Chase's .P.O.V.
It was now sometime after three pm. Emily had just left to go back home and I missed her already. She was amazing and beautiful. But me, I was a mess. I took a deep breath before returning to my bedroom. I closed the door before grabbing my copy of The Hunger Games and beginning to read. After a few minutes, I was sunk into the book, but I went to the stereo and turned it on. Sound of Madness by Shinedown immediately blasted through the speakers and I put the song on repeat. I couldn't explain it, but the song really fit for how I felt. "I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain. Somehow I'm still here to explain. That the darkest hour never comes in the night. You could sleep with a gun, but when you gonna wake up and fight... for yourself?" I was kinda angry now, it wasn't something that could be initiated by just anything. Except for Spike I was pretty welcome with controlling my anger.
"I'm so sick of this tombstone mentality, if there's an afterlife, then it'll set you free. But I'm not gonna part the seas. You're a self-fulfilling prophecy. You think that crying to me, looking so sorry that I'm gonna believe, you've been infected by a social disease. Well, then take your medicine." I looked down at the cuts on wrist. This is why we cut, the madness, the need to know we're still alive by feeling pain and watching the blood run out. I felt the definitive urge to get out the razor again. The addiction is maddening. It both weakens us and makes stronger at the same time. Sometimes we fight the urge, other times we don't. But it all makes sense eventually.
Angry tears were streaming down my face and I felt alone even though there were people around me. I grabbed the razor from the bathroom and I slit my wrists again. I didn't feel anything this time. I just watched the blood run out and into the sink. The trickle of blood slowly stopped, afterwards which I got the bandages out and fixed my wrists. I slid on a plaid long sleeve shirt over my black Avenged Sevenfold t-shirt and I went and sat on my bed. Everything just flashed before me. Between everything that has happened, I don't know if I can handle any more of it. I thought about just ending it all. But then that would mean not having Emily or being able to have any kids when I get older. Emily is all I need. And maybe family as well. But even though Davenport raised me and I grew up with Adam and Bree, I really didn't have any family. I was just genetically created in a lab and developed in a tube. That really doesn't count for family. If I only knew about my real parents and if I had any siblings. Even through that, Bree and Adam were almost like they were my brother and sister by blood. But I knew they weren't, which just added fuel to the fire.
The fire was a mix of anger, sadness and depression. It burned everything in it's path until there was nothing left. When there was nothing left, all hope was lost until someone found you again and fixed you. But sometimes, finding a person to fix you was hard. I couldn't tell Bree because then she'd tell Davenport and he might send me away so I could get better. And then I wouldn't be able to go to school or see Emily. I could possibly tell Emily, as I believe she went through something similar, but I wouldn't know how to tell her. And if she does like me, even though she now knows I'm bionic, I don't know what she'd think about all this. Weather she'd help me or be afraid of me. That was something I was afraid of. I love her. And if she stopped liking me, I would die. She was my One Thing. The person that would save me from everything. I just... I just don't know right now. It was maddening really, not knowing how she felt about me. Maybe if Adam and Leo hadn't interrupted us this morning, I would know. But I can't blame them, as they're like my brothers. And things always happen.
I sighed, staring up at the ceiling. If this was what life was like, I don't know how much I can take. But I need to try. For Emily.
Ok, this chapter is pretty short after the length of the last two chapters, but it makes sense, as the next few chapters will probably be big in the Angst and Drama. So anyways, I hope you like this chapter in all it's Angstness and give the song Sound of Madness by Shinedown a listen. It's one of my favorites and of course, really fits for the chapter. I love Shinedown, one of my favorite bands. Love you guys. Thank you.
X, Breana.
.P.S. I'm turning 14 tomorrow on Saturday Feb. 9th. Whoop! Same age as Mateus Ward so more Whoop! Hehe. Again, thank you lovelies for reading and reviewing. Also, Rainbow cupcakes for all of you! :D