Ch:9

Shelby POV:

I sighed rather loudly as I redialed Rachel's number and held the phone up to my ear. I silently cursed when all I managed to get was her voice mail again. "Rachel, please. Call me. I need to talk to you. I'm sorry about last night and I need and want to explain everything to you. Please, baby. Talk to me. I love you."

I tossed my phone on my bed, rubbing my face as I paced the room.

God, everything was getting so frustrating and complicated! I couldn't make one move without one or both of my girls getting angry over it. I mean, seriously, this is getting ridiculous! What the hell am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to make Rachel believe I'm trying to make this work?

Act like her mother, Shelby.

I scoffed at the voice in my head. Wasn't this the same voice that told me Rachel didn't need me her Sophomore year? And then to keep my distance after I helped her with her Funny Girl audition? Why should I listen to it now?

"If you don't stop pacing the room, you're going to end up walking through the floor."

I jumped slightly, holding my chest as I turned to stare at Beth, who was leaning against the door frame of my bedroom. Her back pack was slung over her shoulder and I glanced over my bed side clock, realizing that it was after the time I usually picked Beth up from the bus stop down the street. "God, please! I don't need any gray hairs, Elizabeth!"

Beth shrugged her shoulder, her bag sliding off her shoulder. "I was just going to tell you I'm home. Didn't mean to scare you."

"Did you walk here?"

She nodded, pushing herself off the door and tossing her bag out into the hall, her expression unreadable. "Yeah. You weren't at the but stop and I tried calling you, but your phone was busy."

I glanced down at the floor, sighing. "I'm sorry. I was trying to call Rachel again."

Beth only nodded. "Alright. Well, you know I'm home. I'm going to go practice now."

I didn't say anything as I watched my youngest make her way out of my room and into her own before the door was shut and blocked my view of her. I shook my head picking my phone up off my bed and made my way into the living room. I eyed the piano for a second or two before walking over and sitting down. I dug through the pile of sheet music I kept on top, smiling slightly when I noticed one of Rachel's folders tucked in with the rest of mine, seeing as it was covered in gold stars and her cursive writing. I hesitated before setting her sheet music where I could see and then gliding my hands along the keys of the piano.

I couldn't stop the smile that spread across my face. Even amongst the chaos that was my life, music never failed to somehow sooth me. And knowing this was Rachel's music only seemed to help, even if she was angry or upset with me.

By the time the music notes ended, I had tears rolling down my cheeks and I wiped at them quickly, accidentally knocking over the folder of music as I did so. Sniffling, I bent down to pick up the folder, stopping only when I noticed a piece of notebook paper sticking out slightly, my name written in Rachel's handwriting amongst the other words was what caught my attention. I carefully extracted the paper, setting the folder of music in my lap as I read over it.

I'm not sure what to make of any of this. I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to be doing with this, but I read somewhere that when you're going through something, one of the best ways to deal with things was to write them out on paper. And I'm willing to do anything to not keep this bottled up inside of me anymore. I don't know if I can trust Shelby. But I do know that I am trying to let her in. It just seems, on my end, that she's keeping everything from me to push me away. I ruined her life. I know how upset she is that she was never there during my childhood, and no matter how many times I tell myself that while I do love my fathers, I needed my mother. I needed Shelby.

But she has Beth. Most likely to replace me. She says that's not what Beth's adoption was about, but I know she's only saying that to make me feel better or something. I think, at times, Shelby is afraid of me or something. There are times when she just shuts down and blocks everything out. And I know she's struggling to make this work. I can see that, but she's not being a Mom. She's being a friend. And if I had wanted a friend, I would have made one with a fellow performer of my show. I came to her for a Mom, and I can't tell her that, can I?

No, because I don't want to push her too far. And I feel explaining any of this to her will do just that. And I do NOT want to push my mother away from me. I just...I wish she would understand how I operate. I wish she would just take a leap of faith, no pun to the Rent reference intended, and act like my mother.

But for now...I'll take the friendship. And I'll wait. And whenever I feel the need to walk out on whatever I have with her, I'll do this, because all I want to do right now is run. But I need my mom. So badly do I need her. And I need Shelby and Beth. Whether I would admit that in person or not, I'm not sure, but on paper where I know only me can see, I will. They are my family. They're all I have.

I slammed the paper down, holding my head in my hands as I let my tears continue to fall. How stupid can I be?! That's all Rachel ever wanted and it took me finding a piece of paper she had hoped no one would see to understand that.

All Rachel wanted was her mom. Not her mother, but her Mom. And I am her Mom. I'm not just her mother. I've tried that before and it didn't work out very well for either of us. She was giving me a second chance and I was ruining it because I didn't want to push her too far either. I had been afraid that if I jumped into the motherly role right away, it would be confusing to my daughter, and she wouldn't be as open to it anymore. Now I realize that Rachel and I both needed me to do this. I needed to be her Mom.

I quickly wiped at my face, folding the piece of paper and carefully putting it into my pocket as I made my way down to Beth's room. I knocked on her door once before opening and she glanced up at me from her guitar, raising an eyebrow and then frowning. "Have you been crying?"

I ignore her first question, closing her door behind me. "You and I need to talk."

She nodded, looking back down at her guitar. "About what?"

"About us."

She shrugged, placing the guitar on the bed next to her. "What about us?"

I sighed, kneeling in front of my ten year old, placing my hands on her knees. "I know you're angry about last night, and I know you were only trying to help, but–."

"I wasn't going to let Rachel keep complaining about it."

"I know, but you have to look at Rachel's view from this. She's scared. She's afraid that I'm going to turn my back on her again. Not that I blame her. I've done it before and I don't plan on doing it again, but she's dealing with it the only way she knows how. But I need you to give her a break, okay?"

She sighed, nodding slightly. "Okay."

I smiled, standing up and brushing the hair out of her face. "Thank you. For everything that you've done."

She snorted, looking up at me, her eyes wide. "Even if everything is a mess?"

I nodded. "Yes, even if everything is a mess. I'm getting another chance to have both my babies with me. And I'm thankful you cared enough about both me and Rachel to do all of this. Because this is effecting you as well. And you're willing to let it just so we can be happy."

"Well, duh, you are my family. Did you honestly think I was going to let you two go on about being depressed and wishing you had did things differently without doing something about it? No. You and Rachel deserve this as much as anyone does. No matter how many times either of you screw up and are too stubborn to work things out."

I smiled again, wrapping my arms around her and placing a kiss to the side of her head. "I love you, Beth."

She laughed lightly, returning the hug. "I love you, too, Mom."

I took a deep breath, staring at my phone for a few more seconds before picking it up and dialing Rachel's number. Once again, I was met her with her voice mail and I cleared my throat, biting my bottom lip and wondering if this was going to be a good idea or not.

I glanced down at the paper I had read earlier and stuck to my guns, waiting until I heard the beep. "Rachel Barbra, I understand you are angry and justifiably hurt, but this is getting ridiculous! You are purposefully ignoring me and I will have it no longer. As your mother, I demand that you call me as soon as you get this voice mail and by ten tonight or I will march myself down there to your apartment and drag you kicking and screaming back to my place. I am not going to plead with you any more. I am done dancing around with you as well, young lady. So I suggest you get your stars in alignment and call me. Now."

The extra force at the end was enough for me to quickly drop my phone and myself on to my bed. I glanced over at the clock and noticed she had an hour before I would follow through with my plan. I decided to busy myself with cleaning the living room, glancing at the clock every once in a while as ten was getting closer and closer.

Finally, though, with ten minutes to spare, my phone rang and I tapped the phone once, holding it up to my ear. "You almost didn't make it."

"Yeah, well, I thought being dragged down the street of New York City by my mother would have been a little embarrassing, but I wanted to opt for waiting until the last moment to have to face you when you're angry."

I smiled slightly. "Can we please talk about last night, Rach?"

On the other end it was quiet for a moment or two, until I heard her sigh. "What about it?"

I took a deep breath, taking a spot on the couch. "Rachel the only reason I did not tell you about David was because I wanted you to meet him first. I didn't want you to feel like you had to like him because I was already dating him. And I'm sorry Beth yelled at you, although she had a right."

She scoffed. "How did she have a right?!"

"I am trying, Rachel. I really am. You have to believe me. I am not keeping anything from you to push you away. I was afraid that if everything just came down then you would run and I don't want that to happen. I want to make this work and I know you want it just as much. I found the piece of paper in the back of your sheet music folder, and I understand now. I've not been acting like your mom and I'm sorry. But I wanted to call and tell you that it's all going to change now."

"Change how?"

The worry in her voice didn't go unnoticed on my part and I smiled. "Because from now on, I am going to act like your mom. There will be no more friendship or tiptoeing around anymore. I am going to jump into this head first and take it all by storm, and I want you to be there with me, Rach."

Over the line I heard her sniffle. "Really?"

"Really, baby. I love you."

"I love you, too, Mom."

I smiled a little brighter, feeling a bit more comfortable about this whole situation. "Do you have to work tomorrow?"

"No, I have tomorrow off and the weekend off. Why?"

I stood up off the couch, locking my front door and flipping the lights off before making my way down the hall and into my bedroom once again. "Good, because you're coming over tomorrow. Beth is staying at a friend's this weekend and you'll be staying with me."

"Uh, okay. But why can't I just come over Saturday then?"

"Because you and I are going to have a long talk about storming out. Which I have noticed you seem to enjoy doing."

"Mom."

I chuckled at her wine. It was music to my ears. "Just be over here tomorrow, okay? I really just want to spend some time with you and talk. I think you and I both have a lot to get off our chests."

"Alright. I'll be there at ten. Night, Mom. I love you."

Feeling a few tears threaten to spill out of my eyes, I choked them back. "I love you, too, baby girl. Goodnight and I'll see you tomorrow."

~~~~~~So, here's Chapter Nine, guys! I figured since it was Christmas break, I'd let out a few chapters. And I love all the reviews and favs. I'm getting for this story. You all will never know how much more inspired I am to write more (and not just with this, but with another story of my own making that I am having a blast with that's over 150 pages on my laptop) because of this community and website. I love it here! Anyway, the next Chapter will be all Rachel and Shelby, because I know people have been waiting to see that. So expect their relationship to start heading in the right direction from now on. And, on other good new, I've been accepted to college, and I'm not sure I told that last time or not, but this future English/Theatre Arts teacher hopes you'll enjoy this chapter and will continue to be patient. I promise the next chapter will be out before break is over! Always be Brave, guys!~~~~~~~~