Author's Note:
It is what it is, guys. I'll let you read, without any comments from me. If you are curious what I have to say – well, I reply to every review. ;)
At five minutes till 7, Axel pulled up in front of the dilapidated building that was Roxas' apartment. He looked around the front of the complex, but was unable to spot the blond boy who had agreed to meet him. Shrugging lightly, he emerged from his little car and approached the front door, far from bothered by having to go look for Roxas.
For one thing, he couldn't help feeling terribly curious about what Roxas' apartment looked like on the inside. For another, it was pretty much impossible to upset Axel at the moment.
It was Thursday night again at last, and he was going out to dinner with Roxas.
That alone was enough to make it impossible to bother Axel. It was also the reason that the man who was often careless about his appearance had taken great pains in deciding on his apparel this evening. He had decided against a suit – it might make the occasion seem too formal. Besides, if Roxas didn't own a suit – which was a decent probability – he didn't want the boy to feel under-dressed. Instead, he settled on plain black slacks and a black button-down shirt.
Dinner with Roxas was also to blame for the pains Axel had taken with his hair, for once. Not that it looked completely different – but washing, brushing, and styling it in the afternoon did make it look much nicer than it usually did by evening.
As he reached the front door, Axel moved to examine the intercom, but was interrupted as a big, scary, suspicious-looking guy opened the front door and came out, gruffly mumbling into his cell phone. He didn't even glance at Axel, for which the redhead was grateful. Axel was also grateful for the open door – the intercom buttons were so badly labeled he wasn't sure he would have been able to find Roxas' room. So, rather than get locked out again, he merely grabbed the door and entered.
A dingy stairwell led up directly in front of him. Axel followed it up three flights of steps to the fourth floor, seeing only dark, dirty-looking hallways on either side of each landing. The fourth floor was no different – stained-carpet halls on the left and right and a stairwell that continued up.
A quick look at the room numbers – at least the ones that were distinguishable – told Axel to head left, and he followed the hallway down to Room 13. Even though he wasn't some kid picking up his first date, Axel wasn't immune to nervousness either. He had to force his knock to sound as confident and relaxed as he was trying to look.
Sounds of shuffling on the other side of the door approached, and the door was yanked open. Axel was greeted by the sight of a slightly-disheveled but beaming blond.
"Axel!" Roxas gasped out happily. "Sorry I wasn't waiting downstairs. Come inside." The redhead greeted Roxas back, and allowed himself to be bustled in. "I just need to get my shirt, hang on one second."
"Sure." Axel contentedly agreed, managing not to betray his wish that the boy would not finish getting dressed. When he came in, Roxas was looking perfectly stunning already in just slacks and a beater. Axel couldn't help admiring the sight of all that skin – usually concealed under a jacket or scarf – and the wonderful vision of the thin frame, tightly hugged by the white beater.
At the same time, however, the delicious view also provided Axel with an opportunity to see some things that Roxas had been keeping hidden. His shoulders tensed at the sight of some dark marks on that pale neck, throat, and collarbone. There were even marks on Roxas' arms – a few faded bruises and half-healed scratches. He didn't get a long look before Roxas hurriedly disappeared into his room to conceal his skin more carefully with a button-down shirt similar to Axel's…but what he saw was enough to remind Axel of the existence of the clients – men who had handled Roxas, hurt him, and been closer to him than Axel had ever been.
He felt his jealousy ignite again, but forced it aside. He already knew about Roxas' job, and he knew that he was in no position to try to interfere. Not yet anyway.
In the few moments he was alone, Axel glanced around the tiny apartment. The place looked depressingly bare and prison-like. He suddenly felt a throb of pain at the thought of Roxas coming home to this cheerless place, after a night of being roughly used and violated, and going to bed, alone and exhausted, with no one to take care of him, greet him when he came back, or hold him when he was hurt…
Axel shook his head. He had to stop thinking like this. He would do what he could for Roxas when he got the chance…until then, he could not forcibly interfere in the boy's life. No matter how he felt about him.
Roxas emerged smiling from the other room, dressed in a dark blue shirt that Axel felt looked utterly beautiful on him. It made his hair look even more golden and his eyes stood out even more brightly than usual. He had to struggle against a sudden desire to attack the boy, crushing him against his body and kissing him passionately.
Axel was unaware that Roxas had been battling similar feelings since the attractive redhead had arrived in his apartment. The black fabric of his outfit made Axel's pale skin so noticeable, and his hair made such a sharp contrast. The loose shirt ghosted tantalizingly over his tall, thin frame…Roxas dearly wanted to just forget dinner and spend the whole night getting closer…to Axel.
The fact that Axel was here, in Roxas' living space, where no one else came, was also making the blond feel flustered. It wasn't that he felt uncomfortable exactly – but he felt somewhat exposed and vulnerable. Normally, of course, such a feeling would be unwelcome…but when it was Axel he felt exposed to…well, Roxas didn't dislike it at all. In fact, his heart was pounding a little harder than usual from excitement – he was surprised to find that he enjoyed this vulnerable position when it was with Axel.
"Sorry about the wait, Axel." Roxas grinned again, apologetically.
"Oh, not a problem." Axel wondered for a moment if he should say anything about the apartment, it being his first time seeing Roxas' place. He wondered if it would be awkward, considering Roxas' past reluctance to let Axel see where he lived. Then again, Roxas didn't seem too embarrassed or uncomfortable at the moment – seeing Axel was putting him into a similar, non-upsettable mood – so the older man decided to venture a comment.
"So…nice place." Immediately, Axel inwardly kicked himself for such a lame comment.
Roxas raised an eyebrow at him in a good-natured smirk. "This? You're kidding right? This place is a dump."
Axel felt his cheeks redden a bit. "Well…" He stopped, unsure what he could say. In his hesitation, his eyes met Roxas. The blond was watching him, suppressing a grin. When their eyes met, they both broke down laughing. Whatever tension Axel had begun to feel vanished as he and Roxas laughed.
Still smiling, Roxas moved to Axel's side, picking up his key from the kitchenette counter. He turned to point around the room. "That door is the bathroom and that one is the bedroom, and the rest of it is what you see here." He smiled up at Axel again from his place beside the man. "That was the quick tour. The grand tour takes all of five seconds longer." Axel began chuckling again at Roxas' playful grin.
After another moment, however, Axel felt his laughter calming quickly and dying away – he had just realized how close Roxas was standing. The shorter boy's laughter also faded, becoming a quiet smile…a smile that was belied by the excitement sparkling in his beautiful blue eyes.
Axel couldn't look away. Their eyes were locked. He was so close…he could smell Roxas' clean scent, he could hear the boy breathing – even over the sudden pounding of his heart. Axel felt his hands reaching forward, longing to touch, just to touch…neither of them were smiling anymore. And Roxas was drifting closer…his expression was so alluring…
A loud shrieking noise made both young men jump slightly and pull back. Axel's heart was thudding and he was nearly panting, the sudden interruption had startled him so much. Roxas turned away sheepishly and reached for the horribly old and loud phone as it rang again.
"Yes?" The blond's voice was a mixture of exasperation and relief, but Axel didn't notice. He was too busy trying to calm down after being so close…so close to Roxas…
"Speaking." The boy on the phone shot Axel an apologetic look, mouthing "Sorry" silently as he listened to the phone. Axel shook his head to indicate it was fine, and waited.
Suddenly, Roxas' expression froze. He stiffened – there was no longer any relaxation in his posture. He listened intently for a moment, then spoke sharply into the phone.
"Why? What happened?" A slight pause. Axel's face showed his concern as he watched Roxas intently listening to the voice on the other end. "What do you mean? What's wrong with…what? Oh God…" Roxas' hands clutched the phone so tightly his knuckles were white. A high, desperate tone had suddenly slipped into his voice. Axel had never heard such a tone from Roxas before, but he instinctively recognized the panic in it. He was frozen, as intent on the boy as Roxas was on the voice coming through the phone. "Yes. I'm on my way." The phone was slammed into its cradle.
Axel immediately wanted to ask what was the matter, but Roxas had already turned to him, his face a mask of suppressed panic, his voice trembling, close to cracking. "Axel." He gripped the taller man's arms, causing Axel to pause, his attention completely caught by the urgency in Roxas' voice. "I can't go to dinner, I'm sorry, I need to go to the hospital right away."
Before Axel could reply, Roxas was turning away, grabbing his wallet and key again and rushing for the door. In an instant, Axel responded. He was right behind Roxas as they hurried out the door.
"I'll drive you. Which hospital is it?"
Roxas glanced at him and nodded. "Central Twilight Hospital."
Axel nodded, and neither of them spoke again as they dashed down the stairs and out to Axel's car.
Axel could sense Roxas' urgency, and the underlying frenzy that he was barely keeping at bay as the car peeled away from the curb and did a U-turn in the middle of the street. He had no idea what was wrong – who was in the hospital anyway? Had someone gotten hurt? His stomach was clenched with fear for the blond boy as he sped across town toward Central Twilight Hospital.
He had reacted without hesitation and without question to Roxas' sudden need…but as they drove, Axel was quickly becoming desperate to know what was going on. Roxas sat in complete silence, his mind apparently far away, his body so tense it looked as though he would physically break from the strain.
Oh God he looks awful. What is going on?
"Roxas…" Axel began tensely, afraid to upset the boy any further, "What's going on? What happened?"
There was a silent pause. Axel feared that Roxas wouldn't answer. He glanced over briefly – Roxas' eyes were fixed ahead, unseeing, his hands clenching and unclenching in his lap automatically. He opened his mouth…but no sound came out for a moment. After a few more tries, Axel heard a hoarse voice whisper, "Naminé…"
Naminé? Why is that familiar? Axel thought a moment before he remembered. Roxas mentioned a Naminé…his sister? A little sister, was it? "Is Naminé your sister, Roxas? What happened to her?"
The distraught boy struggled to reply, his gaze still fixed dead ahead. "She's sick… multiple endocrine…something…pheochromocytoma…they said come now…come right away…" The rough voice choked and trailed off. Axel glanced at Roxas again. Dry, unblinking eyes had not wavered. He didn't know what the words had meant, but he understood "come right away."
Especially when a hospital called to say it. Demyx had gotten the same call. Right before his mother died.
Still unsure of the details, Axel knew enough to begin to feel his own panic rising. Oh, God…gods…anybody…Don't let this happen to him. Not to him. How could you hurt one person so much? Please, please, leave him alone…
And Axel turned his concentration to driving…fast.
-o-o-O-o-o-
"Where's Naminé? Where is she?" Roxas' strangled voice demanded at the nurses' station as he skidded to a halt, Axel only a step behind him.
The nurses seemed to know already who Roxas was talking about. One of them stepped forward quickly. "Roxas. I'm afraid she's been rushed to the O.R. already." Medical words of explanation began to fill Axel's ears, but he didn't understand much. He could tell from Roxas' blank expression that it wasn't meaning anything to him either. The blond interrupted the nurse's explanation. "Where?"
Her face was sympathetic, but forbidding. "You can't see her. I'll show you where you can wait." She began to lead them down a hall.
Axel noticed immediately that Roxas' steps had become unsteady, and he reached around the boy's shoulders to support him and guide him toward the chairs that the nurse showed them to, outside the door to the operating room. There was no resistance from the smaller frame…but Axel could feel the thin body shaking.
Over the next hour or more, Axel sat beside a boy who appeared to have turned to stone. He was able to coax a little more explanation from the blond at the beginning – the simple fact that Naminé, Roxas' little sister, had a rare form of childhood cancer and had been in the hospital for some time – but after a few words, the blond fell silent.
A part of Axel so desperately wanted to help, to make everything better, to wake the boy from this deadpan trance of agony. He wanted it all to be fixed, for the silence to end, and for Roxas to breathe again. However, he knew that there was nothing he could do to make that happen. He was mature enough to know that he would only upset the boy more by trying to cheer him up in the middle of a crisis – a crisis that probably went far too deep for Axel to try to soothe.
Instead, he sat with Roxas silently. His mind tortured him with worries, but he forced them to be silent. He sat beside Roxas, not speaking, not trying to touch him – just being there with him, waiting. Waiting for the doors to open.
It was past an hour later when they finally did.
Roxas was on his feet instantly. Axel followed, and the boy stopped dead only when he was face to face with a man who was removing a face mask – the surgeon, apparently. Axel saw the man's expression first, as he began to address Roxas: "You must be Roxas. I'm Dr. Hojo…"
His eyes. Axel was dimly aware of Roxas' voice croaking out one word – "Naminé?" But he couldn't turn to look at the blond…he couldn't tear his gaze from the doctor's eyes.
No…
-o-o-O-o-o-
Naminé, Naminé, Naminé…Where is she what happened where is my sister?
The voice was echoing loudly, repeating and repeating and repeating, as it had been doing since Roxas hung up the phone in his apartment. There was nothing else, only hollow fear, like a giant, dark, empty shell in his mind – echoing and echoing with the voice that screamed his sister's name.
Naminé…what happened? Where is she? Where is Naminé?
Then the door opened. There was a tall white coat in front of him.
Where is Naminé… Naminé… Naminé?
A voice from somewhere was speaking, and he heard his name.
You must be Roxas. I'm Dr. Hojo…
For a moment, the voice became clearer. The screaming in his head even silenced, breathlessly waiting for the words that the deep voice was slowly speaking.
Naminé went into cardiac arrest…The sounds blurred again…We tried to revive her…I'm sorry…did everything we could…
What…did he mean…?
I'm sorry son. We were unable to save her.
In the silence in his mind, a frail voice whispered. What? Naminé…? Then, blackness swallowed his vision, and Roxas crumpled, unconscious.
-o-o-O-o-o-
When Axel pulled up in front of the crummy apartment building again, a glance at Roxas showed that the boy had regained consciousness. When he had opened his eyes, Axel didn't know, because he hadn't so much as shifted when he woke up. He was still lying huddled on the seat, where Axel had placed him, only his eyes were now open. The blue orbs were fixed – blank and unseeing.
Roxas had fainted in the hospital. In spite of his shock and horror at hearing his fears confirmed in the doctor's words, Axel was aware enough to catch the boy before he hit the floor. There had been confusion…the nurse – Aerith, was it? – had offered to find a bed for Roxas until he woke up. She had seemed very sorry for him. Axel had answered that it was OK, he would just take Roxas home…maybe he would do better waking up somewhere familiar. The nurses allowed him to go, helping kindly. They all seemed to know Roxas, and like him very much.
Before he shut the car door, Nurse Aerith spoke to him.
"Take care of him. He's such a good boy. He's been coming here at least once a week to visit his sister for two years now. I think they were all each other had. I've never seen any other family. I'm glad he has a friend to take care of him."
Axel promised to care for Roxas, and left the hospital. He wasn't sure that the dingy apartment was the best place for Roxas, but it would be familiar. Maybe the boy would be calmer in a familiar place…Axel hoped so. So much.
When he saw Roxas was awake, he was tempted to speak to the boy. However, the silence of the frozen blond deterred him. Instead, he got out of the car and went around to the passenger side to help Roxas out.
When he opened the door, the pale boy automatically turned and stepped out. He did waver unsteadily however, and Axel immediately supported him. He walked Roxas slowly to the building. The blond withdrew his key at the door, but couldn't get it into the lock. Axel moved his yielding hand away and opened the door, guiding them both through it and up the stairs.
It was worse than the silent wait, this silent walk upstairs. Roxas had not spoken since fainting. He had not cried. To Axel, it looked very much like he was in shock. The older man was the most worried at this. Crying, as horrible as it would be, was something he might be able to comfort. If nothing else, he could hold the boy until his grief exhausted him.
He couldn't help shock. He didn't know what to do.
They reached Roxas' door, where Axel let them in again. In the living room at last, he turned to put Roxas' key down and find the light switch. Roxas stood silently in the entryway. When Axel turned back to look at him, the boy had just begun to move.
He was staring now at a jacket that hung on the wall by the door. His hand came up slowly to touch the soft material, brushing up the sleeve and resting in the fluffy fur collar. Axel looked at the coat, and recognized it as the one he had seen Roxas wearing at Marluxia's…when he was working.
"Filthy…"
The voice was a whisper. Almost the first sound Roxas had made in hours. It sunk painfully into Axel, starting an overpowering wave of sympathetic grief in his heart.
"Roxas…"
"Filthy. So…dirty. I am…filthy." The whisper began to rise, as a troubled expression broke over the blank face. Roxas turned his gaze to his hands, arms, and body, and began clutching and rubbing himself slowly, then faster and faster as the words began to spill out.
"I'm filthy. I'm disgusting. Dirty…all over…inside…filthy…I am filthy. I'm dirty, so dirty, dirty, dirty, disgusting, vile, worthless horrible filthy dirty thing!"
"No!" Axel cried, feeling tears in his eyes. He reached forward to stop the frantic motion of the boy's hands, and quickly closed his arms around the trembling figure. Roxas clutched against his chest, his voice shaking badly.
"Disgusting…so dirty…so…nngh…Naminé!" On the last word, his voice finally broke in a cry of pure misery, and Roxas clutched Axel's shirt as the tears poured from his eyes. "Naminé…Naminé…Naminé!"
Sobs racked Roxas' body as Axel held him tightly. The name was choked out again and again. Soon, Roxas' knees buckled, and Axel was forced to lift him and carry him over to the rickety couch, where he sat with the sobbing boy cradled in his arms.
Axel had never hurt this much in his life. He had never had such a deep loss himself. No heartbreak could compare to this sorrow. Even Demyx's loss hadn't struck this deeply into Axel. He had hurt for his friend, true, but he hadn't cried.
Now, holding Roxas, he felt his own tears overflow. They ran down his face in burning tracks of agony. Roxas was hurting. Roxas was brokenhearted. Roxas…the one he loved, the one he wanted to protect, to see smile, always smile – yet now he was suffering, and Axel was powerless to stop it.
He didn't know how long he cried quietly while holding the sobbing boy. Slowly, he sensed Roxas becoming limp, the energy drained out of him by the tears. He was still murmuring through his sobs, "Naminé…Nami…nooo…I'm so dirty, Nami…so dirty…"
"No you're not." Axel swallowed thickly. He turned the tearstained face toward his own. Darkened blue eyes looked at him, but didn't seem to see him. "You're not, you're not."
As he spoke, he leaned forward. He hovered a moment, his lips close to Roxas'. "You're not dirty Roxas. Not anymore." With that, he pressed his mouth gently against the trembling lips, lovingly caressing, trying to erase the pain. The kiss tasted of salty tears as Axel pressed closer, desperate to soothe the torture Roxas felt.
After a moment, he felt hands on his face, and Roxas was kissing back, moving together with Axel, kissing him longingly, sorrowfully, through his still-falling tears.