Once again, at the worst Academy EVER, the students were walking to school when all the guys turned around to see someone. We see it is a female, as the perv-cam is focused on her boobs, which, like Kurumu's, had a bouncing sound, except hers was a lot different from Kurumu's. All the guys were blushing and frozen in awe, then the perv-cam zooms in on her ass, which, from the sound of it, was scraping against the back of her skirt. We look to three lame guys in particular, the one in front looking like he was dehydrated, the one on the left had his hands above his head like either a monkey or he was having a tantrum and the guy to the right was drooling. Lastly, we zoom to her lips, blood red with lipstick and either a mole or beauty mark on her chin.
"Whoa, who the hell is that?" One guy said in awe.
"The hot math teacher, Ririko Kagome." Another guy said.
"I've never seen her." The first guys said.
"She was in the last episode, dude!" Another guy said.
"Hold it, pal, that kinda commentary is MY job, whee!" Kou said.
"I wanna learn math on her." Another perv said in a trying-to-be-smooth tone.
"Yeah, so would I!" Another one said.
Ugh. Another perv moment… What's wrong with you, Funimation? Anyway, a heavy wind began to blow, flipping Ririko's skirt in the process, which I know realized was split, so the front and back weren't connected. This obviously revealed her dark pink panties in the process. "Ah! Oh, no! Pi R squared!" She shouted in what I'm guessing was shock and embarrassment. The pervs then passed out with a nosebleed after that. We look to Ms. Ririko's face to see her at first with her eyes clenched shut, blushing. Then she looks up a little with her eyes still closed and giggled.
We now go to the classroom where Ms. Ririko is teaching math. "Right! Now let's take our formula for the area of a circle and use it to derive the surface area for this cone on the board, 'kay?" She asked, pointing to the cone on the board.
"Kay." We all said.
We now focus in on nobody's favorite dumbass, Tsukune Aono, who clearly has NO IDEA IN HELL what he is doing, his eyeballs strangely pulsing. (Uh… I can't get it. I don't understand how to do this kind of math at all!) He thought, looking at his paper in fear.
Now, Ms. Ririko decided to call on someone to volunteer to answer the question. "Now, can we get an answer from…? Mr. Aono!" She said.
"Well, I certainly hope SOMEONE picks up that phone." I said.
"What?" Damion and Saizou both asked.
"Because I fucking CALLED IT!" I said in a sing-song tone at the end, then looked at Tsukune. (Oh, my god! Oh, my god! This is going to be hilarious. Aaaand RECORD.) I thought, pulling out my video cam and recording. "Um… Yes, Ma'am?" He said nervously, standing.
"Tell us how to do it! Solve this problem." She said.
"Get ready to be disappointed." I said.
"Um… Uh…" He started. "I don't know how." He said, looking down at his desk.
"Dumbass." Damion said.
Saizou was the first to lean back and start laughing, followed by the rest of us except Moka. "What an idiot!" One of the guys shouted, who I high fived. We now get a view right up to Tsukune's face, showing him with giant bug eyes and looking absolutely shocked.
"What, did you expect to sound smart? Keep dreaming, Aono." I said. (And the Emmy goes to…) I thought, putting the video cam away.
"Tsukune?" Kurumu and Moka asked.
Suddenly, Ms. Ririko was in front of him with her finger in his face. "Bad boy, Tsukune, you're supposed to listen to your teacher. Zone out again… And I'll give you a spanking." She said, waving her finger.
"What the fuck?" Damion said.
(Is EVERY teacher here a goddamn pedo?! Even the women?!) I asked in my head. It's disappointing when even the females, who are supposed to be more professional, are total pedos.
"We're getting close to finals, you know. You need to focus on those." She explained to him. But guess what? He wasn't focusing on what she was saying, I don't know why, but the whole time she was talking, the screen, which was first person for Tsukune, was sideways but slowly went from her face down to, guess where? Her boobs.
"You've gotta be fucking kidding me." I deadpanned.
"He's staring at her tits while she's scolding him in front of the entire class, isn't he?" Damion asked, to which I nodded.
Finally, the dumbass zoned back in, throwing his head back and scratching it vigorously. "Oh, no! Crap, I forgot all about finals! And if this keeps up at the rate I'm going, I'm gonna get an 'F' and flunk out!" He shouted in panic, practically sobbing at the end.
"How do you forget about finals?! That's like make or break stuff!" Damion said.
"Tsukune…" I said, standing up and doing the Vulcan Neck Pinch on him, causing him to pass out and drop back down in his chair. "CALM. YO' DUMB. ASS. DOWN!" I said, taking my seat again.
Later, on the roof…
"So, you want the three of us to tutor you in math on top of always having to save your dumb ass?" Damion asked.
"Fuck that. I never even study on my own, why would I help you?" I asked, until Moka pulled out the knife again. "I could be persuaded." I said.
"Exactly! It's taking all my energy just to get used to the school! And along with that, with all these crazy mix-ups I keep getting dragged into, I've been way too distracted to study!" Tsukune explained.
"You should be used to this shit by now. Honestly, it isn't that hard to get used to. The rest of us are perfectly situated by now. As for the mix-ups, they barely happen. It's not our fault you don't study at all." Damion said.
"Exactly. People need to take responsibility for their own actions." I said.
"Come on, guys. Aren't you being a little harsh?" Moka asked.
"Hey, I'll help you study, too!" Kurumu said, Coming from nowhere.
"I don't think you'd be much help in that department, Kurumu." Damion said.
Then, from nowhere, Kurumu was taken down by a broom with Yukari attached to it. "No! Don't listen to her! If you need a math study-buddy, I know everything, Tsukune! Things like the cylindrical shell method and such as PV equal MRT! The final's coming up soon and you need help in math, so come on, what do you say?" Yukari said, probably eager to brag and show off her knowledge again.
"You DO realize we haven't learned half the stuff you're talking about in class, right?" I asked.
Suddenly, the door Kurumu left slung way open closed to reveal everyone's favorite stalker…. Jeez, it sounded really weird to say that. Oh, well, everyone's favorite stalker, Mizore. "Speaking of math…" She said, surprising everyone, Kurumu and Yukari hugging each other tightly in fear and me to cling to Damion until he pushed me off again. "I'm in the same boat because I missed a lot of school, so is it okay if I study with you guys too?" She asked. We all nodded.
"This is certainly going to be an… Interesting study session." I said.
"I find study groups work the best." Damion agreed.
"Yeah, all of us studying together is a great idea!" Moka said happily. "Well, should we get out of here and start hitting the books?" She asked.
"Yeah!" Everyone shouted, fist pumping, except Mizore, show just raised her hand a little and stayed silent. Damion and I didn't either, but we did nod and say "yeah".
Later in… Somewhere…
Yukari was at the board pointing to a lot of stuff written on the board with some pictures of scales, but I couldn't read the writing as A: it's in Japanese and B: It's too small. "And this is a derivative: a measure of…" She rambled on, saying things impossible to type down correctly. Meanwhile, Kurumu's eyes were spinning spirals as if she was really dizzy and Mizore was repeatedly writing Damion's name in her notebook Damion was only pretending to listen and I painted over my eyelids to make it look like I was awake, but I had actually fallen asleep. "It allows us to input a line of plain tangents that function at that point." She continued, from there it sounded like she was choked up on something.
(Jesus, I never learned any of the crap she was talking about when I was learning THIS EXACT TOPIC). I thought.
"So, all these tangents and integrals? How are they any different from addition and subtraction?" Mizore asked, shocking Yukari.
"That's… Not a bad question." I said.
Meanwhile, Tsukune was focusing only on Moka's notes. "Wow, you must take the most thorough notes in the world, Moka," He said, looking at it. "It's easy to follow, you're handwriting is great and everything's organized by topic, too." He said.
"Suck-up." I said, looking at him (with my eyes still closed). I do have to admit, they sound better than my notes, which literally ONLY say the basic idea. They are in order of topic, though.
"Stop, you're embarrassing me." She said, blushing. "If you'd like, I'd be more than happy to copy a set by hand for you." She offered.
"Thanks. That's so incredibly kind of you, Moka. But making a photocopy would be easier. Wait, I forgot, the school probably doesn't have anything useful like that." He said.
"How stupid do you have to be to make an idea, then shoot it down like that? Let someone else shoot down your ideas instead of shooting YOUR OWN ideas down yourself." I said.
"Oh, I don't mind, you're my friend! Anything for you!" She said.
"Moka…"
"Tsukune…"
"Moka…"
"Tsukune…"
Mok-ack!" Tsukune started, but was cut off when I put him in a sleeper hold.
Later, in the student mail room or something like that…
"Man, it's been a long time since I've studied for a test this hard. I'm beat." Tsukune said, stretching.
"No wonder you always fail. We didn't even study that hard." Damion said.
"And how can you be tired from studying for a MATH exam? If it were a gym exam or something, I'd understand, but not a math exam." I said.
"It was worth it if you learned something." Moka said.
"Oh, Mr. Aono. Sai and Damion, too." Ms. Ririko said, showing up from nowhere.
"Why do people randomly pop up from nowhere?" I asked.
"Why are you here so late? A club or something?" She asked mostly Tsukune.
"Um… No. Moka, the guys and I were just finishing up a study session." He answered.
"Along with Kurumu, Yukari and Mizore." Damion added.
"And don't call us 'the guys'. That's a term of endearment for guys you are friends with and hang out a lot with. We're not your friends and we never WANT to hang out with you. You just never leave us alone." I said.
"A study session?" She asked, then got a sly look on her face. "Well, that's not good, I'm sorry to hear it." She said.
"What 'chu talkin' 'bout, teacher?" I demanded, crossing my arms.
"Well, it is good that you're putting in some effort, but when students get together, they spend more time goofing off than studying the material." She explained.
"Sai Blade does not- Ooh, shiny." I began to protest, then went after the shiny object I saw.
"Do you KNOW Yukari? She' was teaching us stuff you haven't even STARTED talking about in class yet." Damion said.
"We didn't goof off." Tsukune said.
"We really studied." Moka agreed.
"More than one should EVER have to for a test like this." I said, walking back after putting the quarter in my pocket.
"I doubt it." Ms. Ririko said arrogantly, pissing me off. "You're just a student, Ms. Akashiya, you're NOT a teacher." She continued.
"Actually, the two of them only looked at each other's notes; Yukari was the one teaching the material. EXCESSIVELY THOROGHLY." I said.
"Well, even if you are all good at schoolwork, teaching is something best left to the professionals." She said.
"You mean someone who ISN'T you?" I challenged. I wouldn't exactly call threatening to spank students and constantly moving in ways that reveals your body to be professional.
She glared at me, but then cupped Tsukune's face and put it between her boobs. "What the hell?!" Damion and I both said at the same time.
"And that's why, tomorrow after class, you three will meet me in the tutoring room." She said, shocking everyone. "You'll never forget the lessons I teach you. I'm looking forward to them. I. Can't. Wait." She said, tapping her finger on Tsukune's face as she said I can't wait.
"I'll bet you can't." Tsukune said in fear.
"FUCK. THAT." I said, walking off.
"Hell no." Damion said, also walking off.
The next day…
Tsukune sighed, knowing he'd have to go to be tutored. "Well, I guess I'd better get goin', guys." He said.
"Why not just not go? There have been countless times when I've had to go to tutoring, therapy or detention and I didn't." I said, shrugging.
"No wonder there's so much wrong with you." Damion said.
"You've got 10 seconds to rephrase that." I said.
"To get tutored by Ms. Ririko, huh?" Kurumu asked. "I did talk to some older students who took math from her before. They said that she's so crazy about teaching that she goes overboard with it." She said.
"For some reason, I'm not surprised." I said, putting Damion in an arm lock before getting thrown into a wall.
"Yeah, bitch is crazy." Damion said, throwing a desk at me, which I burnt to a crisp.
"Yeah, anything else?" Tsukune asked.
"Well, there are two more problems. They just make so angry." She said, grabbing her boobs. "The boys won't stop staring at her tits!" She shouted, raising a fist into the air.
"R-really?" Moka asked, looking down at hers.
"Aw, are you jealous that your own huge honkers aren't as massive as hers? You're acting like a child, Kurumu." Yukari said, teasingly.
"Oh, Kurumu, you would HATE to be in the world of Queen's Blade. Every girl in that show has AT LEAST a D cup and there's even one woman who has boobs as big as the blade of a giant battle axe." I said, getting Damion in a bear hug and setting myself on fire.
"Well, actually, Yukari…" Kurumu said, kneeling down to Yukari's height and patting her non-existent chest. "The only child here is you! And the proof is your flat as a pancake chest!" She said.
Yukari growled, then groped Kurumu. "I'd rather have mine than your big, fat balloons!" She snapped.
"Mine are big, but what makes them really nice is how squeezable they are, unlike yours." Kurumu said, shocking Yukari.
She let go, then pushed on hers. "You're so superficial. Guys prefer mine because they offer quality over quantity and they're all wrapped up in a cute little package." She said confidently.
"Yeah, they're still flat as a board." She said.
Mizore watched this, then looked at her own, blushing. "Yours are perfect, babe. Don't worry." Damion said, choking me out.
"Hey, come on. Why don't all of you just knock it off already?" Tsukune said passively.
"Shut up, you little bitch! A passive waste of space like you can't appreciate a good fight! The flow of testosterone, the thrill of the battle itself, the edge and excitement of winning and the challenge of pain and getting hurt that must be overcome!" I said, rolling, causing Damion to lose his grip as we both went to the floor on our backs and I elbowed him in the ribs before rolling again and getting up.
We glared at each other, than nodded, calling it a draw. "And the respect you either gain or give to your opponent and the mutual satisfaction of a draw. Everything it means to be a man." Damion said as we shook hands.
"Hey, Tsukune. I know you're not looking forward to this tutoring, but it's still better than having to take make-up classes." Moka said supportively.
"Yeah, no one wants to sit in a hot school building in summer when you're supposed to be out having fun." I said.
"Yeah, that's the best part of the year. All the freedom and everything." Damion said.
"Moka's right! If you get a 50 or less in your final exam then you flunk the subject and you have attentive make up classes before they let you out for summer break!" Yukari said.
"Wait!" Tsukune said. Everyone looked at him. "I'd almost forgotten about that." He said, sounding like he was sad, but then he stood up and cheered. "Yeah! It's summer break once finals are done!" He said happily, then had another of his annoying fantasies.
We were all at the beach, Kurumu was laying out, sunbathing. Yukari was on all fours, giggling. I don't know what she was doing, but the fact I noticed was that she was turned so her ass was closest to the camera.
"The hell?! How much of a pedo are you?" I asked.
Mizore was under an umbrella out of the sun, looking pissed, ice all around her. Lastly, Moka was back floating in the water, her hair way out.
"Let me stop you again, here. Has your dumb ass already forgotten that Moka can't go in the water because she's a vampire? She'd die, dumbass." I said, smacking him in the back of the head.
"Also, don't get too excited. There's still no guarantee you'll pass your finals and, knowing you…" Damion said, taking a break to inhale, "You won't." He said, smugly.
He got right in Moka's face and fist pumped. "I'm gonna do it, Moka! I'm gonna work hard and pass math! Then we can do something together for summer break, okay?" He said.
"Okay." She said.
"I'm GENUINELY surprised he's actually showing any form of determination." I said with a considerate nod.
"Yeah. I wonder how long it'll last, though." Damion said.
Later…
The girls got done with Gym and Moka was having a pleasant conversation with the other girls. "So, are you all ready for final exams?" She asked.
"All of them except math." One girl said.
Kurumu got in front of Yukari and put her hands together. "I'm not either, so please be my tutor." She pleaded.
"I'm gonna have to refuse." She said, giggling, only to be tied up with ropes from nowhere. "You can't take me hostage, no!" She protested.
"Tutor me in math and I'll let you go, I've just gotta pass that final!" She said.
She bumped into Tsukune, who was mumbling a bunch of complicated math, faster and more complex than I'm gonna bother to put down. "Wait, I've heard of that. He's reciting mathematic formulas from memory! They're advanced ones that we haven't even covered in class yet!" She said, shocked.
"Awesome! So that tutoring must really be paying off, huh? Teach me! You've got to so that I can pass in math!" She said, trying to tackle him, but then he walked off and she fell.
Later, we were hanging out with Moka as she was waiting for Tsukune. He rounded the corner, still reciting the formulas when we stopped him. "Morning, Tsukune!" She said, happily.
We listened for a little bit, thoroughly shocked. "Pretty impressive, Tsukune. You're not gonna catch me in that tutoring session, but that's pretty impressive." I said, then noticed something in his eyes. They were totally blank.
"Hey, zombie, can you hear us?" Damion said, waving in his face.
Suddenly, Ms. Ririko appeared from behind us out of nowhere. "What are you doing!?" She demanded, looking at Moka.
"Give us a warning next time, what the hell?!" Damion snapped.
"Yeah, only I get to do ninja stealth!" I said.
She then looked at us. "As for you two, I thought I told you to come to my tutoring lessons as well." She said.
"Well, you thought wrong." I said.
"Especially if you thought we'd actually show up." Damion said.
She then snagged the notebook from Moka and flipped through it. "Well, I see you're trying to undermined me, aren't you?" She said.
"I am!" I said, raising my hand, to which Damion fell over and laughed.
"And trying to seduce Mr. Aono with this drivel? How dare you!" She said.
"From the sound of it, you're trying to seduce him and the only drivel I've seen or heard is from you." I said in defense to Moka.
"I was just helping him study!" Moka said, before Bitchyko threw the notebook in her face and knocked her down.
"What the hell, bitch?!" Damion snapped, glaring at her, helping Moka up while I was trying to keep myself from going Super Saiyan.
"You have some nerve. It's obvious to me that Mr. Aono hasn't been able to focus because of you." She said, which shocked and offended Moka."
"To be honest, you're the only thing that's distracting here, running that annoying-ass mouth of yours and talking total bullshit!" I snapped.
She then glared at me and went to smack me in the face, but I easily caught her hand. "How dare you! I'll deal with you at another time." She said, yanking away and storming off.
"What a bitch. We're gonna have to kick her ass." Damion said.
Tsukune then started to follow after her. "Tsukune, what the hell, man?! Didn't you see what she just did, don't go with her!" I warned him, but he continued to walk off, leaving me incredibly suspicious.
A few days later…
"Okay, Damion. Bottom line, we need to do something. I don't know what the bitch is doing, but it's obvious it isn't good. We have to find out what it is and stop her if we don't want Moka to constantly be depressed and Tsukune to stop being a math zombie." I said.
"Right." He agreed.
Suddenly, we heard Tsukune scream from a long ways away. "Well, isn't that retardedly convenient?" I said as we rushed to where we heard the screams coming from. We rushed their after getting the wrong directions, but then the right ones. "Fucking John Peters! Take a right, my ass!" I said.
"Whatever. We're here now, let's get in." Damion said, grabbing the handle. Unbeknownst to us, however, Ms. Ririko placed a candle under the door handle so the sessions couldn't be interrupted, so when Damion grabbed it, it hurt his hand. "Ow! The door hurt me, Sai!" He said.
"Here, let me do it." I said, stepping up to the door and kicking it. "Nyeh. Nyeh. Nyeh." I said for each kick. It didn't work, so I kicked faster. "Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh!" I said, kicking more. Still nothing….. "Nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh!" I said, repeatedly kicking the door as fast as I could.
(Okay, seriously, where the hell are those guys?!) Tsukune thought.
"NYEH!" Damion and I said together, kicking the door down and posing in a yoga lunge with our arms above our head and our hands bent.
"What are you two doing here?!" She demanded. She now had a snake for a lower body with a flower at the end of the tail.
"Oh, my gods, she's a Medusa!" I said.
"You mean a Gorgon and no, she's not." Damion said.
"She's a witch!" I corrected.
"She's a lamia." He said.
"Oh, whatever. I don't know what you're doing to Tsukune, but we're here to put a stop to it." I said.
"I am giving him educational guidance! You dare interfere!?" She demanded.
"Yes. We dare." Damion said, challengingly.
"Yeah. I think it's time we take YOU to school." I said, getting in a fighting stance.
"Then it's time for both of you to learn a lesson." She said, getting ready to fight.
"What's going on, here?" Mizore asked, popping in from an air vent.
"Mizore!" Damion said in a worried tone.
"What are you doing here?!" Ririko asked as she dropped down.
"Sounds like you've gotten all hot and bothered. Thought I should come here and cool you off." She said, pulling the lollipop out of her mouth and blowing ice cold air at Ririko.
"You truant slacker! I'm going to teach you a lesson you'll never forget!" She shouted, throwing candles at Mizore, trapping her with fire.
Damion shouted in rage and rushed in while I stayed back, trying to make sense of her form. Her tail was snaked through the various desks, so the end of the tail could come up at any moment, or she could just use enough of her tail to coil us, which we had to be ready for. She raised her tail for a surprise attack and slam Damion into a wall. From there I traced where her tail would be.
"Got it!" I said, rushing in, purposefully stomping on her tail each time I passed over it, causing her to scream in pain until I got to her face and decked her.
"How dare you attack me, you little bastard! I am your teacher, I deserve to be treated with the utmost respect!" She said, swinging her tail at me.
I easily dodged it and went for a kick to her face. "If you want my respect, then you have to EARN it!" I said, landing the kick when I said "earn".
"And frankly, you don't deserve any respect, you nerdy-ass, ugly slut!" Damion said, punching her in the face, knocking her to the ground.
"Huh. I just noticed, once you get around the tail, she just sits there." I said.
"Just finish her!" He snapped.
"Okay, jeez! Mr. Bossy. Let's rock, baby!" I said, pulling out Nevan, playing Smoke on the Water, sending bats, lightning and the fire from the candles at her. "Know your place!" I said, strumming a loud chord, shaking the whole room and blasting her back into the wall. "We learn anything today?" I asked in a smartass tone. (God, Dante's too much. And he's not even here.) I thought.
"Yes, sir and I appreciate the guidance that you've given me." She said.
"This episode's big showdown only took a mere 31 seconds, whee!" Kou said, flying off.
Suddenly, a strong freezing wind blew into the room, blowing out the fire from the candles and freezing Ririko. "What can I say; I just don't seem to know how to hold back." Mizore said, shrugging.
"That was COLD." I smirked, then she froze me…
Later…
"On the day of the math finals, Tsukune's stressing out again, whee!" Kou said.
It's true. Tsukune was staring at his paper with another freaked out look on his face. "Crap! I'm toast! All the knowledge Ms. Ririko pumped into me is completely gone now!" He said.
"That's why you can't really on the knowledge of anyone but yourself." I said, writing down the answers I knew and the ones that sounded right for the ones I can't remember (That's what I actually do).
"Unless they're teaching you the subject, but not if they're injecting it into your head." Damion said.
Later…
"So, how do you think you did on the finals?" Moka asked.
"I try to stay optimistic, but I don't get my hopes up until I see the grade." I said.
"I really don't care that much." Damion said.
"I'm not sure. I tried my best, but still…" Tsukune said.
"So in other words: Doomed to failure?" I said, to which Damion broke out laughing.
"Well, regardless to what grade I get, I still have no regrets." He said.
"Except losing Summer break." I said.
Later, when we got our papers back, to our surprise, the dumbass actually got an 89. "Good job, Tsukune. The problem child finally redeems himself." I said. "Not as much as me, though." I said, holding up my 97.
"Yeah, good job, Tsukune. Not as good as me, though." Damion said, holding up his 95.
"I did better." I smirked, then he tackled me and we began fighting again.
Mizore triumphantly held up her 56 while Kurumu was weeping over her 44. "Aw, crap, now I have to take make-up classes!" She cried.
"Too bad after all that tutoring I gave you." Yukari deadpanned, holding her 100. Mizore popped back up in front, still holding the 56, flashing a peace sign.