Bruce had never been more stunned or terrified in his life than when Alfred had woken him up with the words, "Sir, the Joker is downstairs."
Except when he had seen the Joker nearly open the entrance to the Batcave. After he had left, Bruce asked Alfred to also fix him a strong drink to steady his nerves after his shock, and then to prepare his evening wear. He wasn't about to let Joker tackle Dracula alone. It wasn't going to end well for anyone.
Joker was approaching the entrance to the church when a black shape suddenly dropped down behind him. He whirled around, stake raised, then let out a sigh of relief.
"Jesus Christ, Bats, don't sneak up on a guy like that!" he exclaimed. "You nearly got a stake in the eye! Though I guess it would help with that black eye ya got, huh?" he chuckled.
Batman stared at him, puzzled. "…What?"
"It's a joke," said Joker. "Stake, steak, get it? You put raw steak on a black eye to make the swelling go down."
"No, you don't," retorted Batman. "It's medically dangerous."
"The hell it is!" snapped Joker. "It's worked for me for years! It's like a miracle cure! Ah, never mind. Comedy gold wasted on the uneducated," he muttered. "Anyway, what are you doing here?"
"I've been hunting Dracula too," retorted Batman. "Ever since he beat me up."
"That was him?!" exclaimed Joker. "That jerk! Attacking both my dame and my nemesis! I tell ya, that's low. And after I brought him back to life and everything! Uncool, as the kids say."
"I'm sure they don't," retorted Batman. "He's got Harley?"
"Yeah. And apparently I have to act fast if I don't want her to end up permanently vampirized. And there's no joke in vampires – they ain't funny. Old Bela's got even less of a sense of humor than you, Bats."
"Bela…"
"That's what I call Dracula. Cause of Bela Lugosi – apparently there's another one."
"We're going to need a plan once we get in there," murmured Batman.
"Plan? You nuts, Bats? It's daylight," said Joker. "Bela will be sound asleep. All we gotta do is stay quiet, sneak up on him, and ram this thing here through his heart," he said, holding up the stake. "Piece of cake."
Batman sighed, following Joker into the church. He sincerely doubted it would be.
Rays of sunlight dappled the church floor, the few which managed to squeeze between the boards across the windows anyway. They provided enough light for Batman and Joker to see the outline of three large boxes placed around the altar, and on top of the altar itself, one box bigger than the others.
Joker put a finger to his lips as he tiptoed down the aisle with Batman following. They peered into one of the boxes, where Poison Ivy lay on a bed of dirt. Her eyes were shut and she appeared to be asleep, except that she wasn't breathing.
"You think that means she's a real vampire now?" whispered Joker.
"Yes," whispered Batman. "I think it does."
His gaze traveled over to the neighboring box, where Selina lay, also not breathing. His heart sank in anguish, but this was immediately replaced by panic as Joker shouted, "Aw, dammit!" loudly, his voice echoing around the church.
"Shut up!" hissed Batman, clapping a hand over his mouth.
"Sorry," whispered Joker. "But I just realized something. I ain't thought of a good gag for killing vampires. Can't stake 'em without a punchline."
"I think desperate times call for desperate measures," muttered Batman. "Skip the jokes."
Joker stared at him. "Skip the jokes?" he repeated. "Do you know who I am?! That's like telling you to stop the brooding!"
"Just try," hissed Batman. "For me."
Joker nodded slowly. "All right, Bats. For you."
He put the stake on Ivy's heart and raised the hammer. Batman seized his hand suddenly. "No," he murmured. "I don't want you killing her or Selina."
"Aw, c'mon, Bats, it'll be fun!" said Joker. "Anyway, we need practice for the big one…"
"I said no, Joker," repeated Batman. "There may yet be a way to save them. I might be able to come up with some sort of antidote to the vampire toxin."
Joker sighed heavily, but removed the stake. He headed over to the next box, where Harley lay. Joker checked her pulse. It was still beating, and her chest rose and fell faintly. "She's still alive," he murmured.
"But not for long," said a voice from behind them. They turned to see Dracula standing there, smiling. "Her life will terminate at the setting of the sun, and she will rise again as my un-dead bride, immortal, forever young, and forever beautiful."
"Just because you look young don't mean you are," retorted Joker. "And frankly, I think you're past your prime, grandpa."
Batman and Dracula looked at him. "I don't get to call many people old," explained Joker. "I just enjoy the novelty. Anyway, ain't it past your bedtime, pops?"
"I was rudely awakened by the sound of intruders," replied Dracula. "Terrible manners, I must say. It's time you were taught some respect."
He snapped his fingers and suddenly Ivy and Selina leapt from their coffins. Selina seized Batman's arms and bent them behind his back, restraining him, while Ivy did the same to Joker. "Awaken, Harley, my dear," murmured Dracula softly, and Harley's eyes fluttered open. She rose slowly and came over to Dracula.
"What is your will, Master?" she murmured.
"I want you to kill these men," said Dracula. "They have displeased me. Drain them dry. Start with the clown."
"As you wish, Master," whispered Harley, turning to face Joker. She approached him with vacant eyes.
"Harley. Harley, listen to Daddy," said Joker. "I know my Harley girl's still in there somewhere, and my Harley girl would never hurt me, no matter what some un-dead creep told her to do."
Harley didn't respond, tilting Joker's neck up and baring his throat. "Harley, you don't wanna ruin your diet, do you?" asked Joker. "All that blood's gotta be pretty fatty, huh? You don't wanna get fat, do ya? I won't keep a fat dame."
"Stop…stop calling me fat…Mr. J," she stammered, recognition flickering in her eyes again. "I ain't fat…I…"
She clutched at her head. "I dunno what's happening to me!" she cried.
"Harley, obey me!" shouted Dracula.
"No, obey me!" retorted Joker. "She was mine first, you blood-sucking jerk! Her mind belongs to me! I broke it, not you! She's mine!"
"Stop it!" shrieked Harley, squeezing her eyes shut and covering her ears. "Stop it, you're making me confused!"
During the distraction, Batman suddenly slammed his head back, making Selina release his grip on him. He whirled around, pulling out a cross and making her shrink back, hissing. He aimed it at Ivy, who released Joker, and then Dracula, who stepped back, glaring at him.
"It is useless to resist," he murmured. "The girls whom you love are mine already, and they are just the first. Soon we shall swarm over this city and create an Empire of the Un-dead…"
"What did I tell ya about empires, Bela?" demanded Joker, pulling out the flask. "They don't work out!"
He threw the water at him. It landed on Dracula's skin, and he hissed in pain as it began to burn him, steam rising off his flesh. Joker grabbed his crucifix. "Hold off the dames!" he shouted at Batman. "I'll take care of Bela."
Batman obeyed, keeping the cross aimed at Selina and Ivy, who cowered in fear, hissing in fury. Dracula backed away down the aisle with Joker following, until he reached the door of the church. Joker grinned. "What're you gonna do now, Bela?" he murmured. "You can't go outside in the daylight."
In response, Dracula raced out of the doors. Joker stared after him, open-mouthed. "He can go out in the daylight?!" he demanded furiously, throwing down his crucifix. "Is anything in the movies true?!"
"Mr. J!" gasped Harley, falling to her knees. "Help…me!"
Joker rushed over to her, catching her as she fainted. "Don't you worry, kid," he whispered, stroking her hair back. "We're gonna save you."
"She doesn't have much time," murmured Batman. "Sunset is only a few hours away. But Dracula can't get far in the daylight – he may be able to go out, but he can't transform until darkness falls. He can't fly. He can't control the weather or animals. He's just like a regular man until night comes. And no man can hide from me in my city."