Alone

Loki paused as he closed the door to the healing room; there was no going back once he left her in there, alone. "She's off to Folkvangr, where her mother can watch over her. The only one alone is you," he thought to himself. He stood there with his hands on the doorknobs, breathing heavily as he tried to stop the tears. He blinked a few times then wiped his eyes with his hands.

"How did we end up here, Sigyn? I thought forever would be longer," he thought as another memory pushed its way up to the surface. He didn't understand why these memories of her were coming through so strong, so vivid. He felt the urge to go back in and hold her again, but he knew it wouldn't make things any easier.

He stood a moment longer, closing his eyes as he slowly exhaled, pushing the memories out of his mind. "There's something...off about these memories. They feel stronger than just thoughts." He opened his eyes and turned, walking away slowly. He needed to try to sleep again before he had to face her family.

xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx

Loki curled up on the couch in his library, facing the wall with the blanket pulled up over his head. "I just need dark, and quiet. I need nothing for awhile." He closed his eyes and fell asleep almost immediately, exhausted from the grief.

The next thing he knew, he was running through the woods. "The first day, the meadow," he realized, just as he ran into the clearing. "She's just as beautiful as I remember. How long will these dreams torture me?" His skill at magic and concentration made it easy for him to control his consciousness while he dreamt; he couldn't change his movements, but he could change what he said. But with Sigyn being nothing more than a ghost in his subconscious, there was no point in trying to talk to her; she would only ever say what she had originally said in those moments.

"Pardon my intrusion, my prince."

He just wanted to hold her, not to relive these nervous first moments. She scrambled to her feet, trying to hide the book of magic she had been reading. This was both frustrating and strangely calming at the same time. As much as he wanted, needed, to touch her again, it helped to know that her face wasn't gone forever. As much as the dreams tortured him, they still kept her near.

The original conversation carried on as he became lost in thought. As he moved his palms up to show her the fire spell, she came closer; then, without warning, the dream shifted and her eyes went wide with fear as her bloody body fell into his arms on the floor of his bedchambers. He panicked and screamed himself awake on the floor of his library covered in a cold sweat and tangled in his blanket.

"I can't... No. I have to get through this... It will get easier after the funeral," he thought, trying to calm himself down from the nightmarish way the dream had ended. "It's just guilt at not being able to save her."

Loki stood, pulling on his boots and quietly leaving his chambers. He solemnly walked the halls until he reached the banquet hall. He just needed a drink to take the edge off; Thor was in the hall entertaining a group of his friends. Loki was about to turn and leave instead of dealing with the happy crowd, but Volstagg pointed him out to Thor before he could get away. Thor turned around in his seat, his smile quickly changing to a look of concern for his younger brother.

"Loki, come join us!" he yelled as he pouted a drink for his brother. "How are you feeling? You look unwell."

"As well as can be expected," he hesitated before chugging the entire cup of alcohol. "More. Please, Brother."

They exchanged glances before Thor refilled Loki's cup. He wrapped an arm around Loki's shoulders. "I'm sorry, Brother. I know not what to say to ease your pain." The room fell silent as everyone turned their attention to the two princes.

Loki immediately noticed that all eyes in the room were on him. Without another word, he finished his cup, poured himself a third helping, and downed that as well. His head was spinning as he slammed the cup down and silently staggered out of the banquet hall alone.

He wandered out of the castle and paced the streets until he realized he was standing in front of Iwaldi's house. It was late and the house was dark. He made his way around to the side, to the window that used to belong to Sigyn. He made a wildflower in his hands and stuck it in the frame of the closed window. He hesitated a moment before walking back out to the road and moving on. He was only a few steps off of the sidewalk when he heard Sigyn's voice in his head again.

"I don't want to lose you. Loki, I can't... I love you, Loki. Only you."

"Not here, please not here. Not this close to her family's house."

He took a deep breath and focused, pushing it out of his mind, then hurried through the streets and into the woods. When he reached the meadow, he laid down in the center, where she had been lying when they first met. He stared up at the stars as another memory began to cloud his mind.

"You'll have to catch me first," he saw her running across the beach. Everything was replaying in his mind sped up. "I just wish that you'd found me earlier. I know this can't last." The words echoed in his head, a grim prediction of what was to come. His eyes started tearing up again; he did nothing to stop it, just laid there and let the tears roll. It was so much easier to cry when he was alone, away from the castle.

Loki stayed there, unmoving, until his eyes ran dry. He should be in his bed right now, curled up asleep with his bride. He wiped his face dry as the sky began to brighten with the new day and pulled himself to his feet, leaving the meadow and making his way to the beach where they had shared their first kiss.

It had only been mere days since they'd been there together. The beach was otherwise untouched, and he could still see the soft indents in the dry sand where they had stepped, and the larger divot where he had laid her down and kissed her. He sat down next to it and grazed his fingers lightly across the sand she had once laid on. He'd give anything for one more moment with her. The pain in his chest was getting worse the longer he stared at it; his eyes lingered on it a few seconds more, then he turned his gaze to the waves as the sunrise started to peak in a blended swath of colors across the horizon.

He saw himself standing with her, both of them barefoot in the waves. The intensity of that moment, when he buried his hands in her hair and kissed her for the first time, the way she tensed up and grabbed at his clothes, pulling him closer. His eyes began to burn from trying to hold back the tears, and he gave in to it again. He closed his eyes to block out the sight of her and let the tears trace rivers down his cheeks.

"Why can't I just wake up from this nightmare," he pleaded with himself, "safe and warm in my bed, OUR bed, with my arms around her and my face buried in the sweet smell of her hair. Will I truly never know such peace again?" The thought sent him even further into an emotional avalanche; his tears turned into violent sobbing as he was racked with grief. His hands were shaking uncontrollably and his back heaved with every gasping breath. He was alone, probably forever now; nobody could take her place in his world.

Loki stayed there until the last sliver of the night sky was gone. It took him that long to pull himself together just enough to go back to the castle. He went to the throne room and stood where he had been standing during the wedding. The huge room was empty; everyone who was awake was probably in the banquet hall having breakfast. The silence was deafening; he was almost expecting the memories to materialize before his eyes now. Nothing came, though, and he found himself standing there, waiting for something that might not be coming.

"Is this...acceptance?" he wondered. He was half afraid of not seeing her anymore; he wasn't ready to let go.

"Are you really here?" he heard her voice up the aisle to his left.

"The dressing room. How could I forget about that?" he scolded himself.

Loki watched as Sigyn made her way down the aisle to where he stood. He couldn't believe it had only been just yesterday; it felt like an eternity had passed.

She started frantically scanning the empty rows, as she had when she had been looking for him while he was disguised as Theoric.

"He wouldn't have lied...would he? Not when I need him most." he heard her clear as day.

"She didn't say that yesterday. Unless...unless I'm hearing her thoughts now. But that's not possible, not if she's dead. This doesn't make sense."

She stood before him, nervously looking at him as she snuck peeks where the crowd had been. "But what if Theoric intends to do none of those things? Damn it, Loki, where are you?"

He watched as she closed her eyes and waited to be kissed, then he saw himself materialize in front of her. "I've blocked out the sight of Theoric. And thankfully so, that would've most likely sent me into a rage."

"Just think of Loki." Sigyn's voice repeated to herself until she opened her eyes and saw him.

"No, Allfather. I accept this marriage, I don't wish for it to be annulled."

At that, he saw himself grab her hand and both he and Sigyn disappeared. He was about to follow back up to his bedchambers, when he saw his mother walking towards him.

"I went to wake you for breakfast and found your chambers empty. Have you gotten any sleep at all?"

"No, Mother. I keep thinking about her, when I'm asleep I dream of her. Everything feels wrong without her."

Frigga sighed. "Come," she said, taking Loki's arm, "walk with me to breakfast. It's better than standing here still as a statue, staring at thin air." He had forgotten for a moment that only he could see Sigyn. Loki hesitantly walked with his mother. "I know things seem bleak right now, but it will get easier with time. You just need to stay strong. She wouldn't want you to torture yourself this way, Loki."

"No," he snapped, pulling his arm away from his mother, "she would want to be here, alive, by my side! Instead I'm tormented by ghosts of days past. There is no place safe for me in all of Asgard from the sight of her, I can't even sleep in my own bed."

"I meant no disrespect, Loki. I know this isn't easy for you, the bond that the two of you shared was one of great strength. It seems that it's still as strong after all that's happened."

"I keep questioning if she would've been better off with Theoric, or having never known me at all. If I hadn't inserted myself into her life, she would still be alive."

"The past is just that, an echo of yesterday. You can choose to bury yourself in it, dwelling on that which can't be changed, or you can choose to accept things for the way they are, and move forward. Yes, she is gone from this Realm," she said, choosing her words carefully, "but that doesn't mean you have to forget she existed. What you shared was fast and intense, and it was snuffed out much too soon. Keep her memory close to your heart and learn to live with the knowledge that she loved you wholeheartedly."

Loki took in what she said as she took his arm again, and they continued on their way to breakfast. He silently picked apart her words. "Why does she continuously avoid saying that Sigyn is dead? Am I not the only one with problems accepting the truth of the matter?"

He ate his breakfast in silence, sitting in a far corner of the room, away from his family. After he was finished eating he quietly slipped out of the banquet hall and made his way back to his chambers. He knew he had to take care of the state of things and have her blood cleaned from his floor.

He hesitated before opening his doors, taking a deep breath before pushing the doors open. It was the first time since her death that he had seen the room in the daylight. He slowly walked along the marble tile, taking in the chaotic aftermath of what had clearly been a struggle between Theoric and Sigyn. "She had tried to get away. I'll never know what really happened before I got back here to her." He stepped around the dried puddle of her blood on the floor at the foot of his bed. The blanket was in a tangled mess on the floor; a huge gash was in his mattress where he had left the projection of himself next to her. "The bastard aimed to kill me while I slept. What a coward." He sat on the bed and put his head in his hands.

"Are you going to join me, husband?" he heard her from the direction of the bathroom.

"Sigyn..." he said aloud to himself, looking up from his hands to catch a flash of her hair as she turned and moved out of view towards the bathtub. He knew what was coming next if he followed her; he hesitated, debating whether or not he really wanted to put himself through seeing what he would never have again with her, but ultimately he pushed himself up off of the bed and slowly looked into the bathroom. The water was untouched, the tub still full from their bath. He saw himself at one end, his head tilted back and eyes closed, hands with iron grips on either side of the tub, as her hands and lips touched his skin.

"Why this? Of all things, why this?" He couldn't look away, as much as it pained him knowing he'd never be so close to anyone again as he had been to her. The biting pain in his chest was so intense that he just wanted to scream, but he didn't want to interrupt the hallucinatory sight of her; it was all that he had left. He watched her kissing him in the tub as tears began to roll down his cheeks again.

"You're alone now. You're alone and this isn't real. You can't bring her back, you couldn't even keep her here. You should have known that he would come when he woke; you were a fool to think that the castle was safe enough..." He berated himself in his head, closing his eyes to stop the tears. When he opened them, all he saw was the empty bathtub. Before he could stop himself, he pulled the plug from the drain and watched as the bathwater circled the drain and was gone. He was about to leave the bathroom when he heard her voice again from the direction of his bed. "...I trust you. Don't hold back."

"I can't watch any more of this." He kept his eyes straight ahead of him as he moved across the main room as quick as he could walk, and ducked into the library again. "I just need to sleep, maybe I'll get some peace from this."

xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx

Three hours later, Frigga stood in the hall outside of Loki's chambers, knocking gently on the door. She opened the door when she got no response, slowly peeking her head in; Loki was nowhere in sight. She entered, closing the door behind her, and made her way to his library.

She found him mumbling in his sleep, violently tossing and turning on the couch in the corner of the room. She hurried to him and tried to wake her son.

"Loki!" she shouted, but couldn't rouse him from his sleep. He was obviously having a nightmare. Out of options, she slapped him across the face; he screamed out Sigyn's name and leapt up from where he slept as Frigga wrapped her arms around him and they both collapsed to the floor as she tried to calm him. "Shh, it's alright. You were only dreaming. It's okay now."

He held onto her until he regained his bearings, then pushed away from her onto the floor. "What are you doing here, Mother?"

"It's almost time, Loki."

"Time for what?"

"The funeral." She saw tears welling up in his eyes. "I know that you want to be alone, but I can't allow you to sit this out. Iwaldi and Freya, as well as their other daughters, are all grieving for Sigyn, too. You are not as alone as you imagine."

"I never said that I wasn't going," he said as he stood, "although I will admit I don't know what to say to any of them."

"You can't continue to blame yourself for what happened, Loki," Frigga sighed. "Come, let's make our way down before the streets get crowded," she said, taking his arm as they left his bedchambers.

"Crowded? Why would it be crowded?"

"Even though it was only for one day, she was still part of the royal family. All of Asgard will be in attendance to mourn their princess." They walked the rest of the way to the beach in silence as the night fell over Asgard.

xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx

Frigga and Loki were the first ones to the beach where the funeral was to be held. The healers arrived shortly afterwards with Sigyn's body; Loki refused to look at her, closing his eyes as they passed him.

A few minutes later, Freya, Iwaldi, and their daughters arrived, amidst the other Asgardians filling the beach. Frigga hugged Freya as Loki looked at Sigyn's sisters. What he saw made his breath catch in his throat.

All six of the girls had their hair in braids with wildflowers stuck in their hair, the same flowers from the meadow that he had stuck in Sigyn's window. They were all holding each others hands, forming a chain along the beach; Lofn was closest to Loki and, without saying a word, she grabbed his hand as the funeral began. His first instinct was to pull his hand away, but he stopped himself. He needed Sigyn's sisters now as much as he needed her; they were proof that she had been there, that their love was real.

Sigyn's body was pushed out into the water in the darkness; the archer readied a flaming arrow and Loki looked away as he let it loose in the direction that she had drifted, landing its mark and lighting her body ablaze. Loki looked to his right at the flowers in her sisters' hair, then back to the fire surrounding her body. He took a couple steps forward towards the water, pulling Lofn and, in turn, the other girls, until Lofn squeezed his hand and he stopped in his tracks. He felt sick; he just wanted to run into the water and follow her body past the edge of Asgard. He was losing her for good now.

The longer Loki stood there, watching Sigyn drift away from him, the more he felt that he needed to follow her. He didn't notice that he had started crying and his hands were shaking; all he felt was a rising, uncontrollable urge to throw himself into the water and leave Asgard. Lofn held tight to his right hand, probably the only thing grounding him to the shore. Sigyn's body was almost to the edge where the water fell off of Asgard. Loki dropped to his knees in defeat, watching helplessly as she was about to leave Asgard forever.

"Sigyn..." Loki whispered, barely loud enough for Lofn to hear. He pulled his hand from her and started edging closer to the water's edge. Lofn was quick to try to hold him back but he used a pulse of magic to knock down everyone who had been standing close to him. He stood and walked into the water up to his knees; he was about to dive into the water when he saw Frigga's hand come up to his forehead.

"Don't do this. Sleep, Loki."

xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxxx

Loki awoke hours later on the couch in his library. He didn't remember anything after Frigga had made him fall asleep. He hadn't had any dreams while under his mother's sleep spell, and he actually felt a little bit better now that he had had some rest. He walked out of the library to find that his mother had his room cleaned while he had slept. Sigyn's blood was gone from the floor, and the mattress that Theoric had driven his sword into had been replaced.

He stepped out onto the balcony as daylight started to peek over the horizon. He was about to leave for the banquet hall for breakfast when he heard a voice behind him.

"Can you untie my dress?"

"It can't be...that's impossible..." he thought to himself, covering his ears with his hands to muffle the sound of her voice. "Even if the memories were an echo of her, her body has been...destroyed now. There's no reason why these memories should be this crippling, unless she was still alive. But I watched her body burn, I know I did. Am I going to be plagued by this for the rest of my days?" He hesitated, lingering on the balcony as he tried to reason with what was happening. "I can't tell anyone, they'll think that I've gone mad. I have to learn to control it, to bury it. I have to push Sigyn to the back of my mind; it's the only way I can move on."

Loki lowered his hands, turning around to face the hallucination of her, standing nude just inside the balcony doors, her wedding dress crumpled on the floor. He focused as hard as he could, and watched as she faded away. He looked around his room, feeling wrong for what he had just done. "No, you need to get past this," he reassured himself, before making his way out of his chambers to the banquet hall.