Climbing into bed after my shower, I grabbed my phone that was still on the charger, "Heyy," I texted the only number in the phone- Axel's, he texted back and I told him everything that had happened with my mother. I told him how it was perfect. We both went to sleep an hour or so later, after he told me he would be in school tomorrow. Maybe everything really was turning for the better.
My mother was gone when I woke up, leaving a note on the table that she would be back from work before I got home, I walked out the door with an uncooked bagel in hand- I was glad my mother got them as soon as we moved in. As I walked to school I began humming and singing when I didn't have food in my mouth, I started singing in the middle of the song because the beginning eluded me, the song was Ugly Side by Blue October, it came out of nowhere and even though I wasn't sad or unhappy that song wouldn't leave my head. Axel waved to me- I was nowhere near school but Axel was walking towards me, "Hey Roxas," he smiled as he threw his arm over my shoulder.
He seemed so happy even though he was around me- I was happy but with everything that had happened at his house the other day I was glad he wasn't trying to sensor himself or overly worry about my feelings- I was glad nothing between us had changed. Axel acted like nothing was different- like there was nothing different, he hadn't said anything about me having to stop, he hadn't made me promise, he hadn't done any of that, instead he just stayed there for me. I don't think it would've been the same between us if he'd asked me to stop- I couldn't think about having this one thing taken from me- it was all I had.
It wasn't like I relied on it all the time- on good days I didn't even think about it, but recently good days didn't matter because the feelings from Xemnas never really left. But on bad days- everything was a trigger and every reason more to push the blade deeper into my skin, as long as good days continued I'd be fine.
School was actually fun for once- not that it was ever boring but Axel was by me the first few classes so he kept dragging me into conversations and because I was with him- my friend, I felt like I could talk and I actually held conversations for a few exchanges- which may not seem like a lot to anyone else but it was a record breaker for me.
Even though the day was well Axel and I didn't hang out very long after school, he had to do something with his social worker so I walked home when he had to leave after school let out. "Mom?" I questioned as soon as I opened the door, I looked over behind the door as I shut it and saw my mother sitting on the couch, looking at the TV, she must have gotten a DVD player or something because something was playing and she was watching. I was going to go in my room and drop off my backpack when I noticed the bottle of alcohol in her hand.
And this was how it always started.
She get a little alcohol- way more than what anyone else would call 'a little' but it'd just open her up to more alcohol and then she'd be right back where she was before. Maybe I would just go to my room and stay there, as I took a step back to go in my room my mother spoke, "Hey Roxas, how was school?" I was quiet for a second, "It was good…" "Go drop your backpack off and come back out- I got some movies," she put out her cigarette as I nodded my head. Placing my bag just inside my door I slowly walked back out, checking the fridge and freezer for food first, but all I found was bagels, cream cheese, and Half & Half lemonade tea in the fridge, and the freezer had only sausage that I could eat. But there was a ton of alcohol.
Looking at the vodka bottles that had yet to be open I looked back at my mother. "Don't give me that look!" she said, rolling her head to look back at the TV while she took another drink. I didn't say anything but instead closed the refrigerator doors and made my way back to my room, but was stopped by my mother speaking, "Oh, you gonna throw a hissy fit now?" I turned around and looked at her, not bothering to say anything back but just look at her. "It's one fucking drink- God Roxas! I'm not some fucking nun, I like to drink every once in a while, people have a drink every once and a while," "And I don't mind you having one drink, what I mind is it starts out as one drink and then it turns into two and then three and then you're gone for days and I don't know where you are and suddenly you don't want to be a mother anymore- and it's not a choice! You can't choose when to be a mother and when to not be, you are always a mother that doesn't go away because you stop caring!"
Somehow I was venting, I wanted to give my mom the silent treatment but I told her what was on my mind instead, she looked surprised that I had yelled back- seeing as how I don't do that very often. My mother sat the bottle on the floor next to her after a few minutes of silence, she waved her hand, "Come here Roxas…" she said quietly, but I didn't move, I stayed staring at her instead, "Come on," she said softly again. She kept watching me and slowly I found myself hesitantly moving towards her, till I was right in front of her, she looped her hand that she had used to wave me over around my own hand and gently pulled me to sit next to her.
Her hand moved to wrap around my shoulders, she held me tight and we stayed silent while the movie rolled on, Anastasia was singing and dancing on the screen, and somehow by the end of the movie my mother and I were both sitting comfortably on the couch laughing with the sassiness of Anastasia and the Demetri. "I bought a whole bunch, go pick out one for us to watch next," she pointed to the stack by the TV, un-eagerly I walked over to see the DVD's, I grabbed out a movie I knew was my mother's favorite- Alice in Wonderland, the 1951 version by Disney. We sat together on the couch, my head in her lap to her request, we fell asleep like that.
But I realized- my mother never promised me she wouldn't go back down that road.
She woke me up when she got ready to go to work, I was still asleep on the couch, I retreated back to my bed for the next two hours till I had to be up for school. Axel met me again- except this time he met me at my house, he knocked on the door, "Hey Roxy!" he smiled when I opened the door, "Don't call me that," I opened the door more and walked away, he followed me back to my room while I looked to find clothes to put on, having just woken up not two minutes before Axel knocked. He flew to jump on my bed, scaring the crap out of me, "What the hell!" I whipped around to look at him, he just had a huge smirk on his face, "You're going to break my bed," "Oh psshhh- if I broke your bed it wouldn't be from me diving onto it."
My face turned beat red as I turned to look at him, he instantly started laughing, rolling onto his back while his voice bounced around in the room, "Someone's got a dirty mind," I threw my shirt at him, "You're the one who insinuated it!" I realized I threw the shirt I planned on wearing, so I stood up and walked to grab it but as I put my hand out Axel snatched it, "No, you don't get it back- you threw it at me," he rolled to face the wall, the shirt in a ball held tight to his chest.
Kneeling on the bed I bent over him to try and grab it. "Hey- I plan on wearing that," I told him when he just wiggled my hands away, I tried to grab it out again, my weight falling on him so I had full use of my hands and arms and so he couldn't get anywhere. "You're cheating," he called, as I started to get ahold of the shirt. "How?" grunting as I pulled on the shirt hard, "You're using body weight," "You calling me fat?" our conversation was second and barely noticeable to our struggle between our hands and arms over the shirt. "You fat? That's like calling me ugly," "That's a matter, of, opinion," I struggled, almost having the shirt, I yelped when he managed to have us flipped so he was now sitting on my stomach with his knees at my side, trying to get the shirt back, "As if- it's common knowledge," "Well," I started, "Isn't someone cocky." All he did was laugh at that.
After a while, and a very tedious struggle later, I was walking into the bathroom to change but as I turned to shut the door I found Axel standing in the door frame, "Hurry up… okay?" he sounded worried and it didn't make sense to me why till after I nodded my head and shut the door. I went as fast as I could, I grabbed another bagel and we walked to school- I could go to school as long as Axel was there, everything seemed so much easier.
Another school day down where I wasn't quiet- no one expected me to speak but people still bothered to talk to me and that was something new, I felt like I could finally be accepted somewhere. Is that strange to say? To finally feel like you're accepted even though it's in a school? Well… either way, I felt like if everything kept up like it was then I'd have very many more friends than just Axel, though Axel would still be my best friend. School wouldn't be a panic attack I had to survive through every morning because I didn't know how the day would go.
I got back home, "Mom?" I called, I looked but didn't see her sitting on the couch, I took the time to investigate but I found her nowhere, I also found no food in the fridge- the same was there from the day before so not much. Watching the same movies we watched the night before as I sat on the couch and did homework waiting for my mother to get home, Axel started texting me when it was getting dark, I told him that I wasn't really happy but I didn't tell him that my mother wasn't around. He didn't know of the deal between my sister and mother but I didn't want Axel to tell in case he told my sister, I also didn't want to worry him.
When I woke up it was because my mother was quickly moving around to get ready for work, I watched from my door as she tried to find everything, "Roxas- find my shoes," I sighed but moved and began looking, finding the shoes apart- one outside the front door while the other was at the foot of her bed- where her shoes always ended up when she was drunk and on the verge of passing out.
She grabbed them out of my hand and patted my head while running out the door, "Bye," she said as she walked out the door, "Welcome…" I mumbled when she was already gone, I grunted as I stood up, hating that I was awake before I needed to be, I didn't bother to go back to sleep, instead I took my phone and texted Axel but he didn't respond, I waited half an hour. Sure we wouldn't talk about anything important or about the fact that I was really just itching to lock myself in the bathroom- but just talking with Axel would distract me, but again- Axel's a normal human being that's asleep at this time in the morning.
As I was about to get in the shower I realized I still wanted sleep- and I didn't want to go to school, I texted Axel, "Nvm, sorry for texting so early, see you tomorrow." And left it at that, I jumped in the shower razor in hand, as I looked at my wrist I saw the bruises fading and the gash left by Xemnas on my cuts had scabbed over yet again. I ignored it though, the scabs going up my arm were small and thin and easily rubbed away when the water hit them, the veins above the gash that showed through the bruising is what caught my attention.
Scarring wasn't really my end ideal at the moment- I wanted to bleed and drain my body, I placed my blade on a pale vein and poked, tugging with little pressure. The skin split barely and almost no blood came out- at least not fast enough, so I did it again and again and again, pressing hard each time and pulling the blade further. By the end of it I had a cut that stretched around my wrist horizontally under my thumb- and it was an actual cut, by the time the bleeding stopped I was even more tired, hugging my wrist to my chest as I huddled under my heavy blanket- even though it was still summer- almost autumn- and I had a long sleeved thermal covering my upper half and arms I was still cold.
I was almost asleep when my phone started buzzing, luckily I hadn't gotten the motivation to roll over yet so the phone was still by my hand, of course it was a text from Axel, "Why?" I didn't bother to respond but instead put my phone down and tried to go to sleep. Then it started buzzing again, and again, but I didn't even bother to look- it would be Axel and there wasn't anything really important I knew he had to tell me. And of course- I get almost asleep yet again and I hear knocking on the front door.
When the knocking doesn't stop I roll out of bed and rest my head on the door, wishing we had a peep hole so I could see who it was, then of course my phone starts going off yet again, but this time it's buzzing constantly- who's calling me?
"Roxas- it's me," I hear from the other side of the door, of course it's Axel, I unlock the bolt and handle and open the door, he pushed it open and let himself in, "Sure you can come in," I say with weak sarcasm, "Sorry… I just didn't want you slamming the door in my face or something…" he scratched the back of his head, I would've probably shut the door on him so I couldn't really blame him- then again I was tired and didn't really give two shits, nodding my head I continued to look at him but he didn't say anything, "What're you doing here Axel?" "What were you doing?" "I was trying to sleep…" I rubbed my eye while speaking.
"Well," he started, "A few reasons I guess… the projects due today and we haven't really finished so I figured we could work on it after school and give it to Aerith because it's almost done, I wanted to apologize for not texting back but you never replied," then he said something under his breath, "What?" "Because I…" he mumbled yet again, so I just moved my head to push my ear towards him, "Because I was worried about you," he finally said, acting like he was defeated in some way. "Why were you worried?" my voice trailed off as Axel gave me a look that said don't bullshit me.
He was quiet for a few seconds, "Why were you up so early this morning?" "My mother had to go to work," "Oh…" I started to walk back towards my room in search of a hoodie because unlike Axel my body didn't heat like it was the sun and this morning was chilly. "Are you going back to sleep?" "Will you let me?" I hadn't been thinking about it but if he was going to let me than I sure as hell would. "I'm not going to stop you from sleeping Rox," "Then yes," "Are you okay?" I stopped from pulling the covers of my bed back and looked at him, "What's with all the questions?"
His smirk wasn't present, "Did you hurt yourself again?" I looked at the bed in front of me, ignoring him, and climbed into bed, "I'm going to sleep…" I curled into the blanket and against the wall. The bed dipped next to me but I tried to ignore it and go to sleep, I felt his hand on my shoulder, "Can I see," "What's to see?" I cut him off, still hugging my wrist to my chest out of habit, "Come on Rox…" he pulled on my shoulder gently like he was trying to get me to sit up. "Come on what?" he kept tugging at my shoulder and there was no way I was going to be able to get to sleep if he kept on bugging me.
"Let me see," "No!" I shoved my shoulder out of his grasp, I hated him asking about them and asking about my cutting- it wasn't any of his business and I wanted to stab of Xemnas' face just because he saw me do it, this was my thing for me, myself, and I- not Axel. Suddenly there was an elbow crook in my face and then my body was moved and I was looking up at Axel, "What're you," my voice was weak and he easily cut me off, "My sister cuts- think I don't know how to deal with people that do?" I scowled at him, hating that he thought he could understand me so easily. "Honey," he started, "I am way more stubborn than you," "Doubt that," he clicked his tongue as he sat back a little, "Doesn't matter- I'm stronger and bigger," "What's that," cutting me off he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder.
"Axel- put, me, down," I pushed at his back in hopes of sliding to my feet but he didn't let go, "Not a chance," he said as he flicked on a light- the one in the bathroom. "Stop," as soon as he put me down I tried to get past him to no avail, he shut and locked the door. "Rox- you've shown me before, I know you don't want me to see and I know you want someone to care," "No I don't," "Maybe not right now," my eye brows furrowed, I'd never really made the connection- but it was true. Sometimes I did want Axel to notice, sometimes I wanted my sister to question me, sometimes I wanted someone to show me just how much they cared- but that was not right now.
"Yeah- not right now," I tried to walk past him but he didn't move, "What's, with, you," I struggled to unlock the door, stay out of his grip, and get the door open, "Always, locking, and, blocking, the damn door!" "Because I know you'll try to run away!" I glared at him, not liking that he was so stubborn. He took a deep breath and I backed up a little, "Have you been taking care of your wrist?" his voice was gentle again, "No…" he let out a sigh again, "Do you have anything here to clean it with?" slowly I shrugged.
"Come on," he unlocked the door, "What?" "We're going across the street to the store and buying some stuff," "Why?" I really didn't want to, "Because Rox, you're cuts are probably infected- they were majorly infected when I saw them and you said you haven't been taking care of them." I never took care of my cuts, that's probably why they always took so long to heal and hurt so bad. He made me get shoes on and he took my house key and put in one of his pockets- I assume, "Hand," "What?" "Your hand, give me your hand so I don't have to worry about you running away on me," Oh he knew me so well.
He had a death grip on my hand and our interlocked fingers before we were even out the door, "Why're you doing this Axel?" "I told you, because they're probably infected," "No… well… yeah, they probably are… but I mean why're you doing this- all of this…" "Roxas," he let out a sigh as we walked into the store, "I already told you- we're friends," he grabbed one of those small baskets and walked straight for the back of the store where medical stuff was located.
Placing the basket on the ground he put peroxide in it, gauze, Neosporin, Q-Tips, and medical tape before picking the basket back up and walking to the check-out desk. And I'm not going to lie- I acted like a baby the whole time, my finger nails were in my mouth and I was chewing on them, my head down as I walked as slowly as I could behind Axel. He practically had to drag me every which way because of how I was moving. He bought it and took the bag, smiling at the cashier and we left. "You didn't have to do that…" I finally mumbled, still sounding like a child, I tugged on my hand to see if I could get loose but his hold only tightened.
Axel didn't let go of my hand till we were back in the bathroom- which means after my hissy fit where I tried to pull my hand out of his and run anywhere but into the bathroom but of course he picked me up when I dropped my weight and just dragged me into the bathroom. "Sit," he told me as he kicked the door shut, pointing to the closed toilet, before he picked the bag that was dropped- to catch me- off the ground and onto the sink shelf. He'd already locked the door and was standing in front of it but I was still trying to think of a way out, I stayed sitting on the ground, "Roxas," his voice was warning as he rolled his head and looked at me.
I chewed at the inside of my lip while pouting, feeling like I was going to cry just from irritation, I climbed onto the toilet lid like he told me and hated every second of it. Staring at the crease where the floor met the wall I tried to block out the sounds of Axel opening what he'd bought and setting it up, he left the bathroom for a second and as I stood to lock him out he turned back and glared at me, so I sat back down. He came back with a bowl and salt- I don't know where he found salt I don't remember my mother buying any, but then again I don't know what she bought since we moved in.
"Shirt off," he turned on the faucet and continued to rip stuff open, shoving the garbage in the bag while he waited but I made no move. I wouldn't go out of my way to cause more problems, like locking the bathroom door, but that doesn't mean I wasn't going to be as damn difficult as I could. "Roxas, shirt- off," he watched me, and I thought, "I wonder if he knew I cut my leg if he'd demand I'd take my pants off," I wanted to laugh at that just to contradict his seriousness but I found I couldn't when he pulled my sleeves that had been bunched up in my hands and reached under my shirt and into my sleeves to pull my arm out of the fabric, I couldn't even struggle because by the time I realized what he was doing he was pulling my shirt over my head.
Shaking my head, I whipped it sideways to fix my hair, but I needed help from my hand to brush my bags back into my face, he didn't say anything because I honestly don't think he even looked at my wrist. My wrist was currently resting against my side, the fabric of my beater felt weird against the cuts. Axel held his hand out but I made no move, "Rox…" his voice sounded less angry but I only looked away. "Listen, Rox… I know you're not very comfortable with this and I know you're pissed at me but I don't want your wrist to get worse and have you die of infection…" Oh yeah, I had forgotten completely that people can die of infection, I honestly forgot all about that.
Hesitantly I lifted my arm and put it near his hand, I watched him dab a Q-Tip end into the cap of the peroxide, he rolled it against the small new gashes and I became fidgety when the liquid seeped into my cuts and bit at me. My free hand shot up so I could bite my palm, it stung and Axel was expecting me to sit still, "You okay?" nodding my head I dropped my free hand and tried to act like it wasn't that big a deal, "S'it really hurt?" nodding my head again, "It didn't hurt last time," again I nodded, "Bit my lip…" I mumbled out, he had a small smirk on his face as he crouched down in front of me, looking at my wrist, "I'd offer you my fingers to bite," he dabbed it against the giant new gash that was around my wrist, as I inhaled in pain he continued speaking, "But I'm pretty sure you hate me enough right now just to bite them off for the hell of it."
I chuckled, nodding as I tipped my head forward, the seriousness was still there but I felt a little better. "These are really infected Rox…" he spoke quietly, standing up and putting the bowl under the faucet- I could see the steam and then the steam disappeared as he switched on some cold water. He poured the salt into the bowl and set it on the counter, "You should let it soak, but you don't have any bowls that are deep or wide enough for you to put your wrist into," he dunked a paper towel into the bowl so it was dripping and drenched and then he laid it on top of wrist, the salt stabbed into my infected and torn cuts.
The paper towel was folded to cover heavily only the part of my wrist that had all the infected cuts occupying it, Axel then put gauze over it and taped it to cover and hold the paper towel to my wrist. "Still wanna go to bed?" he asked and I quickly nodded my head, sniffling while I wiped the corner of my eye off on my arm, there was a lot of reason I felt like I was going to cry and basically I was a dump of emotions at the moment but Axel didn't say anything.
I wanted to put my shirt back on because I was cold in my beater but Axel wouldn't even let me put on my hoodie, so I dragged my feet to my room and laid down facing the wall, my wrist by my face so I wouldn't hurt it. Axel came in and sat on my bed, reaching around me to gently pick up my arm and put a towel underneath it, I realized the salt mixture was leaking now, I mumbled my thanks and cuddled into the blanket with the limbs I could use, hating how cold it was. Even though I expected Axel to leave and go to school he stayed sitting against my back, keeping present in my mind even as I slept and I was thankful for that.
So wow, haven't updated in a few days- I apologize.
There's only five days left of classes till summer break :DD Then I'm a senior and can graduate, till then, I am so fucked for classes that I need to pass -_-... Wanna know a messed up fact? I have failed English every time I've taken it since 7th grade- it's what I speak and yet I always fail it. I failed English and French one year and my mom's reaction was, "What the fuck do you speak then? It's obviously not English or French," she then had to mention it to every person she held a conversation with and uses it as fuel to prove my incompetence to this day, -_-" yeahhhhh and it's weird because I write stories and shiz and yet still. fail. English. every. year. ... It's even weirder because I was dyslexic growing up and was always behind in writing- I could read just fucking fine, but heh... I made up how muh words got spelled (like of- I still write 'ove') but once I got in 6th grade everything just clicked and then I was in advanced reading and writing class. What the fuck kind of shit is that? Anyway, enough of my random babbling :3
Uploaded: May 25, 2013, not edited or anything as of yet.