A/N: I dunno if this is a oneshot or not but it doesn't contribute to the story because it's just a little sidestory, and it has nothing to do with the plot. It isn't involved in the story and the story is at a variable point late the timeline. Which just means that I dunno when this little sidestory happens but it's during around the setting where Luffy and Lucci kinda have a bit of romance going on. This chapter is really just a present to Shirsong! HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY WONDERFUL FRIEND!
Warning: CRACK, everything is crack and failures
"When's your birthday? C'mon tell me, pleaaaase?"
Lucci refrained the urge to shove a piece of cloth into Luffy's speaking hole. Luffy has been asking that same question for about a week now. He would persist, even when Lucci kept on ignoring him, and it seemed like it would never end until Lucci answered. But, since he plans on never answering, he'll have to find another way to end the questions. Shoving a piece of cloth into Luffy's mouth seemed like the best idea at the moment.
All week, Luffy's been annoying them about birthdays. It all started a few days after Luffy's own birthday, which was celebrated with an unplanned party in the shipyard. It was unplanned because Luffy just showed up and began jumping around and shouting and infecting other people with his excitement, which evolved into a rather wild party after some workers brought in some food and alcohol. Even citizens became attracted to the noise, and soon the shipyard was a full out rave of meat sticks and beer. Lucci had to keep watch on Luffy, who seemed determined to drink some sake, but overall had a decent time standing around and being slightly less gloomy in the festive atmosphere.
The festivities must've reminded Luffy that his guardians probably also have birthday, but the party quickly took over his attention and he forgot about the notion for a month.
One fateful evening, he finally remembered! Which was odd since Luffy's past thoughts rarely ever got remembered–the boy's mind was a bottomless pit. After remembering, he quickly dropped whatever he was doing and dropped a surprise visit to the shipyard where Lucci was asked about his birthday. Lucci ignored the question, and then the boy kept on asking for the rest of the week. The hyperactive teen would sometimes stop when he got bored, but Luffy eventually came back to the shipyard with that same question and wouldn't leave for an hour or so.
"Luffy!" Lucci almost sighed in relief when he heard Kaku's voice. Luffy's attention had finally released him and now Kaku was the center of it.
"Please, let Lucci do his work." Luffy turned to Kaku as he approached the duo. Lucci ignored both of them in favor of continuing his polishing on the cannon that he's been working on for an annoying Luffy-filled hour.
"KAKU! I have a question!" Luffy bounded away from Lucci and jumped on Kaku's shoulders. Kaku, unable to escape, gravely nodded and wearily waited for the questions to come.
"So, when's your birthday?"
Kaku hummed and tapped his fingertips together when he heard the question. He had his fair share of that question over the week, and he was having a tougher time ignoring it than Lucci.
Lucci listened to their conversation while seeming like he was completely focused on his work, wondering how Kaku would respond to the question. He knew that Kaku, with his softer heart that had gotten soggier with Luffy's presence in their lives, was struggling with refusing to answer Luffy's question. It was obvious to both men that the kid was asking them because he genuinely wanted to know more about them and celebrate the days that they were born, but, as Lucci firmly believes, it was none of his goddamn business.
"Ahh, hm." Kaku continued to stall using hums while Luffy looked expectantly at Kaku.
Both men were surprised when Luffy suddenly made a loud and annoyed groan. "How come you guys never tell me your birthdays? I told you mine!"
"That's because you wanted to celebrate your birthday. We, however, don't want to." Luffy glared at Lucci as the man continued to stroke the cannon with a cloth.
"That's crazy!"
"You're crazy."
Luffy pouted and attempted to give a scathing glare at the man, but no matter how much Luffy tried, he would never look threatening with that immature (albeit cute) pout.
"You're the crazy one! And Hato too!" And with that, Luffy stuck his tongue out at them, huffed and stomped away with a frustrated expression, not once looking back at the offended squawk from the pigeon. Lucci sighed in relief, finally able to work in much needed quiet. That kid should learn how to mind his own goddamn business.
"Uh, I'm gonna go do my work now. Keep up the good work," Kaku mumbled with a small smile and walked away. Lucci gave a small hum in response and went on with polishing the cannon, cherishing the silence.
Lucci was a very patient man. Very few things could penetrate his iron wall of patience and self-control. Unfortunately for him, the single person who could ever shred his patience into little tiny confetti pieces was living in his own home.
That same person was covered in white powder and soot, trying to seem innocent while whistling and rocking on his heals, eyes flitting around the messed up kitchen and never meeting Lucci's own furious gaze.
"Luffy." Lucci spoke vehemently, his glare focused on Luffy's nervous form.
Luffy gasped and looked up at Lucci as if he just noticed the man was standing there, his eyes wide and hands linked behind him while his lips formed that odd pinch that he only did when he was lying. "Ah, Lucci! I came into the kitchen to get some food and I saw these big, scary monkeys making bombs in the kitchen! I tried my best to beat them up, but one of their bombs exploded and then they escaped through the window!"
Lucci didn't believe that for one second because one, the idea was absolutely outrageous and unbelievable, and two, there weren't any monkeys who could build bombs. There weren't even any monkeys in Water 7.
Lucci tched and smacked the back of Luffy's head, causing the boy to make a small 'oof' as a small cloud of flour wafted off of him.
"The only monkey in all of Water 7 is you, you idiot," Lucci hissed. "And that lie was the most preposterous one you've ever made."
Luffy frowned, "But I only wanted to make you and Kaku a cake!"
Lucci shook his head. "You don't need to bake a cake, especially when you don't even know how to do it. Take a shower."
"But I wanna bake," Luffy whined but obeyed, dejectedly shuffling away to the bathroo.
Lucci sighed and lifted his glare from Luffy to look around the kitchen. Streaks of burns stained the oven and the counters next to it. It would be a miracle if the oven was still working after what seemed like a bomb went off inside it. There was a mess of ingredients for cake strewn about the countertop, broken eggs and spilt milk littering the poor surface.
"Woah," Kaku entered the kitchen, wide and surprised eyes looking around the kitchen while Lucci was cleaning out the oven.
"Luffy?" Kaku asked as Lucci stood up from the oven, receiving a nod as answer. Kaku sighed and grabbed a washcloth to help the other clean the kitchen.
A week has passed and Luffy was suspiciously silent. And absent. Mostly during the day, though, so Luffy was still able to do their little sleeping routine at night.
When Lucci woke up that morning, he woke up with a startling realization that he was alone on the couch. Luffy was already gone. He had actually woken up before the man and was able to sneak out of the house. Lucci would have been proud of how Luffy was able to sneak out if it weren't for the fact that his senses had dulled enough during sleep that the boy could sneak away. Luffy was able to get him into a very deep sleep, it seems.
When he sat up from the couch, he spotted a piece of paper on the table. At first glance he already knew that it was made by Luffy from its chicken sketch writing. He picked it up with his brows in a frown.
-Dont go to work! GO to Bullnos Bar! You better be there!
P.s MAKE SURE KAKU COMES TOO!
And the rest of the note was a lot of exclamation marks, and Lucci could see the excitement increase with every exclamation mark. And then a big crudely drawn happy face. Well. That's nice.
He assumed that Luffy meant Blueno's Bar, and he honestly did not look forward to going. Of course a surprise party was going to happen. Why else would Luffy be gone for an entire week if not to work on a gigantic and noisy party?
But Luffy actually put an effort for them, and it was willingly. Luffy rarely gave his energy for other people of they weren't people that he very much cared about, and Lucci felt a bit lighter knowing that he (and Kaku) were part of that special category of people.
Lucci sighed and got up, he had to get Kaku up and get ready for going to Blueno's Bar.
Lucci and Kaku now stood in front of the entrance.
Kaku nervously glanced at the man next to him and waited for him to move. After a while, Lucci and the pigeon on his shoulder sighed simultaneously and the man pushed his arms forward, swinging the doors open and preparing for the loud "SURPRISE!"
But nothing came.
The bar was its usual self. Some customers mingling at some tables, Blueno cleaning some mugs, and a boy with a red shirt and shorts sitting on one of the stalls.
The raven head lifted at Lucci and Kaku's entrance and a giant smile invaded most of his face.
"Lucci! Kaku! Finally you came! Geez, you guys take forever. You guys must've used the toilet. Ossans take a while to use the toilet, don't they?"
Luffy bounded towards the two men, who were at a loss at the lack of noise and people and raves. Where was everybody? Where was the confetti and the colorful lights?
Their wrists were suddenly grasped and the two men were dragged towards the bar counter with surprising strength from the boy.
They were pushed down onto stools, and in front of them were packages, the two of which were wrapped in paper by unskilled hands. It was literally just a newspaper with a string tied around it to keep it together and be a failure of an impersonation of a ribbon. The rest of the packages were smaller and had a bit more neatness to their wrappings.
"Look! I got these for you guys!" Luffy exclaimed as he made a dramatic wave of his arms at the packages.
"Uh, Luffy? What is all this?" Kaku asked the boy while pointing at the packages in front of him.
Luffy rolled his eyes. "Presents, of course! I got them so you better like them! Paulie and the others also got you some stuff too, but I gave the best presents! Also you guys don't gotta go to work for a week 'cause I got Berg-ossan to give you guys a vacation. I'm awesome, aren't I?" Luffy leaned towards Blueno, waiting for the anticipating nod in agreement. A joyous laugh escaped the boy after getting an approving answer and then he patted the two men towards the packages.
"Well! Open them!"
The two men glanced at each other as if willing the other to open their present first, but Luffy quickly lost his patience and squeezed in between the two so that he could reach the presents. "Gosh you guys are so sloooooow! I'll open them!"
Luffy quickly ripped the newspaper off the large package in front of Kaku and shoved the revealed box onto the man's chest.
"Now open the box!"
Kaku complied and lifted the cover off the box. Inside of it was a lot of sandwiches. The box was filled to the brim with his favorite sandwich. Of course Luffy would think that food was the best present in the world.
"Oh, thank you, Luffy! These are great!" Kaku smiled at the boy, who seemed very, very happy at the reaction.
"Of course it is! Oh! And there's some new running shoes somewhere under there because the ones you have right now are old and dirty and gross. Now you can run more! I wanted to get you a giraffe but they didn't have any at the store."
Kaku's surprised face was ignored in favor of ripping the newspaper off of the package in front of Lucci. He shoved it into Lucci's chest and looked up at the man with expectant eyes.
The package was smaller than Kaku's, which means that Luffy probably hadn't stuffed it with a bunch of food like Kaku's. He lifted the cover and saw some earplugs inside of the box.
At Lucci's slight frown of probably confusion, Luffy laughed and said, "Earplugs to muff the sound! It's pretty stupid that you hadn't already gotten these but now you do and now you can sleep and stuff!"
Lucci looked down at the earplugs and picked two up. He placed them in his ears to test them out, his hair falling around them and hiding them from view. Not all sounds had been blocked, but the static sounds that he found himself getting used to had dimmed. There were no more sounds of splashing water or civilians chatting on the street or seagulls screaming their vocal cords to shreds. The sounds of the bar had no background sound, and it felt surreal to only hear the clinking of mugs and quiet conversations without the loud background sounds. He was able to appreciate the silence behind the noises that were in his vicinity. Blissful.
"You like 'em? Of course you do! Open the other stuff!" Luffy pushed the other packages towards the two men and they got to opening their other gifts.
They received chocolate, wine, a pack of cigars, a small hat for Hattori, and a fucking condom (with a note from Paulie saying that Lucci seriously had to get laid and get that stick out of his ass). Lucci immediately crumpled the note and hid the condom away from Luffy's view. He didn't feel like explaining the function of it to the curious boy.
Luffy clapped his hands and stood at the center of the bar.
"Now is the fun part!" Luffy exclaimed with a dramatic flair. "Bring in. The CAKE!"
The doors slammed open to reveal a large, large cake. It was about a head taller than Luffy. The cake was nicely decorated and all, and it did look delicious, but the size of the cake was suspiciously the perfect size for someone to hide inside.
And, of course, Franky, with all his spandex glory, exploded out of the top of the cake in a cheap bunny costume.
Both Luffy and Franky made a "tadaa!" at Franky's revelation, frosting exploding everywhere to drop down like sweet snow. The latex of Franky's bunny suit made squeaking sounds as the cyborg posed in several macho positions.
Lucci and Kaku's faces looked like they had just witnessed the most horrible terror they had ever witnessed, which was saying a lot because they had seen very terrifying stuff in their career. Basically, their faces were expressions of the question: "What the fuck?"
Then suddenly the bar was flooded with people coming in. Workers and other people who were apparently in on the plan had rushed into the bar and made a bunch of cheery noises.
"Happy super-belated birthday!"
And then the party commenced. Lucci and Kaku were still frozen, mostly traumatized by what they just witnessed, while Luffy jumped onto the cake debris, which... wasn't actually a cake.
"Luffy, this isn't even a cake, this is just a bunch of cardboard with frosting on it," said Kaku, and though he was still in shock he was able to speak on auto-pilot. Indeed, the cake was only composed of pieces of cardboard shaped as a cake and a layer of frosting and cake decorations on the cardboard pieces.
"Frosting's the most important part!" Luffy said around a mouthful of frosting. "And I thought you guys wouldn't want to eat a cake that aniki was in."
Kaku nodded, agreeing that he would not want to eat a cake that was in such a close proximity to Franky's spandex. Franky just laughed out loud and joined Luffy in his frosting consumption. The party went on around them, people mingling and drinking and eating. Blueno was busy cooking more food in the kitchen and Kaku had been pulled into the crowd while Lucci stayed near the counter.
"Hey!" Paulie walked up to Lucci and nudged him with his elbow. "Gonna make use of my gift ta'night? I know a couple of ladies and even some men that would love to use that with you." At Lucci's growl Paulie just chuckled and looked towards the mess of cake frosting and the boy filling himself with the white substance. "Or maybe you'll wanna use it on someone special?"
Lucci harshly pushed away from Paulie and took the condom out of his pocket before shoving it into Paulie's chest. "Here, you can have it back. I won't be using it."
Paulie shook his head and pushed the condom back to Lucci. "No, I insist. I gifted this to you in hope get that stick out your bum."
Lucci pushed it back, leading them into a fight of pushing the little square pack back and forth, trying to get the other to accept the condom, tendons and muscles straining in the competition of the strongest. But suddenly, the condom slipped and was flung across the room, right on top of an innocent raven head.
"Eh?" Luffy pulled the small square packet off his head. "Mah? What's this thing?"
Lucci and Pauli looked in horror as the boy looked down at the small square pack with an indent of a circle on it.
"Oh!" Franky surged forward and grabbed the small packet, his bunny suit making a high squeak with every movement. He then, to the further horror of the two men watching, ripped the pack open and pulled out the circular piece of plastic. "... is to make balloon snakes!"
Franky took in a large breath and blew into the condom, inflating the plastic and creating a balloon from it. When he was finished he tied it up, drew a snake face with a marker he keeps, and gave the inflated condom friend to Luffy.
"Here ya go! Your very own balloon snake friend!" Franky said.
"Wooow! It's so fat!" Luffy exclaimed with stars in his eyes. It was true, the balloon was a bit wide and on the top was a tip that wasn't as stretched as the rest.
The entire room was filled with laughter as Luffy introduced his condom friend to everyone. Lucci almost groaned at how inappropriate and disgusting that was. He gave a scathing glare to Paulie, who was trying not to laugh at the scene in fear of inducing more of Lucci's wrath.
"Uh, I'm gonna go, uh, eat." Paulie quickly slipped away from Lucci and into the safety of the crowd. Lucci sighed and leaned against the counter, saving his beating on Paulie for later. He watched people sing and drink and eat while he himself watched silently and calmly.
His arm was suddenly grasped and he looked down at the frosting covered hand.
"C'mon poopy pants!" Luffy said before dragging the reluctant Lucci to the dance floor.
Overall, Lucci had somewhat of a decent time, and Luffy never figured out who popped his inflated condom friend, nevering seeing the sharp claw that quickly swiped at it when Luffy was turned away from Lucci.
I hope you enjoyed your journey through crack, and Happy (sorta belated) Birthday to Shirsong and everyone else whose birthday is today! And happy super-belated birthday to everyone else!
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