Ch. 10
AN: Deeks has some unhappy stories to tell in the second half of this chapter. If you're sensitive about cancer-related deaths, you might want to skip the five paragraphs after Kensi and Deeks sit on the couch. Nothing graphic, but they may be startling if you don't know what's coming.
Spoilers: Up through season 7 and including spoilers for season 8. This is speculation on the storyline that will cover Daniela Ruah's maternity leave. Now that the premier has aired, this is officially AU.
Disclaimer: Not mine (not even the DVDs, which I borrowed from the library this summer), not making any money from this.
"Omigoff, fis is fanfasic!" Eric gushed, both literally and figuratively, as crumbs came flying from his mouth.
"I think that means he likes it," smirked Nell. "And he wouldn't be the only one. Lady, we kicked some serious ass with this cake, if I do say so myself."
Kensi held up her hand to the analyst for a high-five. "And I would agree with you." The group was standing by the bullpen, scattered around the kitchenette area behind Deeks' and Sam's desks. Kensi handed out pieces of the s'mores cake she and Deeks had reserved for their friends.
"You two really made this? From scratch?" Sam looked at Kensi and Nell, dubious.
"Yes, Sam. While you all were out partying the other night, Nell and I were slaving away in the kitchen."
"Wait a minute. You can't play that card, Kensi, since you were the one who wanted to get Deeks out of the house for the night for the purpose of baking this cake." This was from Callen.
"Touché," said Sam.
Kensi and Deeks looked at each other, shocked that Sam had stolen their line. "Hey!" they called out simultaneously.
"Kensi told me you used that once, Sam, but I thought she was making a bad joke." Kensi's look had Deeks taking a step closer to Eric, who continued to shovel the treat in his mouth.
"But seriously, this is really good." Callen gave Kensi and Nell appreciative looks. "We could make a weekly habit of cake for breakfast. What do you say, ladies? Maybe a nice Russian Honey Cake for next Monday morning?"
Nell held her hands up in opposition. "Love to, but I have plans this weekend."
Kensi wasn't sure whether to be terrified at the prospect of making another cake, and by herself this time, or pleased because the team actually enjoyed her first foray into the baking arts. She supposed she could be both, so she just shrugged, "I could maybe check out a few recipes online and see how difficult is it. But I think I'll shoot for Fridays instead of Mondays. I've got better things to be doing on the weekends when Deeks is home."
Deeks sidled back over to Kensi and whispered silkily in her ear, "Yeah, you do."
"We don't want to know!" Sam interjected quickly, watching he exchange.
Eric finally stopped eating. "If you're taking heritage-based requests, how about a date and walnut loaf for me Scottish side or a German chocolate cake for Mom's family?"
"Whoa…my ladybird, my cake first." Deeks jumped on the idea of Kensi finding something else she was good at and might enjoy spending time doing. "Kens, you've got to try your hand at a kvæfjordcake. It's sponge cake layered with vanilla custard and topped with meringue. De-lish!"
"Mr. Deeks, I believe this delightful s'mores cake counts as your cake. And I would like to cast my vote for a banana or pumpkin loaf. Either would fit well with the 'cake-for-breakfast' theme Mr. Callen suggested, and I have the perfect teas to accompany both of them," Hetty said.
"Yeah, but see, I didn't pick this cake, as wonderful as it is," Deeks attempted to argue.
Nell interrupted before Deeks could bury himself any deeper, "I'm a mutt, but I really enjoy a good carrot cake."
"You people are going to give us all diabetes, you know. Kensi, how about a nice, heart-healthy version of a pound cake, with some fresh fruit on top?" Sam ignored the looks, ranging from incredulous to annoyed, that were directed at him. "My mother has a recipe she makes for the Colonel. I can get it for you."
"Way to be a wet blanket, Dr. Oz," complained Deeks.
Kensi realized they hadn't heard from everyone yet. "You've been awfully quiet, Assistant Director."
"Don't get me wrong, this is good," he commented, holding up his plate with a mostly un-eaten piece of cake still on it. "But I'm not much of a sweets person."
The looks that the team gave each other at that statement seemed to scream, No, really!? But everyone kept silent, even Deeks, who suddenly had Kensi's boot heel pressing on the toe of his foot.
"But if Deeks wants to make his Swedish nachos again, I'd be more than happy to have those for breakfast while you all are eating your way around the world in cakes."
"Now that's what I'm talking about!" Deeks strode toward Granger, hand held up for a high-five, but the other man simply stared the detective down, unflinching. Deeks attempted to play it off and ran his hand through his hair instead.
Kensi was fighting back a chuckle when her butt began to vibrate. Pulling the phone from her pocket, she saw the number for Dr. Popa's office and walked away from her colleagues and toward the couch.
"This is Kensi."
"Hi Kensi, it's Elena from Dr. Popa's office."
"Oh, hi Elena. Did I miss an appointment?"
"No, don't worry. But Dr. Popa would like to see you. Tomorrow evening if possible?"
"Sure." Kensi angled her head toward Deeks, who was watching her. She shrugged her shoulders to indicate she wasn't quite sure what was going on herself. "Was there a problem with my last round of bloodwork or something?"
"No, not that I'm aware of. We received word from the National Marrow Donor Program just a few minutes ago. They found a match for you!"
Kensi turned around fully and put her other hand to her ear, leaning against the nearest arch as she did so. She needed to concentrate on what she was hearing. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?"
"The registry found a donor, Kensi. Congratulations! I'm so happy for you. Dr. Popa wants to discuss the next steps and details of the treatment plan with you and Marty." When Kensi didn't respond, Elena continued, "So we'll see you tomorrow? Is six o'clock good for you?"
"Sure, thanks. See you then."
Kensi disconnected the call but didn't move from the support of the archway. She started slightly when she felt a hand on her lower back.
"Kens? Everything okay?"
Kensi turned to face her partner, best friend, and lover. She was a little concerned about how Deeks would respond to her news. She knew he wasn't thrilled about the risks of a bone marrow transplant. "Yeah. Better than okay, really." She drew in a deep breath and spoke quickly on the exhale, "They found a donor."
"Wow." Deeks ran a hand through his hair quickly, his expression unreadable to Kensi just then. "Uh, wow. So this is really happening."
"Looks that way," Kensi said optimistically. "Dr. Popa wants to see us tomorrow after work to discuss what comes next. I guess we'll get a date then, you know, for the actual transplant."
Kensi's eyes narrowed in confusion at what she could now clearly read on his face. Deeks looked like he was barely holding back tears, and not the happy variety. She pulled him in for a hug. "Baby? What's wrong? This is really good news, please don't worry."
Deeks wrapped his arms around Kensi and allowed himself to be calmed by the familiarity of her scent and the beat of her heart against his chest. He swallowed a few times before he could speak. "I know. I am happy for you, Kens. I mean it."
"You going to tell me about the rest? About why you've been so reluctant for me to have a bone marrow transplant? I know it's not just what you've researched online."
He nodded, his head against hers, "Yeah, I guess I should, huh? Tonight?"
"Sounds like a plan." Kensi tightened the embrace for another moment before letting Deeks go, both of them now needing to wipe their eyes.
Kensi and Deeks returned to their colleagues less than a minute later, and everyone had the good grace to pretend they hadn't noticed something happening between the couple. But they all watched Kensi expectantly.
"Bad news, guys. Looks like I won't be able to take us all on a confectionary tour of your ancestral homelands anytime soon."
"Kens, stop teasing them," Deeks chided before looking at their teammates and sharing the news, "They found a donor for Kensi."
The announcement was met with the happiness and excitement that one would expect of a room full of friends and de facto family: hugs, hand-shakes, congratulations, and some tears of relief and happiness. Deeks found himself standing away from the group, watching everyone celebrate with the woman he loved. Deeks was glad Kensi was able to have this moment with somebody, even if it couldn't be him just yet. He was in the middle of mentally berating himself for not being able to give Kensi what she deserved when Callen quietly approached him.
"You alright, Deeks? You look more pale than Kensi, and that's saying something."
"Yeah, no, I'm good. It's just a lot to take in right now, you know?"
"Well, I don't, but I can imagine, watching what you two have been going through." When Deeks didn't respond, Callen tried to lighten his mood. "You can admit it, man. I know you're relieved not to be the match. I hear that's some big needle they have to put into the donor's hip to collect the bone marrow."
Deeks' eyes flashed with a heated anger the team leader hadn't seen in a long while, and he knew he'd said the wrong thing. "I would do anything for Kensi. Anything. I would give my life if it could somehow guarantee her a cure."
Callen placed a gentle hand on his friend's shoulder and steered them further away from the group, toward the couch. "I know that, Deeks. We all do. I apologize, I was just trying to get a laugh out of you. Everyone's over there happy for Kensi and you're looking like you want to beat someone up."
Deeks dropped his head in shame. He knew it was the truth and hated that Callen could see it. He was relieved that he already promised to tell Kensi what his concerns were about the transplant; hopefully she wouldn't hate him for his behavior this morning.
"Hey, remember when you came in here a couple of months ago and told us Kensi was going to need a transplant?" Deeks lifted his eyebrows, indicating that of course he remembered. "You told us you weren't as keen on the idea as she was, and to kick your ass if your feelings started to show."
"I don't think I mentioned my ass. I'm pretty sure I was envisioning a small kick under the desk, or something. But yeah, I did say that. Can I just consider this my ass-kicking Callen? Because I really don't want to go into that gym with you right now, man."
"I actually think I have something better than that, Deeks. Wait here a minute, okay?" Deeks nodded his agreement and watched as Callen walked to and spoke briefly with his partner, both men glancing at Deeks occasionally during the course of their discussion.
When the two approached Deeks, Sam addressed him. "Look, I wasn't going to say anything just yet because I can't be certain. But G seems to think you really need to hear this right now." Sam checked to make sure no one was close enough to overhear and lowered his voice to a whisper. "I think you did it."
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Sam."
"You came in that day and said you wanted to help Kensi by getting her donor on the registry. I think you did it, brother."
"You can't know that. How can you know that? Wait…is it you?"
"No, but I got a call from Aiden yesterday. Several of his classmates provided their DNA samples after reading your letter. One had to wait a couple of weeks to turn 18, and he just told Aiden that was asked to be a donor."
Deeks' heart skipped a beat. "But that could be for anyone. They wouldn't have told him Kensi's name or anything about her. And they won't tell us the name of the donor for a year, assuming he or she agrees to share his or her identity."
"Well, Ben was told he would need to be prepared to have the actual procedure in the next few weeks, and he got the impression that the recipient was relatively close because they said there was no need to plan for a lot of travel time for the marrow cells. Like I said, I wasn't going to say anything until I knew if the dates aligned, but –"
"No, Sam, thanks. I appreciate it. You too, Callen. I mean it. I've got to go talk to Eric and Nell." Deeks smiled brightly as he shook hands with his teammates and moved quickly across the room toward the Wonder Twins.
Deeks stopped mid-step, turned back, and hurried over again. "I guess I should have this information first: what's Ben's last name? And was he willing to let his identity be known to his recipient?"
Later that evening, when they had finished cleaning up from dinner, Kensi broached the subject she'd known they would have to discuss eventually. She had been debating whether or not to bother, since Deeks seemed in much better spirits after his little pow-wow with Callen and Sam this morning. But Kensi knew he had been keeping something from her from the first mention of the possibility of a bone marrow transplant, and before his talk with the guys, Deeks looked like he really needed to get it off his chest.
Standing against the kitchen counter after she closed the dishwasher door, Kensi asked, "So, are you ready to tell me?"
"Yeah, I guess so."
Kensi held out her hand and Deeks took it. She led him into the living room and sat on the couch with her back against the arm. Her left leg was bent and rested against the back of the couch, while her right leg hung off the front. She pulled him down and drew up her right leg, so that Deeks was cradled between her legs, his back against her chest. Kensi ran her hands slowly up and down Deeks' arms and placed her chin on his shoulder.
She gently kissed the space between his ear and his neck before quietly asking, "Who was it?"
Deeks' laugh was without humor. "The better question is probably, 'Who wasn't it?'" He took a deep breath and for the second time that day took comfort in the feeling of Kensi's body touching his. Deeks really hadn't wanted to have this conversation with Kensi; he didn't want her to scare like he was.
Letting the breath out, Deeks began, "Ray and I were good friends with a kid named Jackson back in the day. This was his last name, before Jackson was a cool first name. Jackson's first name was Eugene, which he hated, and who could blame him? Anyway, Jackson's mother got cancer and had to have chemotherapy. She made it through, and got well enough to come home, and then one morning Mr. Jackson woke up next to his wife's dead body. The ME said the chemo damaged her heart and she had a heart attack in her sleep."
Kensi considered her words carefully before she spoke. "Deeks, that was a long time ago. I'm sure there have been a lot of advancements in what they know and how they use chemotherapy since then. Plus you don't know what other health issues she may have had."
"Maybe. But about ten years later my younger cousin Christopher, crazy Aunt Barbara's son, was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. He was 17 when he got sick, 21 when he died after going through chemo and radiation twice, and then a bone marrow transplant from his brother Matty. He was getting better. I was in law school at the time, and I remember hearing from Aunt Barbara, this was before she went a little nutty, that Chris was doing well, his numbers were coming up and he'd probably be able to leave the hospital soon. Two days later his new bone marrow attacked his body and he died within hours; there was nothing they could do for him."
"God, baby, I'm so sorry." Kensi tightened her embrace.
Deeks continued as if he didn't hear her. "I know there are plenty of people who've gone through chemotherapy, radiation, and/or bone marrow transplants and have survived, even thrived. I've done the research, just like you have. And I've seen the happy, smiling faces the hospitals put on their websites. I've read the testimonials. I listen to everything Dr. Popa says and I don't think she's blowing smoke up our asses. But Kens, my first and closest experiences with these things did not end well at all, and I'm terrified at the thought of you not coming through this. And let's not forget the people who are 'cured' only to get cancer or leukemia later in life as a result of the treatment."
"Deeks, I wish I knew how to make you feel better about this, except to say that I'm feeling really positive about it. I'm not looking forward to going through chemo and radiation, but I'm generally healthy, and I think I have a good shot at a cure here. And if I get sick again, I'll get up and fight again, as long as you're there with me. Honestly, my biggest fear was that a donor wouldn't be found and I wouldn't get the chance to fight at all. You know me, I don't back down from a challenge."
"I do know you, and I have no doubt, Kensi, that if this was completely under your control, you would beat it."
"Is there anything I can do, or say, to make you okay with this?"
"Kens, they're going to poison and irradiate you. You're going to get even paler and sicker than you already are, and you're probably going to look so frail that I'll be afraid to touch you at times. There is no way I will ever be okay with that, even if it came with the Kensi Blye Guarantee that it would cure you."
"Well, when you put it like that…"
Deeks pulled himself away from Kensi's embrace and turned so his back was against her left leg. He pulled her other leg across his lap and then reached out to run his hand down her hair. "Baby, I'm sorry that I'm upsetting you. Most of the reason I didn't tell you about this is because I didn't want to do that."
"That's just stupid," Kensi said plainly, with no anger or malice. "We've been in pretty much a constant state of upset since our helicopter fell out of the sky, wouldn't you say? And you can't think that I haven't had these same fears. Trust me, Deeks, there's nothing you can come up with that I haven't already thought of and worried about. But I think it's pretty obvious you've been more bothered by the thought of a bone marrow transplant than I have. And now I know why, so thank you for telling me." Kensi pulled Deeks to her for a soft kiss. "Please try not to worry so much about this. Now that I have a donor, the wheels are in motion and all there is to do is get through it. Which we will."
"How are you not freaking out at the thought of what's about to happen?"
"I don't know, maybe because there's nothing we can do can to change it, so why bother worrying so much about it? Meg recommends catching myself in the negative thought and focusing on something else."
"That sounds easier said than done."
"You'd be amazed how good I'm getting at it. Especially now that I have something really great to redirect my thoughts to."
"Really great, huh?" Deeks smiled, "What's that?"
Kensi smiled back. "The fact that when all of this is over, you and I are getting engaged. And not too long after that, we'll get married."
His smile widened, "Yeah, that is pretty great."
They sat for several seconds, grinning at each other like idiots, Kensi thought. But she didn't care. In the midst of this uncertainty and fear, she'd take all little the moments of joy they could get. They deserved them.
"You seemed to have a good talk with Callen and Sam this morning," Kensi said, when her cheeks started to hurt from all the smiling.
"Oh!" Deeks couldn't believe he'd actually forgotten about this for a while. "Yeah, you're not going to believe this! I know who the donor is."
"What? How is that possible?"
"It's one of the cadets at Aiden's school. Sam offered to contact the commandant so that any of the students who were old enough or staff could be tested if they wanted. Sam figured since you helped to save their lives, some might want to return the favor. Anyway, Cadet Ben Hughes told Aiden very recently that he's been asked to be a donor."
"That doesn't mean it's for me, Deeks. You know that potential donors don't get to just pick who they want to be tested for, or donate to."
"This is true. But Eric and Nell may have accidentally found a back door into the registry computer system to find out who Ben's match is, or at least that person's internal ID number…"
"And since you know already what my ID number is…"
"I was able to confirm that Ben is, in fact, your donor."
Kensi was silent for a few heartbeats, considering. Her voice was quiet when she spoke, "Deeks, do you know what this means?"
"Well, for one, that you don't have to worry about picking up the character traits of some boring accountant."
"Or lawyer."
"Ouch. Touché, but ouch."
"No, doofus. It means that, assuming this transplant cures me, you will have saved my life, Deeks."
"Not really, or at least not alone. I mean, it was Sam's idea to contact the school. And you were the one who impressed those kids with your mad skills. And let's not forget Cadet Ben, who'll have to have minor surgery for this."
Shaking her head, Kensi gently argued, "But Deeks, it was your idea to have our friends reach out to people they know, and you did it even though I told you the odds were ridiculously low." She kissed him sweetly once, twice, and again. "Nell told me about your conversation, that you were upset because you couldn't do anything to help me. And we'll talk later about what kind of idiot statement that was. But you did it, babe. You found the person who can cure me." A tear ran down Kensi's cheek. "Thank you."
AN 2: Rest in Peace to my own cousin Chris, whose story is somewhat mirrored in this chapter. You've been gone longer than you were with us, but we still love and miss you.