Author's note : Hi, everybody, thank you so much for the reviews and to follow my story. The previous chapter was romantic and maybe this one is more pragmatic? I hope you will like it and won't be disappointed. As always a big thank you to my beta who is very patient with me.
Chapter 10
Katniss 'pov
I felt a bit awkward after the kiss. Peeta was looking at me with a huge smile and soft eyes. I started to freak out. Should I address what happened? And if I did in what way? To say what? I don't think I could, so I decided to ignore it and walked away to pick up the turkeys. The kisses were just a game between us. Nothing to be upset about. It meant nothing deep. I had no reason to panic. Kissing was good and I felt a bit shocked at the realization . I didn't know how to react but I wasn't going to make a fool of myself . I was eighteen years old not a young girl anymore. My life was not going to change because of two kisses. Delicious kisses, that was true. But just kisses.
"Now we need to collect the berries," I suggested.
"Okay." Peeta nodded then he followed me. I didn't know what to say. I was embarassed. The kisses were replaying in my head. I couldn't stop thinking about his tender lips, his supple tongue, and his strong yet gentle hands. I wanted another one and I needed to stop remembering those kisses. I wondered what he was thinking of me. I acted really out of character and still I didn't regret it. I glanced at him. He seemed deep in his thoughts but not embarassed or upset. His face was relaxed and he was smiling.
"Here we are, there are strawberries, blackberries and raspberries."
"Wow, so much!" He came closer to the trees. "Can I?" he asked me.
"Of course, the woods, don't belong to me. Eat some, they are delicious". He picked some and ate some with a goofy grin. He looked like a child who had gotten the best gift ever.
"Yummy! It's incredible to eat them fresh."
I smiled and ate some too. We collected some for Vanessa and I took some for my family. Peeta did the same, but I got annoyed when I noticed that he really picked a lot. Why did he have to take so many of them?
"Stop!" I ordered him. "Don't take so much, Gale will need some too. You can't take all of them." He froze at my words and I instantly felt bad. First, because I had no right to order him. The berries didn't belong to me or Gale but it felt like it. Second, because I was being unfair, he was just taking more than Gale and I usually collect but there were plenty left. I just felt territorial and I was thinking of Gale and how he was protective of the berries.
"Oh sorry," Peeta said. "I … didn't think. I wanted some for my brother and my friend Delly…and Dad and I got carried away."
I was a jerk. I was stupid.
"No, it's me. I acted like the berries are mine, in fact…" I shook my head, I wasn't talking about Gale to him. "Take some more if you want."
He shook his head. "It's okay. I have enough. It's not good to be greedy"
I had spoiled the moment. I felt selfish and ashamed.
"Katniss, don't be upset. I understand. You discovered it. It's your personal livestock. I really understand." He tried to confort me. How ironic, I was the bully and he was the one trying to make me feel better.
"It's true Katniss. I reacted all the same way once. Delly had overused my watercolors for one of her drawings. I felt protective of them and I didn't like that she had wasted so much."
Except watercolors are not free like my berries, I thought. He took my hand gently in his and I got goose bumps.
"Do you want another kiss so you will feel better about it?" he asked with a grin. I let go of his hand, outraged.
"What?" I squeaked.
He laughed a bit and grinned like a fool. Was he teasing me, mocking me? How dared he?
"Oh you!" I groaned.
He started laughing harder. I moved closer and he took a step back and then suddenly started running away. I then began chasing him. Sometimes, I got so close I was certain that I was going to catch him. But then he sped up and got away. It happened several times until I understood that he was doing it on purpose. There was no way I could catch him. He had powerful legs. I was out of breath but was laughing so hard at the same time and other times so annoyed because he was playing with me. I hated the fact boys grew physically a lot stronger than girls. There was a time I was as fast as Gale and now, he is faster, stronger. It was upsetting. Boys grew stronger and I was still so petite and they were so tall.
"This is so unfair Peeta!" I yelled. I cursed myself for being slower than him even if it was not by much. I was fast but I was loosing precious energy because I was annoyed. I needed to focus, I knew I could catch him. Suddenly he stopped and I crashed into him. We fell on the ground. I was lying down on him. I was exhausted and he felt confortable. I didn't move. I needed some rest. I was breathing hard.
"Wow, Katniss, I didn't know you were a good wrestler.. Look at me down on the ground with you on me," he joked.
I rolled my eyes and added a bit more pressure to pin him under my weight.
"Oh! I see…" he said. Then suddenly, without knowing how it happened, I was the one on the ground with him on top of me.
"Remember I'm a pro wrestler… You are still a rookie," he stated. I scowled at his antics, but couldn't deny my excitement. He was so close to me. I could feel his breath on my neck. His lips… I wanted them on my mouth again. I wanted to feel more of him and taste him and… was I starting to feel frustrated? His eyes seemed to ravish me and a warm sensation seemed to take over me. I felt so hot, like I was a girl on fire. I wanted to resist. I really wanted to, but I was, no correction, my body was attracted to him like metal to a magnet. My heart started to speed up again and my stomach fluttered. I felt like jelly. He was perfectly still. His body on top of mine. It was such a torture. I wanted to feel a bit more of him and I wanted another kiss. I felt myself breathing hard and I didn't dare to move. When Peeta finally moved, he rolled off me, got up, and extended his hand towards me, offering to help me up.
I felt so… disappointed… and angry. I refused his hand and stood up by myself. I just felt denied. It was so stupid to be mad at him because he didn't kiss me, because he didn't hold me. I scowled at him.
He looked at me confused. He seemed to be at a lost.
"Is something happening between us Katniss?" he asked with caution and tenderness. My heart jumped inside my chest.
"No of course not!" I answered. I was too proud to admit that something was happening and it was too early to think that was the truth anyway. For less than a second he seemed hurt, or maybe sad. But then he smiled at me.
"I won't mind you know…if that was the case..." he started. What was he saying? That... That? No, it couldn't be. "But I'm cool being your friend too. I have a lot of fun with you Katniss. It's different to be with you," he tried to explain. "I don't want to lose that. Whatever it is…just friendship or… more. I need this in my life…you know… you…"
It was very confusing and I flushed. All I could answer was, "Yeah." What were we? I didn't know. He seemed to propose to be something between friends and more? What was that? But he was right. Being with him was different than being with Gale or Prim or Madge. I didn't mind having fun, true stupid fun with him. I liked running after him in the woods with no purpose other than simple joy. I felt happy running after him, even if it ended up upsetting and annoying me. I didn't often have fun. Everything with Gale was always so serious. Survival, coal mines, responsibilities, our families, the Capitol. As for Prim… it was my duty to protect her, to take care of her. And Madge… We just didn't talk much. Peeta was different and I wanted to enjoy this difference.
"Good," he said and we shook hands. I felt happy. What we were? I had no clue and it was too early to tell. It was good and special and it was enough for now. I didn't want or need more.
His stomach growled.
"Oh, I guess it's time for lunch," I stated. "I made some sandwiches for us."
"Katniss, you shouldn't have," he said. But his face told me another story. We sat and began to eat. We didn't talk but it felt so great nonetheless.
"It feels like we are in a different country," Peeta stated. "Here it's easy to forget the district. I understand why you like it so much. It's a real escape…a taste of freedom."
I nodded.
"It's easy to forget everything," I confirmed.
"Yeah. I feel the same when I paint. The world around me disappears. Time passes and I'm not even aware of it. I create my own world while painting. I feel free when I'm painting," he revealed.
I wondered if one day I would witness it. I wanted to see his paintings and wanted to see him painting. I shouldn't care but I wanted to know more about him.
"I never would have thought that Peeta Mellark was a painter at heart," I stated.
He smiled.
"I've always used my artistic talent to decorate the cakes. So it's something helpful for my family too"
"You are the one who makes all the pretty cakes. Prim loves to look at them." I didn't mention that I loved to do it too.
"Thank you."
"I like to bake, but I love to paint. I'm a painter and then I'm a baker, in that order. What about you Katniss?"
"Me?" I asked. "I don't know... I love being in the woods. I love to hunt. I need to hunt too, so it's a good thing and I really good with a bow. I like hunting with my bow."
"You don't sing anymore?" he questioned. I was a bit shocked that he knew.
"How?" I was suspicious.
"Oh, we were five. At school, the teacher asked who knew the valley song and you volunteered to sing it for us. You wore a red dress and you hair was in two braids instead of one. You were so pretty and you sang so beautifully. I was only five and I was a goner. Your voice… even the bird stopped to listen to you."
"No way… the birds don't… I don't remember that…" In truth I started to recall a little. I blushed and felt so ridiculously happy.
"Don't you sing anymore Katniss? Your voice is probably even more beautiful now."
I shrugged.
"Not really. I sing for Prim from time to time, when she needs it. She likes to be comforted that way." I paused. I sang sometimes when I was alone, when I was stressed or when I got good news. It was rare. "I don't sing anymore. It's not the same since my fa... my father's dead."
"I understand. He had an incredible voice, too. He sang sometimes, when he came to trade with my father."
I realized that Peeta had memories of my father. For some reason, knowing that calmed me. Someday I would ask him about them.
"Yeah. Did you know that my father wanted to marry your mother but she left him for your father? She was charmed by his voice. My father couldn't compete with that."
I was stunned.
"No way! It's no true!"
"It is. My father told me the story the first day of school. He pointed your mother at me and told me."
There were so many things I didn't know. It felt strange thinking about my mother and the baker. I didn't know anything about my mother's life when she lived the town live of the apothecary's daughter. Maybe… should I ask? Or maybe not.
"At first I didn't understand why your mother would chose a coal miner instead of my father… But then I heard you sing. I felt like her."
My heart skipped a beat.
"I hope one day, I will have the honor to hear you sing again."
I felt embarrassed and I knew I had to be blushing.
"I don't sing often… not anymore."
He looked at the sky.
"Do you prefer to hunt? With your bow rather than sing?"
I frowned. It wasn't the same. I needed to hunt. It was a matter of survival. I liked to hunt too of course. I felt strong and useful. It gave our family something to eat and more independence. I remembered what he told to me about painting and baking. It felt the same for me.
"I like to hunt." I suddenly felt very shy to reveal something so personal for the first time to someone other than my father. Still I muttered the truth. "But I love to sing." I never talked about it. Gale didn't know and he was my best friend.
I wanted to hide.
He looked at me with such tenderness and happiness. There was pride in his eyes too. It moved me because I just confided one of my most precious secrets. I loved to sing and I missed singing. I missed singing with my father.
"You should sing then. Sing whenever you want. Sing about your happiness, your anger, all your emotions. I do the same, I painted them. I feel better when I do."
It was strange to discover we had a lot in common. The difference was that he acted on those things and I didn't.
"Singing is useless in the world we live in. It feels inappropriate and I don't know a lot of songs either. Just... a few old songs…" I didn't mention that I also knew one forbidden song that my mother didn't want to hear.
Peeta seemed deep in his thoughts.
"You should sing whenever you need it. You will feel better. Your voice is a gift Katniss. Maybe you could write your own songs. Put your feelings in them. Make new songs."
"I don't know. I don't think I can do it."
"You won't know if you don't try," he stated.
With Peeta, everything seemed easy. I could try, secretly of course. I could sing in the woods where nobody but the wild creatures would hear. Why not? I never thought about it. My life had been a perfect routine based simply on survival. Peeta was opening doors of possibilities… Singing about my emotions, my feeling, to feel free. . I'd like that.
"So… is that what you do with your paintings?"
He nodded. "Yeah, some are really private… and strange. They look like nothing to others but they're something I need to translate. Sometimes they are about things I need to keep with me. Sometimes… about things I need to get out of me. I need to paint like I need to eat and to breathe. If I don't I wouldn't be entirely myself".
I understood. There were so many times when I decided to not sing when I felt like it because it wasn't appropriate, or because I had better things to do, or because it was useless, but mostly because my father wasn't here to listen to me. But not singing left an emptiness in me. I wondered what my father would want and suddenly I just knew. He sang all the time. He probably sang inside the mines too. He was an excellent father, a good husband, a good friend, and a very great hunter. He was all these things and he had never stopped singing. I made myself stop singing. I had betrayed me and my father.
"Thank you," I told Peeta.
"For what?"
"Opening doors…"
He frowned.
"What?"
I got up. "Let's go. We have a turkey and some berries to bring to Vanessa."
To be continued.
Author's notes bis : To make Katniss sing again or at least make her think about singing again was important to me. At the end of mockingjay, when she is stuck in the room waiting and she refused to eat etc, after Prim is dead, she is in despair and she started to sing. Always thought it was important for her. She sang a lot during that time. I think it was important for her to sing. ^^ In fact, Katniss and Peeta has both artistic souls.