By the time we arrive back at Stark tower I am so tired I can barely stand and I feel as if the exhaustion is rolling off me in waves affecting everyone else too. I sigh as I grab at my bag stumbling, Nat leaping forward to steady me, Bucky and Steve both shouting but it is too late. I am plunged into her past and this time I am sick, collapsing to the floor and writhing in pain before blackness takes me.
"What the fuck happened to Mirage?" I can hear Tony's voice and I struggle to open my own even as Steve answers for me.
"Just after we found Buck, she tried to comfort him and she started seeing things," he explains lamely, I almost want to laugh at the look on Tony's face.
"It's been going on way longer than that," I say hoarsely pushing myself to a sitting position and they all round on my instantly.
"Kid, you are determined to scare the shit out of me all the time aren't you?" Tony says and I smile weakly at him, "now explain," he says and they all stand waiting for my explanation.
"Ever since the explosion at my flat I guess, maybe before I'm not sure, I guess I've always had feelings about things but the last few months I've been having these dreams and visions and they've been getting stronger and stronger and then last night when I touched their skin I saw everything, their whole pasts, I… felt, everything. The same with Nat," I finish and for a second I think he is listening until Tony rounds on Bucky.
"You," he snarls and I suddenly realise what is happening he has found out that Bucky killed his parents and he was going to kill him. I needed to stop this, my little episode may have distracted him for a second but… wait a minute, maybe if I could see things I could project them, show him how much pain it caused Bucky to do those things make him see it wasn't him and so with a scream of effort and pain I jump up before anyone can stop me and push myself in front of Bucky placing my hands on either side of Tony's face and pushing everything I had seen about Bucky into his head at the same time as receiving everything from Tony at the same time. I can hear that I am screaming, hear the yells of the others around me, feel the wet liquid dripping down my face from my nose and my ears only realising as I let go that it is blood. My legs have long since lost the ability to hold me up, and from my position on the floor, darkness quickly encroaching on me I am manage to look into Tony's shocked face.
"It wasn't him Tony, he didn't… please… don't hurt him," I whisper before I let the darkness take me completely.
"You're stupid kid," is the first thing I hear as I come round and open my eyes to see Tony staring at me, a pained expression on his face.
"Did you…?" I can't bring myself to finish the question and he sighs heavily as he sits beside me,
"How could I after what you showed me? We had a chat, water under the bridge, like you said it wasn't him, fixed his arm though," he smiles and I smile too.
"You're the best Tony," I murmur,
"I know kid, I know, now let's get you fixed before I have two super soldiers out for my blood," he jokes but I merely wince a bit and turn away.
"What is wrong with me?" I ask after a moment not really sure if I want to know the answer or not.
"We've run some tests and hacked your files, Shield have had their eye on you for a long time," he sighs.
"She in danger?" a voice asks from the doorway and I look over to see Steve and Bucky standing there, Nat and Clint filing in behind them, great a whole bloody audience, Tony looks to me and I sigh before finally nodding my head, they were all going to find out sooner or later.
"What do you remember about your childhood Addi?" Tony asks after a minute and the way he asks me makes me feel a little sick.
"My parents and my sister died when I was fifteen, in a car crash," I start and as he hangs his head I tense.
"Hydra killed them," I guess and he nods,
"Yes, when you were much younger, they took you, experimented on you, erased the memories and then released you, we're not sure why but Shield have been monitoring you ever since, coming to us seems to have set your powers into motion," he says and I can feel the tension in the room as I gaze around at the others, seeing the pain and the pity in their eyes, they all knew what it was like to some extent at least to be controlled and experimented on and tortured, at least I was in good company I guess.
"Okay," I say eventually, proud of the steadiness in my voice as I speak, "will I ever be able to touch anyone again?" I ask now feeling the others tense even more and part of me loves them even more for caring this much about me.
"I'm hoping that the visions only happen the first time you touch somebody and after that they will only appear if you want them too or you become really stressed by something but there's only one way to find out," he replies and I sigh again.
"I have to touch someone again," I answer for him and he nods as I move to try and sit up a little.
"But… you should probably rest a bit first you are weak already, kid," he continues but I shake my head insistently.
"No, I have to know or I'll never be able to rest," I say making eye contact with Steve nodding at him a tiny bit and he steps forward until he is standing next to me.
"Are you sure sweetheart?" he asks quietly and I nod, unable to stop the shaking in my fingers as I reach for his hand, that he held steadily out to me. Tentatively I touch my fingers to his and wait for the visions to engulf me, only they don't, and I choke out a sob as I almost throw myself into his arms.
"Oh thank God," I cry my head cradled firmly in the crook of his neck as he holds me tightly.
"Can I take her back to our apartment?" he asks.
"Yeah, she needs rest, we'll have to monitor her closely though her powers could still be growing," Tony answers and I can feel Steve nod as he lifts me into him and begins to move,
"Come on Buck," he adds and then we are in the lift and our apartment and my bedroom and he has put me into bed and kissed my forehead and told me to rest.
"Please don't leave me," I whimper as he moves to leave,
"I was just going to get you some water," he answers but I shake my head feeling tears welling in my eyes and he sighs, his fingers carding through my hair as he shifts closer to me.
"I'll get it," Bucky speaks up from the doorway and disappears for a moment and in that time I even out my breathing and pretend to be asleep, I'm not entirely sure why I do it, or what I hoped to gain other than more heartache, maybe I'm just a gluten for punishment.
"Here," Bucky starts but I can hear Steve shushing him as he approaches.
"She's asleep," he whispers and I hear Bucky put the glass of water down and then feel the bed dip as he sits on the other side of me.
"How long you two been together?" he asks and Steve stutters a little almost making me laugh as I imagine the blush on his cheeks, almost had the pain that, that same reaction would cause me.
"We're… we're not together," he says eventually,
"Why not, she's a swell looking doll and brave too?" Bucky asks and something about the way he speaks, his accent, makes me almost squirm a little.
"She's my best friend Buck, apart from you, all I've had… all that's kept me going," he answers.
Soon after I tune out their voice's as I try to cope with the information I had been given today. My life had never been fantastic, well since the accident, but to find out that it was a lie, to find out that she had been a prisoner, that somebody had been inside my head, I knew what that felt like now of course, having been inside Bucky's head, having felt what he felt but to know that it had happened to me. It was all too much and after I am sure they have both left and are asleep themselves I silently sit up and stare around me blankly for a while. It had been a very long time since I had a full night's sleep and I knew that sleep and I knew that no matter how exhausted I was, sleep would not be coming to me tonight. Sighing I slip silently from the room, thanking God once again for Nat's training as without it I would definitely have woken the two super soldiers. A few minutes later I find myself in the kitchen leaning heavily on the work surface my arms relishing the cool of the marble against my flushed skin as I try to focus on breathing and forgetting everything in my head. As I stand up I hear a grunting and freeze for a second before I realise that it is Bucky asleep on the sofa, moving silently towards him I can see him twitching and writhing, his face screwed up in anguish and then he screams and I'm pretty sure it rips my heart out of my chest it is so full of suffering. Without thinking I leap forward and shout for him to wake up moving to grab his arm but as soon as I do his eyes shoot open and they connect with mine. I see the fear and the coldness as the soldier takes over and his metal arm moves as if of its own accord grasping me around the neck and lifting me nearly clean off my feet.
"Buc… Bucky," I choke out and then Steve is there and Bucky is coming back to himself releasing me and dropping me gasping to the floor.
"Addi," Steve's voice is full of worry for both of us and I look up to see Bucky on the sofa trembling with his head in his hands and feel the tears well in my eyes.
"I… I'm so sorry Bucky," I whisper hoarsely and he looks up startled, his gaze shifting between the two of us as if trying to work it out.
"I…" he is unable to finish his sentence as he growls balling his hands into fists pounding at his head in self loathing.
"It was my fault," I say quickly moving to sit beside him and trying not to be deterred as he flinches away from me slightly, "I should not have startled you so, I should have known,"
"But I…" he is staring at his metal hand and then up at where I assume bruising is already appearing on my neck his eyes filled with remorse as he looks at me.
"Addi doesn't blame you Buck," Steve says gently sitting in front of us both on the coffee table.
"I think, I hope, will you let me try and stop it?" I say quietly after a while and they both look at me in confusion.
"What do you mean Addi?" Steve asks eventually as Bucky clearly doesn't know what to say.
"You're scared of being triggered aren't you Bucky, scared that they'll be able to say something to set you against Steve?" I ask and he nods a little and so I offer him a small smile, "I think that maybe I can find out what those words are and then find a way to stop it with Tony's help," I say and they both nod as I move my hands before Steve grabs one wrist and Bucky the other.
"Not tonight sweetheart, you need to sleep," Steve says and I shake my head.
"But…"
"No Addi, you're weak enough as it is, I will not have you sacrificing yourself and making yourself ill when there is no need," his voice is firm and brokers no argument and so I sigh noticing the twitch of both of their lips as I pout a little but allow Steve to pull me up and, after exchanging what I think may very well be a silent conversation with Bucky, lead me back to my room and tuck me into my bed.
Over the next few weeks life slips into a strange sort of pattern, I spend my mornings training alone with Nat and then have lunch with Steve and Bucky before I spend some time in the lab with Tony and Bruce, the boys wanted to be there but I was worried it would be too much for Bucky and so I arranged this time to be given to them to train and catch up with one another, recover as many memories as possible. It seemed that my abilities had stopped progressing, for now at least which I am thankful for and so I work instead on projecting images, which on more than one occasion causes trouble between Tony and myself, as it is he who I practice with, and I also work on digging memories out while Bruce comes up with a way of deactivating Bucky. Then I spend my evenings with wither Steve or Bucky or both of them, getting to know Bucky and annoyingly growing feelings just as strong for him as I did for Steve. I mean I knew they had always come as a package deal but give me a break here, just let one of them like me back and me only like one of them but no I had to fancy, more than fancy, both of them and neither of them saw me as anything other than a friend and team mate.
"We've done it," I yell happily as I rush down to the apartment to find Bucky and Steve and jump in between them both on the couch causing them to jerk up and look at me in shock.
"What are you talking about sweetheart?" Steve laughs as Bucky pushes me off of him,
"You're squashing my arm doll," he laughs and I mock scowl at him to cover the blush I feel at his words. He had taken to calling me doll a few days ago and it made my insides warm through, the only other person able to do that was Steve when he called me sweetheart.
"Are neither of you going to actually be excited with me?" I exclaim as I through my hands up, pretending to frustrated and they both laugh again as they indulge me.
"What is it Addi, what have you done?" Steve asks and I beam at him.
"We've worked out a way to deactivate the Winter Soldier, we can do it this afternoon," I say and they both freeze before jumping up and pulling me with them.
"Seriously? How?" Bucky asks almost afraid to be too hopeful and I smile gently at him cupping his cheek in my hand, not taking notice of how intimate this gesture is.
"I have to get in your head, find the words, they're there, buried deep, I've been training, once I've got them, I activate you and then immediately inject you with the serum Bruce has developed, it will stop them working, I don't know how I'm rubbish at science I just do what I'm told," I babble and I feel the tension in both men.
"Addi that sounds dangerous," Steve begins but I shake my head,
"It'll be fine," I assure them both and despite the doubt I can read the hope too, in their eyes and it makes my own well with tears as I pray that it really does work.
By three that afternoon the Avengers are gathered outside the lab watching through a viewing window, not even Steve allowed in, much to his chargrin, and Bucky is sitting on a table me standing in front of him between his legs. In any other situation, the position could be seen as compromising and the mere thought makes my heart speed up a little as I try to rid myself of the thoughts, even as I hear Tony wolf whistle and Clint shush him whilst Nat sniggers. I glare up at them all before nodding reassuringly, at least that is what I hope my expression is, at Steve and looking back at Bucky who is twitching nervously.
"Do you trust me Buck?" I whisper now as I stare into his eyes and his flesh hand moves to tuck a stray hair behind my ear.
"More than anyone in this world but don't tell Steve," he murmurs back and I don't bother to hide the slight flush I feel in my face at his words.
"Right well let's do this then," I sigh taking a deep breath taking his hands in my face and closing my eyes. If not for the training I would have been screaming in pain within seconds but I hold it in. Vaguely aware of the whimpers that escape me and the sounds of voices locked away in the viewing room where the others stood watching. I search for what feels like hours until I find them. The words are buried deep and my ears and nose are bleeding heavily by the time I let go and say the words, barely given a second to catch my breath and pick up the serum before that metal hand is tight around my throat and I am thrown against the wall, my head connecting so hard with it that I instantly feel sickness rise in my throat even as his hand crushes the air out of it. Shakily, I somehow raise my hand and stab him in the side with the needle. It takes perhaps two or three seconds for it to kick in and then I am on the floor and he is screaming and then there is a fuzzy silence and nothingness.
Coming to, I am aware of a soft grip on my hands, a familiar thumb stroking the back of my hand and I smile.
"Stevie," I whisper, the pain in my throat reminding me of what had happened as I try to piece it all back together.
"I'm right here sweetheart," he murmurs back to me and I tighten my grip, trying to get the energy up to open my eyes.
"Where is Bucky, is he okay? Did it work?" I ask, my voice hoarse and scratchy as I speak.
"I'm here doll, you fixed me," he whispers into my hair before pressing a soft kiss to my temple, "I'm so sorry I hurt you doll,"
"Not your fault Buck," I manage, wheezing a little as I try to speak.
"Don't speak Addi, just sleep okay, we're not going anywhere, any of us," Steve says and I smile a little again as I slip back into the first peaceful… ish sleep I had had in mnay long months.