TITLE: The Inquisitor and the Recalcitrant Mage

CHAPTER: 10, If I Loved You

If I loved you,

time and again I would try to say

all I'd want you to know

If I loved you,

words wouldn't come In an easy way,

round in circles I'd go

Carousel, If I Loved You

The Frostback Mountains were making quick work of the last of the sun's rays, when Jaiden Edouard Trevelyan stopped to shade his eyes against the flickering horizontal light. Exhausted and depleted, the young man stood at the top of a path about a half a mile from Skyhold, searching the stone windows for signs of torches flickering to life. With his starved body canted forward, eager eyes counted the lights and wondered if there was any place left in this land where he could call home.

A north wind blew off the mountains, sweeping a shower of ice over him and obscuring his view of Skyhold. Shivering and raging against the weather he pulled a wolf skin out of his pack and shrugged it over his shoulders. The movement shifted the books in his pack, nearly tumbling them into the snow. It took both hands to stop them from sliding over the edge. He caught the books with his left hand and grunted with pain. Most mornings his hand ached so badly he kept supported inside the opening of his shirt. Would the Inquisitors mark on this hand ever leave him in peace? Perhaps the mark might stay with him to remind him of how many lives he'd taken.

What about the lives he'd saved?

The books reminded him again of why he was here and what he might find when he arrived at the gates of Skyhold. The mage might be dead or gone back to Tevinter. He really didn't know and didn't know how might react of either turned out to be true.

A month since he'd closed the Breach and eight weeks since he'd helped Dorian defend Skyhold. Yet, winter hadn't lost its grip on the mountains. Jaiden scratched his chin through his the beard and watched. What right did he have to knock on the gates of Skyhold?

There was no real place for him, the youngest son of the Trevelyan clan. He'd spent exactly three days at his brother's court. One evening after a grand feast, his brother placed an arm around him. Little brother, he'd said. Go make your way in the world. It'll make a man out of you. Apparently, he'd forgotten about the Inquisitor part. Then he'd settled an obscene about of royals on him and showed him — as only a loving older brother could — the door.

Jaiden took an hour to visit their parent's crypt and left without backward glance. With these books, the weapons he'd left behind to attend the Chantry Conclave and a memento or two from childhood, he'd taken to wandering. The beard and longer hair kept most people from recognizing him. It wasn't a bad life. Very few expectations of him made life simpler. A few hours' work and most days he could get a bed and some food.

A life of faith was not for him, he knew it now. He'd always known it. Hadn't he always been the one who begged his father's soldiers to fight with him and teach him everything they knew? In his father's exercise yard, he'd learned how to wield a sword, kill a man with his bare hands, and use a bow and arrow. What he'd never realized was how good he'd become. Fighting Corypheus refined his skills and bloodied his hands.

Dorian had teased him many times about is killing abilities.

Jaiden scrubbed an aching hand over his face and adjusted the pack on his shoulder. With a heart full of emotions he no longer had the energy to sort, he started down the slippery path toward Skyhold.

A few minutes' walk found him in a deep ravine of rock screes and old snow. Animal prints in the snow revealed a second path he knows would lead him out of the mountains to the alpine meadow below. An hour of dangerous walking would get him to warmer climes and away from the growing storm in his heart. Anyway, wandering had its benefits, if you didn't mind missing a meal or two, a man could believe he was free. It was the long nights that reminded you what a lie that was.

He'd also learned that some things stay with you. Many nights he'd spent looking up at the stars, thinking about the mage. Jaiden had often smiled into the night remembering the man's satirical humor and the gentle shy smile he kept hidden from everyone else. The mage had gifted those soothing hands and smile to him and he'd thrown them away.

That night. That horrible night, he'd run to Dorian without a moment of hesitation only to find him with another man. Although, he understood what happened that night he'd found Dorian in the hands of that pig. Thinking of the mage led him to cursing himself for allowing the moment of forgiveness to pass. Instead he'd opted to run. Should he keep running? The thing he'd done, closing the Breach and all that, was just a magic trick compared to Dorian's achievement of saving these people and creating a community.

Later, perhaps later… in the morning, he'd think again about a life of faith. Cloistered and forgotten, while the world moved on.

Behind him, the drawbridge banged open on the stone bridge. Breath caught in his chest. No, this is too painful. The portcullis follows, clanging open in the still night air.

No.

Jaiden shifts the pack with the wrong hand and curses in pain. He'll have to hurry now if he's to get away unseen. This was a mistake. Perhaps he'll join The Iron Bull and his chargers. A life of fighting for pay and an early death, definitely had its attractions.

A light emerged from the castle. He must move now. Across the lonely landscape, a lantern glows and swings in the darkness. Jaiden forgets to fight the pull of Skyhold and stops. The person obviously knows the way. It takes only a few minutes for him to reach the path where Jaiden stands.

I must keep moving, he reminded himself. His hands and feet are tingling. He'll freeze to death and very soon. The clear night will only get colder, he should move down to the meadow. It's probably only a guard come to see about the intruder.

He'll go now.

"Inquisitor?"

What? That voice. That velvet melodic voice, which mesmerized him with its unspoken promises.

"Lord Trevelyan?"

Jaiden snorted, "My brother has that title and no wish to share a home with his recalcitrant little brother."

"Then, amatus, if I may presume and you know I will." Dorian's voice floated across the night. A voice filled with hope? Was that what he heard?

Jaiden shuddered.

What had he just called him? Jaiden turned so hastily his feet began to slide on the ice. Dorian moved quickly and managed to grab his arm.

"Release me, Mage." Jaiden snarled. "I'm no longer worthy of that endearment. If I ever was." Maker's Wisdom, he needed to get off this mountain before it killed him.

"Jaiden, don't make me say it. You know how I hate that sort of syrupy talk."

He was breaking down by the second. The hand on his arm burned through his threadbare coat. If he looked into those pale green eyes, he'd be lost.

Isn't this what you've yearned for, he asked himself? No, I'm going back to the Chantry… any Chantry… in any town. It didn't matter.

A gloved hand touched his cheek forcing him to turn toward the mage. Dorian. Handsome Dorian. Dorian with his long black hair pulled back with a leather thong. Dorian dressed in a sheepskin coat, gloves, and fur-lined boots.

"Dressing down these days, Mage?"

"Suits my new image. Country baron, and all that. "

"Baron, is it?"

"We're rather casual here in Skyhold. We have a genuine princess here. You'll meet here. Additionally, I work as part time as a Knight in Shining Armor, cook, and horse master. Taken quite a liking to the brutes."

"Dorian."

"Inquisitor, will you allow me to lead you safely to the keep? These paths are treacherous to those who don't know their tricks."

"I'm not the Inquisitor anymore."

"Ah, yes. Cassandra and the boys told us all about it. Well, done."

"Are they still here?"

"Indeed not. Cassandra ran off at the first hint she might be voted the next Divine. Iron Bull and his retinue cashed in on their new fame and took lucrative contract. Varric left to see to his business interests and visit his publisher. I understand it was good news. Something about one of his male relationship stories gaining popularity.

"Slash?"

"Yes, that's the word he used. Never heard of it before. He was was most excited to get home."

Dorian noticed Jaiden relaxing as they talked. He decided to take a chance and with his arm still on Jaiden began to walk toward Skyhold.

"Dorian?"

Behind him, he felt Jaiden stop on the trail. He needed to keep the man moving. Keep talking and walking, so he said the first thing he could think of, "Captain Feathers is still here, though. He seems to think the soldiers you left behind were in need of training. Soft was the word he used. So, it's up with the cockcrow with all the clanging and banging in the exercise yard."

"Dorian? Remember that time you invited me to have a drink?"

"…if you have a mind." Dorian repeated the words he'd said so long ago. Almost two seasons had past since that day. "Well, it's about time, isn't it?"

The hopelessness and exhaustion in Jaiden's voice was breaking him.

"And maybe some food, unless, you see me fainting in your arms as a romantic gesture."

"Romantic gesture, he says," Dorian threw his head back and laughed. The familiar gesture it almost took Jaiden to his knees. "The man hasn't eaten or bathed in Maker knows how many days and he's looking for romance."

"Dorian. Please, stop for a moment." Jaiden stared out at the night. The stars seemed as if they were all around. So close he could reach out and touch them. "I'm sorry," his voice broke. I-I'm sorry…"

Dorian took the icy cheeks in his hands, "Many things have changed, Amatus. But not the lovesick boy watching for his knight in shining armor."

"Don't do that, Dorian. Don't be kind. I've done nothing to earn it."

Dorian closed his eyes and willed himself to stillness. It would take more than humor or familiarity to get through to this lost man.

"Jaiden, we're almost there. Hot food and a comfortable bed await. Nothing more complicated than that."

"No. No, I'll go. I was headed back down the mountain when you came upon me."

"I will not let you go just for the saying. You've only lost yourself. Skyhold will give you the safety and time to find yourself again."

Dorian turned to assist the Inquisitor down a steep spot and became aware of what he could no longer ignore. The golden hair hanging in greasy strings around a gaunt face, threadbare clothes, and feet wrapped in rags. What has happened to this man? He must hide the grief, he was a mage, and he could do it. But he forgot how well Jaiden knew him. When the man reached him, Jaiden stopped. Dorian stopped his body canted toward the man who haunted his dreams. The two men leaned toward each other, yearning, reaching, until their bodies touched.

"I will not leave you to the mountains, Amatus. If it's death you seek, you'll have the fucking courage to die in front of me."

He shrugged Dorian off, "You shouldn't call me that. I don't want to intrude… you probably have someone…"

Dorian laughed again. "And who have you picked out for me? The blacksmith perhaps? A friend, yes. But I require rather less grime under the fingernails."

Jaiden held up his hands to the mages face. Ragged dirty fingernails and chilblains greeted Dorian. "Please come with me. There's food and warmth. Nothing more complicated than that."

"I've missed you." The bag fell to the snow.

"What can I say to help you decide to come inside?"

"Did you love me once? Not the Jaiden I've become. The Jaiden you knew. The idealistic dreamer… the arrogant boy who thought he could save the world."

"You did save the world. Of course I loved you Aamatus. Come inside and I will prove it."

"We hardly knew each other. You have important things to do. Goodbye, Dorian. It's better this way."

"It's not better. Not better by a long shot." Dorian was running out of ideas, but he had managed to keep Jaiden's back turned to the Castle when lanterns began head their way. The mage lost count of the lights. Please hurry, he thought. I'm losing him.

"I haven't eaten anything but a few berries in the last three days."

"Come home with me. Come home."

Jaiden dropped his head on Dorian's shoulder, "I would like to come home now."

Maude the Innkeeper's wife reached him first. "Come along, dearie. We held supper for you."

The Innkeeper shouldered the bag. One by one the townspeople surrounded him and led him back to the warmth of Skyhold.

"If I loved you, time and again

I would try to say all I'd want you to know

If I loved you, words wouldn't come

In an easy way, round in circles I'd go

Chorus:

Longing to tell you but afraid and shy

I'd let my golden chances pass me by

Soon you'd leave me

Off you would go in the mist of day

Never, never to know

How I love you, if I loved you"

If I Loved You: watch?v=2mSEb7Bl0hU