Dear Diary,
Today was Tuesday, and I was shitting it! Why? Because
today we were all meeting at the pub. What was I going to
say to him? Do I avoid him? Act normal? Pretend I know
nothing? I really didn't know, and I was petrified.
Shitting it was the only way to describe it. As well as
the whole Finn drama, I also had to deal with the Chloe
drama, too. Who else knew about our fight? Had she
told Izzy about it yet? Archie? Finn? Chop? Anyone?
Would we pretend that everything was okay?
Could we do that? I'll keep you updated, diary…
Closing my diary, I stood up from my bed, giving myself a quick glance in the mirror, and then I made my way out of my bedroom, rushing downstairs, and I picked up my leather jacket; shrugging it on. I walked out the front door, and then I walked down my driveway.
When I arrived at the pub, I noticed that not everyone had arrived yet. Thankfully. I made my way over to the bar, and I smiled small at the barman,
"One pint, please."
The barman nodded, collecting a pint glass, and then he wandered over to the pumps. I drummed my fingertips against the counter, sighing deeply. I looked up at the clock: 1:54 p.m. I made a mental note not to stay too long if things got awkward. If it were bad, I'd just leave. Duck out. I'm sure no one would notice. Maybe Finn would. Maybe. The barman returned with my pint, and I smiled small at him, giving him the money and then I walked away, after picking up my glass, and I walked over to Chop and Izzy, sitting down nodding once,
"Hiya."
"Alright, Raemundo?" Chop greeted me cheerfully.
I smiled small, nodding, as I took a sip of my drink, and I drifted my eyes over Chop's arm. It was wrapped around Izzy's shoulders, and her hand was resting on his thigh. I blinked twice, before averting my eyes to the table.
"Chlo's busy working on a new target." Izzy informed me. And as I looked up at her, she nodded over to where Chloe was standing, near the exit. I watched her for a few seconds, and then I sighed quietly, looking back at my pint.
"Where's the daddy, then?" Chop asked.
I shrugged slightly. I licked my lips,
"I'm gonna put some music on." I mumbled, picking up my glass and I shuffled away from the table, knowing that Chop and Izzy were sharing a confused expression to one another. I began skimming my eyes over the music options, and I settled for a Blur song – Girls and Boys. Sighing softly, I stood at the high table beside the jukebox, taking a sip of my pint, my heart racing, as I set my pint down.
"Alright?" I heard Finn greet me.
Turning around, I noticed that his arms were wide open. He stepped forward, leaning in to hug me, but I placed my hand on his chest, pushing him back,
"Stop."
He blinked twice, staring at me in confusion,
"What?"
I swallowed slightly, shaking my head,
"I just. I'm not feeling too well, and I don't want ya to catch it." I lied.
Finn stared at me, his eyes softening slightly,
"Are ya alright? What's up with ya? Why ain't ya feelin' well?"
I shrugged, letting out a small laugh,
"Dunno. Jus' feelin' a bit… off."
He nodded slowly, showing me that he understood, and then he scratched his cheek. I looked down at my pint, licking my suddenly dry lips again,
"So… what did you get up to yesterday?"
Finn shrugged,
"Nought much. Jus' hung wi' Chop. What about you?"
I looked up at Finn blankly, my heart breaking into even tinier pieces. He's lying to my face. I thought to myself. I faked a smile at him, and shrugged slightly,
"Oh, y'know. Jus' went to the hospital to see Tix." That'll fucking shit him up. I said smugly to myself.
Finn nodded with a smile on his face,
"Sounds fun. How is Tix? Feel bad that I an't seen her, to be honest." He chuckled slightly.
I let out a laugh, and my eyes narrowed at him. This was the game he was going to play? I asked myself.
"What time shall we meet up at the café tomorrow then?" Finn asked, leaning his elbow against the table where I was standing.
I shrugged,
"Dunno. Up to you."
"Say about seven?" Finn suggested.
I looked back up at him, smiling small and I nodded. Finn leaned over, kissing my cheek softly,
"Guessin' you chose this?" He asked, nodding over to the jukebox.
I nodded,
"No one else has better taste in music, do they?" I asked, my voice sounding rude and sarcastic, but Finn didn't catch on. He laughed, shaking his head,
"God, ah've missed ya. An' I only saw ya the other day."
I blushed slightly,
"I missed you too, Finn."
"I'm gonna get a drink, aight? Won't be long."
"Kay." I replied, watching Finn walk off to the bar. I sighed deeply, turning back to my table, and I picked up my glass, taking another sip of my beer.
"Rae?"
I turned around, and I gave Izzy a small smile,
"Hiya."
"Are you alright?" She asked, her eyebrows furrowing with concern. "You seem a bit… off."
I blinked a couple of times, holding back the tears, and I swallowed slowly. Izzy's face dropped, as she stepped closer, wrapping her arms around my neck, hugging me. I placed my hand on her back, and then we pulled away seconds later,
"Rae, what's wrong?"
I glanced at the bar, seeing that Finn was standing there with Archie, and then I sighed, looking back at Izzy,
"I went to the hospital yesterday to see my friend Tix, and I saw Finn. He was kissing another girl." I looked down at the floor.
Izzy gasped slightly,
"Oh my god, you're joking!" I shook my head. "Have you told him that you know?" I shook my head again. "Well, what did she look like?"
I let out a single laugh,
"Beautiful. Brunette hair, lovely dressed, girly, fully made up, everythin' I'm not."
"Well…" Izzy bit her lip as she contemplated with herself. "We're gonna have to make you look like her then. Show Finn that you can look just as good. Even though you look amazing the way you are now."
I smiled small at her,
"Why would you do that?"
"Um, because you're one of my best friends? And I love you and Finn together. I don't like seeing you sad, Rae." She admitted.
I took a deep breath, glancing at Finn and then back at Izzy nodding. "Okay. I'm in. Tomorrow, yeah? Before my date?"
Izzy nodded enthusiastically, with a grin on her face,
"Yes! Don't tell Finn that you saw what you saw. He's gonna forget all about that slut when he gets a glimpse of you!"
I rolled my eyes, laughing slightly, and then she linked her arm through mine, and I picked up my pint glass, Izzy leading me back over to our table. I sat down next to Finn, in my rightful seat; while Izzy sat opposite me, back beside Chop. Finn looked at me, and I could see it in the corner of my eye. I noticed him looking over all of my features, and the gesture almost made me melt there and then. Don't tell Finn, don't tell Finn, don't tell Finn. I recited in my head. I felt Finn's fingertip run over my arm, making me jump slightly, looking over at him,
"Still feelin' off?" He mumbled against my shoulder, before kissing it softly.
I tried not to cringe, as I nodded,
"Mhm."
He looked at me, and then I looked back at him,
"Don't like it when ya sick, Rae-Rae."
"Yeah." I mumbled. "Me either."
Finn frowned and then he took a sip of his pint,
"Ya wanna get outta here? Ah'll take you 'ome, and I'll make ya some soup."
"No." I said quickly, and Finn looked at me with a confused look on his face. "I'm fine. I'll be fine." I told him, and then I looked at Izzy, whom was giving me a look. I sighed slightly, and then I looked down at my lap.
"Off t'the loo." Finn grumbled, before standing up, and he walked over to the toilets. My eyes followed after him, and then I tipped my head to the side. He's perfect. He's a fucking sex god. He's the fittest boy in Lincolnshire, and I thought I had a shot? I bet if he walked out in his Oasis shirt that makes him look fucking irresistible, all the girls would be all over him. Of course, at first, he'd tell them to piss off because he has a girlfriend, but after a while; he'd resist. He'd have to. All those gorgeous girls flinging themselves all over him. Why wouldn't he? Finn walked back out of the bathroom, and he noticed that I was watching him. Giving me a smile, I smiled back, and then he made his way back over. I blinked twice, and then I moved my eyes away from the bathroom door, and then I looked at Chop as he began to speak.
"Listen up, listen up, listen up! Ah've got an announcement!" I raised my eyebrows at Chop, waiting for him to continue. "This Thursday, we're gonna go on a road trip, yeah?"
"Road trip?" Finn asked, taking a sip of his pint and Chop nodded enthusiastically. "Where we off?"
"We, my lovely Finny Boy, are goin' to the beach!"
"The beach?" Both Archie and I asked at the same time.
"Why do you wanna go to the beach?" Archie asked.
"Because, Archers my lad, school is almost startin' again, which means that I'll be back to full-time at the garage, and you children are all back in education."
I looked down at the table, thinking about tomorrow. What if Finn and I are on bad terms after our date? What if it ends so bad that we can't even be in the same room? What happens then? Oh god. I swallowed slowly, faking a smile, as everyone began to agree that it was a good idea, while my insides were churning with nerves.
"So which beach are we going to?" Chloe gasped, her eyes widening with excitement as she finally took her seat beside Chop at the table.
"Scarborough, baby girl. The one and only!"
"That's nearly three hours away!" Finn groaned.
"I don't fuckin' care, Finny Boy!" Chop rolled his eyes. "We'll leave early. Say about seven? And then we'll get there for about ten! Then we have the whole day there."
Izzy grinned big and she clapped her hands fast, squealing slightly. I let out a small laugh, shaking my head and the rest of the group laughed along.
"I'm excited! All the fit boys at the beach, shirtless and wet and-"
"Alright enough, Chloe!" Chop complained.
Thank god. I thought to myself.
Finn let out a huff of laughter, and I knew that he was thinking the same as me. I felt his fingertip begin to draw on my thigh: SLUT he wrote. I bit my lip down, trying to hide my smile, and to stifle my laughter. Looking at Finn, he had a smirk on his face, and when our eyes met, he winked at me. Blushing softly, I looked away from him, and my chest tightened, my stomach giving me the empty feeling that I was preparing myself for. Just enjoy it for now. It may be over tomorrow. I told myself, shifting in my seat slightly. A lump was forming in my throat, and I tried to swallow it back down, but the feeling was still there, slowly rising once again.
"Ah hope you're feelin' alright tomorrow, Rae-Rae." Finn murmured in my ear softly.
Glancing at Izzy, I looked back at him and I smiled small,
"I should be feeling grand tomorrow." My face had fallen into a slight smug expression, as Finn's face lit up with happiness, and then he leaned forward, pecking my lips softly. My stomach churned. That slut had kissed those lips. Her lip glossed covered lips had touched Finn's lips. I bet that her tongue had slowly run along his bottom lip, and Finn opened his mouth with eager access. I quickly shook my head, trying to ignore all the thoughts that were edging their way into my head. Finn was tapping his fingertip against my thigh along to the beat that was currently playing on the jukebox. It was a Rolling Stones song, and the thought made me smile. It made me think back to our last time at the park, the day before Finn went home again. And we were talking about our favourite song at the time. I had told him when we arrived back at his motorbike that I was currently into The Rolling Stones at the minute. Their song, "Out of Tears" suddenly came to mind, and I couldn't help but inwardly laugh to myself. The song wasn't accurate. Not yet, anyway. Because I wasn't out of tears. Not yet. "Make every song (you sing) your favorite tune. May the good Lord shine a light on you" softly played in the background of all the murmured voices inside the pub, and as I glanced at Finn, I could see him bobbing his head along to the song. I wished this was easy. I wished that this situation could end exactly the same way as it did with Archie. But I wasn't stupid. I knew that everything would be different, and that we wouldn't be able to be in the same room as each other for a while. Or even, forever. Maybe the feelings that we had over this breakup, became so unbearable, that we'd never get over this. We were both new to love. We had never experience these types of feelings before, and that's what scared us. But it's also what made this relationship so sacred and so perfect. Finn had had flings in the past, and I assumed that that'd end when he got together with me. But clearly, it didn't. And clearly, I was stupid for thinking that. Chop sanded his hands together, a grin on his face,
"Aight, so we'll meet outside the caf at seven, for openin' time, yeah?" He raised his eyebrows, waiting for everyone's response. When we all nodded and murmured our okay's, Chop grinned bigger in approval. Obviously he was the only one that was overly excited about this trip. Me on the other hand, I was bricking it. But I didn't want to be thinking about the future. I didn't want to think farther than tomorrow. Because that was the day that decisions were going to be made, things were going to change and confessions were going to be made. I licked my lips and then I pressed my lips together. Glancing at Izzy, she gave me a smile, and I returned it.
"Hey, Rae? Will you come with me to the loos?"
I nodded, standing up, making Finn's hand drop to his side, as we both made our way over to the ladies toilets. Once we were inside, I took a deep breath, and Izzy placed her hands onto my shoulders,
"We'll get this sorted for you, Rae, I promise you. Don't worry; I've got your back. I'll tell Chloe-"
My eyes widened slightly, as I shook my head quickly,
"No! No, no, no, no, don't tell Chloe. Please!" I begged.
Giving me a confused look, she nodded,
"Okay, I won't tell Chloe. But we will stay at the café for a little bit, to make sure that you're okay. Yeah?"
I nodded, swallowing slowly, flashbacks of my second date with Archie flashing into my head. How well that had gone. I told myself sarcastically. I gave Izzy a warm smile, and then we both walked back out of the ladies toilets and back over to the table.
It was hitting 5 p.m., and I was ready for going home. Finishing the last bit of my pint, I sighed deeply,
"Right guys. I'm off." The gang began to groan, begging me to stay. I stood up, smiling slightly. "Nah, I best get off. Got stuff t'do."
"Like wha?" Chop asked. "Bet its fuckin' shit that can wait until tomorrow."
"Sorry, Chopper. Ah got a date tomorrow, ain't I?" I smiled, looking down at Finn, whom was smiling up at me. "See you tomorrow?"
Finn nodded, standing up too,
"Definitely." He leaned forward, kissing my lips softly once, and I tried to keep my smile realistic. "Ah'll walk ya home."
I shook my head,
"No it's fine. Ah've got to go to the shop for me mam first, so don't worry about it." Finn opened his mouth to protest further, but I sighed cutting him off. "I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?" Giving him a slight peck on his cheek, I waved at the gang, and then I rushed out of The Black Swan. Shrugging on my leather jacket, I then crossed my arms over my chest, as I my way down the street. Maybe lying to Finn was a little too far. I had already lied about why I didn't want a hug from him, but I didn't fancy making small talk with him all the way home.
Arriving home, I walked straight into the living room, seeing that Karim was sitting on the sofa watching the football. He glanced up at me, and he nodded,
"Hello."
I nodded back at him,
"Hiya. Where's mum?" I asked him, biting my lip, waiting for Karim to become confused.
"Linda?" He asked me.
I blinked with surprise, and then I quickly nodded,
"Yeah."
"Um… work. Phone call." I nodded, understanding what he meant. And then he picked up a piece of paper from the seat beside him. "For you." He mumbled.
I smiled slightly, walking over to the sofa, and I took the piece of paper from him,
"Thanks."
Rae, I had to go into work. My boss called,
and they need me to do someone's shift. I'll
be back around 7. There's a casserole in the
oven waiting for you.
Mum.
"Oh, okay." I mumbled to myself, before scrunching the note into a ball, and then I put the paper into the bin in the kitchen, before walking over to the oven and I turned it on, warming up my casserole. Opening the fridge door, I got out a bottle of water, closing the door after I did, and then I opened the lid, taking a sip from the bottle.
After eating my casserole and I tidied everything away, I made my way upstairs, and into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. Turning on the shower, I turned and looked at myself in the mirror. I took a deep breath,
"Finn will confess everything to you tomorrow." I recited to my reflection. "You're gonna show up tomorrow, and he's gonna take one look at you. He'll notice, and that's when you tell him that you thought he'd prefer this look rather than your own." I nodded in agreement to my reflection, and then I stripped off my clothes, stepping into the shower. I let the water fall onto my body, and I closed my eyes, standing there letting the water hit my body. I began imagining what it was going to be like on Thursday.
I arrived at the café, and all the gang's eyes turned to me. A mixture of disgust and sadness in their eyes.
"Eyup, Rae." Chop called as I took a seat beside him; distancing myself as far away from Finn as possible.
I nodded once and then my eyes flickered over to Finn, who was sitting on the opposite side of the table, on the other side. His eyes were boring down at the table, his hands tapping against the table, as the gang fell into an uncomfortable silence.
"So, Rae?" Izzy said, and I looked over at her, whom was, unfortunately for me, sitting opposite Finn. "You excited for Scarborough?" She beamed.
I nodded,
"S'pose." I cringed, knowing that, that was Finn's word. Stealing a glance over to him, I noticed that he was wincing slightly. I swallowed the lump in my throat, and then Chop nudged my side. Looking at him, he gave me a friendly smile. "I don't really feel up to it." I mumbled to Chop.
He glared at me,
"Ya ain't gettin' out of it, Raemundo. We all said we were off, and that's final." He said.
Sighing, I looked up at Archie, whom was sitting opposite me, and he gave me a smile. I looked down at the table, and then I jumped, hearing Chop bang his hands down against the table,
"Right peeps, let's go!" We all stood up and made our way outside to the two cars. "Right. Me, Iz and Chloe in my car, and Finn, Rae and Archers in the other."
I glared at Chop, who just shrugged giving me a, "what can you do?" look. We made our way over to our designated cars, and then we climbed in; me making sure I got into the back seat, so I could be quiet throughout the whole car ride.
I blinked myself back to reality, my heart racing with the fear of that happening. Would it really be like that? I didn't even want to imagine the car ride to Scarborough. Archie and Finn making small, pointless talk to each other, while I just sat there, bobbing my head slightly to the music that Finn chose. After washing my hair and my body, as well as shaving my legs, I climbed out of the shower; wrapping a towel around my body and my hair. I wiped my hands over my face, sighing deeply, as I made my way out of the bathroom and rushing into my bedroom. I changed into a pair of pyjama bottoms and Finn's hoodie. Even though I didn't want to be reminded of him, I still needed his hoodie to help me sleep. It, thankfully, still smelt of him, and it made me feel safe and comfortable. I checked the time: 6:15 p.m. I sighed to myself, and then I made my way over to my bed, sitting down and I opened my diary.
Hello again, diary. Today was… bearable. But I
can't shake off the feeling that today was going to
be the last time, that the gang were all going to
be hanging out together. What if tomorrow Finn
admits to it all, and then we break up there and
then? It's going to affect the group as well as just
Finn and I. But I wasn't going to pretend to be
oblivious for the gang's sake. I didn't want to feel
like Finn was constantly kissing or sleeping with
other girls behind my back, thinking that he was getting
away with it. It'd make me insane! And I was crazy
enough without adding this into it. I needed this for
my own sanity. I needed to feel like the bigger person,
for bringing it up and then hopefully, Finn and I could
sit down at the café, and talk about all this maturely.
Hopefully when Izzy and Chloe leave the café, it'll be
less awkward. I'm waiting for Chloe's smirking face,
and having the bitch tell me, "I told you so." She was
right, (as always), and I was wrong. Boys didn't like
big girls, and they didn't find them attractive. They did
care what their friends thought about it, and even though I
thought Finn was different, clearly, he wasn't.
I closed my diary, blinking away the tears, and then I sniffed, standing up and placing my diary onto my side table. Walking over to my stereo, I turned it on, and I let the Blur album play softly, taking over the silence in my bedroom. I walked back over to my bed, taking my pillow from my bed, and I dropped it onto the floor beside my bed. Sitting down on the pillow, I rested my back against the side of my bed, bringing my knees up to my chest. Hugging my legs, I felt myself getting lost in the music, like I usually did.
"The suburbs they are dreaming, they are a twinkle in her eye,
She's been feeling frisky since her husband said goodbye.
She wears a low cut t-shirt runs a little bmw,
She's most accommodating when she's in her lingerie.
Wife swapping is the future; you know that it would suit you."
I wanted the music to soak me in and let me escape from the world for a while. I just needed a break. I needed peace, normality and sanity, for my own sake. I bobbed my head along to the beat, my right foot bouncing along to the tune.