Chapter Ten: Breaking Protocol
-=/\=-
It was late and he'd only just finished up everything that he needed to get done that day. There'd been a minor altercation between some of the people of Terra and some of their crew, a misunderstanding that needed to be dealt with. Now he was looking forward to a nice quiet evening and maybe catching up on some reading. He stopped just outside his door and keyed for entry. He walked in and froze, there was someone sitting on his couch.
"Hello," Kathryn simply said when he finally entered.
His eyebrows lowered as he took in the fact that she was in his quarters, "captain?" he asked confused. He walked towards her slightly, "I don't understand, what are you doing." He paused when she stood and walked up to him, she pressed her finger upon his lips.
"Shh Chakotay, I came by because I needed to talk to you, you weren't back yet, so I let myself in." she stated, she'd lowered her hand and took his urging him closer to his couch. She lowered herself, bringing him with her, encouraging him to sit down next to her. "And it's Kathryn right now, not Captain." She said. Her eyes held a look he couldn't place.
"Kathryn, what is it?" he asked extremely confused, it was rare that she came to his quarters, and she'd most certainly never let herself in before. He took note of her dress, she was wearing a simple pants suit, something similar to the yellow and green outfit she'd worn on New Earth, it wasn't meant to impress anyone. He started to wonder if she was alright, she was behaving so strangely. "Kathryn, are you feeling alright." He'd reached up to hold her shoulders, searching her face to for any sign of illness.
She tilted her head slightly and smiled hesitantly. She let her eyes lower to her hands that were clasped loosely in her lap now. Millions of thoughts raced through her mind, she was suddenly very frightened. Inwardly she had to laugh at herself, she could face certain death and not lose control but anything that involved her own feelings made her feels as terrified as she used to be at the age of six years old during a thunder storm. She finally decided on what she'd say, she looked up and into his eyes; she could see how worried he was becoming. "Chakotay, I'm not alright." She felt as if she were about to cry.
"Do I need to get the Doctor?" he asked, he was terrified now, she was acting so odd.
"No" she stated, "he can't help."
He moved his hands to the sides of her cheeks, holding them gently searching her face for the meaning of what she was saying. "Then what is it." His voice was soft, nearly a whisper.
She felt the tears fill her eyes, "I've hurt you," she simply stated.
"Kathryn?" He was trying to make sense of what was going on, "no you haven't." he tried to reassure her.
"Chakotay, yes I have, and I keep hurting you and you keep pretending that everything is fine, but it isn't fine." Tears flowed freely from her eyes, though her voice remained in control, she hadn't reached belly sobs yet and she was desperately trying not to. "Two days ago, I asked you a very important and difficult question, and you answered it honestly, but the look on your face when you did." She paused needing to take a breath, "It" she looked down; she'd felt him drop his hands to his lap. She knew he was still looking at her. "It broke my heart; I realized how much I've been hurting you."
He watched her, everything that had happened to her had taken a real toll on her, he wasn't sure if she was really aware of what she was saying or not. He wondered if perhaps the surgery she'd had, had, had an adverse effect on her that that Doctor didn't foresee. He reached his right hand up and placed it just under her chin, he lifted her face so that he could look her in the eyes. "Kathryn, I have accepted the roles that we must play on this ship. I understand why you have chosen not to have a relationship. I would be lying if I said that I didn't wish, even for a second, that things could be different. But, you have made it clear that it would be a violation of protocol, and detrimental to the crew if we were to pursue one." He told her, he watched as she took a ragged breath.
"Would it really be?" she asked, she was looking him straight in the eye. "Or, have I just been telling myself and you that because I'm too scared to risk letting myself fall in love again?" she searched his soul for an answer. He wasn't quite sure what to say. He just starred at her, trying to figure out if she was trying to say what he was thinking she was trying to say. Thoughts began racing though her mind at his silence, had she read the whole situation wrong, he'd just told her that he wanted to have a relationship with her, but he was acting as if he didn't. Panic sunk in, and she stood quickly. The tears that had started to settle came back as her chest began to feel heaving and her breath caught in her throat. "I'm sorry." She cried, "I" she took a deep breath as she started for the door, "I shouldn't have come."
She was nearly to the threshold of his door when she felt a strong hand on her arm, "Kathryn." He whispered, she stopped and turned around as she felt pressure push her in the direction. "Don't go, I'm sorry, I'm just, just a little unsure of exactly what you're trying to tell me." He hadn't meant to make her feel uncomfortable; he just needed to be sure she truly meant what she was saying.
Her eyes managed to find his, with much effort, and in a very small shy voice she said, "isn't it obvious Chakotay, I'm trying to say that I love you, and I want a relationship." She was blinking quickly as she fought her losing battle with her eyes.
The words washed over him, he closed his eyes for a brief moment savoring the feeling of what she'd just told him. He opened them again and looked deep into her soul, he let go of her arm, but quickly wrapped her into an embrace. She rested her head on his broad chest and closed her eyes. Her arms snaked around his waist; she felt his chin rest on top of her head. As she stood there she heard him whisper, "I would very much like that as well." The sensation of lips pressed against her head with an audible sound washed over here, and then the words that he'd never said out right before met her ears. "I love you too." That was it, her undoing, she felt herself grow weak as all the pent up emotion of the last five years washed over her. His strong arms supported her and she felt self being lifted, she soon found that she was sitting in his lap as he stroked her back, and for the first time in many years she felt safe.
-=/\=-
The sound of the warp core humming slowly met her ears. She opened her eyes to find that she wasn't in her quarters. Sitting up in a panic it took her a moment to realize what must have happened. She took a deep breath; the previous night had been very emotional. She figured at some point she must have fallen asleep, and he didn't have the heart to wake her up. She through her legs over the side of his bed. She inwardly smiled, the whole room smelled of him, she felt a brief chill go down her spine at the thought. She noticed that the outer vest she'd been wearing had been removed as well as her combadge. She smiled at the thought that he'd tucked her in.
She walked out into the living room to find him reading a data padd. "Good morning," she stated alerting him to her presence.
He looked up and smiled, "good morning, sleep well?" he asked, he had a bit of a goofy grin on his face, but the seriousness of her expression made it change. "What is it?" he was now concerned that she was having second thoughts about what she'd said the night before.
She sat down next to him and turned her body towards him; she took a deep breath and looked him in the eyes. "Chakotay, I did mean what I said last night." She cautiously smiled, "I wasn't drunk, or under the influence of something, I really do want to have a relationship with you. Everything that I went through the last two weeks taught me a lot. I realized that I have been isolating myself because I'm afraid of letting anyone get close." She looked down, she was far more in control of her emotions then she'd been the night before. "Everyone that I've been really close to I've lost, I didn't want that to happen again, so I hid behind protocol, and the crew thinking that it would be enough. But, then I saw how honest you were, and how hurt you were by what I was doing, and I realized that if I kept doing what I was doing, then I would lose the people that I love and care about the most in the worst possible way. They would still be here with me, but the relationship would be gone. I can't stand to have that happen. The truth is, I need you more than anything, especially right now."
He looked down and smiled, he leaned over and placed the padd that he'd been reading down on the coffee table and placed his hand on her arm. "Kathryn," his voice was full of love, "I need you too, and I promise that I will never leave you, you're stuck with me for the long hull, you have always been, and always will. I would love nothing else but to be with you every day, to be able to show you how much I care about you, but I need you to be completely sure that it is what you want, because I will be committed to you no matter what. You will be, and are never, alone Kathryn."
She took a deep breath and leaned towards him, she paused just above his lips, "I want nothing more than to have you by my side with me every day. I promise that I am in this for the long hull too." She closed the gap and pressed her lips against his, sealing her promise with a kiss.
The feeling of her lips pressed against his was exquisite; he pulled her in closer to him deepening the kiss. His arms wrapped around her waist as he rubbed up and down her back. She broke the kiss suddenly as she realized that she'd been in his quarters all night, he looked at her concerned, wondering if even after all that she'd said she'd changed her mind. She locked eyes with him, "Debbie" she stated, the realization that the pup hadn't been cared for.
A rush of relief washed over him, he laughed slightly, "she's fine, I checked on her a half hour ago, while you were sleeping."
She visibly relaxed and leaned back into him, "you're too good to me." She whispered as she closed the gap between their lips again, this time her kiss was far more urgent as she began to rock her hips subconsciously on his lap. She heard him groan, it didn't take her much persuading, and she'd begin removing his jacket. He took her lead, his hands reached for the zipper on the back of her outfit; he paused and looked her in the eyes, a silent question. She nodded and that was all he needed.
-=/\=-
Looking up from his station at the con Tom smiled, the command team had just made it to the bridge. He responded when he'd heard her yell out, "report."
"Captain, we are still in orbit of the planet and all systems are operating at peek efficiency, the gamma shore leave rotation has just beamed down, and Neelix is still busy gathering up more food stuffs." He happily reported he'd looked back at her as she took her seat; she seemed to be in a wonderful mood. He looked at Chakotay who also seemed to be in just about as good of a mood as the Captain was. He couldn't help himself, "sleep well?" he asked them both.
"As a matter of fact Mr. Paris I had a wonderful night's sleep." She simply supplied, she exchanged a quick look with Chakotay a subconscious sideways smile playing on her lips.
Tom noticed the exchange, but decided to play it cool, if their relationship had changed he most certainly didn't want to risk upsetting it. "I'm glad to hear it Captain." He smiled back to her before resuming his gaze at his consul. He was sure that it had changed, he would know soon enough.