A/N: Can I just say that nothing in the world makes me happier than posting a chapter before bed and waking up to people's wonderful words of encouragement. It is honestly the best feeling in the world.
Also, this story has garnered the most support I have ever had in my writing career. It makes every new chapter that much more rewarding. Seriously, 122 people care enough to want to know when I've written more and another 83 people are willing to openly admit to having read and liked this story.
Not to mention the 116 comments that are all so wonderful and supportive that I think my heart might burst.
So yeah, I love all of you.
Enjoy.
Well shit, how the hell am I supposed to find something to fit him? He's fucking smaller than me! With an aggravated huff, Shizuo dropped the clothing he was holding haphazardly back into his drawer. This really wasn't a big deal, it was just some fresh clothes for Izaya to wear while he -hopefully- slept. Except for some reason, something inside the blond insisted that he do everything in his power to make Izaya feel comfortable.
And he was failing. At a rather basic task to boot.
This is stupid, Shizuo thought as he pawed through his casual clothes, trying to find something old that didn't fit him anymore, something he'd kept just in case.
I'm being stupid.
Okay, yeah, maybe he was. Maybe this particular issue was stupid, but the bigger picture it was a part of was anything but stupid. Shizuo had felt Izaya's frailty for himself, seen just how weak the raven was right now. This urge to take care of him wasn't stupid, and it certainly wasn't unfounded. The Omega had gone for too long trying to make it through life entirely alone, he needed someone he could lean on, someone he could trust. Shizuo was desperate to be that person, that Alpha.
Fuck, I'm not desperate. With a sigh, the blond leaned against his shoddy dresser and closed his eyes. He didn't have the energy to think about this when, in all honesty, the answers his mind supplied him with were terrifying.
And considering how long his list of questions that needed some serious thought had become, that was a lot of fucking nerves he had to settle.
Did he hate Izaya anymore? No, that answer was easy, Shizuo didn't even question that fact. He probably hadn't hated the flea for a while and definitely didn't now, considering all the information that had come to light.
But then the questions he was being forced to ask himself started getting tricky. Did he care about Izaya? Well, yeah, it certainly felt like it to Shizuo. He worried about the raven, wanted to keep him safe and the idea of him getting hurt definitely made him feel something. Yet, on the other hand, he was rutting and Izaya was his soul mate, there were a lot of things complicating the matter.
And while he was on the subject of soul mates, did Shizuo think of himself as Izaya's Alpha? Whatever he could have said on the topic, the blond had been thinking of Izaya as his a fair amount recently. One of the reasons he was keeping Izaya in his house was because he felt like it was an Alpha's job to take care of his Omega. But that was all just instincts, right?
Well fuck, was it? Maybe not. Shizuo ran a hand through his hair. He wanted Izaya to be safe but he also wanted the raven to feel safe with him. Did that mean Shizuo wanted Izaya to rely on him and think of him as his Alpha? How the hell was he supposed to even answer that question! The Omega had made his position on Alphas and mating quite clear, then he'd proceeded to fuck it all up by begging Shizuo to mate with him.
But then he'd acted scared and disgusted as if he hadn't actually wanted what he'd claimed to. Yet he was letting Shizuo keep him here? Did Izaya really want to be here at all? That thought made Shizuo feel a little sick. God, no, probably not, the raven hated him, right? Why they hell would he want to stay?
But he didn't fight it.
Izaya was probably too tired to fight anything anymore.
Clenching his jaw, Shizuo shook his head. He was just panicking over nothing. This was Izaya after all, he'd never met anyone quite so stubborn in his life. The damned flea didn't give in, he always fought, always tried to get what he wanted. If he had wanted to leave, he would have.
And it wasn't like Shizuo was going to hurt him, he just wanted to keep him safe. He just wanted to make the remainder of Izaya's heat less painful, just didn't want to have to worry about him without any way of knowing if the raven was okay.
He just, he just, he just… He just wanted things to make a bit of goddamned sense!
From the bathroom, the sounds of rushing water ceased and Shizuo clenched his fists. He'd stood here for far too long worrying about nothing. It's not nothing, it's a fucking problem I can't fix. Glancing in the direction of the bathroom, Shizuo blew out a harsh breath of air. It was probably too soon to get Izaya, besides, Shizuo needed some time of his own to just think. And preferably not go fucking crazy.
Needing to do something productive, the blond used this moment to change into the usual clothing he wore for bed. As he finally managed to calm his mind down, Shizuo gave up trying to find something that would fit Izaya and just grabbed some comfortable clothing for him to wear. He probably won't be here for long anyway.
With a long, exhausted sigh, Shizuo softly padded out of his room. As he passed the bathroom door, he stopped and stared at it. Briefly, he considered retrieving Izaya, before deciding against it. A clear image of the raven formed in his mind. Carmine eyes half closed, face blank, body swaying as if caught by invisible breezes, every bit of his aura conveying exhausted resignation.
He really doesn't want to be here… As his heart sank for all those unspoken reasons he couldn't pin down, Shizuo tore himself away from the door and walked into his kitchen, frustrated with himself. I'm pretty much forcing him aren't I, it's not like he's strong enough to leave on his own, I didn't give him an option. Well, what else was he supposed to do? Izaya was scared, Shizuo just wanted to make him feel safe.
I'm making it worse, I'm controlling him. No, this was stupid, he was being stupid. Shizuo couldn't just assume he knew what Izaya was thinking because when had he ever known what the damned flea was thinking. Noticing his forgotten cigarettes on the table, the blond grabbed for them and swiftly lit up, trying to dispel the horrible thrumming in his chest that wouldn't leave him alone.
As he stood there, watching the smoke trail up from his smoldering cigarette, Shizuo tried to force his mind away from the precipice it was dangerously close to falling into. Yet he couldn't get away, there were too many things crowding his mind. The blond wanted to believe he was doing this for the right reasons but he didn't know. He wanted to be able to confidently say he was keeping Izaya here, of his own free will, because that was what Alphas were supposed to do.
But he couldn't because it wasn't that clinical, that cut and dry. After all, Izaya wasn't just an Omega, Shizuo wasn't doing this because of any moral stance on the subject. Izaya was his soulmate, someone he was biologically programmed for. Somehow though, they had been enemies, a fact that had just changed, leaving Shizuo with feelings he couldn't confirm to be his own or just instincts.
Ultimately, they had led him to this powerful desire to keep Izaya within arms reach where he was safe. The raven had claimed to be 'fine' with it but how much of that was Izaya and how much of that was the Omega's own base nature showing through? Shizuo wanted to do what was best for Izaya, how was he supposed to be certain that this was what was best as opposed to taking him home?
But the thought of letting Izaya out of his sight hurt. Shizuo wanted Izaya to stay. He'd told the raven it was only until the end of his heat but what about after that? Would they really be pushed back into their everyday lives like nothing had happened?
Of course, it wouldn't be ordinary, Izaya would probably avoid him from that moment on. Chances that the blond would have any contact with the Omega were next to none.
That made the desire to keep him here, keeping him safe, while Shizuo could, all the stronger. And yet, if Izaya wanted to leave, would he really force him? If he wanted the raven to trust him, treating him like he had no rights, like he was property almost, was the opposite of what he wanted to do. He thinks all Alphas are shit, how do I keep him here without proving him right?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
As his first cigarette burnt up, the blond lit another. What do I do if Izaya does want to leave? Pushing past the pain that idea caused aside as best he could, Shizuo clenched and unclenched his free hand before shoving it in the pocket of his sweatpants. There really was only one answer to that and the blond knew it. If the raven asked to leave, Shizuo would have to let him. It didn't matter how he felt, it didn't matter how much it hurt, the Alpha would have to respect Izaya's wishes.
He'd do it, but it made him feel like shit.
But what if something bad happened? What if another Alpha discovered what Izaya was and took advantage of him?
But on the other hand, what if I take advantage of him. I want to, I would have and the thing that stopped me is something I don't understand. Next time, if shit starts to happen, who's to say I'll stop it? Nothing, absolutely nothing.
Shizuo had never had complete control over himself, he'd always been unpredictable, volatile. He'd never been sure what he was capable of and it scared him. Normally, the blond would have sworn up and down that he wouldn't so much as touch anyone in any sort of romantic or sexual way unless he knew the other person wanted it. Faced with the problem now, though, a room away from Izaya, his Omega, who was also in heat, Shizuo wasn't sure if he could trust himself. Because he'd never actually had to deal with this before, he didn't know where his breaking point was.
Maybe it would be safer for Izaya if I wasn't around…
Like pulling a drowning man from the ocean, Shizuo yanked himself from those self-destructive thoughts that had him spiraling. He couldn't keep thinking about it. If Izaya brought it up, he'd address it but until then he needed to stop digging. Instead, he focused on his cigarette, just the steady inhalation of nicotine and the release of smoke, thick, heavy, soothing. Except it wasn't, he couldn't find that quiet he'd always enjoyed in his tiny apartment, the silence was still there, but it was deafening. Suffocating him like a blazing fire had sucked the air from his lungs.
A second cigarette quickly turned into three, then to four. Anything to keep his mind blank, anything to distract him from the battery of problems he'd crashed into when he'd pinned Izaya to that alley wall. All he'd wanted were some answers, he hadn't signed up for this shit.
But fuck it if he didn't want what the universe was offering.
It was only once his fourth cigarette had burnt down to his fingers that Shizuo thought to glance at the time. Shit, Izaya's been in there an hour, hasn't he? Instantly feeling guilty, the blond snubbed out his cigarette and picked up the spare clothes he'd grabbed for the raven. Hopefully, Izaya hadn't drowned.
Walking towards the bathroom door, Shizuo paused, knuckles poised over the cheaply painted wood. For a moment, just a fraction of a second, he hesitated, wondering, then he rapped softly on the door. "Izaya?"
There was no response for several seconds, and Shizuo felt a twinge of worry. I was fucking kidding, the flea couldn't have possibly drowned, right? Shaking his head, the blond knocked again before carefully opening the bathroom door. "Izaya, are you okay?" The room was cold, making even Shizuo, whose body temperature naturally seemed to run higher, feel the chill. As an afterthought, the Alpha grabbed a couple towels and called to the closed shower curtain, "You've been in here for an hour."
There was the faint slosh of water. " 'm fine Shizu-chan. Fell asleep," Izaya mumbled drowsily. Shizuo couldn't help but feel guilty all over again, he shouldn't have left the raven there long enough for something like that to happen. Reaching for the curtain to pull it aside, Shizuo hesitated when Izaya added, "Too tired to keep my eyes open."
As the blond retracted his hand, there was another sloosh of liquid and the shower curtain twitched open to reveal a very tired looking Izaya. His skin was paler than usual, probably from the chill of the room, and his thin lips had a bluish tint to them. Dripping black hair laid plastered to his forehead and neck and his carmine eyes were clouded with sleep. He looked so peaceful like he couldn't care less where he was or who was standing before him. For once he wasn't plotting or scheming or lying or mocking or laughing or moving, he was just lying there, his expression a blank canvas that hadn't yet been tainted by motivations or emotions.
Realizing abruptly that he'd been staring, Shizuo blinked awkwardly. "Sorry," he muttered, frowning slightly. "I should have come and gotten you earlier. You're probably cold." There definitely wasn't any heat coming off of that water that Shizuo could sense, just a dry chill that made the room feel eerily quiet, like every moment of silence was an ungainly pause that needed to be remedied. Needing to say something to fill the empty space, Shizuo proffered the clothes he'd dug up and said, "They won't fit you, but they'll work. I guess."
Izaya gave a short sigh. "Alright." As if he wasn't exactly sure what to do, the raven looked about aimlessly, his thin fingers gliding along the sides of the bathtub without gaining any traction. After a few seconds of this, he bit his lip and glanced up at Shizuo like a wounded animal. Puffing out a small breath, the raven mumbled, "Shizu-chan…"
Oh yeah, he probably can't get up on his own. "Oh, right, I just-" Unsure how he had planned on ending that sentence, Shizuo shut his mouth smartly and started forward. Keeping his eyes fixed resolutely on Izaya's hair just to avoid the inevitable locations they might travel, Shizuo reached into the cold water and scooped the raven out of the tub. Shizuo could feel Izaya's shivers as the Omega tucked his head into the blond's neck and curled up into his chest. The chill water seeping into the Alpha's shirt hardly registered at all, not with Izaya held so closely in his arms.
Because whatever the consequences, that's where he belonged.
With a bit of tricky maneuvering, Shizuo managed to wrap the shivering raven in a towel before sitting him down on the edge of the sink. Listing minutely from side to side, Izaya's eyes drooped closed as he sat there, letting the blond dry him off. Shizuo tried to keep his movements methodical, noting once again the bruises on the raven's body, a stark contrast to the rest of his ivory skin.
Making sure Izaya had a hold of the edges of the now damp towel, Shizuo quickly went about dressing the raven. The remaining moisture on Izaya's skin made the task a little slower than the blond would have liked but it helped that Izaya remained silent for the duration, just complying with the small movements required to help Shizuo dress him.
The extra pair of sweatpants Shizuo had found Izaya were ridiculously big on him, practically puddling around his thin legs. While the Alpha was aware of how much power Izaya's body possessed when he was at the top of his game, flying through the streets of the city like a demon, in this moment he seemed so frail like he could shatter if Shizuo handled him wrong.
Reaching for the tee-shirt, Shizuo noticed the faint blush on Izaya's face but chose not to comment on it. His eyes seemed to be so distant, Shizuo doubted that whatever had darkened the raven's cheeks had anything to do with what was currently happening. Hoping to draw his mind back to the present, Shizuo gently tugged the wet towel from Izaya's fingers and discarded it in favor of the shirt, which he pulled over Izaya's head. The raven struggled in forcing his arms through the sleeves but after that brief economy of movement, he returned to just sitting there, absently swinging his legs. Shizuo could see the shivers racing through him however and could hear the soft clack of Izaya's teeth.
Noticing the damp spots on Izaya's shoulders where his wet hair had dripped, Shizuo grabbed the spare towel and, after a moment's consideration, carefully tugged Izaya's head closer and covered it with the towel. The raven merely sat there meekly, letting Shizuo tousle his hair dry. Once Izaya's hair was only passably damp, the blond stood back and looked at the tired Omega.
When Izaya glanced up, Shizuo could see the blankness in his eyes, like he'd simply run out of things to feel. There were no more masks or games to play, the raven was too exhausted, too… empty. It worried Shizuo slightly, but it also reminded him that it was getting close to midnight and Izaya hadn't slept properly in god knows how long.
Just carry him to bed, staring at him isn't going to fix anything.
"It's late," was what Shizuo, at last, said, his voice sounding distorted as it broke the silence. Scratching the back of his head, the blond added, "You should probably get some rest."
Izaya's eyes dropped to the ground and he quietly, derisively almost, murmured, "If I try to get up, I'll fall Shizu-chan." Like I don't know that I was just warning you. But the look on the raven's face held fast Shizuo's annoyed comments. Izaya's entire posture conveyed just how weak he felt. As far back as the blond could remember, Izaya had always been confident, dominant, leering almost. Always on the offensive, even when he was running away. There had never been fear, there had never been an admission of weakness, Izaya always had the upper hand.
Until now.
Now, Izaya was left hunched over, picking at the peeling edge of Shizuo's shitty countertop, unable to move on his own, completely at the Alpha's mercy.
As if in answer to Shizuo's silence, Izaya said, in a very small voice, "I'm too weak to get anywhere on my own." It was painfully clear how much Izaya hated to say the words, like they were an admission of failure, of shame.
Mortified to have made Izaya explain something Shizuo already knew when it clearly made the raven upset, the blond quickly said, "Yeah, sorry," and lifted the raven off the sink. Once again, Shizuo was struck with how right it felt to have Izaya in his arms and once again he forced himself away from that impossibility. Because that's what it is, right? Impossible, because he'll never be mine. Nevertheless, Shizuo tried to soak in this feeling, the weight of Izaya, the way his damp hair tickled the blond's neck, the calming, heavenly scent that drifted from the raven and the little breaths stirring his shirt.
But as he shouldered the bathroom door open, Shizuo had to break the silence, mostly because he still felt bad about before. "Your heat will be over soon, right?" He honestly didn't know, he was just assuming and hoping he was at least partially correct. "You won't have to put up with this for long." Not that I'm complaining…
"Yeah, almost over," Shizuo glanced down at the raven to find his eyes drooping closed, an odd expression on his face. "You do realize that being around you and your scent and your pheromones are making it worse, though."
At Izaya's words, Shizuo's stomach plummeted and it was all he could do not to stumble as he stopped, poised in the doorway to his room. Oh god, I was right, he doesn't want to be here. I am making things worse. "I-I- I never-" Shizuo started, not sure what he was supposed to do. Shit, I really am screwing up. What am I even doing? Why am I treating him like he's a child that can't do anything for himself and can't make his own decisions? Why am I treating him like I hold any sort of claim to him? Fighting the panic welling in his chest, Shizuo forced out, "I never meant to force you into anything Izaya, I won't-"
He stopped again. I need to say this, but fuck, it hurts. This was his worst case scenario, Shizuo didn't want to have to deal with it, but he had to. Because otherwise, he was no better than any other Alpha who forced themselves on an Omega. It didn't matter what they did and didn't do while Izaya was here, it would all be against Izaya's will if the raven wanted to leave.
Voice sounding almost choked, Shizuo murmured, "If you honestly want to leave, I won't stop you." He could feel the raven shift but he didn't dare look down. If he did, he wouldn't be able to finish, much less follow through if that's what Izaya asked of him. "I'll take you home if-" His heart leapt painfully and he muttered, "Fuck," before giving up. At least I said it, he can make a decision now. But still, Shizuo held Izaya closer, scared of what he might say. Tightening his jaw, the blond stared straight ahead, trying not to show how much this was affecting him. Izaya probably thinks I'm being stupid. Why wouldn't he want to leave?
Instead of immediately speaking, the Omega let out a soft sigh. Thin fingers gripped the loose collar of Shizuo's tee-shirt and Izaya's tired voice murmured, "I want to stay Shizu-chan." At those words, the tension in the Alpha's body vanished, washing him with relief. He's not leaving me, Shizuo thought, finally releasing the breath he hadn't even realized he was holding. I was being ridiculous after all… "Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere."
"I- Thank you," Shizuo muttered, his throat feeling like it was closing up. It was the one thing he'd wanted, and Izaya was giving it to him.
Trust.
Humming softly in response, Izaya's fingers loosed their grip on Shizuo's collar and the blond could feel the Omega relax. Quickly glancing down, Shizuo felt a soft smile creep across his lips at the peaceful look on Izaya's face. The raven's eyes were closed and his small breaths just barely stirred the hair falling across his cheeks.
Remembering abruptly that he was still standing in the door to his room, Shizuo shook himself mentally and finished his walk to his bed. Slowly, careful not to jostle the Omega, the blond lowered Izaya into his bed and went about tugging the still-tangled sheets over the raven. The way Izaya curled inwards and seemed to instinctively bury his face in the blond's pillow was cute, and the Alpha's eyes softened.
Wait, cute?
Noticing Izaya's lazy crimson gaze, Shizuo decided to leave those odd thoughts for a later time and instead brushed the hair from the Omega's face. "I'll be in the other room," Shizuo said, hoping he sounded at least a little reassuring. "Really, just call if you need something." Anything, I swear, I'll be there for you.
Fuck, I must be going crazy.
Izaya blinked but didn't respond. He seemed too tired to string together enough words to answer. With an internal sigh, Shizuo turned to leave. He could have stayed there all night, would have done so gladly, but he knew his limits and he knew that Izaya probably had them as well. Staying would have definitely crossed the invisible line they'd drawn in the sand.
That is until he felt a weak tug on the back of his shirt. Turning quickly, Shizuo found a red-faced Izaya retracting his hand expediently, or at least, as fast as he could manage. Noticing the look in the raven's eyes, the unspoken fear that Izaya would never admit to, Shizuo sighed.
"I'm not staying here Izaya," he insisted, already feeling guilty as Izaya's tired eyes begged him not to leave. "You'll probably sleep better on your own anyway. I'm not going to abandon you or anything."
Izaya whined as if protesting Shizuo's words but something in him looked reassured. "Shut up," the raven mumbled, pressing his face into the pillow as if trying to hide from the blond.
I'd stay if I thought it would help, but it won't, so I won't.
After a moment's pause, during which Shizuo decided that Izaya wasn't going to raise any further concerns, the blond muttered, "Just try to sleep. You're exhausted." As am I.
Turning away from the sleepy Omega, Shizuo flipped the light switch before closing the door to his room. Letting out a low, long sigh, the blond leaned on the door behind him and let his eyes drift closed.
Yup, definitely losing it.
Well, maybe he could wait until tomorrow to go insane. Thinking of Izaya, curled up in his bed, sleeping peacefully, Shizuo realized it was far too late for that. Peeling back his lids, Shizuo glanced over at his shitty couch and managed a groan.
Well, it was better than sleeping on the floor, and at least he knew his Omega was close by.
I've got to stop thinking like this…
With heavy limbs, Shizuo padded over to his couch, grabbed one of the tiny pillows from the end and collapsed onto the cushions. He thought it would take him a while to fall asleep, he had a lot on his mind, even more thrumming in the air around him, but some things are deceptive. Sleep, above all, is one of them. It comes when you least expect it and hits you hard enough to floor even the most active of minds. In the end, Shizuo found its lazy pull irresistible.
His senses faded to peaceful gray in minutes, leaving only the ever present scent of Izaya to follow him into his dreams.
A/N: I guess you could call this a minor story arc? Oh well, whatever it is, it's over now.
I will warn you that I will be, as many do, taking liberties with the usual Omegaverse cannon. There won't be a great deal of excessive explaination, I like to be occasionally succinct.
The perspectives are also going to change a bit, there won't be as much overlap, only what I feel is necessary. Trust me, I'm a writer.
Until next time~!