Chapter Nine: The Ups and Downs of Day One

Remus had been up at the crack of dawn, hardly able to sleep due to his nerves and excitement for classes tomorrow. He also had ulterior motives, as he didn't quite trust any of the other boys to respect his privacy enough. So he showered and got dressed before they could even think of opening their eyes. He had dressed quickly and went undisturbed. He had slipped out of the dorm leaving the others to the mercy of James' very loud snoring.

Then he realized he almost had a whole hour before breakfast started, realizing there were no explicit rules permitting him from leaving his dorm in the morning he left the deserted common room and walked through the halls that seemed much more pleasant today. Despite his terrible dream last night he was feeling oddly hopeful about today. He spent some time studying the paintings he had neglected yesterday then figured out where the library was.

He had never seen so many books in his life and he spent the last half hour of his free time exploring the calming library, empty of all people. Then he hurried to the Great Hall for breakfast only to be stopped by none other than Headmaster Dumbledore himself. Remus stiffened wondering if he was going to be expelled for last night but instead the old wizard smiled at him.

"How are you enjoying Hogwarts Remus?"

"Fine sir." He responded quickly hardly thinking if this was true or not. He had learned pretty early on that when adults asked questions they wanted specific answers, not the truth. Dumbledore raised an eyebrow at him.

"And your roommates?"

"Also fine sir."

"Yes, I imagine it will be," Dumbledore responded quietly, seemingly more to himself than the child in front of him. His smile widened and he looked closely at Remus again.

"Our matron Madam Pomfrey would like to meet your acquaintance when you have time. She will be the one to help you with your...condition every month." Even though Dumbledore had looked furtively around before finishing in a low voice, Remus looked around quickly and still felt a pang of panic despite no one being in earshot.

"I'll go see her now sir."

"That's not necessary unless you want to. And you don't need to call me sir, Professor Dumbledore will do just fine." He was showing Remus such unnatural kindness that he was beginning to feel choked up again.

"I..I think I'd feel better doing it now sir….er Professor Dumbledore?" He ventured nervously trying to figure out if this was really ok. He still wasn't quite sure he had the right to call anyone professor as he was pretty sure he'd be expelled before he fully became a student.

"Remember Remus you have just as much of a right to be here as anyone else. And don't worry too much about the rules. If we expelled every student for testing the rules we'd have no students left" He chuckled eyes twinkling mischievously, the knowing kind glint in them making Remus go cold.

He had suspected Dumbledore could read him somehow, but he couldn't actually read his thoughts, right? He felt that would be very intrusive then he blushed realizing if Dumbledore could read his thoughts he would have realized Remus was judging him which he really had no right to do. However, if Dumbledore was reading his thoughts he gave no acknowledgment of this.

"Well you best hurry off, we wouldn't want you skipping breakfast on your first day." Came his kind playful reply to dismiss Remus. He nodded and hurried off to the hospital wing glad he had a general idea of where it was. It took a little trial and error but eventually, he found his way there. He found there were two large doors made mostly of a sort of foggy glass that allowed him to see blurs in the hospital wing but little else. He shifted not wanting to bother the matron if she was busy, plus he couldn't find it in himself to knock and walking in without doing so was simply out of the question.

He saw a blurry figure through the large panels of glass and turned to leave before he was caught standing there like an idiot. However, he wasn't fast enough. Even though the witch wasn't near the doors they flew open with a flick of her wand, revealing a large open wing with a dozen standard hospital beds with flimsy curtains able to give a little privacy when necessary. Remus paled, surely this wasn't where he would be to recover after every month, it wouldn't take long at all for him to be found out this way.

"Well don't just stand there dear come in." Came a brisk but kind voice. His attention shifted from the problematic layout of the ward to the matron who ran it. She was a middle-aged witch with strawberry blond hair pulled back tightly in a bun. She sported the similar air that Professor McGonagall had, in that she didn't seem like one who would tolerate any foolishness. Her eyes were pale blue and her gentle but serious expression softened some.

"So many homesick children this year, come in darling there's no need to be ashamed." She gave him a warm smile that made her look even younger and much less intimidating. He walked slowly into the hospital wing unsure if he was upset or relieved Madame Pomfrey didn't know who he was.

"Well hurry up, don't dawdle I haven't all day." She still sounded gentle as she gestured him forward smoothing her typical healer's robes and producing a chocolate bar in her hand.

"I imagine a talk and this will do you some good. There's no need to be so shy dear." He was within arms reach of her now and her sky blue eyes were assessing him for any injuries with more attentiveness than he had ever got at St. Mungos. But he was sure that would change once she realized who he was, he was just glad she had agreed to keep a monster alive and keep his secret. That was far more than he had expected to receive from a healer and more than enough for him. Still, he was dreading the change in her gaze that would happen once she knew what he was.

"M...Madam um….." He didn't get the words out though as she was already ushering him to a little stool in the back of the ward and handing him a little packet of tissues and the chocolate bar.

"Now then what house are you in dear? Are you experiencing any headaches or stomach aches?" He shook his head mutely forgetting she had asked him a question. There was a long pause before he remembered he'd actually have to speak.

"Gryffindor."

"Well missing home doesn't make you any less brave and coming here makes you a good deal smarter than the other boys in your year." She sounded exasperated and he fiddled with his chocolate bar so he didn't have to look at her.

"Make no mistake there are likely a lot more than you feeling down except their male pride prevents them from coming in for a soothing tonic. Would you like one dear?" He shook his head and dared to glance at her, she seemed puzzled now and a good deal more concerned.

"Now mind you I won't tell anyone you've been here. Are you familiar with tonics? Are you muggle born dear?" He wished she would ask one question at a time so he didn't have to speak.

"Yes, ma'am and no ma'am."

"Well aren't you the polite one." She sounded quite pleased but also concerned.

"If you don't want a tonic what are you here for dear?" He looked away not wanting to see the distrust and anger that would cloud her eyes when she realized.

"I'm….you…..Dumbledore told me to come….." He finished lamely his hoarse whisper sounding too close to tears to his liking. He clenched his fist on the pack of tissues determined not to need them, at least not in front of her. He hated crying in front of people, especially in front of healers who didn't really care.

"Oh my! You're Remus then?" It was the fact she was still using his name and not referring to him as it that made him look up. Her expression had softened even more and her face was creased with sadness.

"Remus I want you to know that you can always come to me about anything. I'm here to help you in any way I can. Do you understand?"

He nodded stunned, even though he didn't understand in the slightest. She then went on to explain what Dumbledore already had in more clinical terms. Asking him questions about his injuries every month with a straight forward calm he appreciated deeply. Of course, his answers were dismal and didn't really help her, for he didn't want to admit to her nor describe in gruesome details how he ripped himself to shreds every month. But she seemed to take the hint and assured him she would do her research before the end of the month came. She truly seemed willing and able to make his transformations as painless as possible.

She even let him keep the chocolate when he offered to give it back since he wasn't really homesick. She had just patted his hand and told him that it would do him good to eat it all the same. So he left, tissues and chocolate still in his hands after being made to promise several times he would be here no later than 5 o'clock at the end of the month.

She assured him he could come earlier than that if he needed to but he knew he wouldn't. He wouldn't dare miss class not when he knew how much they meant, not when he knew this was the one thing securing a semi-decent future for him. He passed the Great Hall breakfast in full swing, there was plenty of time to eat before classes but his stomach was in knots again. Besides he wanted to look over his books once more.

…...

Other than Sirius making fun of him before classes, he so far found that his day was quite nice. He liked the professors he met so far and the subjects seemed complicated but not impossible, which was of great relief to him as he hadn't been sure he could purposely do magic at all. But he was proved wrong by his first Monday class of the day, Transfiguration.

He found he was one of the few people who could turn his match head into a thin point of what was supposed to be a needle. Of course, most of the children had been distracted for a while, carrying on about Mrs. McGonagall's desk turning into a pig and back again, at least until she shouted at them to pay attention. They weren't supposed to be frustrated if they couldn't do it on the first try she had told them as most couldn't.

But Remus noticed that everyone was frustrated, especially after Lily and James managed to perfectly change there match to a needle, sparking somewhat of a competition between the two the rest of the day. Double Charms was next in which Lily beat James by quickly levitating her feather first, Remus was delighted to find he could do so almost as fast as her. Of course this time everyone had managed to float their feather marginally. But only a handful could get it to stay distinctively in the air for more than a few seconds, and Remus couldn't believe he was one of them.

He had found both classes delightful and even though he sat by himself at the Gryffindor table during lunch he found himself in a really good mood. He finished reading the first chapter for History of Magic and finally let himself eat the chocolate bar having to work hard not to make embarrassing noises as he ate because it was easily the best chocolate he had ever tasted in his life. He'd even say the best thing he had tasted in his life.

"Hi Remus, can I sit here?" He looked up surprised someone was talking to him, he should have figured Lily might try to. After all, both of them seemed to be equally eager and studious about the school which was a sentiment not shared entirely by their fellow Gryffindors.

"Sure." He even gave her a smile, after all, there was no harm in casual conversation with his fellow Gryffindor, and he had finished his reading. They talked casually about the class material, and Remus listened slightly bemused to Lily talking up a storm about all the charms she was looking forward to learning. He even had to remind her to breathe at one point and her plate of food seemed to be a lost cause.

"Thank you for listening, Remus. I've been awfully lonely without Sev. I'm so excited we have potions with the Slytherins this afternoon. I know! Why don't you sit with us? I notice you're all by yourself and I'm sure the three of us would make a great team." He was taken aback by the invitation but realized there was a polite and easy out off this.

"I appreciate it Lily but you're forgetting it's two to a cauldron."

"Oh right! Sorry, I'm just so excited." She launched into a long-winded rant about what she wanted to learn in potions Remus listening attentively as he finished the last of his chocolate.

There was no avoiding the walk to History of Magic together considering Remus had engaged in a conversation with Lily but he managed to detangle himself from her rant when one of her roommates caught up to her slinging an arm around her shoulders.

"Geez, Lily you're talking the poor boy to death." It took him a second to place the name to the face. Dorcas Meadows whose curly black hair was only slightly darker than her complexion had rushed to catch up to Lily and pulled her playfully under her arm. She gave off an air of energy and flashed her bright smile at Remus her onyx colored eyes wide with childish wonder and mischief.

"I am not Dorcas." Lily huffed then glanced at Remus who had withered slightly under the attention.

"Am I Remus?" He shook his head which seemed to be enough of a confirmation for Lily.

"Hah! Told you so!" She teased her roommate, and Remus was both glad and secretly a bit jealous that Lily seemed to have better luck with getting along with her roommates than him.

"I don't think we've met yet Remus. I'm Dorcas one of Lily's roommates and her best friend." Both she and Lily laughed at this and Remus felt he was missing some sort of inside joke or something. He waited patiently for their laughing to fade and tried not to look too lost as they began walking to class again.

Dorcas was very friendly and nearly as talkative as Lily, though she seemed to be more interested in the extracurriculars Hogwarts offered, while Lily's ranting seemed to come more from anxiety about the curriculum. Remus found he quite enjoyed listening to the pair of them but forced himself to fall back not wanting to sit with them, both because he figured they would be mildly interruptive and because he couldn't risk being too friendly with them.

So he sat alone during History of Magic which was easily the least exciting class so far, and he had to fight the urge to doze off as the monotone Professor Binns droned on and on. Despite his best efforts, Remus found himself more focused on the fact that their Professor was a ghost than the lesson materials. He was glad he bothered to read the chapter otherwise he would have been horribly lost, which Professor Binns seemed to be more than once. Finally, the class was over, and being one of the more alert students Remus was the first one out of the classroom.

He, therefore, was the first student to make it to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. Finding no one there he sat down and pulled out his textbook and notepad, sitting in the front row where many of his fellow students wouldn't dare to sit.

"What are you doing here so early?" Remus jumped in his seat and looked up at the most intimidating professor at Hogwarts by far. He had short white hair cropped down into a militaristic cut. His pale skin was covered in scars, a few of which would put Remus' to shame. But it was his narrowed harsh eyes that made him appear to be some army general rather than a professor. Remus swallowed hard and hoped his fellow classmates would hurry up, Hufflepuff or Gryffindor, anyone to prevent him from being alone with this man.

"Don't just stare at me blankly, speak!" He demanded harshly and Remus searched his mind for a name, vaguely remembering Dumbledore introducing the new defense against the dark arts teacher who had previously taught at something called Durmstrang? He hoped he wasn't about to address the angry professor wrongly, but his silence seemed to be upsetting him too so he ventured forward as bravely as he could.

"I just wanted to get here in time Professor Blavatnik." He told him honestly gulping as the cold eyes narrowed more. His professor looked like he was imagining Remus being crushed to pieces.

"It's pronounced Blavatnik." Remus nodded and apologized though he personally heard no difference in how the professor pronounced his name compared to how he had. Even when the rest of the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs arrive Remus found he was still very uncomfortable, and for the first time wondered if his spot in the front row was the safest choice after all. He thought about moving but then their Professor was talking and it was too late.

Professor Blavatnik seemed to have an intense hatred to anything remotely considered the dark arts. It wasn't long before his lecture on basic safety had dissolved into a rant on the terrible creatures that gave him his scars.

"Professor is any of them werewolf scratches?" Came Sirius' interested yet disgusted tone from the back of the classroom. Remus felt nauseous and hunched over his notebook, once more feigning diligent note-taking.

"Damn straight. This one right here. We'll get into werewolves more during the second year but if you are ever up against one make sure you kill it before it bites you. This scratch hurt like hell but I got lucky, I killed that monster before it bit me.

"How did you kill it?" Apparently, the way to win over Professor Blavatnik was by engaging him in stories of his past victories. For he was more than happy to recount the horrific tale and only stopped after one of the first year girls burst into terrified tears. Defense Against the Dark Arts could not end soon enough for him! Remus had to stop himself from bolting from the room and he nearly knocked over his chair in his haste to leave.

"Lupin. You have enough time to get to your next class. Calm down." His professor demanded and he did his best to comply but his insides were jello and his knees were shaking as he slowed down slightly and left. He took in a few deep breaths, only then realizing he had been close to hyperventilating during class. If it would be like this during every class he wasn't sure he'd be able to survive Professor Blavatnik.

He heard James, Sirius, and Peter laughing about the stupid girl who ruined the most exciting class of the day. He rushed off before he could catch the details about how James would have killed the monster in his professor's place. Even though he was far ahead of the other students he detoured to the bathrooms where he rid himself of his lunch then forced himself to calm down.

Because of his detour to the bathrooms, he went from being the first Gryffindor to arrive to class to being the last one to make it to the dungeons for potions. This left him no choice on who to partner with and he shakily walked over to Peter still feeling ill.

He sat on his little stool and forced himself to pay attention to his potions professor who was the polar opposite of Professor Blavatnik. Where the later professor had been muscled, scarred, tough, and strict Professor Slughorn was plump, covered in dark green robes, soft, and rather lax with his teaching.

But Remus could not get himself to focus, he figured it must be because of last class but about halfway through a lecture, he was only catching every other word of he realized something was wrong. His head which had hurt upon entering the classroom was pounding now and his chest, which had already been a bit tight with nerves, was making it impossible to breathe well. It was like he was in fog and as hard as he tried to move his hand to take notes it wouldn't obey.

He felt Peter eyeing him a few times throughout the class period, but luckily the lecture left little room to talk if one wanted to pay attention. Even though Remus couldn't pay attention he knew pretending to well enough would mean that ignoring Peter's blatant stares wasn't terribly rude of him.

It wasn't until Slughorn was going through the extensive list of ingredients that everything made sense and Remus felt tears prick at his eyes.

"That's right class some ingredients like aconite and belladonna are very poisonous and must be used with the utmost care. But not to worry we will start with harmless ingredients until you get the hang of it." Their professor chuckled shaking with amusement while Remus clenched his teeth firmly together feeling the last bit of color drain from his face.

Aconite was very poisonous for regular humans if ingested, but it was much much worse for werewolves who only had to smell it to feel their effects. It was probably only because the plant was in a sealed container that he wasn't puking his guts out. No wonder he could barely breathe, he should have recognized the signs of the werewolf repellent sooner.

He had encountered it during the two years his parents had gone and spent everything trying to cure him, and that encounter has almost killed him. He shuddered at the memory and resisted the urge to rest his head on the cool desk Peter and him shared.

"Hey, Remus...are you alright? You don't look well." Came the nervous whisper in his ear as Slughorn went on about yet another students lineage and past relatives he had known.

"Fine." He managed to choke out quite calmly.

Peter didn't look convinced but he dropped it.

Once more Remus couldn't wait to leave class but there was no way he was walking quickly out of this room, instead, every step left his head spinning and brought him that much closer to passing out and making a fool of himself, or worse someone figuring out what he was.

Neither happened though and once he made it in the hall walking became considerably easier though he kept a lingering headache for another half hour.