A Beat in My Heart
Author: Jadeblueafterglow17
Disclaimers: Paramount's & Gene R's creations...my favorite characters...my twisted delusional tortured plots.
Author's note: WesleyTorture warning and angst warning extended through the end of this chapter. If you are crying and screaming at the screen..."don't kill him"...then I met my objective for this story. I scream with you! Thank you! Thank you for your reviews. I am a pitiful person I know, but I write for feedback...I want to know what you think. Those of you who got a sneak peek at this chapter...I changed it up...so please re-read and review : )
By the way...Jen. Your wish is granted in this chapter, but sorry, I don't write Bev/Picard fics, there are plenty of great writers like Mabb5, Princepen, and Jordan Trevor to do that. I write Wesley Crusher fanfiction.
As for everyone else you wonderful people , hang on...there's always a twist and you'll get your happy ending. :-)
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Chapter 10 - Waiting to Exhale
2345hrs
Beverly had them beamed back aboard the Enterprise into her quarters. Wesley managed to crawl into the bed he once occupied before he was given his own quarters as he sighed contentedly.
"It's been almost a year since you've been in here." she smiled. He had gotten his own quarters after she'd assaulted him after being under the influence of a parasite. She paled as she suddenly remembered why he was no longer her tenant. Seeing the look of panic on her face he reached out for her hand.
"Mom, let it go." he said simply, closing his eyes and clutching the pillow beneath him. She took a deep breath and pushed the thoughts from her mind and concentrated on getting him comfortable.
She removed his shirt and pants and made sure his blanket was warm around him as he shivered with tremors as an after effect of the strong medication.
She'd given him something for the pain, and held onto his hand.
"There love." She kissed his forehead and felt the excessive heat on her lips. "Can I get you something to drink, maybe one of those old fashioned popsicles you like so much?" Wesley did not respond.
As she stared at him, she saw something she never expected to see. Wesley opened his eyes and looked at her, his chocolate brown eyes filled to the brim with unshed tears; she saw defeat.
"Wes?"
With all the remaining strength he had he squeezed her hand.
"I don't want to die...mom." his shuddering voice said. She had seen him be so strong, so fearless, but here he was, here she'd found him again, that scared little boy who was seeking comfort, in words and in deeds...and she had nothing she could give him. She stared at his young face, his eyes still full of sadness, and shedding tears.
She felt herself fall apart...her resolve was broken as she cried un-mercilessly. She laid her head on his chest and they both cried. His warm arm on her back as she couldn't stop the onslaught...she couldn't fix this...she couldn't make him "all better."
"I don't want you to die! I'm so sorry Wes, I wish it was me...I can't lose my baby...I can't..." she wailed crying onto his chest feeling the beat of his heart beneath her.
The transfusion and treatment for his lungs had made it easier to breathe but his breath still came in hitches as he was faced with the crippling fear of leaving this world forever, and his mother all alone.
They stayed that way until exhaustion claimed them and their cries were silenced.
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Captain's Quarters
Jean Luc Picard stared at the computer terminal from his lounge chair in his quarters. it was late and he still found himself unable to sleep. He desperately wanted to be somewhere else...but did not want to intrude.
A beeping sound dragged him from his thoughts. A message came over Starfleet wire for Picard: He opened the first message and received his new orders to ship out to the Arus Cluster in 7 days. He was sure he would not be able to follow those orders, he had no idea where he would be or how his crew would be in the next seven days.
The next lines caused him to sigh deeply, but his heart swelled with pride as his eyes filled with pools of tears.
"Crusher, Wesley R. has passed the written and oral portions of the Starfleet entrance exam and a slot has opened up at Starfleet Academy. Crusher should report to Starfleet Academy in 2 weeks."
He'd taken the test last month. Picard remembered how nervous Wesley had been when they stopped at Betazed so he could take the oral test, but he knew that he would pass with flying colors. Unfortunately, Wesley had been so wrapped up in Commander Riker and Counselor Troi's rescue mission that he'd missed the transport ship to the academy. It was then that Picard had given him his field commission status of Ensign.
In a separate message his request to give a list of ship board field commissions had been approved. Among them ...Crusher, Wesley...granted full status as Ensign based on his academic credit and his exemplary three year history as an officer aboard the Enterprise D. He would no longer be a field Ensign, or Acting Ensign...in the eyes of Starfleet he was an officer, just like his father. It would be the last gift he could give him. He would tell him first thing in the morning...tonight he knew the young man needed his rest.
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Crusher Quarters
It was a quarter to 2 and there was no light in the room except the lamp beside Wesley's table. The only sound that could be heard was sound of his body struggling to catch his breath from his constant talking and the occasional moans or mumbles. She had placed monitoring equipment back on his chest and hand to alert her to changes in his conditions if she should fall asleep. But there would be no sleep tonight.
Beverly struggled desperately to keep Wesley still. He was so restless and his fever had spiked again. The antipyretics were having no effect.
"Mom, I have work I have to do...I have to get up... have to go..." He tried desperately to get up. The stasis field had become necessary. His fevers still continued to cause horrible terrors that sent him thrashing about. He'd been dreaming of Bulgarian rats biting at him, probably as a result of the stinging pain of the virus attacking every nerve fiber in his body.
"...have to ...re cal...recal...warp in ducers..." he stammered struggling to catch his breath.
"No, Wes...you did it...you did it already you finished it okay, you did it all...you can rest." she said wiping a cool alcohol soaked cloth across his head and neck.
The pain and sickness was all consuming. It had reached his amazing brain and was robbing him of his sanity.
"Mom, where's dad, why isn't he here yet?" his coarse voice whispered.
"Sweetheart he's gone..."
"No, he said he'd be here...he said he'd come ...he said ..." he trailed off as his eyes grew weary and they closed tightly with the pain. His eyes rolled back and his teeth clenched tightly. He was having another seizure, and his face was covered in perspiration. His shirt was soaked and he was still fighting. What seemed like forever only lasted for more than a minute, the tremor stopped and his body stilled as his eyes closed for a long time. His breath still coming in quick bursts.
Beverly continued to bathe him as tears streamed down her exhausted face. She laid her head on his shoulder.
He'd been seeing Jack in his dreams. Her late husband was beckoning her son away from her.
"Tired..." he rasped.
"Rest...sweetheart...It's okay."
"Love ...mom."
"I love you too Wesley..."
Beverly took another hypospray applied it to its highest setting and injected it into his neck. He cringed at first but then all that could be heard was the slow gasping as his thickening blood continued its assault on his heart and lungs. It was moving too fast. She knew from the symptoms he was experiencing he may very soon lose the ability to talk or recognize her as the disease eventually took over his brain ending its brilliance.
"I love you sweetheart...I love you so much." He breathed in and he held on to her tightly clutched hand.
He wasn't looking at her but he was talking. He was staring straight up in his line of sight.
'Who was he talking to?' she thought.
"What did you say Wesley?"
Wesley's lips continued to move but no words came from his mouth, a small smile came to his lips, as his eyes fell on his mothers one last time and he stared at her memorizing every detail of her face. The light slowly left his brown eyes as their lids fluttered closed. He let the air out of his lungs in a slow painless exhale. Calmly...and swiftly Death took him, his pain and fear now gone.
Time suddenly stopped. Beverly waited...and waited ...but he did not inhale again, his chest did not move, his eyes did not open. She felt his hand lose its grip in hers. She frantically grabbed at his wrist and felt desperately for a pulse...but his once racing heartbeat could not be found. She placed two shaking fingers to his neck and felt a few thumps every few seconds ...
"Thump...thump...thump...thump...thump..." and then nothing more. She glanced at the pulseoximeter machine which relayed the same information. His heart was not beating...his respirations had ceased.
"Wesley?" she cried tapping his face.
"WESLEY!" her soul screamed as she gathered him into her arms, "No, God, Wesley please don't leave me please no..." she cried cradling him in her arms.
"Wesley, I love you so much...I love you baby, please...it's not time...I need more time..." her whole body shook as tears fell into his hair. His limp body lay in her arms. She rocked him back and forth continuing her mantra.
She could call someone, shock his heart back into rhythm, but she wouldn't, she couldn't bear to bring him back to this world of suffering. So she did the only thing she knew to do; she held him. Her cries came in wails at first and then simmered down to sobs. Eventually his warm body grew cooler, her arms ached from holding his dead weight in place but she refused to let him go.
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Counselor's Quarters
Counselor Deanna Troi sat up quickly in her bed, her face covered in tears. She'd felt a soul scream out in terror and one that let go in peace. She pulled her knees in towards her and laid her head on them and wept. She could sense Beverly and she could feel the loss of Wesley, it was like a stab to her own heart. She cried for her friend, because there was no way one person, one soul could deal with so much loss. She remembered how she felt when she'd lost her own son. Although she'd only had him for a very short time, she felt the loss was unbearable. She knew Beverly may not survive the loss of her son. She would have to go to her.
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Quarters of Captain Jean Luc Picard
A quarter past 2 a.m.
The alarm had gone off as he sat in his chair. Unable to sleep he'd been reading since he returned to the ship. He was unaware that he'd dozed off in the chair as he glanced at the time. He stood up and quickly walked over to his computer.
Picard stared, stunned - at the screen before him. The screen laid out the information in clear English but he couldn't for the life of him believe what he was reading.
"Medical Alert - 0202 hours Ensign Wesley Robert Crusher expired."
He shook his head in dismay.
"Expired, he did not expire...he was stolen." he yelled. "He was too young...it was not his time. He was supposed to have more time!" He angrily shoved the computer off of his desk shattering it to pieces. Yet another Crusher had died under his command. His *son* had died.
He fell back down into his chair...his head falling into his hands. He would have to go to Beverly soon...but he'd have to pull himself together first.
Hating to relinquish the warmth of his body next to hers she gently laid him back down on the bed, and out of habit checked his pulse again, and felt more tears flood from her eyes as confirmation stabbed her once again in the heart. He was gone, her son,...her baby was gone forever.
She pulled the covers off of his body gently removing the IV fluids kissing the places where his skin had bruised. She detached the sensors and looked over at the computers screen. It showed that his brain activity ceased mere minutes after his heart stopped beating, and his time of death was 2:02 a.m. She pulled his red Ensign's uniform out of the closet, cut off his shirt and pulled off his pajama pants.
His limbs were getting cooler...soon she knew they'd be stiff from lack of blood flow. She slid on his black socks and trousers and raised him up to put on his red Ensigns tunic. She brushed the hair back from his head with feather light touches.
She laid him back down on his bed and placed his arms across his chest. In his hand she placed Jack's St. Christopher medallion and she kissed his forehead. Taking a long look at him, she suddenly realized how beautiful he was, not just handsome but a beautiful soul. He had a light about him that was still left in his body even though he was gone. His hair had grown to a good length , a few auburn and chestnut brown tendrils hanging over his forehead which framed his face just right. His eyebrows framed around the curves of his occipital bones in a perfect arc. Dark lashes lay on high cheekbones, and his strong jaw line revealed the complete oval shape of his face evident of his Terran roots. There was even a glimpse of peace that had settled upon his features. Had she not known better she would have been assured he was simply asleep. She pulled the worn wool blanket that Wesley had slept under for years up to his neck and lay down beside him, her hand over his heart.
She wasn't surprised when the doors to her quarters swooshed open for the second time.
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Ten Forward
0300 hrs.
"Remember when he accidentally programmed the ships computer to recognize even the slightest sign of fire. So when a flame from Deanna's desert was turned on the fire alarm went on and soaked her in her quarters...then woke up the entire ship during gamma shift."
"Oh that was so horrifying to wake up to that alarm! I wanted to strangle that kid!"Guinan echoed.
"It would have been less upsetting to just wake up on fire." Geordi remarked as they laughed.
The laughter stopped as Riker spied Deanna from across the room.
Counselor Troi entered the doors and found herself drifting towards their table. Somehow she knew her friends would be there...they were all so worried, so afraid, she knew no one would sleep that night. Commander Riker, Worf, Geordi all stood up dressed in their civvies. Data wore his usual uniform.
It took a few moments before she could formulate the words she so dreaded saying. Staring at the faces of her friends she felt their emotion at just the sight of her. She knew she didn't have to say anything. A voice inside her screamed at her to say it...she didn't want it to be real. But it was real, she'd seen for herself when she felt Beverly's anguish and went to see her. She took a deep shuddering breath.
"Wesley...Wes is gone."
Guinan brought over another chair and Riker planted Deanna in his seat as they stammered back to their chairs. They sat in silence.
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She felt his eyes on her but refused to take her eyes away from her sons hands. They were still warm as she stroked a thumb back and forth across them . She felt the soft depression in the bed as he sat on the other side and laid a gentle hand on her son's head.
"Beverly, I... " he began, but she clutched Wesley tighter if that were possible and interrupted him.
"Jack." the single word sent a chill down his spine as she finally raised her eyes to meet his.
"He has him. Jack has our son now." she begrudgingly released him from her arms and lay him back on the bed. His features had softened and he looked, if possible, even younger than before.
Picard stood and walked over to her and pulled her into his arms. "I am so sorry I left you,...you have no idea how sorry...you should not have been alone"
A watery smile brightened her face as she dried her tears. "I wasn't alone. Wesley and I needed that time together, he needed me to be his mom and I wanted to be with my son. Deanna says she felt a presence on the ship that she couldn't explain, Jack was here, he came back for Wesley."
Picard knew Counselor Troi had abilities that went beyond the supernatural, but it still amazed him the kind of connections she could make to others both emotionally and spiritually. He was glad that she was able to bring Beverly some comfort when he could not.
He was trying to brace himself for the inevitable task he had to carry out. He loved this woman, and her son, but he had died of a contagious disease to which there was no cure. There was protocol to follow and studies that would need to be done. He couldn't bear the thought of Wesley being turned into a human guinea pig. He sighed deeply as he stared at the still frame of the young man and continued to stroke Beverly's hair. Before he could speak she looked up at him with sad blue eyes.
"I have called Starfleet Medical. They should be here shortly."
"So soon? Beverly are you sure?"
She squeezed his hand tightly as she took a longing glance at her son. "They'll need to perform an autopsy. His death was, sudden. He deteriorated too quickly, it wasn't just the virus."
"Was he in a lot of pain?"
"I exceeded the dosage, required. I made him as comfortable as I could. He begged me to fix this Jean Luc. He wanted me to find a cure for this so no one else dies from this. I am too late for my son, but I will honor his wishes. The autopsy is a start."
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Worf stood out beside the Crusher's door. As Beverly was led out by Picard his hand around her shuddering shoulders. Two men approached to return Wesley to Starfleet Medical.
"I am sorry for your loss Doctor."
"Thank you Lieutenant."
"Is there something you need Worf?" Picard asked.
"I...I am here for Wesley.."
"I don't understand."
Worf cleared his throat. "I understand your Christian and Jewish heritage doctor and that of your son, he spoke of it in great detail at times."
Beverly stared at him confused.
"According to Jewish customs, it is customary for a guardian to stay with the body after the spirit has been released. I intend to stay with Wesley until you have decided upon a proper burial for a warrior such as him. I owe him that."
"A warrior Lt. Worf?" Picard felt a rush of pride swell through him.
"He faced death admirably. It was a long, hard fought battle, but he was a warrior nonetheless." he continued.
Worf was as fierce in his beliefs as they come, but this sudden show of humanity for the sake of Wesley was unfathomable.
Beverly fell against Worf's chest and sobbed uncontrollably. Something in him told him he should do something as Klingons did not show emotions as humans did. He raised a hand to her back and held her for a few moments. Jean Luc, pulled her from his uncomfortable grasp and let Worf into the quarters as he and Beverly left. Worf walked in and stared at the still, pale frame lying in the bed. He walked over and gently opened Wesley's eyelids and spoke words in Klingon,
"reH Hegh yoHwI'pu''e'." he said fiercely. He then closed his eyes again and stood guard at his bedroom door as the two Starfleet Medical employees completed their task of preparing his body for transport.
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So...I could end it here...? Sorry! No Miracle Cures this time...you'll just have to be patient and read carefully...and please review!
(FYI: I dedicated this to my brother for a reason, the part of just moments before Wesley's death is how my mom described it to me when she was with my brother, I know it sounds morbid, but it has helped me tremendously to put this in writing. Thank you for reading.)
BTW: What did Worf say? You'll have to wait till the next chapter. Please Review...suggestions, flames, thoughts, concerns and ideas for new stories are always welcome. A Humor & Romance story is in the works "Switched" debuts at the conclusion of Chapter 14.