The Chronicles of Vincent Missiles
This is the story of what really occurred in the game Final Fantasy VII Dirge Of Cerberus that they didn't show us. Featuring Vincent Valentine as our main hero.
Beware of character bashing and more randomness than ever before.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these wonderful characters. I don't own any of the "normal" jokes used in this chapter. I don't own the mentioned and mainly focused on TV show but I wont spoil anything so go and read it for yourself
The day had passed rather quickly in Vincent's mind. He had spent his whole day hanging out with Cloud and Cid and getting in some quality male bonding. Cid and Cloud thought he could use hanging around other guys because they thought his fashion obsession was getting a little out of hand. Cloud had recently departed from Vincent humble home in Spain and now Cid and Vincent were contently watching T.V
"Vincent this show sucks! Give me the converter, let me pick something" Cid said as he grabbed the remote control from Vincent's hands.
"I happen to love that show Cid! It happen to be one of my favourites, the one where Chandler goes away on Christmas holiday and then comes back to spend time with his friends and Monica, it's such a good episode." Vincent protested as Cid hastily flicked through the channels.
Cid found a channel that he obviously thought was entertaining so he left it there for a second.
"Cid…may I ask exactly what this is?" Vincent said
"Haha I haven't seen this show in forever" Cid chuckled
"What is it exactly…" Vincent asked
"Its called 'Yo Mama' Cid replied.
'Your mamas so fat that when she jumped in the air she got stuck!' Vincent heard someone shout from the T.V
"It's when two guys go at it in an all out 'your mama' diss' battle for money." Cid continued
Just then the show ended and it Vincent just watched the credits go by. It said that they were always looking for new contestants and then it flashed a phone number across the screen.
"Vince! I dare you to try out for it!" Cid yelled as he grabbed a pen and since Vincent was too poor to have a notepad, Cid scribbled the number on his hand.
"No way…I've never even tried to 'diss' someone before and I don't really seem why it's funny or even necessary to hurt someone else's feelings…"
"Come on man, just make up something right now"
"I don't want to…why don't you try out"
"Because you would be perfect come on man you have to" cid begged
"No"
"Come onnnn Vince" Cid whined
Vincent was starting to get angry with Cid and his raged caused him to lash out at Cid.
"YOUR MAMA'S SO POOR I'D SWEAR SHE WAS SPANICHE!" Vincent screamed.
"HAHA good one man" Cid said
Vincent was still angry at the fact Cid had gotten his way and he didn't notice Cid call the show and give them Vincent information. He had hung up the phone before Vincent had registered what Cid had just done.
"CID! you didn't!" Vincent yelled.
"Oh come on Vince…it'll be good for you to engage in some male activities for once." Cid replied.
"SHOPPING CAN BE AS MANLY AS YOU WANT IT TO BE!" Vincent yelled, his anger now making him flushed in the face. "Well if you already called in I might as well start thinking of DEGRADING JOKES THAT HAVE ABSOLUTLY NO PURPOSE!" Vincent screamed and he stormed off into his bedroom.
Meanwhile behind the stage of yo' mama
"Yo playa, we got a new boy that wants to try his luck out here at the show" yelled Gangsta' number 1 (A.K.A Joey)
"You know the drill 'G' just get him down here in the afternoon tomorrow for his preliminaries foo'!" replied Gangsta' number 2 (A.K.A Max)
"Fo' sho' 'G'" replied Gangsta' number one and he walked off.
Back at Vincent's house
Vincent was warming up to the idea of being on 'yo' mama' and he was writing down random 'yo mama' jokes on a paper that he had found blowing around outside of his house one day that he had saved. He was so busy writing crazy joke ideas he didn't hear Cid come and approach his door.
'Knock knock'
"Vince, I'm sorry, if you really don't want to be on the show I can call them back and cancel it"
"It's okay Cid, I am actually really starting to find this entertaining, you can come in if you want" Vincent replied.
Cid walked into the room and sat next to Vincent on his 'bed' (a futon on the floor with a Versace patterned sheet on top) He went to look over at Vincent's paper and Vincent hurriedly snatched up his paper and held it close to his chest and out of Cid's view.
"No Cid!" Vincent scolded "These are a secret until I have to tell them to someone, I don't want anyone's opinion unless I ask for it" Vincent said.
"Okay, whatever man" And with that Cid got up and left the room to let Vincent finish up his jokes.
The phone rang and Cid picked it up to answer it.
"Hi Vincent Valen…Missile's residence, Cid speaking"
"Yo playa' I'm just ringing you up to confirm Vincent's place on the show."
"Oh yes Hi, so where is this show being held?" Cid asked Gangsta' number one.
"One house from that creepy ass building with no sign on it in Midgar. Tomorrow at 1pm sharp 'G' you know the building I'm talking about"
"Yah I know the one…so is Vincent expected to talk and be like a gangster on this show…no offence or anything to you guys."
"Naw man, we 'aunt need some white trash wangsta' all up in our faces yo"
"Well Vincent's not really white trash he's Spaniché" Cid replied
"Whatever yo…so drop by at 1pm yo, this is just the preliminaries, so this is just the qualifying round yo. Don't be late"
And so they hung up after that very awkward conversation. Cid walked back into Vincent's room to tell him when his appointment was. Vincent suddenly felt that he would need Cid to help him with his jokes.
"Cid, I really don't think anything I say can beat any of the other guys…" Vincent said
"Well…let's hear one Vince, give me one of your best ones so far" Cid said\
"Okay um…" Vincent hesitated as he scanned his sheet for an okay joke before he continued
"Your mother is so dense that she got lost in a 3 meter by 3 meter crevaché" Vincent said.
Cid chuckled. "That's not to bad man, but instead of saying your mother is so dense say 'yo mama is so stupid'. It's what they will be expecting, unless you wanna catch them off guard a bit." Cid suggested.
Vincent seemed to think this over for a minute and decided that he would decide on the spot. After Cid had told him about his meeting and he had come up with enough jokes he decided to go to sleep to prepare for his big day tomorrow. Cid decided to crash on his couch because he would probably be accompanying Vincent to the audition tomorrow.
The next morning Vincent awoke to a rush of adrenaline. This was his big day. His chance to prove himself as a your mama joke champion. He jumped out of bed and went to wake Cid. He noticed Spanky had crapped dangerously close to Cid's mouth and cringed as Cid sniffed the air and awoke only to start yelling about he was going to kill the bird. Once Vincent had calmed Cid down they got dressed and headed off to the old 'yo mama' warehouse in downtown Midgar. If they didn't have an airship at hand they would have never been able to make it back to Midgar from Spain in time, but thankfully they did.
When they arrived Gangsta number one greeted them at the door.
"What's poppin yo! You must be Vincent and Cid, good to meet you yo' get on in here" He said
"Thanks" Vincent said with a smile.
Once they were inside Vincent looked around the room. It was quite small and looked like an abandoned warehouse.
"Ah right on time, I'm surprised" Said Gangsta' number two who just popped out of nowhere.
Vincent just stood and smiled at him nervously.
"You must be Vincent, I'm Max, nice to meet you 'G'"
"Nice to meet you to Max" said Vincent
Gangsta' number 2 (Max) showed Vincent around and showed him his opponent who was a buff black guy who's name was Darren.
Once Gangsta' number 2 was done showing Vincent around he had 5 minutes to prepare for his dis-battle preliminary match.
"Will both jokesta's come out onto the playing field" Yelled Gangsta' number one.
"Let the dis' begin!" Yelled Gangsta' 2, and so the dis-battle begun.
Darren was first to yell out a dis
"Your mama's so stupid she blinked and got lost!" Darren yelled.
"Your mamas so poor that she can't even afford the proper amount of rusty spoons to properly assemble a birdcage!" Vincent retorted.
Gangsta' numbers 1 and 2 were both very confused about Vincent's weird joke but just let it continue.
"Your mama's so smelly that even her poops glad to escape!" Yelled Darren
"Oh yah, well your mama's so stupid she played all of Dirge of Cerberus without even knowing how to attach her Materia to her gun!" Vincent retorted. (A/N heh heh, I so didn't do that ;)
"What…" Darren muttered very confused but he continued on with his jokes.
"Your mama's so poor that her boobs are real!" Yelled Darren
"YOUR MAMA'S FEET ARE SO CRUSTY THAT I THOUGHT THEY WERE 2 WEEK OLKD ENCHILADAS!" Yelled Vincent.
"OOOOOO BURN!" max screamed as he came down from his judging pedestal upon which he was standing for the duration of the battle
"Congrats Vincent! That last joke just made up for all of your weird ones before that, I have a Spanish background and old crusty enchiladas are not good at all yo!" Gangsta number 2 yelled.
"Oh my! You're joshing me! I so did not just win that!" Vincent squealed.
The gangsta's just reassured him and told him that he would be moving on to tomorrows show and to meet in the parking lot of this building for the taping at 5pm.
Back at Vincent's house...again
"Cid can you believe I won! And I didn't even use my best jokes! I'm totally gonna' cream my opponent tomorrow!" Vincent squealed.
"Now don't get over confident Vincent we will find out everything tomorrow. I'm going to invite our friends to come and watch, Max said it was okay. Is it okay with you Vince?" Cid asked
"Yah of course" Vincent replied. He immediately regretted it because he remembered that Yuffie would be attending then. 'Oh well' he thought 'this way she can hear the awesome jokes I made about her'.
Cid made his phone calls and it seemed everyone would be attending the show tomorrow. Vincent went into his room to perfect his remaining jokes and Cid crashed out on his couch again. Vincent was so hyped for his day tomorrow he forgot to put his dishes away, but what's new about rotting tomahtoé's laying around his house anyways.
The next morning Vincent and Cid got an early start and headed around all of Midgar to pick up their friends before heading down to the 'yo mama' studio.
When they arrived Gangsta' 1 and 2 greeted them and set them up for the filming. Vincent was introduced to his new opponent; Dan and quickly briefed on how to act on TV. Yuffie, Tifa, Cloud, Reeve, and Cid all got seated on the stands and prepared to watch Vincent battle it out with some random gangster.
"WHOOT GO VINCE!" Yuffie screamed.
"Yuffie shut up, the show hasn't even started yet" Cloud scolded.
"I was just being supportive…" Yuffie replied.
As soon as everyone quieted down Gangsta' number 2 did his introduction to the show and then it began.
"And now pimps and ho's, LET THE DIS' BEGAN!" Max yelled.
Vincent's opponent was first to yell out a dis
"Yo mama has such a huge moustache that she braids it!" Dan yelled
"BOOOOO!" Yuffie screamed
"Yuffie shut up!" said Tifa and she nudged her in the shoulder.
"Is that all you got!" Vincent said "Yo' mama is so stupid she thought Spaniché wasn't the word for stereotypically poor Spanish!" Vincent yelled!
"Oh Jesus…Cid didn't you revise his jokes before you let him come here!?" Reeve asked
"No he wouldn't let me, plus this is gonna be hilarious!" Cid said, and then he started chocking on his piece of straw he always chews.
"Yo mama's so dirty that she was banned from a sewage facility because of sanitation worries!" Yelled Dan
"Your mama's so ugly that I thought she was Yuffie!" Yelled Vincent
"WHAT DID HE JUST SAY!" Yuffie yelled in fury.
"Yo mama's teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!" Dan retorted
"Yo mama's teeth are so brown that I thought they were tacos!" Yelled Vincent. He could hear distant laughter coming from gangta' number 2 at his Spanish related joke.
"Yo' mama's so fat that when she stepped out of bed, the earth sunk." Dan yelled
Dan's lame common jokes were beginning to draw small boo's from the crowd while Vincent's jokes were strange enough to keep the crowd interested.
"Yo' mama's so stupid that when she first saw Reeve she didn't mistake him for Dave Navarro!" Vincent yelled.
"WHAT!" Reeve yelled and his face went red with anger.
"Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical Order !" Shouted Dan
"Yo' mama's so stupid! SHE STILL SAYS MISSILES! (Miss-elle-s)" Yelled Vincent.
No one really understood this one but it got Vincent's friends on the ground gasping for air in-between their laughing fits. Dan was getting worried because he didn't know if he was winning or loosing because Vincent's jokes were so strange.
"Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!" Yelled Dan
"Yo mama's so fat that I'd swear she wasn't Spaniché, because if she was, she would be skinny and starving from mal-nutrition."
"What's with you yo'?" Dan yelled but Vincent seemed unaffected by his comment and didn't even give Dan anymore time to think of jokes, Vincent just kept on yelling them out.
"Yo' mama's so poor she works at an ass-carpet manufacturing company! Yo' mama's so messed up that if you looked up the term 'living sty' in the dictionary you would see her name under it!"
Dan just looked stunned and Vincent decided to dish out his final joke
"YO' MAMA'S SO STUPID SHE'S NEVER EVEN HEARD OF VERSACE!" Yelled Vincent.
"WHOOOOOO" cheer cheer clap clap
Gangsta' number 2 came down and grabbed Vincent's arm and swung it into the air.
"CONGRADUALTIONS MR.MISSILES! YOU ARE THE ULTIMATE YO' MAMA DIS CHAMPION!" He screamed so he could be heard over the roar of the crowd.
"YAY VINCE!" screamed Vincent's friends as they ran down to congratulate him. Tifa gave him a big hug and Cloud gave him a nice handshake and a man-hug. Reeve and Yuffie decided to just glare at him for a minute and Cid was just laughing.
"Vince, did you really have to humiliate us like that!?" Yuffie screamed.
"Oh don't worry guys, it's not even like anyone knew who you were."
"Well you didn't pick on Cloud, Tifa or Cid though!"
"Your moms so naïve that she gave Cid money for booze…" Vincent muttered as they walked off. Yuffie started to giggle and Cid just glared at him.
"Your moms so gigantic I thought she was one of Tifa's boobs." Vincent sniggered.
"Vince that's enough!" They yelled.
"Your moms so stupid she took Cid to the pet groomer's and asked them to trim his whiskers"
"VINCENT!" They all screamed in frustration and they tackled him to the ground.
"Your moms nose is so pointy I'd swear it was Clouds razor!" Vincent screemed from under the pile of his friends
"This is going to be a loud night" Tifa sighed over the noise Cloud was making now smacking Vincent upside his head.
Good?...bad? I don't know. This chapter was really really long I'm srry I'm srry!!!
Please forgive me!
You didn't come all this way in the series just to stare at the page! If you have read this please review.
I'm not sure if I should continue this series for veyr much longer...if you think otherwise please review guys! and tell me otherwise!
Thanks for all your support:D
-Generation Pope