Forgiveness

God, the third husband! I try to remember his face, but I'm not sure if he is still the way I remember him… It's been so many years.

Christian takes my hands and sits next to me in Flynn's office. He tells me that right now, the FBI must be arresting him because they already found him. The FBI scanned all the purchases from the last weeks and discovered that the third husband had bought a cell phone and fireworks, which ensemble in the right way, could become explosives. Besides he crossed half the country to Seattle, even though he didn´t have any friends or family here. They are just waiting for his confession.

I feel a lump in my throat and my stomach hurts. Will I have to see him? The memories of that time come fresh to my mind: "you clumsy old bird"… I hear it in my mind again and again, but suddenly it's Christian's stressed voice the one I hear next to me: "Ana, Ana come on... God, are you ok? I seems like I have become an expert for bad news and I still don't know how to give them properly."

Flynn is gone. I smile and he hugs me, I know he's waiting for me to say something. "I was remembering that man, but I can't get his face… just his voice, calling me an ugly and awkward old bird. I think I should call my mom, she won't like this."

I try to stand but Christian's arms are holding me tight, he pulls me closer and I feel his breath on my left cheek and his smell fills me and intoxicates me. Then I hear his confident and soothing voice: "I'll never let anybody hurt you Ana. I swear" and he says it with his eyes clad on mine, and there is so much certainty on them that I can't doubt it.

Flynn has come back with a glass of water and a pill. He gives it to me: "take it, it will make you good" he says. "I don't want anything that makes me feel sleepy Flynn. I need to be more alert than ever" I answer. "Well, if you are feeling good, then go ahead dear, have a good day."

We leave Flynn's office and the press is waiting for us. But, because of the "Grey way" Christian doesn't let the press disturb his private life. However, he says something to Taylor and an improvised press stand appears at the building's exit. I thank god for my luck and the sense of style of Christian's personal shopper. Of course he doesn't let go of me. With his usual style, he stands in front of the microphones and smiles:

"Good afternoon ladies and gentleman of the press. As always I appreciate your permanent eehhmmm… concern about my life. I guess you already know that yesterday my fiancée Miss Steele and I were victims of a bomb attack by the hands of a crazy man. Today we can rest assure, because the Seattle Police and the FBI have done an excellent job as usual, and have caught the attacker. Miss Steele and I are very thankful of their job. We hope to be quiet and not give you anymore news in the future. Thank you very much and good afternoon."

As quickly as it began, it ended. Once inside the car I remember that I had forgotten how to breathe. Christian looks at me and smiles: "Thank god Miss Steele, I was about to call 911, I thought you wouldn't breathe again." His laugh is full of fun and mischief inside the car. I breathe relieved, one less ghost in my life… I think…

Already in Escala, the blue suits surround us. Mrs. Jones repeats the scene from the morning, gliding through the people, refilling coffee cups and offering snacks. The chief of police gives us the details of the detentions. The third husband knew they were going for him and didn't resist. He asked them to give me a note that the cop has now in his hands. They opened it, thinking it could be more threats, but they were confused with the message. They gave it to me and I read it before Christian could help it. It said: "From clumsy old bird to a soft Bonnie, well done".

I crumpled the note and the next thing I remember are voices screaming. I pass out again for Christ sakes! Since I've known Christian Grey I have passed out more times than in my whole life.

Maybe it was the shock, his writing and those horrible words, that awful memory. It felt like having him right in front of me at 15. But I'm not 15 anymore for God's sakes!

I'm in the sofa again and Mrs. Jones runs with a little bottle and a glass: "that's it Anastasia, you are going to bed now", Christian orders. I don't argue. I need to talk with my mom. He takes me in his arms and carries me to the room. I don't like it because I can walk, but I'm not strong enough to fight him. I hate people thinking I'm a weak impressionable little girl… but of course, this is what I've been lately.

Mrs. Jones brings me a cup of Twinning's tea and some snacks. The day has gone flying, and between one thing and another I haven't eaten anything since breakfast. I stir my tea and decide to call my mom. As things are going, the story will be in the news in little time. I must warn her. I dial…

- "Hello, mom?"

- "Ana, sweetheart. How are you? What's wrong?"

- "Mom, they caught the guy that tried to blew us"

- "Who is it? Was it one of Christian's enemies?"

- "No… Yes… well, not exactly"

- Explain it Ana, what is going on?"

- It's a new enemy of Christian… Someone you and I know really well… it's the third husband"

She doesn't seem to understand at the beginning, but then I can feel her shock trough the phone. There's a long silence. I have to explain her everything, what's been happening with Flynn, my therapy… I tell her how I had to relive that story, that I told Christian and that he track the guy all across the country to ruin him. My mom is in shock… I think the past hit her too.

-oOo-

I look at myself in the mirror one more time, I tame my hair; put some eye shadow and lip-gloss. In just a few weeks I've been victim of anonymous threats, a hero and an impressionable little girl. Today I'm facing my ghosts. I'll see the third husband. Of course this meant a big fight with Christian, but this time I wasn't going to give. There was just one thing I could say to convince him and I know I did it at the worst moment of the fight. When I thought I was going to lose I said: "If your mother was alive and you could see her, wouldn't you do it? I need to face my past so I can leave it behind and become a better person. For me… and for you. We deserve this.

I'm still surprise by the arguments of my fight, but it's true, I need to see that man's face and let him know that he couldn't destroy me. That I'm a grown smart woman, and that I'm loved, besides my insignificance. A gangly and awkward old bird, but loved.

As always, Christian is waiting for me at the breakfast table. He finally accepted to let me go to see the third husband, but he's going with me. The "Grey way" doesn't allow that much freedom. At least I'm going. I'll see him. What am I going to tell him? I think about it while I drink my tea slowly and reluctantly chew a cookie that Christian forced me to eat. God, my stomach is churning and I feel as nervous as if I was 15 again.

We leave Escala on our way to the station, and thank God, there's no press waiting for us. However, the security still is the same, not everything is solved yet. Christian thinks that the third husband isn't the only one trying to hurt us these days.

We leave with Taylor and Sawyer in the car. Christian fixes my seatbelt and holds my face in his hands; he kisses me tenderly on the lips and smiles. That charming confident smile that makes me melt. I put my head on his shoulder, and I think I sleep a little because Christian shakes me and tells me softly that we arrived. I take a deep breath and wait for Sawyer to open my door.

I fix my clothes, pick my purse and walk the stairs, one step at the time. I'm holding Christian hand, and Sawyer and Taylor are walking behind us. Just before opening the door at the police station Christian pulls me and stands in front of me. He looks me in the eyes, with that dark and hard stare. I have no doubt that this doesn't make him happy … "You don't have to do it Ana", he says. "You are wrong; I have to do it Christian." I let go of his arm and open the door.

Christian and the guards follow me. I realized that I've never been in a place like this. The smell is awful, the place isn't very clean. There's people sleeping in the benches and they must be drunk, because they don't wake up, even with all the noise.

After a little conversation, they move us to a room where we'll meet him. It's just Christian and I, the guys stayed in the hall. I wring my hands again and again; I feel the weight of Christian's arm on my shoulders. God, that soothes me. Just when I feel ready to see him, the door opens.

The man I remember doesn't look like this… at all… his eyes are tired, he is weak and… has he shrunk? That's impossible! But if a grew up and I'm not 15 anymore, he can't hit me easily.

-"Good morning Ana"

-"Miss Steele" Christian says

-"Oh, but old friends don't treat each other like that, right sweetheart? " the third husband says and I feel Christian's muscles tense, but I take his hand and squeeze softly

-"You can call me however you want. I'm not here to discuss about formalities. As you can see, I grew up, I'm not 15 anymore"

-"And the years have made you beautiful Ana"

-"Shut up asshole." Christian says

-"If you can't control yourself I'm going to have to ask you to leave Christian." My voice surprises me; I look like a confident woman. "You listen to me, I'm not 15 anymore, your insults and defamatory doesn't hurt me anymore"

-"You never understood, right Ana?"

-"What do you mean?"

-"I was in love with you Anastasia, of a delicious little woman, smart and beautiful, but too blind… And everything I did was to avoid my feelings for you. I was sick and been away from you and your mother heal me… the things got out of hands, and wanting you was stronger than my rationality. I thought that if I made you afraid it would be easier… I don't know, make fall in love with me."

Christian and I are listening to his confession dumbfounded. This man is crazy.

-"Then, this man comes and ruins my life. It wasn't so hard to figure out that you were together and… well, I think my sickness came back… I saw you on some pictures in the newspaper and it wasn't necessary to read your name to know it was you, and that you had become a wonderful woman… I thought if I destroy you I wouldn't be able to live in peace. But then I thought that if I destroyed him, I could come looking for you, and…"

-"I don't want to hear you anymore, you are crazy and I didn't come here to listen to your ramblings. I want to tell you that, after all this time… I forgive you, I forgive you for everything you did to me and, really, I hope you get well and disappear of our lives, because I won't spend another minute of my life thinking about you. Have a good day."

That been said, Christian and I walk towards the exit. His words still resonate in my head. Flynn was right; he was in love with me. God, what a sick man, I was a child. I don't know how, but we are already in the car and Christian watches me quietly. I feel his restless stare. I know he is dying to know about it, but he doesn't, and I'm thankful for that second of respect for my mental privacy.

We get stuck in a traffic jam. Christian holds my hands softly, waiting for me to talk. I'll do it.

"Do you know what that meant to me? I came to forgive that man, to leave behind a story that was really hard for me, but I wasn't expecting something like that… Al my life I grew up thinking I was an ugly and clumsy old bird, because he made me believe it. And today, I figure out it wasn't like that."

"It's confusing, I know… but in that room at the station, I also left behind that gangly old bird. And now in front of you, there's a new Anastasia Steele."