Vash the Stampede Field Test.
"He's going to have to get a new coat. The sunglasses can stay, but the coat has to go," Alucard said to Integra Hellsing as they both stood on a large scaffold overlooking the maze-like shooting range bellow.
"Why? You didn't have a problem with the older Elric brother having a red coat," Integra said looking off towards the barracks as Vash the Stampede came out, escorted by Seras Victoria. The two had spending far too much time with one another for Integra's liking and she frowned upon seeing them together.
"Elric didn't have sunglasses, nor did he use a gun," Alucard said darkly.
"Actually, he seems to have taken to gun use, almost as much as Saotome," Integra said.
"You know what I'm getting at," Alucard said. "Put a hat on him and he's basically me."
Integra rolled her eyes. "Just continue killing people without any sense of remorse and you'll be different enough."
Alucard turned away and sneered. Vash and Seras stopped in front of the entrance to the testing site and looked up towards Integra for instructions. Integra cleared her throat, "Seeing as how you've brought your own gun, we'll be allowing you to use that," she said loudly to Vash. "You know the drill, there's targets in the maze, aim for the head and the heart, do well and you pass, blah, blah, blah."
"Sounds easy enough," Vash said drawing his gun and checking to make sure it was loaded.
"Right, get going," Integra shouted.
"Good luck!" Seras said, patting Vash on the back. He winked at her and entered the shooting range spinning his gun on his finger.
"Show-off," Alucard muttered.
Anything Vash had done to irritate Integra in the past three days was nearly erased by his performance. All of his shots hit the head or the heart of the targets; sometimes Vash didn't bother to stop in front of a door before firing. He hit them on the run, sometimes using the ricochet to make the shot. Even Alucard looked slightly impressed. "Well, he's hired, that's for sure," Integra said sounding as pleased as she ever did. "From here on out, we're just seeing the extent of what he can do."
"Is this my cue?" Alucard asked. Vash had nearly reached the center of the maze, the room containing a straight hallway to the exit.
"Yes. Don't kill or maim him beyond repair. He's too valuable."
"Oh please, he's just a…" Alucard stopped mid sentence and turned his head toward the south. At first, Integra thought he looked puzzled but when a faint look of amusement twisted the corners of his mouth up, she felt her stomach get heavy.
Dear lord, what is it this time? Last time he had that look we were all nearly eaten by freaks, she thought. "What is it?"
"I sense something. This could be fun," Alucard said, fading into a shadow on the floor and disappearing.
"Damn. Fun for him usually means paperwork and dead employees for me," Integra cupped her hands over her mouth, "That's enough! Get out here now! It's time to go to work!" she shouted towards Vash. "Seras! Look alive!" she bolted down the stairs to the scaffold and headed towards the main part of the mansion where she would likely find Walter. She needed a gun and a sword.
Vash joined Seras just in time for Alucard to materialize next to her. At some point during his shadowy journey from the scaffold to the ground he had retrieved her Halconnen cannon. "Here," he said handing it to Seras. She looked sullen as she grabbed it.
"What's this for? Where did Sir Integra go?" Seras asked.
"You'd know if you'd drink that blood. You'd be able to sense what I sense," Alucard said calmly, as though he had been over this many times.
"What is it you're sensing?" Vash said scanning the southern horizon.
The thumping drone of a helicopter filled their ears as a small black dot appeared on the horizon, getting steadily larger as it drew closer. "Should I shoot it down?" Seras asked.
"Probably. But let it come. It's been a while since we've had a good fight, and besides, I think this is a good time to test Mr. Stampede's true capabilities," Alucard said grinning.
"Uh, you guys can call me Vash. Stampede isn't exactly a term of endearment…" Vash complained.
The helicopter stopped just past the tree-line, over a grassy field that lay between the Hellsing manor and the forest. The trio could see two ropes fall from the helicopter, followed by two figures repelling down onto the ground. After dusting themselves off and pointing towards the mansion, they began to walk ominously towards the testing field. "Crap," Vash said upon recognizing the large crucifix slung across the back of one of the dark figures.
"Oh look, it IS Anderson," Alucard said happily. "I knew this day would come," he said drawing his Jackal.
Seras swallowed hard. "A-Anderson?" her voice cracked. "Paladin Anderson?"
"No, Louie Anderson," Alucard said with disdain.
Vash was looking puzzled. "Someone you know?"
"We've met before yes…the one with the big cross is a new one to me however," Alucard said.
Vash sighed. "I know him. He's an old friend of mine."
The two newcomers stopped fifty yards from them. Anderson pushed his glasses up and drew two bayonets from his long coat. He had a large sneering grin on his face to match Alucard's. Wolfwood was looking stoic, his sunglasses reflecting the scene before him, his cigarette broken as usual.
"It's a great day to be out killing heathens and demons, wouldn't you say Wolfwood?" Anderson said.
Wolfwood raised an eyebrow. "Uh, that wasn't our mission."
Anderson snorted. "That's always our mission. Even if we are her to collect the bounty on this Vash the Stampede, our mission is always the killing of demons and heathens."
Wolfwood coughed, "Yeah, alright fine." Wolfwood pulled a strap on his crucifix, the white cloth fell away revealing a huge, cross-shaped gun.
Vash and Alucard exchanged looks. "A bounty? How much?" Alucard said, amused.
"Uh, I think it's up to…60,000,000 double dollars," Vash said meekly.
"Double dollars?" Seras said, looking confused. "What's a double dollar? Is that like…two dollars?" She looked at Vash with wide eyes. "So you're worth $120,000,000! Master, why don't we turn him in for the bounty?"
"Hey! I thought we were friends!" Vash shouted.
"Well, we are, but out mission costs such an awful lot of money and…" Seras was cut off by a bayonet as it pierced her throat. She gurgled and gagged, dropping her cannon to pull the bayonet out.
Alucard and Anderson both began to move. Anderson made to stab Alucard with his bayonets, while the vampire dodged, trying to get a good shot with his gun. That left Vash and Wolfwood. "How'd you hook up with these guys? They're a bit intense don't you think?" Vash said to Wolfwood.
Wolfwood looked at Seras as she choked on her own blood, behind her, Alucard had two bayonets sticking out of him, while Anderson was favoring his left leg, which was a bloody ruin. Wolfwood shrugged. "Maybe a little."
"Well then why are you working for them?" Vash asked as he ducked a stray bayonet.
"I'm a priest, so I thought I should try to act more like it," Wolfwood said aiming his gun at Vash.
"More like a priest? I don't think these guys are shining examples of priesthood," Vash said drawing his own gun.
"I've seen worse," Wolfwood said firing off a volley at Vash. Vash leapt to the side and returned fire, aiming to damage Wolfwood's gun.
"Isn't there an orphanage or a soup kitchen somewhere you could work in? Why do you have to come over here and shoot at me?" Vash asked running behind the scaffolding for cover.
Wolfwood crouched next to the testing maze wall. "Enough about me," Wolfwood shouted. "What are you doing with these guys? What happened to love and peace? These guys are anything but."
"Aren't you the one who is always telling me I'm too naïve?" Vash shouted as he ducked under a rain of Wolfwood's bullets that slipped past the supports of the scaffold. "Working here is just what I need!"
"Oh yeah?" Wolfwood said as one of Vash's bullets raised a clump of dirt next to him. "What about your killing phobia? You do know that these people work to kill vampires?"
"Ha! Trick question. Vampires are already dead and thus, cannot be killed," Vash said as he bolted for the barracks, firing at Wolfwood to cover himself.
Anderson saw him move from the corner of his eye. Hmm, accomplish my assignment…fight with vampire…mission…vampire…vampire…mission… "Wolfwood! I'll hold this one off, you get the target!"
Wolfwood rolled his eyes and ran towards the barracks, leaping over Seras' twitching body as he ran. Vash had entered the barracks, meaning that Wolfwood didn't dare charge through the door. "Come on Vash, quit screwing around. The money will go to poor people, I swear it," he shouted into the barracks.
Bullet holes appeared in the door in reply. Wolfwood cursed when he realized the shots had come from behind him. He turned to see Integra Hellsing standing behind him holding a revolver. "I've had just about enough of you Iscariot types killing my employees. Drop your weapon or suffer the consequences," she said coldly.
Wolfwood looked past Integra to see Anderson completely enthralled with his own battle. "Some backup," Wolfwood muttered.
Integra smiled. "He's a shining example of what Iscariot has to offer. Too wrapped up in their own fanatical obsessions to watch their comrades back."
"Give it up Wolfwood!" Vash shouted from inside. "Just run. She's really, really scary!"
Wolfwood leveled his weapon at Integra. Her face remained a blank as she held her weapon steady. His finger found the trigger and slowly began to squeeze. What the hell am I doing? Hunting Vash, shooting at women, this is crazy. He lowered the gun. "Anderson!" he shouted. "We're gone!"
"What?" Anderson shouted back as he ducked a bullet fired by Alucard. "No we're not!"
"Yes we…"
Wolfwood was cut off by Vash's screaming.
"What's the matter with him?" Integra said.
Wolfwood turned towards the door, "Vash, what is it?"
"Uh, nothing! Don't come in here. Just, uh, just run. Run away as fast as you can," Vash said, sounding worried.
"What the hell is the matter with him?" Integra said sounding annoyed. Alucard and Anderson stopped fighting, their attention had been grabbed. Even a wounded Seras managed to look up.
Wolfwood was getting a bad feeling in his stomach. The feeling intensified when a radiant light began to shine through the bullet holes in the door and through the windows of the barracks. Wolfwood kicked down the door just in time to see that Vash's arm had turned into a large, plant-like energy cannon. Wolfwood backed up slowly, shutting the door behind him. Integra, Anderson, Alucard and Seras were all looking at him. "Should we run?" Seras managed to say despite her throat wound.
Wolfwood pluck another cigarette out of a pack in his pocket and lit it. "Don't bother."
A blinding light followed by a horrendous sound filled their reality, making all of creation nothing but heat and light. When the dust settled, the barracks was gone and the testing site was in ruins along with a wing of the Hellsing mansion. After the dust had settled, the six of them staggered back to the mansion's main kitchen, where Walter had prepared tea for them all.
"Well that was pointless," Anderson said putting down his cup.
"Maxwell is going to be pissed," Wolfwood said.
"Good. Let him be pissed," Integra muttered.
Seras took a sip of tea and cursed as it poured down her shirt, via the hole in her throat caused by Anderson's bayonet.
"You don't have a black coat that you could wear or anything, do you?" Alucard asked Vash.
Vash was crying into his tea. "I don't know what happened. The arm just…did that."
End Vash the Stampede Field Exam.