. Additionally, he's created a bunch of songs to sing to baby Marvin, among which are "Bro, Bro, Bro Your Boat," "Bro MacDonald," "The Boobs on the Bus," "Stripper in the Straw," "Bro, Bro, Boobies," "Little Bro Blue," and "Pop Goes the Cherry." …I don't know whether to be impressed, disturbed, amused, or depressed. I think I'll settle on 'all of the above.'
- Robin
P.S. "Bro, Bro, Bro Your Boat" is stuck in my head now, though. I have to admit, it's kinda catchy.
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Dear Diary,
Wow. This really is like Jessica all over again. What? Those aren't tear-stains. Don't be ridiculous. I just – it just – I'll –
Well, it's been an… interesting… night. Marshall invited us all up to their apartment where he'd set things up for a game of his own creation: "Who Wants to Be a Godparent?" (Seriously, I think he and Lily have been cooped up in the apartment for way too long. It's starting to affect their brains.)
(Also, I don't understand how they can find enough time to create hand-written cards and over-the-top games but can't find enough time to hang out with us at McLaren's every once in a while. Whatever.)
Anyway, he'd made up a big wheel with sections like "Our Demise," "The Birds and the Bees," "Discipline," "Tooth Fairy, Santa, and Bigfoot," "Bedtime Story," "Potty Training," "First Word," "First Heartbreak," and "Learning to Drive" as well as a "Daily Double."
He spun the wheel and then asked all of us "contestants" to answer a question from whatever category the wheel landed on. And the answers that Barney and Ted gave were alternately hilarious and disturbing. Mainly hilarious, though. For example: Barney's idea of punishing Marvin: take away his "$1,900 alligator skin belt" and replace it with a "disgusting reversible black-and-brown" one. Ted's idea of punishing Marvin: let him watch all the TV he wants and then take him out for ice cream with sprinkles. (A disciplinarian he is not.)
Only… I have to admit, my answers weren't much better. …I panicked, OK? And it's not like I have any experience with, y'know, normal parents and stuff. So whenever Marshall asked a question, I just… answered on autopilot, that's all. The way a slightly more toned-down version of my dad would have.
Yeah. I know.
I could hear myself, but it was like I couldn't stop talking.
It's probably a good thing I can't have kids. I'd screw them up even worse than my parents screwed me up, and that's saying something. Some – some mystical being or the universe or whatever probably realized that and decided to nip the problem in the bud. I should be grateful.
And… god, the whole night has brought back a lot of memories, OK? I can't even…
(I can still smell the burning rubber of my first pair of high heels, combined with the scents of oil and charred hunks of hair. And I can still taste that smoke, acrid and thick.)
I talked about some of this with Kevin, you know, back when I was in thera–
God, I'm so messed up.
(Maybe that's why Marshall and Lily don't have time for me anymore? 'Cause they're afraid that I'll, I dunno, infect Marvin or something?)
Anyway, towards the end of the game, Barney called Lily and Marshall out on neglecting us, and they proceeded to dump all of us as friends. I know that it probably means that they're good parents and shit, but I kind of hate Marshall and Lily right now. You'd think all those years of friendship would be worth something, but apparently blood trumps other bonds every time. Whatever.
And you know what, if having a kid means that that kid becomes the only important thing in your life, I guess it's a really good thing that I won't ever have kids. I could never do that.
I'm writing all of this in the McLaren's bathroom right now, because I needed to get it out, but Ted and Barney are waiting for me at our booth, so I should probably go join them before one (or both) of them comes looking for me.
I just have to say this, though: Barney's been having a really rough time lately; couldn't Marshall and Lily have waited just a little bit longer before dumping us? Give him some time to heal? Jerks.
OK, wrapping things up for now.
- Robin
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Dear Diary,
Huh.
Last night, Marshall and Lily showed up at the bar shortly after I had returned to the booth and apologized. Apparently Barney's outburst made them realize that they had been shitty friends lately and that "parenthood and friendships don't have to be mutually exclusive," so they revoked the 8 or Higher rule. We chatted and gossiped and closed down McLaren's with them. It was almost like old times again. It was… nice.
(Note of interest: Ted is actually planning on paying for Victoria and Klaus' wedding-that-wasn't. According to him, he and her dad have worked out a payment plan with "a very reasonable interest rate." Sucker.
Also? Barney slept with a 6. He never sleeps with anything lower than an 8 unless he's doing it for "charity" around the holiday season. This isn't normal.)
Then we all crashed in their apartment, only to be woken by Marvin's screaming at 5:13 AM. Ted and I took care of the kid and sent Lily and Marshall back to bed. Barney escaped out the door, lucky bastard. Marvin is pretty adorable, but not when he's crying at the top of his lungs and reeking of his own soupy poop. Ugh.
Anyway, I'm headed back to bed. I'm starting to understand why Marshall and Lily have been acting like zombies.
- Robin
P.S. I forgot to mention this last night, but Ted has created a puppet friend/teaching tool that he's named Professor Infosaurus. (I know, right?) It's the funniest thing I've seen in a while. And that rap he came up with to explain sex? Well, let's just say that it really makes me pity Ted's future kids. It was both lame and disturbing – a true accomplishment.
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Dear Diary,
It's stupid, but I keep finding myself watching everything Lily and Marshall say or do for signs that they're about to change their minds again. But let's face it, if they could dump us once, they could totally do it again. So I'll keep confiding in them about stupid little things like Nick's not-motorcycle, but I have no intention of discussing anything big with either of them for a long, long time. (Not that I have anything big to discuss, anyway, of course.)
And speaking of big things… Barney created a 'Broller' with a built-in camera that allows him to zoom in on the breasts of women who bend over the stroller to look at the imaginary baby within. I know I should find this offensive and demeaning and blah blah blah, but I'm just relieved that he seems to be getting back to normal.
- Robin
P.S. Patrice almost cornered me at work today. Fortunately, I'd already mapped out escape routes throughout the entire building, and was able to slip away. Good thing I'm a practiced laser tag strategist, huh?
[Warning: Ridiculously long and cracky review request section ahead.]
Imaginary!Barney: "Give me an 'R'!"
Imaginary!Ted: "Barney, this is stupid."
Imaginary!Barney: "Theodore Evelyn Mosby! Cheerleading is a time-honored profession and I will not have you denigrating it. Without cheerleaders, what would the average bro have to focus on during sports games? The actual game? Pfff. Show a little respect."
Imaginary!Ted: "I respect cheerleaders! ...I just don't respect myself when I act like a cheerleader."
Imaginary!Barney: "Are you saying that it's OK for women to be cheerleaders but not men? Ted, I'm shocked at your sexism. Shocked, I tell you!"
Imaginary!Ted: "That's not what I –"
Imaginary!Barney: "Besides, you lost a bet. Pay up."
Imaginary!Ted: "Fine."
Imaginary!Barney: "Excellent! Now: Give me an 'R'!"
Imaginary!Ted: "R."
Imaginary!Barney: "With enthusiasm, Ted!"
Imaginary!Ted: "R."
Imaginary!Barney: "Ted..."
Imaginary!Ted: "R!"
Imaginary!Barney: "Thank you. Give me an 'e'!"
Imaginary!Ted: "E!"
Imaginary!Barney: "Give me a 'V'!"
Imaginary!Ted: "V!"
Imaginary!Barney: "Give me an 'I'!"
Imaginary!Ted: "I!"
Imaginary!Barney: "Give me an 'E'!"
Imaginary!Ted: "E!"
Imaginary!Barney: "Give me a 'W'!"
Imaginary!Ted: "W!"
Imaginary!Barney: "What does it spell?!"
Imaginary!Ted: "Review!"