Outtake #10: Herbs

It was perhaps the strangest sight you would ever see if you had been there. For a while now, a flamboyantly dressed pimp and his faithful ho had been battling mind-controlled creatures on a hot desert cliff. As they got to the top of the cliff, they spotted a table on it with some ammo and several potted plants.

"All right!" shouted Chris Redfield, zombie-killing pimp extraordinaire, "Time for a smoke break!"

"Mr. Redfield--" Sheva started, only to be cut off.

"It's 'Chris' or 'daddy.' How many goddamn times do I have to tell you? Now what was it you wanted to ask?"

"You didn't bring any cigarettes with you."

"Cigarettes? Who needs cigarettes? That shit's for poor people! Now stop disturbing me."

Chris took out some rolling paper out of his pocket. Grabbing the green stuff, he chopped it up with his machete. As he grabbed the red herb to chop it up, he started to talk, as if it were a cooking show.

"I picked up this trick back in '99 when I started this whole gig. Sucks that I can't find any of that blue stuff or the yellow stuff, but this'll do for now."

"Daddy..."

"God, you're such an annoying bitch. What?"

"Don't we usually put this stuff into spray cans?" She held up a can of green herb extract.

"You shitting me? Smoked or snuffed is the old school way to take it, not any of this new spray stuff. I mean really, I remember my old woman Jill loved her shit snuffed. I always liked mine in the joint. Hopefully this stuff is as good as the ol' Arklay grade."

Within moments he had wrapped the minced leaves in the paper. Taking out a gold Zippo lighter, he lit the makeshift joint, inhaling deeply.

"Mmm-mmm bitch! This shit is dope!"

In the distance, Sheva could see a truck approaching down the road. Chris had his back turned to it, and was obviously, to use a term, shermed out.

"Woo! I think I'm flying!"

"Sir?"

The truck was approaching them, trying to round the corner.

"Chris?"

The truck was driving too fast though, hitting the rock face and turning on its side with a smash.

"Daddy?"

"Quiet down woman, I'm higher than Jesus right now."

Slowly the back of the truck opened.

"I don't like the looks of this..."

"I'm really liking the looks of this! I'm flying, motherfucker, I'm flying!"

Sheva quickly turned Chris around towards the terrifying sight, hoping that he would at least see it.

"HOLY SHIT! It's like...it's like...it's like a fucking bat monster. This shit REALLY is good! Rastafari, here I come!"

As the Popokarimu took to the air in its clumsy flapping, Sheva hoped to high heaven, unlike Chris, that this wasn't some crack dream. She tried to pull Chris away to safety, but he wouldn't hear of it, even when the Popokarimu was skittering towards them. Finally spooked, she bolted away behind a rock.

"You wanna mess? Take this!"

And out of nowhere he pulled out a grenade launcher, blasting it down and continuing to pour fire into its fleshy weak spot. With a cry of death, the Popokarimu screamed and leaped up into the air, hovering there.

"That's right motherfucker! I don't care what religion you're from, just fuck off!"

And with that he drew his pistol and quickly fired three shots at the gigantic monster, which plummeted into the chasm below with a scream. In a short while, Chris collapsed on his knees, breathing heavily, and then his mind cleared. He got up, looking around.

"Sheva? Where the hell did she go?"

"I'm over here, daddy."

"Dude, Sheva, I just had the most fuckin' MINDBLOWING vision from that herb stuff. I mean, really, it looked like it could have actually been real!"

"But Mr. Redfield..."

"I know, I know, you want in too. Next time I find some red herb you can try some too. But we got a mission to complete, so no more herb for a while. And call me daddy, next time, you hear?"

"Yes, daddy."

The herb=drugs idea is hardly original, but I thought I would do my own spin on it with pimp Chris and whore Sheva. I really didn't get how herbs could magically transform into spray cans in RE5. Moreover, how would you mix them? Doesn't make sense...

I'm pretty sure pimp Chris also tried huffing First Aid Spray in an attempt to get high, but it just healed his sinus problem.