(IMPORTANT A/N) Hello, all, Swiss here with possibly the fastest update I've ever given.

I don't think this is the place to talk about my personal life, but certain events threw me into the proper place for writing this chapter.

The usual ending author's note will not be there, I think it might wreck things, so I ask that EVERYONE PLEASE READ THIS.

#1.) This is the last full chapter, but there will be an epilogue clearing a few things up for everyone, so if this seems unfinished, that would be why.

#2.) ONE HUNDRED FRICKIN' REVIEWS! :) I think my 100th reviewer was Razer Athane, but I could be wrong… Let's see if we can crack 200, hmmm?

#3.) Thank you to everyone who offered me fan-art! I haven't gotten any yet, but I'm looking forward to it.

#4.) Thank you to everyone who has ever looked at this story. I've never finished one before, so this means a lot to me. Special love to those who have been with me since Chapter One…sadly I don't know who you are… But, I love you! :)

#5.) Should I rate this "T"? Would it get me more readers? …that's what it's all about…

A Special Request (The Final One, Actually.)

If this story makes you cry, makes you angry, makes you say "WTF?", confuses you, or you hate its guts… I want to know.

What I'm asking is for every person who reads this chapter to review. This fic is a part of me, and I've shared it with you in the hopes that maybe you can know me through my writing.

Please, if you love this story, if you hate it, if you have an account or not, if you want to kill me, anything. Tell me everything. In the end, your reviews are what made writing this worth it, and they are what I will continue to work for.

Flames loved just as much as high praise, lengthy comments preferred either way.

If every person who reads this chapter reviews, imagine what a beautiful world it will be.

I really look forward to seeing your thoughts and using them as fuel for an amazing epilogue.

"Happy birthday, dear Roxas…"

The phrase 'I never thought I'd live to see the day' had never been more appropriate. Fifteen, past the date I'd been given. Even though there were mornings when everything burned and shook inside me, these seconds made it worth it.

"Happy birthday to you."

This birthday party was a bit of a shock, as I never told anyone when my birthday was, but it was great to wake up and have almost everyone who cared about me there. Aerith and Zack were there, of course, Aerith giving me a hand-knitted blanket and Zack giving a shrug and "I wanted to buy you porn, but someone said no."

Demyx was there, though how he got invited was a mystery, and I saw him actually shake hands with Axel. He whispered something in Axel's ear, though, something that sounded an awful lot like "I want my fucking microwave back." Then I wondered if I'd imagined it as Demyx's smile returned and he offered me an oddly shaped package.

"It's a clock radio," he said, and all I could do to keep from laughing was solemnly say, "That's good to know."

A slightly bigger surprise was that Tifa had wrangled that delivery guy, Cloud, into coming to the occasion. He didn't say much, mostly stood off to the side, but every once in a while he'd reach out and squeeze Tifa's hand. The blush on her face and the gentle smile on his made me sure that everything had fallen together for them. I was happy, she deserved it.

When it was time to blow out the candles, I had a little trouble sitting up far enough to leave the bed. I tried to not let it show, tried to put my feet on the ground, but a slender hand pushed me back to the pillows. "Sit the bed up, we'll bring the cake to you."

Aerith was always a bit too perceptive about things like these.

The candles were lit with Axel's ever-present disposable lighter, the cake was resplendent on the adjustable food tray over my lap, and I had a wish at my disposal. I breathed in as deeply as I could, thought of what I wanted most, and exhaled.

What came out was a half-sputter so weak it barely disturbed the flames.

Oh, God. This is possibly the most humiliating thing that has ever happened to me.

And then Axel was right there next to me, blowing a puff of air, trying his hardest to be discreet about helping me do what anyone should have been able to. The candles flickered out, and I realized that I hadn't wished for more time, like I'd imagined doing. When I saw the tiny lights go out, I'd thought of how life wasn't really all that bad, and I'd wished for everyone to be loved.

X~x~X

I could barely get up most mornings. I was tired all the time, and I'd skip baths for two or three days, even though I knew the medicinal, sterile smell of the hospital found its way into my skin.

I knew I looked like a pale bag of bones. There were shadows under my eyes deeper than the dark under the bed, and I wheezed when I breathed in.

Axel didn't leave often, though; he'd shaved down his schedule to the bare minimum. I told him not to, to go to school, but he went and did it anyway, saying it was only one more year.

He sat next to the bed in the horrible chair while I slept, sat on the bed next to me and watched lame TV, sat on the bathroom counter looking the other way when I took a bath. It was comfortable, but I wondered why he was still here. I wasn't anything to look at, I didn't joke around or laugh much anymore. I was a shell, the cocoon after the insect inside was through with it, something useless that hadn't figured it out yet.

Still he sat, talked, made noise in the silence, brought presence to the empty room. He slept in the horrible chair, slumped over with his head on the mattress. I told him to go home, that couldn't be good for his back, but he stayed anyway, saying he could sleep anywhere and there was a reason for chiropractors.

"Why do you do it?" This was May, in the middle of the month, and I was thinking too much.

"Do what?" He cocked his head to the side like a confused puppy.

"Why stick around? I won't get better, Axel. I'm not going to get any prettier, I'm not going to get older, I'm not going to 'get' much of anything besides dead. Why are you still here?" I didn't hear any anger in my voice, just flat inquiry.

I wasn't prepared for the cold fury that gripped his face, or the cold hands that gripped my bony shoulders. "What…do you mean by that?" His tone was deadly serious, and I felt myself begin to sweat.

"Don't act like you really want to be here. Don't fake it that you want me anymore. You don't have to. You can go." I was so damn angry, so mad that he lied like he did. Pretended to enjoy it, pretended to laugh at things, when all he was doing was waiting it out. I wouldn't hold him here any longer.

The grip on my shoulders increased in force, almost painful, as Axel's jaw set tightly. "Shut up."

"W-what?" I was scared, scared of him at that moment. He'd never been this way before.

"Shut. Up." It was audible when I gulped, prepared to say something, then closed my mouth. Axel stared me down for a few seconds more and then continued. "Don't you ever. Ever. Tell me that I don't want to be here, or that I don't want you. Don't you fucking tell me that I don't care. Because I fucking love you. Do you get that? This scares me more than I have EVER been scared in my life. I'm scared that I'll have NOTHING after you go. I'm scared shitless to be alone again. Don't EVER tell me this isn't real. Because if this isn't real, I'll kill myself. I'll die right now. If this isn't real, NOTHING has ever been real."

His voice stayed level, angry, and I collapsed like a broken bottle and cried. "I'msorryIloveyouIloveyouI'msorrypleasedon'tI'msorryIloveyou…"

I couldn't tell who was saying what anymore, but it mattered that it was being said. Quick, while there's time left.

X~x~X

Axel brought me flowers one day. They were yellow, and they smelled nice, and they sat in their vase for days until they had all gone brown.

I liked them a lot. It was good to know that the earth was waking up and making things, even though I was sort of falling asleep.

X~x~X

The hospital chapel was beautiful like this, with soft ribbons and pink roses on every pew, and Zack looked hyper as hell as he waited for Aerith to make her way in. It wasn't easy for me to walk that far anymore, but I had promised, and even though I didn't have the coordination to put the tie on anymore, I held the pillow with the rings on it and walked down the aisle with my back as straight as I could. Do not fall down. You can do this, your knees aren't that bad, just walk straight, then you can sit. Do not fall. Do not fall. Donotfall. Youwillnot. Youwillnot.

The ceremony began, and light piano began to play as Aerith entered the room, hair down and wavy for once. Her dress was pretty, floor-length and strapless, with pearls on the top part and a flowy-looking skirt. I wondered where the pink was, then realized her bouquet was entirely made up of various shades of it and smiled to myself.

I saw Zack's face light up like a kid in a candy store when she began walking, and I wondered what he was thinking right then. Everything was wonderful. This was happy, and I was part of it. Everything seemed to glow, and the actual marriage moved pretty quickly. Before I knew it, we were all standing, and the man in a dress was saying, "I now pronounce you man and wife. You may-" Sharp gasps interrupted the priest for no apparent reason.

Why did they stop? I wondered. Then I realized I was on the ground looking up, and several faces floated into my field of vision. "Roxas, are you all right? Hey, don't close your eyes! Stay with us!" I wasn't sure who it was that was talking, things were pretty blurry, and the world started looking like a busted TV set.

"Sorry for…dying all over the rental suit…"
I didn't have time to say anything else before my vision went completely.

X~x~X

Opening your eyes onto a bright room was always strange, and the first few blinks were clouded with sleep. I brought a hand up to rub away the slime I was sure had collected, finding myself met with a sharp tug on the back of my wrist. So the drip's in for good. One day soon I'll wake up and not be able to move, even if I want to.

I couldn't tell for how long I'd been out; the time of day was no indication and I didn't have a way to figure the date. No one was in the vicinity, or so I thought until a gurgle of water from the adjacent bathroom caught my attention. Axel meandered out, zipping his pants on the way back to his chair, clearly not expecting me to be awake.

I didn't say anything, not entirely sure I still could. He didn't see that my eyes were open for a second, and when he did, he nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Roxas? You with me?" There was a significant amount of incredulity in his speech; I wondered what the doctors had told him about my chances.

I nodded, not trusting my voice.

"That's…really good. Uh… How are you feeling?" I could see that he didn't know what to say, the awkwardness belied his fake calm.

"Okay."

"Good." Axel seemed to notice he'd already said that, and quieted. He began twiddling his thumbs, a sure sign that there was something he wanted to say, but was biting back.

This silence dragged on for agonizing minutes. I could almost hear my joints crackling, synovial fluid not doing what it should.

"Axel?"

"Yeah." His head raised, but it was a statement of awareness more than a response.

"Can I have another ice cream?"

"What?" Now I had his attention.

"Ice cream. I'd really like one." A lie, but a useful one. I didn't want much of anything lately; still, things had to be done.

"Ice cream. Yeah, I'll be back." He moved listlessly, as if he were underwater, through the doorway.

It was time. The clock was running backwards, the water was leaking out, time to say what had to be said while I could.

Thank God for hospital stationery.

Dear Axel.

If you're reading this…

X~x~X

"Are you sure? I mean, you've got the wires and there's not much room to begin with…"

I patted the empty space on the bed beside me. "Stay. That's all."

One more night, please. One more morning waking up warm and happy. I want to be hungry again, to want anything other than time.

X~x~X

Things were less concrete the closer I got to the end. More colors faded out, faces were disconnected from bodies or voices, I pushed away food and didn't couldn't leave the bed. Words words endless pouring around me filling the bedsheets rocking me to sleep.

I reached up to touch his face, just one more. Just one more time, please, let me have that. Skin to skin. Tracing the tattoos that I never asked for the story of. I wouldn't remember now if I had.

X~x~X

"…no one ever dies in the Game of Life…why is that?" The little one asked, half asleep and thinking out loud.

"…no one loves, either," said the bigger one who loved him, grasping for something right to say.

"That's true."

And the little one yawned like a sleepy kitten, curled up as best he could in the fuzzy blanket someone had made because they loved him, the bigger one not leaving, not letting go of the smaller skeletal hand, not for anything. Not ever.

The little one fell asleep, breathing deep and slow, soothed by living touch and thoughts that it would be nice, wouldn't it, if only certain things could change.

X~x~X

Awareness struck me first, the awake you feel when you haven't yet opened your eyes after a long sleep.

Open my eyes.

I tried.

I couldn't.

Twitch a toe, say something, lick my lips, nothing responded. This body was dry as salt, too blunted to move any way other than the pulse of my heart and the up and down of my chest.

I registered faintly that there was a mask over my mouth and nose. I could smell the impersonal, acrid odor of plastic.

There was the ever-present hand in mine, still as a calm ocean; Axel's pulse beat through his skin like it was trying to climb inside of me and keep me going longer.

Today was the day, then. I'd been so scared of it, but in the dark, there was a lot of time to think. If it was a choice between forever like this and whatever came next, that wasn't much of a choice at all.

I felt like a patient in a doctor's waiting room, something I knew well. I had arrived on time, but I'd be kept waiting another hour for no apparent reason. Death was processing me, completing the paperwork before calling my name.

Noise, somewhere off to my left. A familiar voice, but I couldn't tell whose it was. "He can likely hear you, but it will be soon."

"How soon?" There was Axel's baritone, comforting even now, even through this. "Days? Minutes?"

"Hours, I'm afraid. If not today, then early tomorrow."

I was always one to appreciate a good time frame.

There was an ice cube being drawn over my lips, slow, like ChapStick. It felt good, the air not as stale, the water rolling onto my tongue. I couldn't swallow, but the cotton feeling backed away. Not gone, but crouching somewhere close.

Axel never left, not that I could tell, and he was never silent. I would swear I knew his early life story by now.

"Uh…when I was fifteen, that was my first year of high school. First time I had a crush on a guy. Short like you, with this kind of blue hair. Name was…Ienzo? Something foreign…anyway, so turns out he wasn't gay, and I got humiliated in front of the entire school. Well, not really, but enough of the school to where everyone knew… Roxas?"

I wanted to say something. Ask him to continue. As long as I was listening, the clock was still going.

There was a loud sniffle, and the slight shock of something wet and hot on my arm. Tears.

"If you could talk, I'll bet you'd tell me to shut the hell up and let you sleep."

No, I wanted to tell him. Talk. Tell me, ask me, inform me. As long as you can talk to me, I'm still here.

"But, since you're not, I'm going to just keep going."

I would have smiled. In my head my mouth bloomed wide, flashing dirty teeth and pale gums. In the real world, not even a twitch of my eyelid. Axel seemed to understand anyway. I loved him for that.

"Okay, so at the homecoming dance that year, which by the way really sucked…"

X~x~X

I was drifting. I was horrified. One minute I was reliving Axel's first dance with him, and when I next noted his voice, he was telling me about the beginning of college. I skipped in and out of listening, though where I went when I didn't hear him was an unknown quantity.

Death, maybe; I was slipping into dying until Axel's voice called me back.

I then noticed he'd been quiet for a while…or was it me? Where had I gone?

"Roxas." I'm here, I'm here, tell me. Please. I feel transparent, like the lights from overhead pass right through me to the sheets below.

"Roxas…I love you. You can…" Sobs, earth-wracking sobs like cloth tearing, a fire engine klaxon, sorrow so deep I didn't think a person could ever climb out. A deep breath. A swallow. "You can go, if you want to." This without any wavers, no gasps. Didn't he know I didn't want to leave? I didn't want to…

Where am I? Who am I? Who was I before?

I'm weightless, I think. Like a leaf from a tree on the wind. Wind, I remembered that. I love you. Who said that? Did I think it? Mops and soup and boots and stars. Ice cream. Plants. Wrong answers. This was the life I was forgetting.

Inhale. Sweet stale air. It bites my throat, but I am falling through a wind tunnel, plummeting towards invisible ground.

I'm perpendicular to my body somehow, holding onto my own hand where it meets Axel's, a Diaspora of soul from flesh. I love you. Dissolving, evanescing into vapor. I couldn't hear anything, or see anything, sense anything at all.

Walking across a broken bridge, a hand reaching out from the other side, I catch it before the planks collapse. I am saved, pulled toward harbor. Home?

. Thetrainisboarding,getongeton, paperorplasticyou'llbeLATE!, ,iloveyouthankyou. For everything. Everything no matter how it hurt.

The sky, if there was still a sky, shatters like a mirror and falls onto me, inside me, piercing my not-skin with sharp pieces. There is a tinkle of broken glass, and then everything, all of the sweet painful noxious Iloveyou everything,

was

quiet.

X~x~X

Beeeeep.

The hand around mine lost its purchase.

Beeeeep.

"Ohfuck. Rox c'mon, this isn't funny, wake up now. Things to do people to see, ohfuck Roxas get up now, please please don't do this I-" was shoved away by men in white coats and women in green, clipboards written on in a messy scrawl.

"Call it."

"8:23."

The sheet was pulled up, the gurney rolled from the room. I was standing in the corner under the TV, which was murmuring Jeopardy! and why was I thinking that, he was gone. They took him away.

I felt myself sink to my knees on the hard sterile floor. No tears. I shook, I wrapped my own arms around myself, I shuddered violently until I thought something was going to snap. I tried to light a cigarette, fuck policy, the flame wouldn't take. Try another. Another. Every cigarette in my trusty pack of Marlboro Reds scattered on the floor, my thumb still flicking the lighter uselessly, scorching my hand that was shaking almost too hard to keep a grip.

Roxas was gone. No, he hated "euphemisms." He was dead. Cold. No life left under his skin. No clockwork turning in his eyes. The buzzer had sounded. Home team loses again.

White shoes come into my field of vision, taking the lighter from my hands. Pink pants, pink shirt, brown hair, braided with a ribbon. I knew what she would say, and I knew the response. "I know."

She didn't seem surprised, just held out an envelope and two sheets of folded paper. "These were in the drawer. One's addressed to you, and the other…" Deciding it was bes to say nothing, maybe, she turned and left.

Dear Axel.

If you're reading this, then I'm probably dead. It probably just happened, and you're sitting there wondering what the hell you'll do now.

Maybe not. Maybe I give myself too much credit.

I'm writing this to tell you what to do, because knowing you, it could take weeks.

I want you to stand up, walk out of the hospital, and get in your car. Go have an ice cream bar with the ten I put in the envelope. Think about me real hard during all this. Drive until you find somewhere you think you want to be. Then comes the hard part. Look at the pictures. Look until you think you'll break in half and go blind.

Then put them away, somewhere you don't look very often.

This next bit is even harder.

Forget about me. Don't think about anything I used to do, or anything I said. There's a future for you, somewhere, and it won't come looking for you. At least, the future you want won't.

Stay in that place a few days. Think about other stuff. Learn to play the piano, or knit, or something.

Come back home when you think you're ready. Park the car, go to your room, and sleep. Get up, go to class, talk to people. Make friends. Make plans. Remember to shower. Rinse. Repeat.

I know you'll do it. You'll do fine. I don't love quitters. And you know I love you. I'd say "always", but who knows what comes now.

I hope I see you again someday. Keep walking. Keep fighting.

Roxas

finis