Disclaimer: The penguins have stolen my sanity, thus…I have nothing witty to type.

(Sees penguin discreetly running by)

The Owner's Guide to the Oracle!

A Manual

Congratulations!

You are now the new proud owner of the Oracle! This friendly program, known for having a "penchant for smoking cigarettes and baking cookies", has finally arrived! Restrain yourself from opening the box for just a moment and read the following instructions.

What Have I Ordered?

You have ordered the Oracle (surprise, surprise!) Trust us, we know you didn't order her for her physic abilities. If you ended up receiving an Agent Smith, don't fret. Simply kick a few times and wait patiently for the program to get adjusted.

The Oracle comes complete with:

-Pack of cigarettes

-Cookie trays

-The Betty Crocker Cookie Book

-An ashtray that has a picture of the Architect on the bottom.

-Pictures of Spoon boy and the other potentials

-Seraph

-The Pillsbury Doughboy (come on, as if you can't picture the Doughboy on her shoulder helpin' her bake cookies…and who can resist poking his tummy?) Note: Proceed to Added Info for more details on the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Note: There are no refunds, returns, or satisfaction guarantees. (Unless under specific conditions) Handle at own risk…

How to Assemble

When you first receive your delivery, you'll notice that there are two boxes. Don't think that we sent you two characters by mistake. One box contains the Oracle while the other (smaller) box contains her cooking utensils. Unfortunately, her box doesn't come with some fancy high-tech button…Oracle or not. Her simplicity is obviously stated on her plain box. Before you open it, you'll notice that there are small burn holes, which are randomly scattered around the box. Said holes were caused by her cigarettes.

After Assembling

Once you've got everything and everyone out of their designated boxes, the first thing you need to do is help the Oracle put away her cooking utensils. While doing so, point out the various items in the kitchen and show her how your oven works. Also point out the do's and don'ts (ex. Smoking in the house, getting flour and eggshells everywhere, etc.) From now on, it's the Oracle that rules (and runs) the kitchen.

Added Info

If other characters are present in the household, it should be strongly noted that the Doughboy is very prone to bribery. Don't be surprised if your little Doughboy is receiving money under the table

Note: This is partially because the commercials don't pay enough.

If you plan on seeing your Doughboy live his life thoroughly as the Oracle's little assistant, it would be advisable not to own: the Merovingian, the Twins or Agent Smith. These three programs pose a threat to the Doughboy's person and may reduce the Oracle's baking efficiency. The reasons are as follows.

The Merovingian-this is the least threatening of the three. The only real concern with him is making sure that his blobs don't catch the Doughboy at unawares. The Doughboy is so light that if he walks into a blob, he'll be trapped in there unless… a.) he forces his way out… or… b.) you pop the ego (which will likely end up with a pissed off Merv.)

The blobs can also be used as a discipline device. If the Doughboy doesn't live up to your standards or he caused burning to your cookies, simply find a floating blob and stick him in it. This is also a great source of entertainment.

The Twins-almost as dangerous as Agent Smith, the Twins radiate a continuous threat to the Doughboy's well being. They are also the most persuasive and bribery isn't far off the horizon. The reason they are listed as dangerous is because they are eventually bound to skewer the Doughboy on one of their switchblades.

Agent Smith-the most dangerous of all. With one index finger planted firmly in the Doughboy's belly, he is able to convert the Oracle's helper into a miniature version of himself…bluntly put, a chibi. This may not seem dangerous, heck, you may even want a chibi version of Agent Smith, but this is from the Doughboy's P.O.V. I don't think that you want someone placing his or her hand in your anatomy and distorting your person.

What does the Oracle like to do?

Smoking, baking cookies, and disrupting the balance of the Matrix are the three things this program does best. Trying to find a way to raise money for that special item? Why not propose a bake sale? The smell of cookies saturating your home, with chocolate chips practically oozing outta the wall, will bring even the most devoted of dieters to their knees. She's also a fantastic baby-sitter who'll enjoy taking pesky brothers and sisters off your back. Hey, who knew about the influential powers of cookies?

How to Maintain the Oracle

Ironically enough, the best way to preserve the Oracle is to let her continue the things she likes to do. Yes, that includes smoking. Since she is very low maintenance, you should have no problem keeping her out of harm's way. The only thing you need to watch out for is the steady build up of carbon monoxide within your house. If you really don't want your walls changing funky colors, direct the Oracle outside and let her smoke in peace.

In Conclusion

We hope that you enjoy the newest (if not the most awesome-est) edition of your family. If you're looking towards expanding your collection, the best one to start out with is Neo. Absolute 100 percent compatibility. The only thing you need to worry about is securing a lock on the cookie jar.

Questions?

Comments?

All shall be placed in that 2 by 6 review box. (yeah, I actually measured it…)

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(wipes sweat from brow) whew! Seven months of not updating can really impare one's writing abilities. Oh well, I've typed at least 73 reviews since then. hehe...I tend to get distraced by all those wonderful stories circulating around.

(another penguin walks by)

(Authoress glomps penguins and starts gnawing on leg, demanding something about returning sanity)