10 - Secrets
I feel as though I have been sitting next to this bed for years. I've lost track of how much time has passed. Kara comes every day, working her waterbending in an attempt to heal my father. Every day she makes progress on his physical wounds, but every session ends with her features contorting into a deep frown, as she is once again bested by whatever is occurring inside my father.
"I don't get it," she says again and again, "he should be waking up." I'm long past the time of responding to her, she is talking to herself. It's as if she has taken this upon herself as a crusade, how to heal Hiro Ogawa's "curse". All the while my father lies there, so small and lifeless, barely hanging on. I still don't know whether or not he can hear me, but it makes me feel better to talk to him.
Lee hasn't come back, and I haven't been able to leave my father's bedside to go looking for him. He made his choice; as painful as it is for me, it would be too selfish of me to go fighting for him. My father needs me. Mushi comes every morning with a steaming pot of jasmine tea, and few words. He was respectful enough not to ask what went on between Lee and I, but the first day he showed up I vented.
"Your nephew abandoned me," I snapped as soon as he walked in the door. I was so emotional that I no longer knew if I was sad or angry. "He abandoned me, Mushi. Why would he do something like that?"
Mushi gave me that same compassionate look, the one I had grown so accustomed to and drew me into a hug. "My nephew is a troubled young man," he said simply.
I was crying by that point, my body heaving with sobs for all I had lost and stood to lose. Mushi simply held me and let me cry. Hiccoughing I pulled back and stared at him. I said, "I needed him, I still need him. I thought he was going to be here for me; he didn't run when I told him I was an Ogawa, he ran because he thought he was dangerous to me. That's insane! Nothing that's happened has been his fault."
A dark look flickered across Mushi's face, quickly replaced by one of shock. "You're an Ogawa?" He repeated, his voice full of disbelief.
"Yes," I said impatiently, breaking away to pace around the room. "One of the last two remaining, likely to become the last. Daughter of Fei Ogawa, who won't wake up! Granddaughter of General Fei Ogawa, disgraced in the siege of Ba Sing Se. The first member of my family to ever be born a nonbender!" I scoffed then, "You want to talk about disgracing one's family…"
Through my whole tirade Mushi simply stared at me, his expression unreadable. When I finally finished ranting, my chest heaving and my head aching from all the tears I had cried, he was looking at me with compassion again. "Don't give up on your father, I'm sure he is a fighter, like you."
"He doesn't look like a fighter, Mushi. He looks defeated." I said in a small voice, sitting hard on my chair. Mushi came to sit next to me, pouring a small cup of jasmine tea.
"This will help," he told me kindly. And it did. We sat in silence together for the rest of the morning, neither of us needing to say anything, just waiting for my father to wake up. Or die.
Hela came the day after, alone. "They're too angry to come right now," she told me gently, referring to all her children who had chosen not to accompany her to visit me. Only the unborn child in her belly was present, and it didn't exactly have a choice.
"They hate me, don't they." I said tiredly, not asking. I didn't blame them, I lied, and if I were them I would hate me too.
Hela didn't answer immediately, she stared for a long moment at my father, or what remained of the man I once knew. "They don't hate you, they're hurt."
"And you?" I asked, glancing over to meet her gaze. I was expecting to find malice and disgust, but all I saw was pity. That was almost worse.
She sighed deeply then, "I'm here, aren't I? I won't ever hate you, Ayumi. I see you as one of my own. You've suffered something terrible, and the last thing you need right now is bitterness." She paused, reaching over to take my hand. "Besides, I understand why you did what you did, and I know you've been leaving me money, I just didn't know why until now."
"I'm sorry that I wasn't honest, that this is what it took for you to find out," I sniffled, gesturing to my father's lifeless form. I felt like crying but felt as if I had cried myself dry. "I'm so scared," I admitted in a small voice.
Hela smiled softly, giving my hand a gentle squeeze. "It's ok to be afraid."
She didn't stay long that day, but she came back a few times, promising that her children would eventually come along. Whenever they found they were ready to trust me again, or perhaps when their compassion overshadowed their hurt. I wasn't holding my breath and I'm still not. I don't know how long it's been, but know it's been long enough to assume they won't be coming. I've lost more than I thought.
"Don't let me lose you too," I whisper softly to my dad, taking his hand. I can touch him now, Kara has made enough progress on mending his charred skin that I won't do anymore damage to him. He looks better, still, he will have scars. Maybe one day we can talk about them, should he ever wake up. "I miss him," I tell him then. I had told him all about Lee in the quiet hours we'd spent together, me waiting for some sign that he was going to be ok. I told him how angry I was that he left me, but that at the same time I knew this was just his battered way. Then I would sit in silence, imagining what my father would say to me if he was awake, what wisdom he would impart. Perhaps he'd promise to find Lee and give him a hard time for breaking his daughter's heart, or perhaps he'd tell me to forgive him. I would be happy with any answer at this point, something more than the ragged rhythm of his breathing.
A soft tapping snaps me back to reality, and I look up to see Kara's head pop into the room. She offers an encouraging smile, and I barely manage one back.
"He's looking so much better," she observes, stepping quietly into the room, her piercing blue eyes focused on my father's still form.
"If only he would wake up," I mutter bitterly, before sighing tiredly. "I'm sorry, I know you're doing all you can do. It's him that needs to start fighting."
She keeps her eyes on my father as she sits next to me, bending water from her canteen. "He has been fighting, Ayumi. He's alive, isn't he?"
"Hardly," I say automatically. "I feel like it's just a shell of my father, that he's not in there anymore." I push my chair back as she begins to work her magic, the water glowing as it passes over my father. "I'm going for a walk," I tell her. I can't sit and watch her futile attempts any longer.
I leave the room and end up in the hallway, not having the motivation to walk any further. Defeated, I lean against the wall, sliding down to sit on the floor, resting my head on my knees. I sit there, not thinking about anything at all, my mind empty, until Kara comes back outside.
"I'll see you tomorrow, Ayumi," she says, telling me that their has been no change. She offers a hand, pulling me to my feet with a sympathetic smile. "Get some rest." With that she is gone, and I am left to wander back to my father's bedside, feeling utterly alone.
"It's just you and me," I tell him softly, gently patting his hand. It feels as if it is just me. I curl up in my chair, not letting go of his hand, suddenly overwhelmed by exhaustion. It takes moments for me to drift gently to sleep.
I open my eyes, I am still next to my father's bedside, but now we are not alone. My mother sits across from me, her hand pressed delicately to my father's forehead as she whispers something in his ear. She meets my gaze then, a warm smile spreading over the worry evident on her face.
"Ayumi," is all she says, her amber eyes filled with emotion. What those emotions are, I can't tell.
"Are you here to take him?" I ask her, my voice hard. I breathe as sigh of relief as she shakes her head, her dark hair swaying gently with the motion.
"It is not his time yet," she responds.
I stare at her, unsure of what to say. I can't help but feel angry with her, of all people. "Is this because of you?" I snap then, glaring at her. "Is this happening to him because of you? Because you're Fire Nation?" I've ignored that fact about my mother for so long. My father told me when I was young, although I had guessed it much sooner, her features gave her away. It was the unspoken secret in our family, the one thing I chose never to think about, especially with the war. They were never supposed to be together, earthbenders and firebenders never got along. Now here, in this dream I find I can't let go of that fact. "It was firebenders you know, firebenders like you that did this to him."
There is no anger or offense on her face, simply compassion. "Ayumi," she says gently, her voice full of motherly love. "I'm dead, how could I possibly have done this."
She's right, of course. I am just looking for someone to blame, even here in the dream world. "I'm sorry," I say then, feeling the same pulsing ache in the middle of my forehead.
"You have every right to be upset right now," she says softly. "I know that your and father and I together would not have made life easy for you if I was still alive, and that the truth of who I was still bothers you. But like it or not, I am a part of you, a part of your story. What happened to your father has nothing to do with that. He needs you to be strong, Ayumi. He is so weak right now, but he is fighting to hold on."
"I will always be here for him," I snapped, not able to let go of my anger. "Even when you aren't."
She smiles a sad smile, tears pricking her amber eyes as she presses her hand to my father's forehead again. "There was nothing I could have done to prevent my death, Ayumi, only yours."
I frown, confused. "What do you-?"
"Ayumi?" My father's weak voice cuts through my dream, jolting me awake. I blink rapidly, trying to clear my eyes in case I'm still dreaming. He's awake, his jade green eyes fixed on me, exhaustion evident on his face.
"Dad?" I dissolve into tears, rushing forwards to wrap him in a hug as gently as I can. He's still so fragile, and so much thinner than I remembered. "Are you really awake?"
"The pain is telling me I'm not dreaming," he chuckles, his voice muffled in my hair. I leap back as if scalded.
"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you," I say rushedly, tears pricking my eyes. "I just can't believe I'm really talking to you right now, and that you're talking back!"
He smiles a grim smile, "I would have been talking back a long time ago, now where's Lee, I believe he deserves a solid kick in the pants."
"You heard me?" My jaw drops, I'm stunned.
"Every word," he nods, frowning slightly. "I couldn't for the life of me wake up."
I think back to my dream, to whatever my mother did that resulted in him finally waking up. Thank you, I think then. To my father I say, "You did it. You're going to be ok."
A heavy look falls across his face as he struggles to sit up a bit, grimacing as his wounds pull. "I need to talk to you, Ayumi, I believe that's why I'm still here. I don't know how long I have."
"What do you mean?" My stomach falls heavily, panic setting in. "You just got back, I just got you back."
He looks at me for a long moment, his jade green eyes unreadable. "I'm dying," he says shortly, as simply as if he had just told me it was going to rain later today.
"What are you talking about?" I demand, shaking my head over and over, "You're getting better, Kara said you're getting better."
"She is prolonging the inevitable, Ayumi." He tells me, reaching for my hand. "Just like the healer that has been working on me for years, with no real progress."
My mind flashes to what Kara had said about my father's chi, that it had seemed something was stopping her from the inside. "You're sick."
He nods shortly, closing his jade green eyes. "As is the Ogawa way."
"What does that mean?" I shriek, suddenly unable to contain myself. "What is the Ogawa way? What are you sick with? What is wrong with you?"
His eyes remain closed as he sighs tiredly, "I don't know, Ayumi. None of us have known. All our family have ever known is that we die; those with Ogawa blood die."
I rip my hand back, paling. "Those with Ogawa blood?"
"Yes. No one has ever been able to determine what happens, only that our bodies rebel, it's as if our chi is poisoned, and it infects our bodies, deteriorating us." He sighs deeply, his eyes flicking open again. "It starts in the eyes. That is when we know we are sick."
Naomi's face flickers across my mind; the child that I knew and then the woman that she was intended to be, the same person with two different coloured eyes. "Naomi?" I ask then, beginning to understand.
"She was sick for a long time," he confirms. "Her eyes changed before you were born, you didn't know her as the grey-eyed, healthy little girl that she was."
Faces of all my family flashes before my eyes; Naomi, Uncle Fei, Grandpa, Dad… Familiar jade green eyes on each one. "Why jade?"
"I don't know. I wish I could tell you more, I wish I understood it myself," my father sighs helplessly, a frown creasing his brow. "I only know my body has been at war with itself for many years; before you came along, and even before I met your mother."
"Did she know?" I ask quietly. I find it hard to breathe, but yet, somehow deep in my heart I am not surprised. He nods shortly, not saying more than that. I realize then that in this whole conversation I haven't considered myself. "And me?"
He swallows hard, "What about you?"
"Am I sick too?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper. "Is my chi poisoning me? Should I expect to die anytime soon?"
It takes him a prolonged moment to answer, he stares at me with jade green eyes that make me angry to look at. When he finally speaks, his voice cracks. "You were." I sit quietly, willing him to continue, waiting for him to elaborate. "You weren't born with two different coloured eyes, Ayumi, that's your scar. Well, that and your arm. Your eye turned early, and your body began to deteriorate quickly. You lost the use of your arm just weeks after."
My mouth is dry as I ask, "What happened? Why am I not dead yet?"
His gaze shoots away from mine, as he quickly says, "You were a miracle, you overcame it."
"You're lying to me, why are you lying to me?" I demand, hurt that he would ever lie to me.
He meets my eyes then, a furious expression on his face. "You are a miracle, Ayumi. The first Ogawa to overcome the curse, to not be destroyed by your own body. Isn't that an answer enough?" He laughs bitterly, shaking his head. "Do you know how bitter your aunt and uncle were that you survived, with only a jade green eye and a lame arm to show for it? While their own little girl continued to suffer and eventually died? While Fei died? And my father died? While everyone died, but you?"
I open and close my mouth, unable to speak, stunned by his sudden outburst of fury. All I can do is sit there as he speaks.
"You need to just accept that you are here, and that you are healthy, and be thankful that when you pass on it will be because you have lived out your life, not that it was robbed from you by a curse. Not that you were poisoned and destroyed by your own body. You were given a gift, Ayumi, don't waste it by obsessing over the past."
"Why even tell me?" I whisper.
He sighs tiredly, the rage leaving his body and leaving him lying there looking as small as ever. "I didn't want to lie to you, if I am going to leave you, I want you to know why. I want you to be thankful for your own life in my absence," he explains.
"So you're going to die," I say, it's a statement and not a question.
"I'm an Ogawa, we always die. Some sooner than others, some young, some old like your grandfather. But we always die. It's our curse."
Neither of us speak for a moment, both simply studying each other, processing our conversation in our own way. It's my father who speaks first, inhaling shakily.
"There's so much I haven't told you, so many secrets. I have kept so many secrets. Not all are mine to tell." He says cryptically, squeezing his eyes shut tightly.
"My mother?" I ask.
His eyes flicker open again. "Yuna was a secret, yes. I told you about her when you were young, I assume you haven't forgotten about her. You look so much like her." I must have made a face because he adds, "Not exactly like her, it's in the little things; the shape of your eyes, your smile."
"You've never said that," I point out, smiling in spite of everything that is going on.
He chuckles, "We never spoke of her, it wasn't safe. We needed to keep the secret. It wasn't safe for you to be tied to her, not with…" He pauses, shaking his head. The determined expression on his face tells me that he won't finish his sentence, no matter how hard I press. His eyes flicker to the doorway then, his expression brightening.
I follow his gaze to see Mia and Kanto in the doorway, both looking like they are about to burst into tears, stunned and overjoyed. "Come in," I say brightly, "I'll let you say hello." I move away, watching as Mia embraces my father, both of them looking overcome by emotions then. I have kept so many secrets, his words flash across my brain then as I step from the room. Could he and Mia share a secret?
I wouldn't be angry if they did, I realize as I step from the room. My mother has been gone a long time, and Mia and my father knew each other even before then. I shake my head, letting out a huge sigh, stopping short. Codo is standing a bit down the hall, looking very much like he is trying to decide whether or not he wants to come closer or bolt. I stand there staring at him, meeting the anger that is so evident in his eyes.
"You're here," I say simply, stepping towards him and away from my father's door. He nods, staying silent as I come to rest in front of him. He looks older somehow, is that the anger? I can't tell.
"I wanted to make sure you're ok," he snaps. "And that drives me crazy, that no matter how angry I am at you and how much I want to hate you, I want to know you're ok."
I shrug helplessly, "I don't know what to tell you, Codo. I don't have an excuse to try and make you forgive me, an excuse for why I lied. You have every right to hate me, I pretended to be someone I'm not, you must feel like you don't know me at all."
He nods slowly, "Sometimes I feel like I don't, but then sometimes I feel like I know you're the exactly the same person, you just were living under a different name. It's very confusing."
"I don't blame you," I manage a small smile, "It makes me hopeful that you're even here."
"Me too," he sighs, nodding to my father's room. "How is he?"
I shake my head, still in awe. "He woke up, by some crazy miracle he is awake."
Codo's eyebrows shoot up his forehead, "Really?" He pauses, looking past me. "Where's Lee? Is he in there?"
I shake my head, cringing internally at the mention of Lee. "He… We broke things off," I say finally.
"Are you ok?"
I shrug, "I've been distracted, focusing on my dad."
Codo nods, "That makes sense."
"Would you like to meet my father?" I blurt out, suddenly wanting the men that are important to me to meet each other.
Codo smiles grimly, sighing. "I don't know if I'm ready for that, just yet. I'm still angry and if I'm going to meet the Hiro Ogawa I want to make a good impression."
For a second there it had felt that we were slipping back into our old ways, but Codo's guard has come back up. I hurt him, and he's still healing. "I understand," I say.
"I'm going to go now, just know that Crowe should be coming around soon, he's not mad at all, Cami and I just were not letting him go because we're angry."
I nod, smiling slightly. Sweet, innocent Crowe, always seeing the good in everyone no matter the wrong they do. "Thanks for the heads up."
"Take care of yourself, Ayumi," Codo says, turning and strolling out the way he had come. I stand there by myself, feeling entirely overwhelmed, but a little hopeful that my friends are going to come around.
I am drawn again to my father's words, his mention of secrets, and whatever he was lying to my about in regards to my own sickness. There is obviously so much he hasn't yet told me. I feel a rush of panic then, he's dying, and he's literally the only person left that can answer all my questions and unveil all the secrets surrounding me.
I turn on my heel and march back into his room, filled with a sudden rush of determination. "What wasn't safe about my mother?" I demand, not caring that I've disrupted their conversation. There is a moment of silence as all three of them stare at me, matching shocked expressions on their faces.
"Ayumi," my father says warningly, glancing between me and Mia.
"No," I say sharply, not caring that we have an audience. It's my history, and I don't care if they know. "I'm sick of all the secrets, I know you're keeping things from me. I don't care if they know."
Mia stands, coming to take my hands. "We know about your mother Mia, about where she came from. Your Fire Nation blood isn't a secret to us."
My jaw drops as I look back and forth between her and my father. "They know? Well then what's the big secret?"
My father clenches his jaw together, anger flashing across his gaunt face. "This is not the time, Ayumi."
"Why not!" I demand, wrenching my good hand back from Mia and coming to stand next to him. "What is so dangerous about my dead mother being Fire Nation? She's dead!"
My father erupts then, in a rage that I have never seen before, eyes wild. "Exactly! She's dead! And I have worked so hard all your life to keep you safe, and to keep you from suffering the same fate! Do you want to end up like your mother? To have your life ripped from you in a gruesome death? Because I don't want that for you! I have never wanted that for you! And she never wanted that for you either." He is breathing heavily at that point, his rage slowly transforming into exhaustion and sadness.
"Was she murdered?" I whisper, staring at him in horror. It is a fact I have never in all my life considered. His stony silence is answer enough. I glance at Mia, who has covered her mouth with her hand, tears pricking her eyes. Kanto is staring at me, concern written on his face. Neither of them look shocked. "You both knew…" I whisper, stepping back slowly. "Why didn't anyone tell me?"
"We were trying to protect you," Mia says gently then, her voice shaky. "That's all any of us were trying to do." She reaches for me but I recoil, stepping back towards the door.
I need to get out. I am sick of all the secrets then, secrets that everyone but me seems to be in on. Under their gazes I bolt from the room, running as fast as I can out into the evening air, my lame arm swinging uselessly at my side. My arm; one of the only proofs of the Ogawa family curse, yet another secret that I am only just discovering. I do not know where I am running, but I can't stop. If I stop I will have to face the secrets, and that might just make me lose my mind.