"Date" was such a scary four letter word. I haven't been on a real "date" in months, unless you counted going to dinner with Ben a date. I didn't. When Kennedy and I were engaged, well, we didn't really go on dates, because what was the point?
I had two today.
Two dates. Was I trying to cause problems for myself? Apparently, I was. As I scrounged around in my closet for something to wear, a knock on the door only irritated me more.
"What?" I called out, not bothering to even open the door for whoever it was. No worries, whoever it was opened it anyway. I turned around, about to rip them a new one, but when I saw who it was, I started jumping and down.
"NICK!" I yelled, running over to him and throwing my arms around him. He looked so much better than he did the last time I saw him a month ago. His bruises had healed, he was minimally scarred, and he had the biggest smile I had ever seen planted on his face.
"I have big news, and I wanted to tell you in person," he said. I pulled away, excited for whatever the news was.
"You are moving to Tempe?" I asked.
He smiled, and nodded.
"Thank you, Justin Richards in heaven!" I said, clapping my hands and jumping up and down again.
"But there's more," he said.
"Mama Santino is moving here with you?" I asked.
"Unfortunately no. Well not right now. I am sure she will relocate eventually."
"Well, what else is there?" I asked, sitting down on my bed.
"I'm getting married," he smiled, and waited for my reaction.
What reaction was I supposed to give him?
"Peyton?" he asked, waving his hand in front of my face.
"Is she pregnant?" I asked, finally looking up at him.
"No," he said, confused.
"You and Sophia haven't even been dating that long Nick. What, a month tops? Are you sure about this?"
"Yes, I'm sure!" he yelled, standing up. "You know, I thought my 'best friend,'" he said, using air quotes, "would be happy for me, but apparently I was wrong."
"I just think you should think about this before you," I paused, thinking of the right words.
"Before I what, Peyton? Screw up my life. When did you become such a cynic? When Kennedy left you?"
Ouch.
"I'm not a cynic!" I yelled back, "I just don't think you should rush into anything, Nick. I understand that you've been single for a long time, but what I don't understand is why you are rushing this. If you guys are serious about each other, then I think she will still be there, say, in a year, when you guys REALLY know each other."
"Oh, like you and Kennedy? You waited a year, and now look at you."
"Get out," I screamed, pointing to my door.
"You know, Peyton, I wanted to tell you first, because I really do consider you my best friend, but I guess I was mistaken. Best friends are there for each other no matter what. I don't understand you sometimes," he sighed and started walking for the door. "And, by the way," he stopped, and looked at me again. "Since we are being honest with each other, I heard you have a date with John tonight. Why in God's name, would you even think about even talking to him after everything he has done to you, let alone go out on a date with him. It seems to me like you need to think about your mistakes, not mine," and then he walked out of my room, his words staying behind, and hanging in the air.
/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\
I tried to forget about the feud with Nick as Ben opened the Jeep door for me. I had no idea what we were doing, but I imagined it would be something great. He was an odd kid, and that was part of the attraction for me.
"Seatbelt! Safety first!" he said, as he inserted the key into the ignition. I rolled my eyes and buckled my seatbelt. It was not something I usually forgot, but I got sidetracked, staring at him. The mixture of his dark brown hair and his gorgeous green eyes contrasted nicely with his pale skin. He was almost as white as I was, which I didn't think was possible. He was wearing a "Scorpions" shirt today, which, I am not even going to lie, is no doubt my favorite 80's hair metal band. This kid was an A+, and I was glad that we stepped it out of the "friends" zone, after I was so dead set on keeping this relationship there.
"What are we doing?" I asked, reaching for his hand and clasping it with mine.
"You know, to do nerdy things," he said.
"Oh god, laser tag?" I asked. He grinned and shook his head no. I sighed in relief and waited for him to tell me what we were doing.
"Just kidding. It's a surprise. I hope you like it," he said. "And if you don't, then I look forward to the challenge of taking you out again and finding something that you do like."
"Well, I'm easy," I shrugged. And then I thought about what I had just said. My hand shot up to cover my mouth and I looked over at him. He was trying not to laugh, and he was about to lose it any second.
"I meant, I'm easy going," I said. He nodded and tried to compose himself, but he was failing.
"Oh, forget it," I smiled and looked out of the window.
/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\
"Tainted Love," I said, staring up at the clouds. We were having a heated discussion of the best and worst songs of the 80's, laying in a small boat we had rented. I have lived in Arizona all of my life, and to be honest, I have never been to [insert lake name here.] It was beautiful, and I wondered to myself why I hadn't come here earlier.
"That song is totally underrated." He agreed with me. This guy, could quite possibly, be my music soul-mate.
"Melt With You?" he asked.
"I could take it or leave it," I shrugged. He nodded in agreement.
"This may sound nerdy, but why do all of these clouds look like Pokémon?" he asked.
"You're right," I chuckled. "They do."
"Your turn," he said. "Most overrated 70's or 80's band?"
"Air Supply." I said without even thinking about. He sat up and just stared at me. "What?" I asked, sitting up too.
"You take that back!" he said.
"No!"
"Take it back! They are classic."
"I can't believe I like a guy that likes 'Air Supply,'" I said, horrified.
"I'm all out of love," he started.
"Oh god, no."
"I'm so lost without you," he stood up, his voice getting louder with each line. "I know you were right, believing for so long!"
"Ben, shut up!" I said, tugging on his shirt, trying to get him to sit back down.
"I'M ALL OUT OF LOVE, WHAT AM I WITHOUT YOU?" he yelled, getting really into it.
You know that feeling when you know something bad is about to happen? Your stomach muscles tighten, and your heart almost seems like it freezes, as your body prepares you for what is about to come. I felt that as the boat started to shake, and Ben started flailing his arms, only making it worse.
"NO!" I shouted, just before I came into contact with the chilly water. As I resurfaced, I started looking around for Ben. I spun around and came face to face with him.
"Well, this wasn't supposed to happen," he smirked.
"It's so cold," I said, my teeth chattering. He pulled me in close, and planted a soft kiss to my forehead. It was too deep for us to touch the bottom, so flipping the boat back over and climbing back in would be a challenge.
"Something just brushed up against my leg," he squealed, kicking his legs.
"It was probably my leg," I said.
"Are there fish in here?" he asked. I looked around at all of the other people in boats, casting their lines and reeling them in.
"I'm going to say that yes, there are fish in here."
"Oh god," he said, closing his eyes.
"What?" I asked.
"I am sure there are snakes in here too."
"Probably," I said with a nod.
"Help me flip the boat, please," he panicked. We tried and tried, and finally we got it.
He tried to climb in, but ended up falling back in. I tried not to laugh, but I couldn't help it.
"I hate snakes, I hate snakes," he was saying over and over again. I put my hand on his shoulder and made him turn around to face me. He looked so cute with his hair soaking wet, his teeth chattering as much as mine were, and his fear of snakes made me wish I could rid the whole lake of them.
"It's going to be fine. They won't bother us," I said, putting my hands on either side of his head and gripping the boat. I wrapped my legs around his waist, hoping that a little seduction would calm him down. Worked like a charm. He relaxed and wrapped his arms around my waist. I let go of the boat with one of my hands and rested it on the side of his neck, bringing my cold lips to his.
I liked kissing Ben, and from what could tell, he didn't mind kissing me back. Just as we were really starting to get into it, another boat passed by, and offered to help get us, and our piece of shit boat, back to shore. We graciously accepted.
It took us a really long time getting back to Ben's Jeep, longer than it should have. We had to stop every few minutes just so we could have a lot of physical contact with each other. I don't know why my attraction to Ben was so strong, but it was, and I really had no problem with that, at all.
As we the Jeep finally came into view, Ben let go of my hand and ran to open the door for me, which was something I still had to get used to. I thanked him with an innocent kiss and climbed in. He walked around the front of the car and jumped in, starting the engine and grabbing my hand. It was natural with us, and I found that both odd and comforting.
"I packed a lunch, but I imagine you want to go home and change?" he asked, rubbing tiny circles in my palm with his thumb.
"I don't want to go home. That would mean this date would end, and I'm not ready for that. So, even if we smell like fish, I would love to have a picnic."
"Where would you like to go? I took you to my favorite place; you should take me to yours."
I thought about it for a minute. I had no idea where my favorite place was. Every favorite place I had ever had was taken over by bad memories. I shared them with the people closest to me, and what I got from that, was a loss of a favorite spot.
"I don't have one," I sighed.
"Well, do you want to just go to the park or something? Or we could eat in the Jeep," he laughed and kept his eyes on the road.
"Actually, I should introduce you to someone," I said..
"Oh," he looked worried. "Is it your dad? I mean, I don't," he paused, thinking about what he was going to say.
"No, it's not my dad," I laughed at how scared he sounded. It was way too early for that.
"Okay," he sighed in relief.
"Take the next exit," I said.
/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\
"Nice to meet you, Ben," Julia, said shaking his head. When she turned back around to me, she mouthed an "Oh my god," to me as we walked into her house. Daisy was hopping all over me, so I scooped her up and cradled her in my arms.
"The guys are in there, if you want to go meet them," Julia said to Ben and then gave me a look. It was a look that I understood. Kennedy was there.
"Through here?" Ben asked pointing, and Julia nodded. As soon as he was out of the kitchen, Julia turned around and faced me.
"Explain to me what you are doing," she demanded, and leaned back against the counter.
"What do you mean?" I asked, barely paying attention to her. All of my attention was focused on the pug in my arms.
"John AND Ben?" she asked.
"No, I'm not dating either one of them." I shrugged.
"You know you're just asking for trouble," she informed me. She kept talking but I tuned her out, paying attention to only Daisy. "And you smell really bad," she added, as an afterthought.
"Ben seems nice," John said, walking into the kitchen.
"Later," Julia said, walking into the living room. Subtle.
"He is nice," I said, finally setting Daisy on the ground. She let out a snort and started pawing on my legs for me to pick her back up. Julia spoiled this dog rotten.
Then there was silence. I swore I heard crickets chirping.
"What time should I pick you up tonight?" he finally asked, grabbing an apple.
"Uh, around 6? Is that okay?" I asked.
"Sure," he said, walking back into the living room. His pride was wounded because I was another guy. Not my problem, was it?
I walked into the living room, Daisy following my every step, and came to find Ben smushed between the ex fiancé and the other current boy toy. Jared and Garrett were sitting on the arms of the couch.
Julia found the whole situation way too amusing. I sat down next to her on the other couch and watched Jared Annihilate Garrett and Kennedy at Halo.
"So much sex appeal is sitting on that couch right now," she whispered to me and I giggled. Kennedy, even though he was playing Halo, was shooting me really nasty looks. I tried not to pay attention to him, but it was hard.
"So Ben," Julia started. "Peyton told me you were in a band."
"Yeah, I am," he smiled, "it's nothing really. I'm not quitting my day job or anything for it."
"Bro, if you want it to go anywhere, you have to quit your day job and devote everything you have to the band." Garrett said.
"That's just how it works," Jared nodded in agreement.
"Lucky for you, you live in Tempe," John said. "A lot of bands get a good start here because the fans here are incredible."
"They are," Ben nodded in agreement. "We have a pretty decent following, I just have to keep the cash flowing somehow. Bills to pay."
"They never had to deal with any of that. Every single one of them is a mama's boy." Julia said. Nobody thought anything of that comment, except for me. I looked over at Kennedy, who wasn't really close with his parents, and watched his face fall. They were all mamas' boys except for him. He never really got the chance to be.
We stayed there for about thirty minutes, the boys playing Halo and discussing band tips and Julia and I, in a different room, discussing how I was messing up my life. Or at least she was discussing this, I was playing with Daisy.
"It's like you're trying to get hurt. Opening yourself up to two guys at the same time, Jesus Peyton. And I can't believe you slept with John, again," she continued, droning on and on, her words fading into background noise as I tuned her out. I was relieved when Ben walked into the kitchen, and Julia stopped yapping.
"Ready to go?" he asked, looking really uncomfortable.
"Sure," I said, placing Daisy back on the ground and grabbing my bag. I kissed Julia on the cheek and made my way towards the door, placing my hand in Ben's as we walked to his Jeep.
"What happened?" I asked him. He just shrugged and opened my door for me. My gaze followed him until he climbed in the car and I grabbed his hand before he inserted the key in the ignition.
"Tell me," I pleaded.
"I just," he sighed. "I don't know. Kennedy, he kept giving me dirty stares, and that's fine. But I saw him give you dirty stares, and you don't deserve that. He's the one who left you right? Why does he get to give you dirty stares? And John was talking about how he was taking you out tonight, and I just don't get it. Why would you go out on a date with me if you were going out with John? Is it wrong of me to say that I don't want you to go out with John? Is it too soon for me to say that I want us to be official? I just," he stopped and finally took a breath. "I don't know."
"Ignore Kennedy." I said, running my fingers through his hair. "And what was that last part?" I said, just hoping he would repeat it again.
"I really like you," he said, finally looking over at me. "I guess I was getting ahead of myself," he shrugged and put the Jeep in reverse. I liked this kid. I REALLY liked this kid. But I was getting to the point where I started to like John again. The sight of John used to make me cringe, but now, it made me want to do other things. Like dry hump him.
I didn't answer him for a long time. I was debating on what to do. What would you do? Would you even be in this predicament?
"Pull over," I said.
"What?"
"Pull over," I repeated. I jumped out the second the car had stopped. He jumped out as well and walked over to my side.
"What is even going on?" he asked. I smiled and pushed him up against the Jeep.
"I couldn't kiss you while you were driving," I said, pressing my lips firmly to his. His arms snaked around my waist, my arms found their way around the back of his neck. Cars were honking as they passed.
"I won't go out with him, if you don't want me to," I said, staring straight into his eyes.
"I know I've only known you for a few weeks, but I want to make this official."
"Official, as in I can call you 'boyfriend?'" I asked, a smile hinting at my lips.
"If it's what you want," he smiled and kissed the tip of my nose.
"Alright, boyfriend," I said, giving him a quick kiss. "You have band practice to get to."
"They can wait," he said, bringing me in for another kiss.
"We didn't get our picnic!" I said, wish a pout.
"Raincheck?" he asked, and I nodded, going in for another kiss.
How could I stand here and kiss my new boyfriend, knowing that I lied to him? I told him that I wouldn't go out with John tonight, and, well, I was. I didn't know what I wanted. I had to test the water. So what if I told him I wouldn't see John anymore. One little lie wouldn't hurt would it?
Would it?
/\\/\\/\\/\\
"You smell so good," John whispered in my ear right before he started kissing down my neck. We hadn't even made it out of the door and his hands were already all over me.
"Oh God. No, go," I said, pointing to the door. He chuckled against my neck and then grabbed my hand, leading the way to his car.
"What are we doing?" I asked, buckling my seatbelt.
"You know, food, movies, nothing spectacular." He was smirking, so I knew he had something planned. His hand was resting on my thigh, and it made me think of how different both of these guys were. Ben always held my hand, he never tried anything or even remotely pushed the envelope. John, on the other hand, went for what he wanted, but I guess he always got it. He is John O'Callaghan.
His car zipped into the driveway of a house I knew all too well.
"Why are we at the Kirch's?" I asked.
"Just come on," he said, smiling and pressing his hand to the small of my back, leading me to the backyard.
"Holy shit," I muttered, under my breath. There were string lights everywhere. John grabbed a lily off of the table and tucked it behind my ear. The table was set for two and there was a bottle of wine chilling.
"Do you like it?" he asked, pulling my chair out for me.
"No, I hate it," I said, looking around the backyard in awe. It was incredible, to say the least. "It's really incredible, John," I smiled at him, scooting my chair up.
A few seconds later, both Pat and Tim Kirch came out, wearing tuxedos. Actual tuxedos. Pat's hair was slicked back into a ponytail, and his oversized, adorable ears were sticking out. It made me "awww" out loud, and he blushed.
They looked amazing. I was glad I wore a dress, or else I would have felt underdressed, eating in a backyard. Yeah, it was that classy.
They set water glasses in front of us, and then went back into the kitchen.
"I feel weird having Tim and Pat serving us," I said.
"They actually volunteered. I was just going to take you here to get some food, but Pat and Tim needed something to do other than play video games. They needed some people interaction."
"Well, I am honored they wanted to do this," I said, taking a sip of my water.
"Have you ever had Mrs. Kirch's cooking?" he asked.
"No, but I have always wanted to." I said, just as Tim and Pat brought out our salads. Mrs. Kirch was staring through the window, gauging our reactions as we ate our dinner. I gave her a thumbs up and proceeded to eat the most amazing meal I have ever had cooked for me.
/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\
"I thought we were going to the movies?" I asked as John drove the complete opposite direction of the movie theatre. He just shrugged and drove further into downtown Phoenix.
"So," he said, attempting to start a conversation.
"So," I said, looking at all of the lights rush past us.
"I know that it's none of my business, and you can do whatever you want, but why are you going on a date with me if you went out with Ben this morning. I didn't know you were seeing anyone," he said, keeping his eyes on the road.
"I'm not really seeing him," I lied.
"Really?" he asked.
What was I doing? I was seeing him. I was dating him, as of today, and this date with John should make me feel like a guilty cheating whore, but it didn't. It was hard to explain the logic as to why I was on this date with John. It just made me feel complete.
"I have seen the big M before, John," I said as he pulled into the lot in front of it.
"Yeah, I know," he said, climbing out of the black BMW.
"You said we were going to the movies!" I said, closing my door.
"We are," he smiled, and grabbed my hand. It was pitch black without his headlights lighting the way, so I didn't see the two chairs he had set up right next to a projector on the far side of the wall.
"Oh wow," I said, as he pushed a button and brought the projector to life.
"What movie?" I asked, as he wrapped his arm around me.
"Oh, it's just –"
"Benny and Joon!" I screamed as "I Would Walk 500 Miles," by The Proclaimers boomed through the speakers he had set up near the wall. He chuckled and leaned his head against mine.
"I know it's your favorite," he said. I turned towards him and kissed his lips softly.
"You're amazing," I said with a smile.
"You're everything," he sighed contently, motioning for me to sit in the chair. As I watched my favorite movie for the thousandth time, none of the other times compared to this. John really thought this date out, and it was, without a doubt, one of the best dates I had ever been on.
As it was rounding ten o'clock, my phone rang. It was Ben, and I wanted to answer it.
"Uh, it's my dad," I lied, standing up. John nodded and then continued to watch Johnny Depp be a total babe.
"Hey," I said, walking away from John.
"Hey girlfriend," he said, and I could hear the smile in his voice.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Going out with the guys to get a beer. Do you want to go?" he asked.
"Oh, I can't tonight," I said.
"Oh, busy?" he asked.
"Yeah, I'm hanging out with Jared tonight. We're having a movie marathon," the lies were coming out so easy, I surprised myself.
"Alright, call you tomorrow?" he asked.
"Yes, call me tomorrow." I said, with a smile.
"Say it," he said.
"Say what?" I asked.
"Say, 'Yes boyfriend, call me tomorrow,'" he chuckled.
"Yes boyfriend, call me tomorrow," I said in a hushed voice.
"Louder," he teased.
"Yes, boyfriend. Call me tomorrow," I smiled, and hung up the phone. I walked back over to my chair, and I could tell John overheard some of that.
"You call your dad boyfriend?" he asked.
"No." I said, thinking of something. "He asked me who I was with, and I told him I was with my boyfriend," I said, hating myself for not thinking all of this through.
"Boyfriend?" he asked, confused.
"I mean," I said, trying to think quickly, "If that's what you want,"
"More than anything," he said, leaning over and kissing me so passionately, I lost my breath.
On the drive home, I thought about all of the lies I told today, and the person I was becoming. What I was doing was wrong. I had two boyfriends. I have only had one other experience similar to this, but it was only for a minute, and it was between John and Kennedy. That ended so well. The fact that I was doing it again, at a slightly worse scale, really made me get a look at the person I was becoming. I didn't like it.
I should end my relationship with one of these boys.
But which one?
Justin Richards in Heaven, have pity on my soul.
The thing is, I should end my relationship with one of these boys.
Was I going to?
No. I didn't know who would win out.
I was going to Hell, I was sure of it.