Chapter 10: Always something
Today is going to be an extremely difficult day for me. The same way it has been hard this day every single month. The same way it has been every single day and minute of the last eight months. People always say that the more time that passes, the easier it will become to deal with the pain and loss. But I don't believe that for a second. I think the only people that can say that are the ones that have never felt that kind of pain for themselves. Because I still feel the same way that I felt eight months ago when I was told I would never see Finn again. Every time I think about it, I go right back to that moment. When the world seemed to just stop and I knew nothing would make sense again in my world. And no matter how much time passes by or all the distractions I have in my life...nothing will ever truly heal or fill this hole that will forever be inside of me. I guess I just keep hoping that one day I'm gonna wake up and feel at peace with everything that has happened. But every single day I feel like that is getting further away from ever happening. I don't know if I could really explain it, but it's like something is holding me back from letting go of Finn completely...from moving on with my life. I don't know if it is because of our son. The fact that every time I look into his gorgeous eyes, it takes me back to the last time I saw Finn's. Or maybe it's something else. Something deeper in my heart that I'll never truly be able to let go of. Finn was the love of my life. And nothing...not time or distance will ever make me get over or move on from him. I will forever be connected to him. I know that much, we do have a son together after all. But it almost feels like there is something more than that keeping me from peacefully moving forward. And I really wish that I could put my finger on it. Yet, I am almost positive it has so much to do with the fact that a piece of my soul is just gone. Something that can and will never heal.
I think that being here in New York with Kurt, Santana, and Blaine is really going to help me this month. Every month that has passed by, I've been surrounded by people who loved and admired all that Finn was. I love being with his mother because I don't think that anyone can truly understand the amount of pain that I feel, the way that she can. Yet, I don't know why but I felt the overwhelming feeling to have a change of scenery this time. To be with my friends to help cope with yet another month without Finn in our lives. There is something about being back in New York that is making me feel even closer to him. I don't know what it is. Maybe the fact that he died here. Maybe it's because this was my home when I lost him. Maybe it's something else entirely. But what I do know is that I'm gonna make it through. I'm gonna be the strongest mother I can be to Finn. I need to today and every day remind him of who his father was. And even though he doesn't understand and he won't remember...I still feel the need to talk about his father. To tell him who he was...who he could have been. To remind him that he has this amazing soul inside him. Because he is one half of a really incredible man. And I know that one day when the pain is nearly gone, I'm going to be okay. Because even now I'm able to look at him and know that something great came out of all this tragedy. I know one day he's going to honor Finn. He's going to remember who his father was. One day he is going to be his own Finn. I can feel it deep in my heart. And somehow...it makes me feel happy in some way today. To know that this little boy lying in my arms right now is what keeps me alive...and will always keep his father alive in all of our lives.
"Good Morning, Rachel. Baby Finn." Blaine says as we walk out of the bedroom into the living room.
"Good morning guys. Hope we weren't a disturbance to you guys last night."
"Not at all. I actually didn't hear the little guy at all." Kurt chimes in.
"Yeah, I made sure he knew the importance of keeping his voice down. He's not always so good about it."
"Well, we wouldn't have minded either way."
"Well well, Rachel Berry graces us with her presence again, does she?" Santana says from behind me, taking me by surprise.
"Santana! It's so good to see you too." I say, walking over and hugging her. "Sorry, we missed you last night. It was just a long day and we really needed some sleep."
"Yeah, I was kind of sad about not being able to see little Finn. But since you did have a long trip from Ohio, you are forgiven. Well, hello there Finn. You are looking more and more like your daddy everyday. Can I hold him?"
"Yeah, of course. There you go Finn. Go see your Aunt Santana." I tell my son in my arms, handing him over to her.
"He's getting so big already, Rach. I can't believe he's only two months old."
"I know, time is flying by already. So, I'm really trying to embrace every minute with him because I know one day I'm gonna turn around and he'll be grown."
"Hopefully not too soon. So, how are you today anyway?" Blaine asks me.
"I'm okay, I guess. It's weird...you know the more time that passes the easier it's supposed to be. But I still feel like it happened yesterday. You know, and that's crazy. Because so much has changed since he's been gone. So much time has passed...life has changed forever. But in some way it feels like he hasn't been gone any time at all."
"I know what mean. It still feels like a bad dream sometimes. I wake up and things seem totally normal. Like I didn't lose my brother. He's going to pick up the phone. He's going to be here. But then he's not...and I have to deal with reality all over again." Kurt says with the same sadness he has had in his eyes for the last eight months.
"I'm sitting here looking at this beautiful little boy and it's like he's right back with us again." Santana tells us. "You know, it's like he's here with us right now. I don't know if I can explain or that it's because I'm holding his son...but I feel like Finn's closer than ever today."
"Me too. I think for the first time in eight months, I feel his love and protection and presence all at the same time. Maybe it's because we're all here together. Maybe he's wherever his son is. Maybe it's something else. But I don't feel the same sadness I have in the past eight months. I'm sure that doesn't make any sense, though." I ask them.
"Yeah, it makes sense. We can feel it too. I think he'll always be wherever you and his son are. You are the two most important parts of his life. Even if he never knew Finn...he's a part of him. And he'll protect you both forever." Blaine tells me.
"Thank you, guys. I really do appreciate you guys. For being here for me and Finn. For letting us come and disrupt your lives and stay in your apartment. Just for everything."
"There will never be a day that we won't be here, Rachel. You're family. Both of you are. And that is forever, okay?"
"Thanks, Kurt. Do you guys think you'd mind watching Finn for a little while? I just feel like I need to take a walk. It's been a while since I've been in the city and I could really use some fresh air. Just to think for a minute."
"Yeah of course. We'd be more than happy to spend time with the little guy. Go ahead, do whatever you need to do. We got him." Blaine assures me.
"Thank you so much. I'll be back soon. Be good while I'm gone, sweet boy." I say to my son, kissing the top of his head. "Mommy will be back soon. I love you. Thanks again." I say, grabbing my jacket and heading out the door onto the New York street again.
As I walked down the street the tears came flooding down my face for the first time today. I'm sure it won't be for the last time. But I am glad that I was able to stay strong for as long as I had. I don't know why I even feel like I have to. I mean there is a home full of people back at that loft that love and miss Finn just as much as I do. There are even more people back home that are going to be grieving today too. The same way we do every month that this day comes along. Lately I've found myself wondering if that will ever stop. Will there ever come a time when this date passes by and I don't breakdown? Will there be a time when I feel a sense of peace on the anniversary of Finn's death? I've had a really hard time believing that will ever happen. But I honestly hope that one day it does. I hope that one day I can remember all that Finn was without it completely destroying my world for the next few weeks. That is exactly what has happened every month since I lost him. Even with our son by my side now, I still feel this overwhelming pain in my heart. I don't think that will ever change. I know that I'll never get over it. I guess I just hope that eventually I get used to it. Used to his absence. Used to this missing part of my soul. But I'm afraid that it's never going to happen that way. I just have a bad feeling that one day I'm gonna wake up and not be the mother I have to be to Finn. That I'm gonna be so lost in my grief over his father that I can't be who I need to be to him. And that scares me because that is the last thing I ever want him witness. I never want him to know the pain I feel when I look at his beautiful face. Because he has no control over the fact that he looks just like his father. He'll never know him but people are going to have expectations of him to be just like Finn. I just hope that doesn't end up breaking him in the end because I think that would kill me. I guess I have to just take it one day at time. But I just really hope that as the months and years pass by...things get better. That I get to a place where I can smile and remember what Finn and I had. And just be happy that it happened at all, knowing that I have some really incredible memories to hold onto forever.
"Rachel?" A voice says from behind me, taking me out of my thoughts.
"Brody."
"It's been a while, Rachel."
"Yeah, you could say that. I've just had some stuff going on."
"You know, just the other day I heard people talking about you. And at first I thought people were just gossiping because...well it is college. But then I started to think that I haven't seen you around school in a really long time."
"Yeah, that's because I don't go to NYADA anymore."
"Really? Why is that?"
"Well, not that is any of your business but it has been a difficult few months. And my priorities are better spend elsewhere at the moment."
"Yeah, I heard about Finn. Tough break."
"I can see you need for sensitivity hasn't changed in the slightest. How did I not see earlier what ass you truly are?"
"Sorry. It's not really my job to be the most sensitive guy in the world."
"That's the understatement of the century."
"That was until I heard this nasty rumor about you the other day."
"And that would be what exactly?"
"People were saying that you had a baby." He says and I stay silent, not shocked that people would be talking about it. "And by your silence I take it that it must be true."
"Yeah, it's true. I have a little boy now."
"And why didn't you tell me?"
"Excuse me? Why would I have to tell you anything about me or my baby?"
"Because if memory serves correctly...you and I were together when that baby was created. How could you not tell me you were pregnant?"
"You don't think my son is yours, do you?"
"Well, he has to be."
"No he doesn't. And I'm pretty sure you know that much. Considering you kind of threw the fact in my face when we broke up. You are not my baby's father...Finn is."
"Finn? Of course. That guy got everything, didn't he? The girl...a family."
"Except he didn't. He's dead. And the only thing I have left is our son. And I can't tell you how grateful I am for that fact. And just so you know, there was no one else I ever would've had a baby with. Finn was the love of my life. And nothing can ever change that."
"Except that he's dead."
"Yeah, he is. But I have his son for the rest of my life. And if I can't have Finn...at least I have something to hold on to. I have a purpose in this world now. something I didn't think was going to be possible after I lost Finn."
"But you gave up everything this city could offer...your career."
"None of that matters anymore. It's not important in the big scheme of life...family is. I really hope that one day you realize that for yourself. Because the person I see standing in front of me is a broken piece of a man. Someone I think could have the ability to be an amazing person. Too bad your arrogance and your ego takes over everything. I hope you have a good life, Brody. I know I am." I tell that jerk, and walk away.
As I walked down the street, the tears ran down my face again. Every memory I ever had with Finn, replaying in my mind. Thinking about everything that I put him through last year. The time I wasted trying to make him jealous with that jackass, Brody. It really makes me even sadder the more I think about it now. As I walk into Central Park, I think back to the times we were here together. Standing on Bow Bridge together...sitting and watching the families be together. It was something that we did this one time and I can't shake the thought that it could have been us. Here with our son enjoying a beautiful afternoon, having a picnic on the grass. Being a real family. But I know that can't be reality. I know I have to live in the now. And as scary as the future sounds, it's what I have to focus on now. I walked back toward the loft, realizing more and more how much I needed my family right now. And that's what I need to rely on to get through these tough days. It will help us all to find the strength that isn't always present.
"Rachel..." Kurt says, his voice cracking as I walk through the door. "Where have you been? Why didn't you answer your phone?"
"Sorry, I didn't hear it. Is something wrong?"
"Yeah. It is."
"What? What's going on? I can't take any more bad news from you. But you have that same look in your eyes as when you told me Finn died. So, what's wrong? Has something happened?"
"I pray I never have to deliver news like that ever again."
"Okay, so what is it then? Just tell me."
"Rachel you need to sit down."
"Okay, now you're scaring me. Just tell me what's wrong, Kurt."
"It's about Finn..."