BAJA

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to today's special edition of Art at Sea! To start us off, we have here the rare chance to own a true masterpiece. Cast in bronze, l'Uomo is one of the finest examples of modern, contemporary realism. Originally crafted as a reminder and gift for his beloved, this work was largely unknown until…

"Oh, my God... Bella, do you… see it?"

"Holy shit..."

"Shhh! Will you two stop staring at it?! And for God's sake, stop giggling like you're 12."

"Oh, stop it... Like you're not?"

"No, as a matter of fact, I'm not staring… Little B, don't let like my wife fool you- Mmph! Damn it, woman!"

"You deserved that... and slide over, you're squishing me."

"Fine, I don't want to sit next to you anyway... Anyway, like I was saying, I'd never be so crude. I am an art connoisseur. I'm merely studying the artwork, thank you very much."

"Oh, come on, Em, that's some bullshit and you know it."

"Is not!"

"Pshht! You wouldn't know a Brâncusi from your own ass, let alone anything this obscure... Hell, you had monster truck posters on your walls all the way through college."

"Shut up, Eddie. Mom gave me those."

"Right. Seriously, Bella, just ignore Emmett. I always do."

"Ugh, Rose, baby, can you please stop staring at that statue's cock. I'm getting a complex here."

"But it's so… hard."

"And big."

"Seriously? You too? Traitor!"

"I can't help it, Eddie. I mean, look at it."

"It's a statue, Bella. And as a doctor, I'm telling you it's not proportionate. So don't get any ideas, okay."

"You got that right. I don't think they… come that big."

"Oh, they come all right."

"Rose!"

"What? I'm just saying…"

"That's it, we're leaving. I'm locking you in the cabin until the cruise is over. I don't care how bored you are or how many days we're stuck on this boat."

"Aw, don't pout, Emmy-bear. You know a statue could never replace you. Or your… ahem, member."

"Humph!"

"Okay, this officially just got weird."

"By weird, you mean gross. Rosalie, please don't ever talk about my brother's dick in front of me again. Ever."

"Oh, don't be such a prude, Dr. Cullen."

"Whatever. It's bad enough that I have to hear you two go at it all night in the cabin next door."

"Pfft. It's not like you've actually been in your cabin lately anyway…"

"Rose, baby, hot damn, will you look at that… is that a blush I see? Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, what have you been up to?"

"Oh, shut up. And don't you dare say a word, Rosalie-oh, oh, oh, my God, Emmy-bear!–Cullen."

"She calls him Emmy-bear during sex? You're kidding."

"Ye–"

"No, wait, I really don't want to know. Edward, I can't believe I let you talk me into hanging out with them. I'm going back to my room now… to maybe throw up off my balcony."

"God, you two prudes were made for each other. I mean, that's nothing. You wouldn't believe what goes on in the cabin next to ours. Carlisle and Esme are–"

"La-la-la-la-la-la-la!"

"No-no-no-no-no!"

"God, stop being such babies! It's nice that your parents are still active and so… athletic about it."

"Nooo! Edward, shut her up!"

"Hey, you're the one who married her. Why do you think I left town?!"

"But I didn't know she was like this! I was fooled! Fooled I tell you! Mmph! Ow! Why'd you hit me this time?!"

"You deserved it. Don't be a butthole, butthole. Unless you want to go sleep in your mom's room and witness those gymnastics first-hand."

"Aw, baby, you know I didn't mean it. You were just being–Mmph! Ow! Okay, fine! Let's go get you another glass of champagne."

"Make it two and you're forgiven."

"Anything for you, baby. We'll be back in a minute. Don't do anything too bad while we're gone, okay?"

"Edward, did your sister-in-law just call your brother a butthole? I don't think I've called anyone that since middle school."

"Yeah, Rosalie gets like this when she's had too much to drink. I call it Champagne Regression."

"Just how much has she had?!"

"I think they started just after lunch. They were already pretty plastered when we got here. She'll be hilarious by the time the velvet paintings roll through."

"Right… Hold on, there really are velvet paintings? I don't believe you."

"Are too. And there's always some of your favorite Thomas Kincaid in these things, too. I'm buying you one for your bedroom at home, so be prepared."

"You realize that when you wag your eyebrows it gives you away, right?"

"Does not."

"Does too."

"Well, maybe I just like flirting with you."

"That's what you're calling it?"

"If you'd prefer, I could pull your hair. Or pop your bra."

"What if I'm not wearing one?"

"Shit… I'm going to need some proof of that."

"I'll show you proof."

"Oh, please, please do. I look forward to it."

"You're terrible, you know that, right?"

"But you like me."

"Maybe…"

"Maybe, Bella? Maybe? What about when I do this?"

"Wha– Mmm…"

"I thought so. You like me a lot."

"Wait, stop that! Not in front of your family!"

"Come on, I'm not doing anything obscene. And it's not like they don't know we've been spending… pretty much every waking minute together."

"But…"

"Plus, they're over at the bar, so they're not even paying attention. Hell, they're both so drunk they can barely stand. Just wait, Em'll probably buy something hideous. He does that when he's bored and drinking."

"You don't know... You're not even looking…"

"Who cares if they are. I can't keep my hands off of you. I don't want to."

"God… up a little higher. My shoulders are killing me… And I don't want you to either."

"Don't want me to what?"

"You know."

"No, I don't. I'm going to need you to tell me exactly what you mean."

"Ugh… Fine. I don't want you to keep your hands off me."

"So… does that mean I get to see that proof… when we're alone?"

"Um… shit."

"I'll take that as a yes."

"Okay, yes. Can we go… now? I don't think I can handle much more of this."

"Thank God. Your room or mine?"