Edward

Chapter 10

The air coursing down my throat burned. I had run so long and so hard that my knees were numb from adrenaline, masking pain. Pain was better than death and I was alive.

My mind wasn't processing all of these moments; the scents or sounds of the forest, the colors and shapes. Nothing was defined. My perceptions were dulled by the lack of focus. The beast had bitten through Victoria's throat. Her disembodied head fell to the ground screeching. I could no longer hear Victoria's cries. I knew that I hadn't run so far so as to escape her screaming as much as Victoria's ability to make the awful sound had been stopped. Victoria may have been a monster but I shuttered thinking of the horror. I had never expected to see such graphic violence; the tearing apart of another living thing, unliving thing, anything. I moved to block out the image but I couldn't help by replay the scene in front of me as though observing a film. The reality of the present and the grotesque images in my mind were separate and transfixed. Each idea a superimposition over the other.

I continued to run. My heart was pounding, throbbing like it were to explode from my chest. My feet caught on the low roots of trees, and I had several times, scraped the palms of my hands, having saved myself from falling. I had splinters throughout my skin from the grainy wood that broke my falls. I couldn't feel those yet.

My breathing started to hurt, to burn in my chest. My eyes watered from crying, from pain, from wind. I could barely see. I leapt over an exposed tree root and landed square onto a rock hiding in a cover of thick moss. My left ankle twisted. Pain wrenched up through my leg to my knee. I let out a yell. I was rendered useless, immobile. I tried to stand but rocked backward unable to support my weight with my left foot.

Then I felt a chill to my back.

"Can I help you?" I heard a familiar voice inquire.

I looked up at Edward but didn't answer him. I continued to try and stand on my own. I stood up onto my good leg but couldn't take even the slightest step on my twisted ankle.

"Always obstinate," Edward commented lifting me off the ground. I crossed my arms over my chest and submitted to being carried. As if I had a choice.

"I wish you would at the very least pretend that you're happy to see me. I know that you have waited a long time to talk with me," he smiled. Was he hopeful? What was I?

I had wanted so long to speak with him but now all of those feelings were obscured by other urgencies. The lines between enemy and friendship were blurred. In my confusion tears began to spill from my eyes as I looked up at him. My words jumbled up in my tears as I tried to speak. I felt overwhelmed, as though there were a thousand thoughts and questions rushing through my mind.

Edward didn't have to understand my words. He understood my meaning alone. "I know that you are scared," Edward comforted. He held me tightly against his chest. His body was stiff and, surprisingly cold. He was making me anxious and uncomfortable the way he held me. "Please," I struggled uselessly. "Put me down," I pleaded.

"Soon Bella," Edward soothed in his most persuasive voice. "I don't think that you can walk right now," he said, pressing his lips together. "And I think, by the direction you were running in, you got yourself turned around. I don't think that you could have found your own way out of here," Edward said grinning down at me. He made me feel like I was a foolish child. He laughed to himself, "You were closer to my house then your own."

I thought for a moment and didn't recall Edward changing our direction. "You're not taking me home," I concluded.

"I'm taking you to Carlisle."

"But I need to go home. I need to see Jacob. I need-"

"He'll be along soon enough. He had something he needed to," Edward paused, smiling, flashing his sharp white teeth, "finish." Edward shook his head. "That guy's got something to prove," he said judgingly. Edward smiled. "You'll have a lot to talk about," he chided.

"Don't talk about Jacob," I deflected, still crying.

"You can be angry with me if it makes you feel better, but everything you think that I've done, everything you are thinking right now, wasn't me. It was Jacob."

"What, you can read my mind now?" I said attempting to lace my voice with sarcasm, but the effect lost in a fresh flow of tears. "You know what I'm thinking?"

"No," Edward grinned again. "I know your body language. I know every line of your face. Every cinch of your brows. Your narrow eyes. You are mad at me, but for something I haven't done."

That's putting it lightly. "What have you done with Jacob?"

"Me, nothing," he said looking away from my crying face. "You're not going to ask if I am okay?" Edward asked. I couldn't help thinking that there was something that Edward wanted to hear. He was testing my feelings for him and I didn't feel like giving Edward what he wanted just yet. There was only one thing that I could say. Only one subject of interest. Jacob. I said his name. It was the only word I could force through my frustrated and begrudging tears.

"Jacob is okay," Edward ensured.

My crying became uncontrollable. "What did you do to him?"

"Nothing Bella. I'm telling you the truth."

"You are?" my voice snapped and then I continued sobbing.

"I've never lied to you," he defended angrily.

"I suppose occasionally means NEVER to you," I challenged as Edward stepped into the clearing surrounding the Cullen family home.

"Never," he repeated confidently.

"You've lied to me. You're lying to me right now. Put me down," I demanded, anger reaching through my sadness.

Edward lowered me into the grass before the house. A gentle rain had begun to fall and coated the grass. I wiped away my tears, now mixing in the rain, swabbing my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt. I breathed deeply to gain my confidence. "You are a Liar, Edward," I accused yelling at him. I noticed how good it felt to release these feelings. My body felt like a tightly wound wire loosening at the ends.

Edward stepped back surprised at my reaction. "What are you talking about?" Edward rolled his eyes wearily condescending.

"You say you've never lied to me," I said standing on my one good leg. Edward ran up next to me.

"Please do not stand. You may have injured yourself," he scolded. Edward's eyes shifted following the conversation. "I have always been honest with you Bella," he said shaking his head at my defiance. Edward came to my side and balanced me holding my arm to keep me from toppling over.

"Don't touch me," I shrugged away from him. "You lied to me the day you left me. The day you said you didn't love me."

Edward was quiet. He turned his face away from mine. I couldn't read him. This was Edward's honesty. He cloaked his features in obscurity so I could not doubt his sincerity. Rather then feeling guarded I found I trusted his vulnerability. He may have felt shame but according to him, his decisions were always justified. "I said what needed to be said. What you needed to hear to move on," he said taking my arm and wrapping it over his shoulder to support my weight.

"You are such a hypocrite. Bella sit. Bella stay," I raged. "Don't touch me," I said, as he continued to support my body. I flinched, trying to shrug him off again. "Its only okay, when you say it is. Only when you say its okay, can we be friends, can we be together, that I can even just touch you or keep the things I received as gifts, or keep my memories. You have had control over all of that and you do not warrant that power. You think you know what is best for everyone but you don't even know how to make yourself happy," I said poisoning my speech. "What kind of authority are you?" I paused. "Now where is Jacob?"

"Some things were just for the best," he said, his voice low.

"My room is trashed. I have no idea where my boyfriend is. I was attacked. I've twisted my ankle, watched another creature be torn apart and have a ton of explaining to do for Charlie so please just stop wasting my time!" I reasoned. "Admit that it was a mistake to leave me. That you were wrong. It was wrong to lie to me."

Edward watched me swab more tears from my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt. His mouth opened but he said nothing. His eyes were blank. "Ultimately," he frowned, "it was a mistake." Edward pulled me back down into the grass, into the rain. I wasn't even sure of all the reasons that I was crying anymore. Edward looked at me as though he would cry himself. He put his head against mine, both of us looking into hands dirty, bleeding, and speckled with debris. "I tried luring Victoria away from you but she kept slipping though my fingers. Kept coming back here."

The floodgates opened. All the pain from the past rushed back to remind me of the significance of this moment. Vindication. I could no longer hear what Edward was saying. I felt the wave of hurt crash over me.

"You don't have to be sorry anymore Edward. You just have to tell me what has happened to Jacob," I said concentrating on my breathing to calm down. "I have never asked for much, and rarely gotten what I've asked for. I just want to know where Jacob is."

Edward's face fell. Understanding smoothed his features. He pulled his face away from mine. "I don't know where Jacob is now," he said squinting his eyes in thought. "What happened in your room wasn't me. That was Jacob," Edward defended. "I've done some bad things Bella, but I would have never hurt him, because of my feelings for you." Suddenly, Edward looked happy. "You don't have to feel the same way, because it won't change my feelings but I do love you."

I didn't respond. I just looked away. Edward remained silent, waiting. He wants me to tell him I love him. "So Jacob is okay?"

"Yes."

I wiped my eyes again and breathed deeply. Edward was telling the truth.

"You love him. You love Jacob," Edward said.

"I don't know yet." I raised my hand to my heart. There was an emptiness there that I had not felt for some time. "I'm trying to be more careful this time."

Edward nodding, understanding my full meaning. "He loves you. I'm sure that he'll be along soon to see you. I have no doubt he doesn't want me alone with you."

"I know." I rested my hands in my lap again. My crying had stopped. I smiled. "I have strong feelings for him. He makes me happy and he has really been there when I needed him," I said.

Again, Edward nodded. "I haven't been there the way you've needed me. That is why we are here today."

"I don't know, Edward," I sighed. "I can't say that I know how things would have turned out. Maybe Alice could tell you what all of our possible outcomes were. Part of me wished that maybe she had and you know that things would have been different, but we can't change the past. There's no reason for me to know what could have been. This is where we are now." I reached out and took Edward's hand. His cold hand was limp as it rested in my own. "I can't change the fact that I've moved on."

Edward's face remained stoic. His golden irises swirled but the rest of him remained completely motionless.

"You always got whatever you wanted Edward." I squeezed his hand. I wasn't going to hold back on the truth now that I had this one of a kind oppurtunity but I knew from the stiff unmoving lines in his face that this was hurting him. "You wanted me to move on."

Edward released my hand, stood up and walked away but said nothing. His gate was long and fast as he walked toward the house. I didn't feel like crying anymore. I didn't feel emptiness anymore. I wasn't even worried for Jacob anymore. I understood now. Edward finally understood me because I had told him my truth. The feeling was one of the most satisfying I had experienced.

He pulled his Volvo from the garage. The sound of the engine made its same old familiar hum. Edward helped me up from the ground and assisted me in walking to the car. "I am going to bring you home now," he said as I limped.

"I thought that you wanted me to see Carlisle?" I asked.

"You know what is best for you."

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A thick pillar of smoke rose up from the woods behind Charlie's house. Everything exterior to the house was still. There was no evidence of the destruction that had taken place earlier today. I got out of the car without saying a word. Edward's face was still and calm the whole ride. I looked back to wave good-bye. He started pulling out of the driveway without looking back at me.

I couldn't help but feel guilty for Edward's hurt feelings. I wondered briefly, if the pain he felt was the same as mine had been when he first left me. I couldn't help but conclude that all of this could have been avoided, despite how much I had missed Edward, loved Jacob or tried to make all the best decisions that I could everything continued to fall apart. I now knew that if Edward had not left, we would still be together. Jacob and I may or may not even be friends, but definitely not together and I'm not sure that I would have regretted that future, even if I may never have been happy. I told Edward the truth when I concluded that we couldn't go back now. I had no regret in telling him that our fate, the one he had decided when he left me, when he told me that he no longer loved me had been his call. He had decided everything then.

The phone was ringing inside. I looked toward the house. Edward paused at the end of the driveway. I climbed the stairs slowly limping. Edward watched as the door closed and then drove away.

Whether or not I belonged with Jacob, I was unsure. There was a mystery surrounding that bizarre friend. A confidant. There was so much he wasn't telling me, which I had ultimately concluded was his right. Whatever feelings we have for each other, whether reciprocated or not, we were still entitled to our secrets. A secret was not the same as a lie, but as of now, Jacob still didn't owe me anything. The truth is always necessary, and denying that, is where Edward had failed. Not just in his lie, but in his estimation of what I was capable, what I could handle. I was not a porcelain doll, fragile and breakable. I am a person who deserves the right to make my own decisions. For Edward to actually not love me and leave me was one thing. That was not what happened. He denied me free will. He denied me the opportunity to make my case and left me no possible resolution. That in and of itself was unforgivable. Though I knew that I still loved him. It was too late for me as well.