Rukia wiped her tears away, but not before Ichigo saw them roll down her cheeks. His chest hollowed and a numbness coiled violently in the pit of his stomach before exploding in a million different directions throughout his body. He felt like he was floating in the middle of a dark void with gravity pulling him in a million different directions. He was stuck, paralyzed by something far worse than his impotence; his capacity to inflict pain, the fact that he chose (for his own peace of mind) to confront her with a painful truth.

Somehow, he thought that was the right thing to do.

What was he expecting? That she laugh it off and they resume their stupid, irresponsible exploration of each other's bodies? Did he really think that she wouldn't be utterly disgusted by what she's learned, when he himself could hardly look at his own reflection in the mirror anymore?

Yes.

Yes, he had expected her to totally accept his vague confession and move on, forward with him because he wanted to be with her. Rukia was fun to be around, and he assumed that she didn't know anything about him. Therefore, he didn't feel like she was constantly judging him, examining him under a moral microscope. She was fun to be around, which was why he wanted to be around her all the time. He found in her a woman that Orihime could never become; strong, understanding, and devoid of any manipulation. With Rukia, he felt liberated from the burdensome chains of his history. Yet now, he had burdened her with one of those chains.

Deep inside, he knew exactly what he was doing when he chose to tell her the truth. Yes, he had placed unrealistic expectations on her with just a glimmer of hope that these dreams would bear fruit. But he knew what he was doing. He knew that he had opened up the opportunity for her to hate him.

Now, as she glared at him with burning anger, he felt a euphoric sense of relief.

He hated himself for his naivety. Why would anyone, especially a stranger with no obligation to forgive him like Rukia, ever accept him for what he is? Surely this attractive illusion glossed over by her pretty eyes or silky hair was ugly, horrifying underneath the embellishment of their unexplainable chemistry. Rukia was still a human being, and she therefore had the ability to crush him if she wanted to. Why would she ever love him? Him, an insignificant teenage boy who always got into fights and who had a knack for standing out in all the worst possible ways.

I'm fucking disgusting.

In the end (is this the end?) he was oddly comforted by Rukia joining the ranks of the rest of society; hating him, ostracizing him, wanting him as far away from the communal whole as possible. She, like the rest, could be predictable and thus not special because his special people always ended up being torn away from him in the most gruesome ways.

'Hey...' Kaien approached an expressionless Ichigo, who was only nine years of age. 'Hey, little man...' Kaien wrapped his arms around Ichigo's trembling form and lifted him up. The young boy refused to acknowledge the presence of the older man despite all the physical interaction. Ichigo's mind was wandering elsewhere, to a week ago when he was trapped beneath the lifeless body of his mother who had obviously died while protecting him from something.

Everyone said Masaki was crazy.

Yeah, she was insane. But she was an excellent mother, a loving wife, and an all-around beautiful person inside and out. She was the centre of the Kurosaki universe, and without that centre, gravity ceased to exist. Asteroids blasted off in a million different directions. Planets spontaneously combusted. Stars were dying and soon, there would be no light.

'I killed her.' Ichigo squeaked.

'No, you didn't.'

'I did. If I was more careful back then-'

'Listen, little man.' Kaien maneuvered the tiny boy so that the pair could look at each other eye-to-eye, just like real, grown men. 'You are blameless. You didn't do anything wrong.'

'But-'

'No. You don't have time to blame yourself anymore. You don't have time to not have hope, you have to stand up and take that centre of your family back, Ichigo. You need to be strong for your sisters, for your father - for yourself. Be sad. Take your time. But eventually, you need to find a way to be happy and live your life. Live a life that your mom wanted for you, so that when you see her again, there won't be any tears. You need to be strong.'

'B-But...' he sobbed. 'It's hard. I'm sad. I miss her. I...'

'I know, little man.' Kaien embraced his nephew. 'It's not easy being a big man, is it?'

Ichigo never got to be a big man.

He's just a boy, and he knows it. He's not strong enough to confront his problems head on like a mature adult, but he's more than willing to land a punch on the next guy who makes a snide remark about him. Ichigo is quick to resort to violence because in a way, it's all he's ever really known. His childhood was embroidered with happy memories, but as he grew older, he was thrust into a reality splattered in bloody disappointment.

He doesn't want to be a big man in a world like that, but he's too much of a pussy to end it all.

Because deep down, really deep down, he wants to believe that it's all going to get better and it never does. So rather than wait for the next shit storm to smack him over the head, he takes it upon himself to anger the winds. He pushes people away. When they get a little too close, when he starts feeling things that could lead to a meaningful connection (that threatens, heaven forbid, to make him happy) he pushes that person away. Then he's back alone, in his tiny apartment that is too cold in the winter, into the predictability of solitude that he's fucked himself into the delusion that it's actually comforting.

When he's alone, no one can hurt him.

Except he hurts every day. He hurts when he thinks about Masaki, he hurts when he thinks about Kaien, he hurts when Orihime tries to be sexy with him and he has no choice but to reciprocate because if he's to be of any use to his sisters, he's going to work for that dirty money.

Why not ask Shiro for help?

Sounds so logical. Sounds like something he should do, but he'll be damned if he gives that poor excuse for a human being another window to showcase his complete lack of compassion for others.

Ask Shiro for help?

The last time Ichigo did that was three years ago.

Big mistake.

'What... What are you doing?!'

'Ichigo!' Miyako cried with Shiro's arm coiled around her neck. Her face was black and blue all over, and her limbs were nearing paper-thin proportions. It was a ghastly sight; a young, strong man jostling an older woman who was already weak from abuse. Not just the physical kind, either. Miyako's eyes were ashy with hopelessness. She no longer had the will to fight off her assailant, but she did have a spark left in her that called out to the only saviour she knew.

Her nephew, Ichigo.

'Ichigo!' she choked out. 'Ichigo, please-'

'Shiro!' Ichigo yanked the woman out of his brother's arms and seized his sibling by the collar of his shirt. 'I said, what are you doing?!'

'Getting rid of your problems!' Shiro hissed back, the golden flecks of his gaze flashing dangerously. 'This bitch is no good for you!'

At those words, Miyako whimpered in the background. Though Ichigo couldn't see her from behind him, he knew that she was crushed by the accusation that she was a burden on his shoulders. This fuelled the anger he held towards his brother even more, because although Shiro claimed he wanted to help, his actions were only aggravating an already delicate situation.

'Fuck you, Shiro.' he spat out and felt an overwhelming high of defiance.

That was the first time that Ichigo stood up to his brother.

His well-meaning, but morally questionable brother.

Shiro was caught off-gaurd. It was obvious that Ichigo's resistance hurt him, but Shiro was never one to admit to pain. Instead, his brows furrowed and his mouth contorted into a menacing snarl. Ichigo half expected him to take a bite out of him, but what was more biting were Shiro's next words.

'Fine. Fuck you, too. But mark my words, you dumb shit; one of these days, either you or Kaien will end up dead.'

In hindsight, maybe Ichigo should've listened.

Except he couldn't, for the life of him, agree with his brother's methods. Perhaps Ichigo shouldn't have meddled in Kaien and Miyako's relationship, but back then, he strongly felt that it was the right thing to do. Miyako needed another man in her life, one that was a pillar of support rather than a dark force encroaching on her vitality. When given the offer to be that man, Ichigo didn't refuse. After his mother's passing, he took an oath to protect as many people as he could; protecting Miyako fell under that umbrella of "all he could."

But maybe, if Ichigo hadn't involved himself...

'Oyaji!' Ichigo lost his shit. His father was being blasé about a familial situation that should have induced more interest in him. Instead, Isshin was as cool as a cucumber of his dismissal of Kaien and Miyako's marriage. 'Kaien's always been there for us! How can you just sit back and let this happen-'

'Look.' Isshin glared at his son. 'I don't want to talk about this anymore. It's their problem, and you shouldn't have stuck your head in where it doesn't belong in the first place! Stay out of their lives, Ichigo. Stop seeing Miyako, stop-'

'When O-fukuro died, they were their for us! They stepped in for me, for Karin, for Yuzu, while you were busy sticking your head in the dirty, crying about your wife and forgetting that you had children to care for!'

'Ichigo, shut up!' the older man growled and banged his fist on the kitchen counter. 'Just shut up! We're not having this conversation! I'm not going to butt in where I don't belong, and neither should you! Now never, ever bring Kaien or Miyako-chan up ever again! They have their lives, and we have ours! I'm staying clear of trouble, son, and so should you!'

'I'm sorry.' Ichigo apologized, not just to Rukia, but to all the ghosts of those he had wronged. 'I didn't want to hurt you.'

'Oh, fuck you.' Rukia hissed back, bringing her knees up to her chest. Her arms wrapped protectively around her lower limbs and she glared up at the orange-haired high school student with a deadly resentment.

Her heart had just been broken, but she wasn't about to admit that. For the first time since Kaien left this world, her heart had been ripped out of her and crushed into ash. The physical pain of having loved and lost was too much for her to remain composed, even if she was the heiress to the Kuchiki empire. There were some troubles that simply could not be masked by ice.

'Rukia-'

'Stop.' she raised a hand as she felt the unmistakable sting of tears at the back of her eyeballs. 'Just stop, OK?'

'Please just listen!' he was exasperated. 'Listen to me, Rukia. Just give me a chance to explain!'

He didn't know why he was being this way.

He wanted to push her away. So now, when she was obviously distancing herself from him like he wanted, why was he so frightened of losing her? He tested her. He wanted to see if she could handle the unpredictable nature of life, and he wanted to hit her with the full force of betrayal because if she could survive that, if she could accept that, then she could accept him because he was one big bundle of disappointment. If she could handle pain, then she could handle him. And he wanted her to handle him, because he hoped that she would be the one person who wouldn't leave him.

Now he sees the ridiculousness of it all.

If someone was being pushed away, why wouldn't they leave? If he was going to hurt her, why wouldn't she exercise her right to bid him farewell?

If he liked her as much as he thought he did, why would he knowingly hurt her?

Because it was only fair.

He would end up hurting her either way because he fucking sucked. That was the truth of the matter. He was messed up in the head, he made horrible decisions that put him in this impossible situation of being his boss' whore and his sisters' provider, and this monstrous package of issues made for a problematic person.

If Rukia wanted to pursue a long-term relationship with him, she would be privy to these difficult situations. He didn't believe that she deserved that. Heck, she deserved a much better man than he could ever become but he could feel in his heart's eye that she felt something for him just as he felt for her.

So why not give this a chance?

Give what a chance? He assumed that she was being open with him, that he knew all there was to know about her. She had a respectable job, was used to a life of grandeur but had no qualms enjoying the simpler things, and she had a nasty temper. On the other hand, what exactly did she know about him? That he was still in school, sure - but did she know about Orihime? About his struggling financial situation?

About Kaien?

The invisible grip of regret couldn't let him go and lead a normal life, or have a decent relationship with a woman he found himself genuinely falling for.

Every person had a story. It just so happened that Ichigo's sucked. Horrifying, even.

But she deserved to know. Even if it hurt her now, it would hurt her more in the long run if he kept quiet about everything while this random relationship turned into something more serious.

Ichigo had many skeletons in his closet. Which was fine. He couldn't sleep at night, anyway. He didn't mean a little rattling of bones in the middle of the pitch black night.

But Rukia shouldn't have to be kept in the dark. She was light; the only door yet to be slammed in his face. He was aware that it was nothing short of crazy to view her as some sort of idealized Venus, but she was so different and comfortable to be around that he never wanted to let her go. For once, he felt like he was not necessarily needed; he was just wanted.

Rukia could stand on her own, and she most certainly could fight her own battles. She didn't need to beg him to be around her, he wanted to do so of his own volition. It seemed to him that she was the only person in his life who didn't have any real expectations of him, and thus everything they did was inconsequential. Nothing they did with each other seemed to bother her, and it certainly didn't bother him. Their time together was a conglomeration of arousing lip locking, annoying banter, and prolonged gazes. Rukia was a generous pocket of time in his otherwise tumultuous life. It was so easy with her. No hurt or fear or consequences...

Until he started developing real feelings for her, which didn't take long - what took long was his acceptance of that fact.

Her image blossomed randomly the night of the same day that they met, and kissed. He still remembers the beginnings of desire burning in his loins, and how her fragrance was so clearly imprinted on his senses that it almost seemed like she was right there with him in the shower when he tended to his needs. He felt a tinge of guilt for thinking about her that way, and the ensuing embarrassment when he saw her again.

But then there was more to her than their first raunchy kiss, and he found himself actually liking her company. His one-dimensional attraction to her evolved into a more magnetizing pull, that he was drawn to her smile and her laughter, until he came to a point where he had actually memorized things she's said, replaying them over and over in his head until he physically ached from her absence.

His hardened rule of not letting people within a certain radius of him faltered.

He wanted to be closer to her.

He wanted to fall in love with her, and for her to fall for him. How would he start doing that? Even if he wasn't so sure that he loved her right now, he would start treating her with love.

With love came respect.

He needed, out of respect, to be honest with her. He needed to lay himself out now for exactly who he was without fear because genuine lovers do not fear each other no matter how ugly they can become. They love each other unconditionally, and it's not that they see past the disgusting bits and pieces of one another, but they accept the imperfect picture with open arms.

At least that's what Ichigo liked to think. Perhaps because this belief meant that if Rukia was angry with him, the onus was on her; she should be more accepting, she should be more understanding of him and if she wasn't, then she wasn't a good enough candidate to be pursued anyway.

But he knows that's bullshit.

He's the one who isn't good enough, and he needs to be good enough. Despite Rukia's rage, he still strongly believes that honesty is the first in becoming that better man; one that Rukia can be proud to hold onto and rely on. He's lost her trust, but he'll do anything to regain it. He loves her, even if she could never love him back. So even if she ends up chucking him away in the end, he wants to make her happy, and he knows that when they're together, she is happy.

Even if he doesn't end up with her in the end, he wants to just be happy with her for a little while longer. Even if it hurts to know that he'll never be good enough, it's enough for him to know that for the duration that they'll be together, she'll be happy.

If she allows it, he'll be the best lover he can.

He knows that women want anyway; perfect man - handsome face, longing in his gaze, and complete submission.

Baring the truth for her feels right.

It is submission.

'Fine!' Rukia laughed without humour. 'Since you're here anyway, explain yourself!'

'I kissed you before I did anything with her.' Ichigo knelt down and looked up at her with pitiful eyes. He lowered himself so that she is physically on a higher level than him, so that this implication of dominance calms her just a bit. 'The night of the day we met, I thought about you. I wanted to see you again. But then... This girl that I know, she comes into my apartment and she, she... We just talk.'

'Move this story along!' she barked, her hands clenching into fists. Angry tears pooled at her reddening rims, but they refused to fall. 'Hurry the fuck up before I change my mind, Ichigo.'

'Remember when I was here? When I delivered the pastries for your meeting? Remember that call I got from my sister?'

'What of it?!'

'I just... I needed help, and the girl helped me out, and...'

I fucked her as a thanks for paying Yuzu's bills.

'Ichigo, what?!'

'The girl was there for me.' Ichigo bit out, his heart beating thunderously. He knew he was being vague, but he still couldn't find it in him to admit to what he had done. Rukia deserved the truth, but he was a shitty person. He was so embarrassed by what he'd done that he couldn't even acknowledge it. 'The girl helped me get through the situation, one thing led to another, and we just... I slept with her.'

'What, so I'm supposed to be cool with it because it was a one-time thing?!'

'It wasn't a one time thing.' his voice was barely a hum. 'I was with her again, the next day. And the next, and today-'

'Stop!' she meant to roar, but it came out as a squeak. Her tears fell, and her chest was rising and falling heavily. She was breathing through her nose, and her mouth tried to seal itself except her bottom lip was quivering with emotion. 'Ichigo, just... You're so cruel, why are you telling me this? Why not just stop seeing me?'

'Because I want you.' he felt his own heart tighten at seeing her so upset. It felt so wrong to see Rukia cry. It made him want to reach out and hold her, but he knew that his affection was the last thing she wanted right now. 'I don't like that girl, Rukia. I like you, and I know you hate me, but I want to do right by you. I want to be with you. I want you to like me-'

'I already did.' she tried to be venomous, but she sounded more hurt than anything. 'I like you, don't you get it?! That's why I kissed you today, why I haven't kicked you out yet. I wanted you to say something that would make sense, but you just sound like a prick right now. You're just like-'

Your brother.

She bit her tongue.

Ichigo let that go. 'Rukia, I'm a stupid bastard, OK? I hurt you. I'm sorry. I want to make it up to you. Tell me what to do, I'll do anything.'

'Tell me the truth.' she demanded. 'Tell me why you keep seeing me.'

'Because I like you.'

'And are you going to keep seeing her?'

'No.' he smiled tensely. Yuzu was going to be discharged tomorrow and Ichigo had no intention of returning to the ABC Bakery. He wasn't going to have to deal with Orihime ever again. 'No, that's done. It's over. I-'

'Why did it take so long to be over?'

'I was trying to be nice.'

'You're a bastard, that's what you are.' she grit her teeth. ''So, what else?' she chuckled bitterly. 'What else should I know about you?'

Now is his chance to lay it all at her feet.

Complete submission.

The truth, nothing but the truth.

Ugly, visceral truth.

'I killed somebody.' he whispered. 'He was my cousin; the best and worst man I've ever known. Just not worse than me.'

A/N: Thank you to everyone supporting this story! NieveDrop thought up a large part of the plot, so most of the storyline is credited to her!

This story is actually more difficult for me to write than I thought it was going to be. I'm struggling to wrestle with this perspective. I keep writing and erasing. It takes me hours to finish a fraction of a chapter for this story because I keep wondering if I'm getting into Ichigo's head properly.

Thank you to shirayukideathberry, blissbeat, Peachberrylove, RukiYuki, IchiRuki 4vr, FlynnChan, Kidzin, NieveDrop, jobananasan, and the Guest reviewers!

shirayukideathberry, the IH scenes will stop at some point! I hope that the exploration of Ichigo's feelings in this chapter clears some of your questions up. No worries, I don't think you were being aggressive at all!

blissbeat, I think part of it is that he feels dirty after sex with Orihime, and showering no longer takes this metaphorical grime off of him. He wants to feel like a person again, and Rukia makes him feel like a real person.

Peachberry, I hope the partial reveal on what went on between Ichigo and Kaien was not disappointing for you!

Dichotomy, your observation doesn't affect how I view my writing in this story.

IchiRuki 4vr, Rukia's feelings will be explored later!

NieveDrop, no, it doesn't, although I think that they are different insofar as Shiro plays women for fun whereas Ichigo does so to self-medicate feelings of inadequacy and because he believes that maintaining his relationship with Orihime is better for the welfare of his sisters. Rukia does not know about Rangiku. Rukia is in a bad situation right now, but she'll get out of it soon!

jobananasan, I hope that this chapter clears up some of your questions as to why Ichigo shoulders his problems alone. I know that Ichigo is using Rukia, but he himself is being used by people around him. That's certainly not an excuse for how he's handling his relationship with Rukia, but what I really want to highlight in this story is that he is, in so many respects, still a child. He's struggling to be a man even though the men in his family have been horrible examples. LMAO I died with your Listerine comment! Karin will be a very important character in this story. She's definitely going to be a mature enough teenager.

Thanks so much, everyone!

Working hard on the next chapter for you guys!