Dear Voldemort,
I think Snape might be dead. I've poked him with a stick and he isn't moving.
I told him to not fight Billy Bob Unicycle the Goldfish but you know Snape he's stubborn Gremlin. In other news, I demand you get a Death Eater named Blueberries Glitter. This would make me very happy.
Hermione was kidnapped by pirates or were they mermaids, I don't know anyway Luna rescued her and I'm glad.
Harry- Yay Blueberries Glitter- Potter
Dear Dumbles,
Snape is dead. An elephant is loose in Hogwarts somewhere.
Harry
Potter, Stop telling people I'm dead.
I swear to Merlin I'll throttle you before the dark lord has a chance to get his hands on you.
Professor Snape
Dear Snape or the imposter pretending to be Snape,
Snape is dead and you're really mean. Harry, You Are Mean, Potter
Dear Padfoot,
Snape threatened to kill me, chop me up and feed me to a hippo who do I complain to about this?
Ron and Hermione say hello. They are currently fighting vultures in the Great Hall. Neville bit Umbridge yesterday and Luna threw a stick at her today, it was brilliant.
The tomatoes continue to grow lovely. However, the same cannot be said for the broccoli. I swear it's the last time I trust a pixie.
Your Awesome Godson Zebra Cheese
P.S I legally changed my name to Zebra Cheese