In Every Life
Chapter 10
Forest Fire: In which Barry doesn't go into the speed-force at the end of season free and eventually tracks down Caitlin.
….
It takes him three months to find her.
Months of scanning surveillance footage and listening in to police reports, hoping for some kind of lead. When her face finally pops up on a grainy image outside a bar in the southern district of the city he almost cries.
He waits there three nights in a row before spotting her. She's by the bar, a drink in hand, looking smaller than he'd ever seen her before.
"Caitlin?" he says cautiously, as he sits down in a stool next to her
She tenses, glaring at the bottom of her glass "I must have done something truly awful in a past life" she mutters, quickly downing the drink and waving over the bartender "hey, I'm gonna need another one"
"No, I think she's fine" Barry says, placing his hand on top of her glass and moving it away "Is this what you've been doing all this time? Drinking, alone in bars?"
"Oh, so now you care?" she snaps, grabbing the glass back and pushing it towards the bartender, a 20-dollar bill beside it "What happened Barry? Is Iris boring you with wedding plans so you remembered I existed again?"
He flinches at her harsh words, watching as the bartender placed another glass of brownish coloured liquid in front of her "I never forgot about you Caitlin"
"Well you could have fooled me" she says bitterly, taking a mouthful of her drink. He reaches for her hand and she pulls it back, the alcohol in her system making her movement sloppy and jarring "Don't touch me"
"Caitlin I just want to help you, this, drinking alone in seedy bars. This isn't you"
"Maybe it is now" she mutters, swirling the rest of the drink around in the glass before downing it "Do you have any idea what its like to have somebody take control over your body? To be nothing more than a backseat driver as someone wreaks havoc using your hands, your body. All those things she did, I can't stop thinking about them"
"Then come home with me, let us help you. This isn't healthy Caitlin" he says, gesturing to the bar they were sitting in "Drinking isn't the right way to deal with things"
She scowls and he immediately knows he's said the wrong thing. She stands up, a little shaky on her feet "You know what, screw you"
He stands, a hand going out to her shoulder before he decides that it probably wasn't the best idea "Cait, wait"
"No, fu-fuck you Barry Allen. I don't want your pity or your judgement" she stumbles on her words slightly "I was trapped in there, for weeks, screaming. You're a hero, you use your powers and everyone loves you for it. You've never had to be petrified to feel anything because it could turn you into a monster, you've never had to watch as your hands a-attack the people you love most in the world. So, until you have, you don't get to judge me for how I'm choosing to try and live with myself"
He falters on words for a few moments, pain and guilt riddling him "I'm just trying to help you"
"No, y-you're just trying to make yourself feel better about abandoning me" she says with a shake of her head, angry tears building in her eyes "Well I'm sorry but I'm not here to dissuade your guilt"
She walks out of the bar and he follows after her, trailing behind her "Caitlin, wait"
" 'm not Caitlin!" she bursts out, whipping around to face him "Not anymore. I stopped being her the moment I died in that medical bay and Killer Frost took over" she looks away, a few tears slipping out "You weren't even t-there"
"I know, I'm sorry" he says moving them to a dark alley so he could speed them away to his apartment without being seen.
"S-she's still in here you know?" she mumbles, wobblily tapping the side of her head "Sometimes I wake up in the middle of n-nowhere and then I remember what she did the night before"
"C'mon you can sleep in my room, I'll stay on the couch" he says as he guides her into his apartment, quickly showing her the way into his room
"Always the g-gentleman Allen" she hiccups, sitting down on the edge of the bed "Where is Iris?"
"Opal City… we're taking some time apart" he sighs, grabbing some sweats and an oversized jumper for her to wear "You can use these"
She snorts "Seriously, y-you spent all that time trying to save her, fuck I died in the process and you're not even together?"
"Can you please stop joking about that? I'm traumatised enough" he snaps, not missing the frown that appears on her face
"I didn't think you even n-noticed, you were so busy trying to save Iris" she says bitterly as she changes into the clothes Barry gave her, either not noticing the way he turned red and look away or not caring "I was just co-collateral damage in your mission to save your fiancé"
He stiffens, feeling like she'd just sucker punched him in the stomach "You know that's not true Cait"
She lays down on the bed, not bothering to go under the covers "I don't know anything anymore Barry. I'm just e-empty now"
She stares up at him, her eyes filled with tears, looking smaller than he'd ever seen her before "Why didn't you help me Barry? I know I'm n-not Iris but you were my friend, I needed help and you left me alone"
Her drunken confession breaks his heart, the way her tears rolled down her cheeks as she succumbed to sleep splintering what was left in his chest. He raised a hand, brushing them away with his thumb, noting how cold her skin felt under his touch "I'm sorry Cait, I should've saved you"
He drapes a blanket over her still form before quietly retreating to his couch, the draining events of the last few hours finally taking their toll on him.
….
She wakes with a pounding headache in a bed that she doesn't know. Immediately starting to panic, she tries to recall what she did the night before, more specifically if her cold-hearted alter-ego had made an appearance. Upon not being able to remember anything, she begins to hyperventilate, throwing the blanket off her and checking herself for blood, bruises anything that would indicate that she had lost control again. She paused when she realised that the clothes she was wearing were not her own, another indication that Killer Frost had come out to play last night.
Still dressed in a strangers clothing, she quietly pads out into the unknown apartment, pausing when she hears a sound coming from what appears to be the kitchen. Mentally preparing herself for whatever horror she had unleashed, she grabs the nearest thing she can use to protect herself, an umbrella.
Her heart pounds as she rounds the corner to the kitchen slowly, her breathing short and heavy. Her palms seat around the umbrella, making it slightly harder to keep a grip on as she silently steps into the room, umbrella raised, ready to attack.
It drops to her feet with a clunk! As she takes in the sight before her. Barry's standing in front of the stove, his back to her, dressed in a thin grey shirt and pyjama pants. He turns at the sound of the umbrella hitting the ground, a frying pan with eggs and bacon sizzling inside in his hand.
"Hey, you're finally up" he says with a grin, gesturing the frying pan towards her "I made us some breakfast, I figured you'd probably feel like something greasy this morning"
She remains frozen on the spot, her whole body trembling as she struggles to remember why she was here. How had he found her? Did he find her whilst she was Killer Frost and stop her from doing something awful? Did he come after and only see the aftermath of what she had become? "B-B-Barry?" her voice comes out as nothing more than a choked gasp.
Quickly sensing something was wrong, he set the frying pan down on the stove and moved towards her, noting the way her hands shook the closer he got "Hey what is it? What's wrong?"
"I- I thought" she splutters out "I didn't know where I was when I woke up… I thought… I thought I had... I thought she had done something"
Finally realising what was the problem, he quickly pulls her into a hug, trying to ignore the way she stiffened in his arms "Cait, no. It's okay, nothing happened"
She struggles against him, her chest feeling incredibly tight as she struggles to breath "I.. I was scared I'd hurt someone again…I…I"
He pulls away, holding her face in his hands, her terrified eyes looking into his "It's okay Cait, you're okay just breathe. In and out"
"I… I can't!..." she gasps, her lungs starting to burn from the lack of oxygen "…I can't breathe!.."
"Shh Cait, look at me" he says, grabbing one of her hands and placing it on his chest, over where his heart lay "Just breathe with me okay. In for three and out for three. In for three and out for three"
She wheezes, taking a small breath in when she feels his chest rising against her palm and exhaling when she feels it deflate "There we go, just breathe with me okay? You're okay, it's alright I've got you"
It takes a few minutes but even her breathing returns to normal, her body trembling awfully as Barry helps her sit down on one of his dining table chairs "Does this happen often?" he asks as he fetches her a glass of water
"A few times a week" she confesses, looking away from him in shame "More if I lose control"
"Cait" he sighs, "God, I'm so sorry, I did this to you"
She tenses "I don't want to hear this Barry" she says as she moves away from him "What happened last night, how did I get here? Did I do something? If I did I want to know"
He inwardly sighs at her changing the subject but answers her nonetheless "No Cait, you didn't do anything. I found you at a bar, drunk and took you back here to sleep it off, that's all"
She groans, a little bit of last night coming back to here, the way she'd cried in front of him, her tearful confessions "I'm sorry for all of that, you shouldn't have had to deal with one of my breakdowns"
Moving forward, he grabs one of her hands again "Cait, look at me, please" the edge of desperateness in his voice forcing her eyes up to meet his "You were never just collateral damage"
She pulls her hands away, standing up from the stool "Don't, don't say things like that to me"
He follows after her "Why not?"
"Because none of it's true!" she shouts, turning her back on him.
He grabs her shoulder, turning her around "How can you say that, after everything we've been through?"
"it's because of everything we've been through!" she yells, shoving him away "You were one of my best friends Barry, and then all of a sudden it was like none of us mattered anymore. Because you had Iris now, the rest of us were non-existent. I was drowning Barry and you didn't even care"
"That's not true" he argues, each word hitting him in the chest like a razor blade
"You made me use my powers!"
"To save Iris's life!"
"What about my life!" she cries out "Did you even think what that would do to me? I would've saved her anyway but that's besides the point, you didn't care about what it could have done to me…" she starts pounding on his chest with her tiny fists, angry tears falling down her cheeks "You knew, Barry, you knew how scared I was of turning into her, how much I hated my powers. You knew and you didn't care. You didn't care!"
He grabs her flailing hands, pulling her into his chest while she struggled "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" he whispers into her hair, keeping a tight grip on her until she finally stopped struggling against him and instead started sobbing into his chest.
"I was alone, I was terrified and you left me with him" she doesn't have to say the name for him to know who she was referring to, months later and Savitar was still wreaking havoc on their lives "Why did you give up on me so easily?"
"I'm sorry Caitlin" he whispers over and over again, until she's finally out of tears and is sniffing against him instead "I'm going to make this right Caitlin, I swear I will"
She shakes her head against him "I don't know if that's possible Barry, even for you"
He pulls away, still keeping her close to him "Come back to the lab with me, it's where you belong Cait"
"I can't Barry" she protests "All those things I did, how can I look any of them in the eye ever again?"
"No-one blames you for what happened Cait, we know you weren't in control"
"And I'm still not, not completely" she reminds him, putting a little bit of space between them "She's still in here Barry"
"Then we'll work something out, Cisco already made some more power nullifying necklaces for you. Please, Cait, just come back home" he begs, holding her hand again.
She hesitates still, thinking it over for a minute "I'll come into the lab in a couple of days, see how it goes. But I'm not making any promises Barry, I told you before, I'm not your Caitlin anymore"
He's happy that she agrees to come in at all, almost going in for a hug before deciding against it. He'd already pushed her boundaries pretty far today. He squeezes her hand, an optimistic smile on his face "I promise you Cait, you won't regret this"