Author's Note: So writing at home isn't as easy as I thought it was going to be. I don't have the chapter after this written yet and normally I want to have at least a chapter in reserve, but I'm so proud of this chapter that I really wanted to share it with you all.
Also this is the longest chapter I've ever written and hopefully lives up to expectations! Thank you to each and everyone of you who have faved and reviewed! It means so much to me!
James is able to convince Logan to go back to the hotel to finally have a heart to heart with Carlos. Sure Logan isn't ready to talk to Carlos, but he knows that he would probably never be ready.
So, here they are, halfway down I-4 when James' phone rings. James reaches for the phone, but Logan snatches it out of the cup holder.
"Nope!" Logan shakes his head. "Eyes on the road."
"Yes, mom." James sarcastically responds as he returns his attention to the road. "Who is it anyway?"
Logan looks at the display. "It's Kendall." He hits the accept button. "Thank you for calling James Diamond's phone, he is busy at the moment, this is Logan, how may I help you?"
James playfully punches Logan and shakes his head.
There is silence on the other line. "Kendall?" Logan asks.
Again, no response.
"Kendall? Are you there?" Logan removes the phone from his ear to check the display to see if they are still connected.
"Hey, Kendall! I can't hear you, so I'm gonna hang up. Just call us back…"
Just as Logan was about to hit end, he hears yelling. "NO! LOGAN! Don't hang up! I'm here!"
Kendall grabs the phone from Carlos and takes it off speaker phone.
Logan returns the phone to his ear. "Kendall! What happened?"
Kendall is searching for an explanation to Carlos' inability to speak without telling Logan that it was actually Carlos he was talking to.
"Uhh… umm… sorry, I… uh… got distracted?" His voice rises a key at the last word.
"How did you get distracted? You called us." Logan logically explains.
"Well," Kendall huffs, "I wasn't exactly expecting you to answer the phone, as a secretary no less."
By this time Logan has put the call on speaker. James is trying really hard to focus on the road, but a slight giggle escapes his lips. Logan just shrugs.
"Yeah, ok, whatever… what's up?"
"I was just calling James to see where he ran off to, but I guess I know the answer now."
James chuckles. "Hey, Kendall! I just figured you needed some time to talk and I needed to see Logan."
"Yeah, I guess." Kendall responds hesitantly, unsure of how much James has told Logan. "So when are you coming back?"
"We're actually about 10 minutes out."
"Wait… 'we're'?… meaning you and Logan?"
Logan and James look at each other, confused.
"What exactly do you mean by that?" Logan quips.
"Uhh… Well… I mean…" Logan hears a door unlatch and shut.
In a whisper, Kendall continues, "Are you sure you're ready for this?"
"No." Logan responds matter-of-factly. "But, it's long overdue. James helped me see that. If I don't talk to him now, then I will never be at peace. I just need some closure, Kendall. You told me that you are tired of this entire situation, well so am I. I'm tired of making you and James take sides. This needs to be done." He lets out a breath.
James reaches over and squeezes Logan's shoulder. "Kendall, we'll be there in 5. Meet us in the lobby?"
"You're sure about this, Logan?"
"Again, not really... but 'A life without risk…", right?"
Kendall sighs. That phrase was what got them into this mess in the first place and a part of him regrets ever saying it. "Ok," he concedes, "I'll see you guys in a bit."
"See ya!" James and Logan answer.
Logan ends the call and replaces the phone in the cup holder. Silence, which can only be described as preparatory silence, falls over Logan and James. Neither knows what to expect, but each is preparing himself for every possible outcome. These last five minutes feel like the longest five minutes ever.
Kendall walks back into the room only to find Carlos at the desk hastily scribbling on the hotel-provided stationery. He clears his throat to announce his presence, but it doesn't seem as if Carlos heard him. Kendall walks over to stand behind Carlos.
"Hey, Carlos. James and Logan are on their way here." He cautiously states.
"Yeah, I heard." Carlos responds as if in a trance.
"Well… uh… I'm meeting them downstairs in a few. You coming?"
Carlos freezes, pen hovering just above the paper. He slowly turns to make eye contact with Kendall and shakes his head.
In a barely audible whisper Carlos explains, "Kendall, I can't. Not after everything you've told me. I can't face him and know that all the pain he's felt is because of me. I won't be able to hold it together."
"Carlos, you need to talk to Logan and tell him everything."
"I know that, and I'm going to, but not face to face."
Kendall tilts his head in confusion. Carlos turns back to the paper, scribbles a few more sentences, folds it, places it into an envelope and hands it to Kendall.
"Just…" Carlos sighs, "...give this to Logan. It explains everything."
Kendall sighs, takes the envelope, and clasps Carlos' shoulder. "I wish you'd come with me."
"Yeah, me too."
Kendall steps out of the elevator, scanning the lobby for James and Logan. He spots them at the same table he found James at earlier and makes his way over.
"Hey, guys!" he greets them as he takes a seat.
"So did you and Carlos have a good chat?" James asks as Logan tenses up a bit.
Kendall nods.
Logan and James wait for him to elaborate, but when he doesn't Logan asks, "Speaking of Carlos… is he going to be joining us?"
James looks expectantly at Kendall, but rather than an expression of jubilation that this might be over, he sees an expression of uncertainty. Kendall pulls the envelope out of his pocket. Logan and James watch in impatient silence as Kendall twirls the envelope between his outstretched hands on the table. Again they wait for him to elaborate.
After a few grueling seconds of searching for a way to explain things, Kendall explains. "Yeah… about Carlos… he's not coming."
"Oh," is all Logan can say, but he lets out a breath that sounds like relief.
"So what is that?" James asks, pointing to the envelope in Kendall's hands.
"It's for Logan. It's everything Carlos wants to tell him, but feels he can't say in person."
Logan's eyes widen at the inclination that Carlos can't even come talk to him.
"Why can't he tell me in person?" Logan asks defensively. "Is he just going to break my heart again?"
James and Kendall exchange looks knowing that it's the complete opposite, but agreeing that neither of them can say anything.
"Logan, if what Carlos told Kendall he wrote in that letter is true, I can promise that you won't be hurt." James explains.
"Why can't you guys just tell me?"
"You're smart, Logan. You probably already have a slight idea, but if you hear it from us you probably won't believe it. You need to hear if from Carlos and right now the only way to do that is to read this letter." Kendall slides the letter across the table so that it is in front of Logan.
"Have you read it?"
Kendall shakes his head.
"So how do you know?"
"Would you just stop over-thinking things and read the letter?"
Logan is taken aback at Kendall's sudden outburst, but James diffuses the situation.
"How can you be sure about anything, Logan? Do you think it would be any different if you two were talking face-to-face? Carlos has something to tell you, and for some reason he felt the only way he could was to write it in a letter." Logan nods apprehensively. "Look, Kendall and I will leave you alone so you can decide if you want read it or not, but we'll be right over there," he points to the couches on the other side of the lobby, "if you need us."
Logan skeptically nods as James stands up and motions for Kendall to follow. Kendall hesitates for a second and then stands. He pats Logan's shoulder before he and James make their way to the other side of the lobby.
Logan stares at the letter for what seems like ages. He pushes it away, to only decide seconds later to pull it back, pick it up, try to open it, realize something, and start the cycle all over again. An outside observed would think him crazy for this repetition, but he doesn't care. This process makes sense to him.
After about the 20th cycle, he finally decides to open it. He's not even halfway through the first paragraph when tears begin to fill his eyes.
My dearest Logan,
I'm sorry… I know it seems like a copout but I really am. I've wanted to say that to you from the minute those words escaped my lips. Seeing the shock and hurt in your eyes that night and now knowing how much hurt and pain I have caused you all these years makes me wish we never met and never became friends, but then I would have missed out on the best person I've ever met.
This is something I should have told you that night, but I was scared and unsure, but I love you Logan. I've loved you from our first study session sophomore year. No one had ever had enough patience to help me understand anything in school. I never felt rushed, let alone stupid around you.
I've regretted what I said to you that night every single minute of the past two years. I wasn't as confident as you, Logan, and I didn't have as supportive a family as you do. I did have to tell them what happened and who I am after I lost my scholarship. I lost my scholarship because of you, Logan. I lost it because I didn't have you. I couldn't open up a textbook without thinking of you and seeing how much we drifted apart that last half of senior year and after.
None of this is your fault! Don't ever think that! It was all me. I'm the one to blame. All you did was express how you felt and even accepted the fact that I may not reciprocate the feeling, and I just went and attacked you. IT'S ALL MY FAULT!
I hope that you can finally forget me and move on. You deserve someone who isn't afraid, who will be there for you always. I know I've already lost my chance. All I ask is that you forgive me for what I've done and one day you and I can return to being friends.
I wish you all the best, dear Logie. You deserve to have a happily ever after.
Always yours,
Carlos
The tears are flowing full force, falling and smearing the ink on the page. His heart is beating so fast finally knowing how Carlos feels about him. He tries to compose himself, but it's no use. He gets up walks over to James and Kendall. They see his puffy face, but also see a glow about him and know that Carlos really did tell him everything.
"Where can I find him?" Logan asks as calmly as possible.
Kendall and James respond in unison, "210."
Logan takes the stairs, not wanting to waste a single moment waiting for the elevator. He arrives at the room, takes a deep breath, and knocks on the door. He can hear footsteps coming closer.
"Kendall," he hears the voice on the other side of the door begins as the lock is disengaged, "I told you I ca…"
Carlos stops mid-sentence when he sees that it's not Kendall, but Logan standing in front of him. Carlos is a sight. From the moment Kendall left he hadn't stopped crying so his eyes were all red and puffy and he still hadn't gotten out of his pajamas.
Logan halfheartedly smiles, not knowing what to do. They stand there frozen, until Logan finally breaks the silence.
"Is all this true?" he asks hopefully while holding up the letter.
Carlos refuses to make eye contact and stares at the floor as he nods. "Yep… every word."
Before he knows what's going on, Logan pulls him into an embrace and tears begin to fall. Carlos breaks down as well and there they stand in the doorway, crying into each other's shoulders saying nothing and everything at the same time.