Lucy was going to be back in nine days. She had just over a week to decide what direction the future would take. What hurt she was going to inflict.
In Patsy's mind there was still some doubt. Still a question about which path she'd take. But in her heart… In her heart she knew she needed to break it off with Lucy. That trying to salvage some kind of relationship would not do either of them any favours. She'd talked it through with Louise. Acknowledged that even if things didn't work out with Delia (and she fervently hoped they would) going back to the status quo with Lucy just wasn't possible.
She'd had the conversation with Lucy about twelve times already. Patsy was a firm believer in planning for all eventualities - with the exception of her love life it seemed - and so she'd been mentally mapping out what she was going to say. And how she expected Lucy to react. None of these conversations went very well at all.
There had been very little sleep, too much wine and far too many cigarettes as she agonised over what to do. Still none the wiser, Patsy pinned her hopes on Louise. Or possibly Trixie. Surely someone could tell her what to do.
And in the meantime she cleaned. In the face of emotional turmoil, Patsy turned to the comfort of bleach and the polishing cloth. The house had never been so spotless. Not a single speck of dust dared to settle on a surface. Not a drop of moisture defaced a glass surface. Not a piece of plastic ware out of place in the kitchen cupboards. She'd even relabelled and alphabetised the spice rack.
Upon reflection, the excessive cleanliness was probably going to telegraph everything Lucy needed to know.
The cleaning also kept her mind off the fact that she hadn't yet heard from Delia. Granted it had only been a few days since the conference, but still she kept one ear attuned to her phone. Rushed to check her notifications at the end of each shift.
Patsy had lost count of the number of times she'd picked up her phone, started composing verbose and long-winded missives to explain her situation. Only to delete them again. Angry. Why was she being so conciliatory? Wasn't it Delia who had given up on them?
Surely Delia was the one who owed her an explanation.
She was almost asleep one evening when the message from Delia arrived in her inbox. It had been an extra long shift due to an emergency C-section and subsequent monitoring of the premature infant. They've been unable to stave off preeclampsia despite their best efforts.
It made Patsy so angry. She hated feeling useless. Couldn't stand that every effort was futile in the battle against eclampsia. Despite all the progress that had been made in medicine, there was still this condition that jeopardised mothers and infants.
They'd nearly lost the little one today. She was more than eleven weeks premature, and they'd done everything they could to keep the pregnancy viable. But sometimes… Sometimes no matter what you did, it came down to the simple fact of saving the mother's life.
The baby was relatively stable now - in the incubator with oxygen to compensate for her underdeveloped lungs.
Patsy was going over the case in her head as she drifted off, trying to glean any further information from her memories. Figure out if there was anything different she could have done to prolong the pregnancy.
Was almost asleep when her phone beeped at her hopefully. Patsy almost ignored it. Looked at the lateness of the hour and assumed it was Trixie checking in. Picked the phone up to switch it to silent when the notification on the lock screen caught her eye. An instant message.
The immediate adrenalin burst had her sitting up before she even thought what she was doing. Fumbled to open the message.
Hi Patsy. Sorry it's so late but I wanted to catch you tonight if possible. I would have tried earlier but I've had three births today. There must be something in the water.
I'm due an off-day on Saturday. If you don't already have plans can we meet up? I'm open to just about anything if you have any preferences.
Talk soon, D
If Patsy believed in any higher powers, she would have thought they were smiling down on her right now. By some fortuitous coincidence she was not scheduled to work Saturday either.
Before she had time to second guess herself, she typed a brief reply.
Saturday is perfect. I have the whole day free.
The response was almost instantaneous.
You're not rostered on?
No.
No other plans?
None.
Any idea what you want to do?
Not a clue.
She could practically see Delia rolling her eyes, could visualise the corner of her mouth curve up in amused exasperation.
Alright then. Meet me at Regent's Park at 11:30.
A.M. I presume?
Yes Patsy.
What should I bring?
There was a pause here of a few moments. Patsy could see the three dots as Delia typed something. And kept typing. Finally, the message appeared.
A book.
A book? That's it?
Yes, a book. Whatever you're reading.
Nothing else?
Just yourself. But dress warm.
Are you certain?
Yes Patsy.
Let me know if you change your mind and there's anything I can bring.
Goodnight Patsy.
Night Delia.
It seemed as though, since Delia came back into her life, that time was working on two different planes for Patsy.
On one of those planes time moved extraordinarily quickly. She had work and a session with Louise and drinks and debrief with Trixie and shopping and cooking and cleaning and Saturday was hurtling closer much faster than Patsy could get her head around.
On the other plane time well nigh stood still. It felt like weeks until Saturday and Patsy wasn't sure how she could possibly stand to wait that long.
She was somehow trapped inside Einstein's twin paradox but she was both the twins. And without getting to do anything near as exciting as travelling at the speed of light.
The speed of light was approximately how fast her heart was racing when she climbed out of the tube station at Regent's Park at 11:28 A.M. on Saturday morning. And it was only partially due to decreased lung capacity.
Wearing a warm coat, scarf and beanie, clutching a book and a packet of chocolate biscuits, she was beyond nervous. It had taken a while for her addled brain to connect the dots. Patsy liked to think she was usually intelligent. She'd graduated dux from school, was always in the top fifth percentile in her cohort at university. And yet it had taken her almost two days to put together Delia's clues into a coherent idea.
Park. Warm clothes. Book.
Picnic.
Trixie had just shaken her head. Bemused. And concerned about Patsy's scattered state.
She'd agonised over whether to bring the chocolate biscuits. Worried it would send the wrong kind of message to reference the past that much.
Her best friend's blue eyes had drilled into her sternly at that. "Honestly Patsy, you're being a little bit ridiculous about this. You want to start up a relationship again. Why wouldn't you want to remind her of those happy times you spent together?"
And Patsy had apologised. Poured Trixie another glass of wine.
Yet she was still apprehensive at she stood at the entrance to Regent's Park Station. Scanning the area until she spotted a compact form. Carrying a picnic basket and wearing a panda bear beanie.
Oh.
A warm flush of joy pulsed through Patsy's chest. Sure the beaming grin she could feel stretching her face was overenthusiastic, but completely unable to temper it into anything more moderate.
Wasn't sure she cared anyway when the answering smile lit Delia's eyes with sunshine and sparkles and just about made her swoon.
They just stood there, smiling at each other. And hope took wing in Patsy's chest and made her heart soar.
They headed north into The Regent's Park, and at first Patsy thought they'd end up at the Zoo. Instead, Delia found a sunny spot, close enough to hear the muffled noises of the animals, and the not so muted sounds of children in the nearby playground. Laid a blanket down on the dry, wintry grass and invited Patsy to sit.
From her position Patsy was aware of the world around them - the families at the playground, the joggers on the paths, the cars on the road - but could see no one else. She leaned back on her hands, head tilted to the sky. Absorbing the mild sun and Delia's presence in equal measure.
A deep breath. A sigh of contentment. Glanced over at Delia and caught a quickly masked glimpse of pain in blue eyes, before the Welsh woman smiled.
"Too early for lunch?"
"Probably."
"I have tea."
"Tea sounds lovely."
Delia bustled about with plastic cups and a thermos, and Patsy watched in silent pleasure. Sometimes it caught her by surprise. That this really was Delia and she was getting the second chance she never expected to have. And Patsy relished every moment.
Their fingers brushed when Delia handed her the cup. Patsy felt her heart beat double. Stomach swoop. Felt like a teenager again, in the throes of her first crush. Only bit back the lovesick grin by dint of pure will. Because the expression on Delia's face was pensive.
"We have a lot to talk about." Delia looked uncomfortable. But her blue eyes were steely with determination.
"We do. Ten year's worth."
"A lot has changed in ten years."
"It has."
"I've imagined this moment so many times. Getting to see you again." A pause. "Getting to know you again." Blue eyes glanced into hers for a second, before flickering away. "And now we're really here I'm not sure I can stand to know."
"If you're anything like me, you can't stand not to know either."
"Yes." Strained. Barely audible.
The silence stretched into uncomfortableness. Patsy's fingers itched to light a cigarette. And that gave her an idea.
"Delia? Lie down." She gestured to the blanket, indicated that Delia should lie on one side. Which the smaller woman did, slowly. When she was situated, Patsy spun the other direction. Lay so they were top and tail on the blanket. Like they used to.
Delia sniffled quietly. Patsy knew she had to get over herself. Take the lead.
"So how are were going to approach this? Do you want the potted history of Patsy Mount in five minutes or less?"
"What's she like?" Choked. "Are you happy?"
And they were here already. But of course they were, because Delia rarely shied away from anything.
"I was." A pause. "We were supposed to be married three weeks ago."
Patsy winced at the shuddering gasp emitted from the far side of the blanket.
"It was two days until the wedding. I was on my way home. On the tube." A pause. "At Poplar Station I saw you on the platform." A longer pause as she thought about how to phrase the next part. "I hadn't thought about you in a very long time. Deliberately so. Seeing you out of the blue like that…. And then getting your Facebook request. It threw me for a loop. Brought back a whole lot of emotional stuff that I wasn't prepared to deal with… That I hadn't shared with anyone."
She could practically feel Delia's attention, the smaller woman was almost vibrating with tension as she focused on what Patsy was sharing.
"I was a mess. She called me on it." A pause. "It… wasn't pretty. She's on holiday now. It was supposed to be our honeymoon." Darkly. "I was given strict instructions to get myself sorted out in her absence."
"And have you?"
Patsy chuckled. Humourless. "My therapist will tell you we've still got a long way to go."
"What are you going to do when she gets back?"
"That's the million pound question, isn't it?" A breath. Another. "Honestly? I… I'm going to tell her it's over. I hurt her. I hurt her terribly by blocking the past out of my life. By not sharing everything with her. And now I think it's past the point of reparation." Reflective. "The reality is I never actually dealt with anything that happened in my life before. I just locked all the emotions away and… Now they're back." Patsy argued with herself for a long moment. "Now you're back."
A small hand bridged the gap between them. Grasped Patsy's. Their fingers entwined automatically. Like it was the most natural thing in the world. And the future felt just a little bit more certain.