CHAPTER 9

"But I can't fix him, can't make him better, and I can't do nothing about his strange weather. But you are invincible. I can't break through your world, 'cause you live in shades of cool." - Lana Del Rey

( Shades of Cool)

"Oh my god," Yao said breathlessly as he covered his mouth with his hands. Even though he had thought all his sense of touch and feeling were gone, he was proved wrong. The one glace at the destroyed American swathed in white sterile cloth and the dreaded dull tone of the machine caused his heart to go in shock. He was in bad shape.

The more he looked, the more emotional and unstable he became. Finally, Yao could take no more and he had to look away.

"Don't avert your eyes." Ivan demanded as he locked his jaw. Leaning down, he tilted Yao's chin up with his gloved hand. He was met with those challenging burning eyes. It was almost as Yao looked down upon him. How infuriating. "You're the one who wanted to see him."

Yao's knees wobbled as he slowly made his way to Alfred's side in a daze. Once he arrived to Alfred's bedside, he collapsed on his knees. "How could this happen to you?" He gave a death glare towards the cold Russian.

Ivan smiled coldly in return and wiggled his fingers in a goodbye gesture. "I'll step out in the hall and give you a couple of minutes." He paused when he saw a hesitant Yao who gazed longingly at the sleeping American. "Alfred's lost some memories. Be cautious." Ivan said those words and then stepped out. Yao wanted to laugh a little. Out of all people, Ivan was the one that warned him of danger. He was the greatest danger.

Yao slowly walked to the bedside and he sunk down into the chair next to it. His shaking hand lightly brushed the blonde locks off his forehead. There were faint scars and bruising decorating the American's face.

He slowly stirred awake and his groggy eyes slowly focused on the beautiful doll sitting by him. Confused, but pleasantly surprised he slowly sat up and reached for his glasses sitting on the table next to the bed. He slipped them on and Yao helped prop Alfred up with the pillows.

Alfred's blue eyes blinked blankly behind his glasses. A shard of glass struck Yao's heart and he swallowed a nervous lump in his throat. He continued to fidget in his chair uncontrollably and wrung his clammy hands together. "Don't you remember me at all?" Yao asked hopefully. He waited patiently as Alfred's eyes looked over Yao.

He shook his head no. "I'm really sorry, but I don't." He gave that polite smile reserved for strangers. Yao's spirit sank to a new low and he simply hung his head.

He quietly said, "Ah, I see." Yao gasped when he felt a hand gently caress his cheek. Shocked, Yao involuntarily cringed as if expecting another blow and looked up fearfully. However, when he only saw the American's genuinely concerned expression, it only made him feel worse.

"Are you all right?" He seemed so concerned as he lightly stroked over the purplish bruise on Yao's cheek and the faint cut. He glanced out the window at the intimidating Russian sitting in one of the chairs out in the hall. His eyebrows furrowed together. "What happened?"

This concern and pity tugged on Yao's heart strings and caused him to feel ... odd. He blinked quickly and smiled reassuringly. "Yes, of course I'm all right! I'm just awfully clumsy!" Yao said so cheerfully that he winced on the inside. It sounded so fake to even his own ears. This seemed to assuage Alfred's concerns a little, but doubt still lingered. Trying to divert his attention, Yao glanced over at the t.v. "Well, would you look at that. A football game's on." Alfred immediately perked up and eagerly paid attention to the game.

It was that easy. Well, it was only to be expected that Alfred would react that way. Yao smiled and laughed along with Alfred, but on the inside, he knew.

The connection between them was lost. Alfred really didn't remember any of that nightmare.

In a way, Yao was relieved. He wouldn't have to explain anything. It would just cause more of a mess and entangle more strings. He didn't need that.

So Yao didn't ask Alfred if he remember him anymore. He simply continued these forced conversations and small talk he was so skilled at. Alfred turned away from the t.v. when there was a commercial break.

"So, I knew you right? What kind of person was I before?" Alfred asked curiously with a lopsided grin like a cute puppy. Yao smiled gently in return.

"You were ... a very kind person. You were a bit annoying, but so optimistic that no one could ever stay angry at you. You always wanted to be the hero, and you had such good intentions. Even if you got hurt, you never stopped trying. I admired that about you. Your persistence. " Yao said.

"Hm, I sounded like a really great guy then." Alfred said rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

"You also ate a lot, and made a mess of everything. Then I'd always have to clean up your messes." Yao teased in a scolding tone like a mother hen. Alfred laughed, and his familiar face flooded Yao's senses.

There is really nothing I can do about it. He's lost his memories. It's not his fault. It's mine for getting him involved.

Even though he logically knew this, he still felt empty. His opportunity at a 'new beginning' was officially blow to smithereens. Oh well. It's sort of like accidentally resetting all of the settings on your iPhone, and you're freaking out, and angry, but there isn't anything you can do. All the cool things you had are gone forever, and only you remember all the special things. Yes, the same things are there but it's not the same as it once was.

For Yao, that's how it felt. He was old after all. When you get older, it seems that the energy you had before simply fades. It's inevitable.

They continued the rest of the afternoon in this pleasant manner. Yao carefully stepped around some topics that Alfred seemed sensitive about, and then there was a knock at the door from Ivan signalling that it was time to leave. As he reached for the doorknob, Alfred's voice caused him to pause.

"Hey Yao," He called. Yao paused and looked at him over his shoulder.

"Yeah?" Yao replied.

"You seem like a nice guy. Take care of yourself, and I hope you find your happiness." He gave one of his genuine smiles that everyone loved about him. Honest and sweet Alfred. The more Yao thinked about it, the more upset he became.

Oh no.

"Thanks. You too." He said and then quickly left out the door, his hand tightly clutching the knob.

Come on. You're already an old man. Don't be a sappy youngster. Yao thought to himself.

He composed himself and after taking a deep breath, walked down the hall. He was met with a solid brick wall and stumbled. Large hands supported him by wrapping around his arms. He looked up and was met with that same impassive face.

"You saw him. That should be enough, da?" Ivan asked. Yao pushed the arms away and kept to himself with his face drawn.

"Let's just go."

After Yao's brief visit, nothing remained except for his floral and sweet scent. His presence vaguely lingered in the background, but gradually faded from Alfred's memories into an easily forgettable nothingness. Just like that, Alfred's intense burst of love had barely bloomed and had been extinguished just as quickly. He was oblivious to any feelings he ever harbored and could only blissfully live his life.

The minute they had returned to Ivan's, he was all over Yao's body. Hands wandered over the bare expanses of blank pages to be painted upon. "Do you regret seeing him now?" Ivan asked. Yao said nothing but glared angrily at him instead. He would be happy if he was able to stain Yao with his own color.

He pressed his lips to Yao, both eyes staring at each other in a battle of will. When Ivan's tongue slipped past Yao's lips, Yao bit down with all his strength. "Agh!" Ivan hurriedly pushed Yao away, wiping away the blood with the back of his hand.

"You can fuck me, but never kiss me." Yao grit out.

It seemed as if the only color Yao allowed to be painted was red.

Ivan gave a cruel laugh, and his eyes turned into a stormy, clouded violet. "You think you're fucking special? You think you get to decide?" Ivan stood up and gave a condescending look. "You don't want to kiss me? Fine. Then use your mouth to do something else." He unzipped and a monstrosity presented itself to Yao. His hands rested on Yao's hand, urging him to take the member in.

Tears pricked at Yao's eyes when he choked on the large member. Liquid dripped down his throat like water, and he struggled to breathe. His confused, hazy eyes searched those merciless amethyst eyes for any hints of compassion. He found none.

There was a certain dark possessiveness that Yao did not fully understand. The extent of Ivan's twisted love was cruel while at the same time very sorrowful. It was once a warm lively thing.

Yao began to run his tongue against the side of the throbbing member. "Lick it all the way." Ivan demanded. Yao's eyes closed shut and he complied. Ivan tugged on Yao's hair forcing him to go down even deeper. "Is that the best you can do?"

With the constant sucking and licking, Ivan began to feel something. He closed his eyes and began to squirm under Yao's oral ministrations. Before he was about to explode, he pulled Yao away with a wet pop. "I don't want to waste such a good load in your mouth." He picked him up and carried him to the bed. He threw him onto the sheets and loosened his tie.

Ivan tore the clothes away until he finally saw his doll's pretty body. He ran his fingers over the soft skin. Yao breathed sharply when the searching fingers pressed a little too deeply into a bruise. Ivan is a virtuoso of fanning the flames of Yao's pleasure. However, now he did not wish to give Yao anymore pleasure. He had thoroughly vitiated Yao's body and turned it into a wanton, hedonist that fights against his brain's control. In the throes of desire, his body breached past the holds of reason and sought a certain completion to fill the emptiness in his heart that had only grown as the years passed.

Even though Yao only grudgingly admitted it when it was brought up, he was well acquainted with debauchery. When Yao was much younger, and green behind the ears, men deeply desired to debauch the limber and beautiful young thing. So, forced to protect himself, he had gained skills to survive.

However... what is this? Yao thought to himself as he hands wandered all over his body. His thoughts dissapated as warm lube covered fingers gently probed at his twitching bud. A finger slid in, and then gradually more fingers were added. They curled against the inside, and teasingly ran over one spot that drove Yao crazy. Yao bit his lip to prevent embarassing moans from escaping.

"I love that expression of yours. It appears as if you're hesitating, embarrassed, and slightly angry, but you're trying so hard to hold it in." Ivan whispered in a deep, seductive voice. His fingers left and instead of only slim fingers, a larger member slowly slid in.

"Ahh..." His hands pressed deeply into Yao's hips. "You're sucking onto me so tightly." He thrust in and out quickly. The harder he banged Yao, the better if felt. It was so fulfilling and satisfying...it brought so much pleasure that Yao couldn't contain himself.

"More than shallow thrusts..." Ivan gave a grunt as he felt the twitching, soft butter encasing his hard staff. "You seem to prefer being rubbed deeply inside." He slowed his pace and teased Yao by letting him feel every inch of that staff entering and leave. The tears from the fellatio before had long dried, and instead, he was panting with desire.

"P-please Ivan," Yao begged as his body slid down deeper on the member.

"What?" Ivan pinned Yao's body down to prevent him from squirming about.

"Faster,"

"Where did those proud words go?" Ivan taunted as he ran the ball of his thumb over Yao's bottom lip. "You're so shameless now."

Lately, all Ivan knew how to do was to mask his wounded feelings with crass and harsh words towards Yao. Ivan's vitriolic attitude towards Yao only pushed him further into a corner.

Yao blinked groggily, clutching the bed sheet to his chest. He laid on his back and folded his hands across his stomach.

"Do you enjoy pillaging me?" Yao asked as he stared emptily at the ceiling.

Ivan said nothing at first, but simply inhaled deeply. He tapped the ashes from the cigarette into the ash tray and rested the cigarette between his fingers. Finally, he spoke.

"You did not want to become my beloved, so this is the only way. You would not accept my ... affections." He said roughly to himself.

Love.

The word had lost it's meaning.

All the empty nothings Yao whispered with his sweet enticing lips in that sweet voice was like honey to trap his victims. The blissful lies blinded and chained the willing fools to the trembling body, like a butterfly caught in it's own devices.

A foolish butterfly found itself caught by it's own curiosity. The wings pinned back for display, staying there helplessly. How pitiful. Ivan thought to himself bitterly. If you had been obedient from the start, I wouldn't have to resort to such methods. You make me so cruel.

Ivan squashed out the cigarette, leaving behind nothing but that bitterness to mix in with the scent of sweat and musk. Ivan stood up and stretched out his arms.

"Come with me for a bit." Ivan threw a change of clothes at Yao's naked body and then he finished slipping his jacket on.

They had paused at the doors of the grand gala. Natalia was breath taking in a specifically tailored designer dress. Her hand on the clutch tightened as she caught Ivan's gaze on a certain someone standing alone instead of participating in the dance. The beauty waited silently and closely by the open doors. He was quietly observing the scene before him and ignoring the married couple.

"Where are you looking?" Natalia demanded, as her icy blue eyes locked onto Ivan's face. His gaze wandered elsewhere. She followed Ivan's light of sight and scowled. It's the male whore. She thought to herself. "Look at me." Her nails tightened in Ivan's sleeve, leaving behind indentations in the cloth. Ivan teared his eyes away to turn to Natalia.

Even though Ivan was to be engaged to her, even though he belonged to her, she felt like the looser and not the winner. She felt cheated and betrayed. Ivan's eyes were wistful and further away than ever. This only served to infuriate her more. She was met with an unwilling, utterly bored expression. "There's nothing there."

I don't want to be only your 'second' option. She thought angrily to herself.

"Why did you bring him with you?" She asked accusingly.

"I wanted his company. That's all." He left her presence and gravitated towards him. He pulled the petite body towards him and pressed a tender kiss on the beauty's forehead.

Ivan's intention was to doll Yao up and take him along to burn the unbearable hours. However, he had gotten distracted and the raging arousal in his pants would not die down. Ivan couldn't possibly last these torturous hours in public as this teasing beauty floated in front of him. He needed Yao, and he needed him urgently. He wanted him in the worst way.

"Natalia, I'm sorry. I can't go with you."

"What, why? You promised." Natalia's eyebrows furrowed together. He pulled his arm away and took his out his phone. He called for his driver and then hung up. A few moments later, a Rolls Royce pulled up to the front of the hotel building.

"Have fun without me, darling." He didn't offer her any reason. He kissed her on the cheek and swiftly descended the stairs. Ivan practically dragged the poor lifeless doll behind him and ushered him into the car. Natalia stood there with her fists clenched as she saw the car drive away. She could not possibly beg him to stay. That would be disgraceful. She sucked in a deep breath and desperately hoped no one had witnessed that utterly embarrassing escapade.

Her hands clenched the material in her expensive dress like it was her only life line. With her chin held high as if she was balancing a tiara on her cascading blonde hair, she stepped out into the gala. The men all stopped to admiringly gaze at her.

At least I have their attention. Natalia thought to herself.

The women masked their jealousy and tucked their stray companions tightly to their sides. She heeded them no mind as she glowed and descended down the marble steps. Another one of her numerous talents, was deceiving people.

The orchestra had started up another lively waltz and the swells of the strings were enough to lift any heart. Except for Natalia's.

She had just reached the bottom of the steps and a swarm of men flooded her. "Natalia!" They exclaimed fondly. Since it was her duty, she managed to navigate through them like a 'lady' and find a private place for herself. She had found a nice and quiet lounge area away from the ball room. She sat by the bar and ordered a drink. Sighing, she nursed her drink. Her manicured nails, painstakingly curled hair, and makeup all seemed like a waste. A dull pain coursed through her crammed feet in tall, spindly, and gorgeous high heels.

Her body ached from working out so much yesterday, she couldn't breathe because of the corset, and every time she blinked, she could see her eyelashes because her mascara was so heavy. She grasped a handful of her artificial, but beautiful, curls and felt a wave of frustration build up in her. They slipped through her fingers and the ringlets bounced and returned to their former shape.

It was all pointless and meaningless.

Tears threatened to well in her eyes, but she willed them away because she didn't want her makeup to smudge and run. That would be so unsightly. Her eyes stung, but she kept forcing them away. She couldn't afford to cry right now.

There was the faint laughter and footsteps as a few people started to make their way in the lounge. Natalia was irritated on the inside because now she would no longer be alone. Once the men spotted her by herself, they immediately flocked to her side.

"Natalia! How are you this evening?" A man and his companion both grinned as they sat next to her. They too ordered drinks as they settled in the chairs.

"I'm well, and you two?" She asked them both.

"Good," They both answered together.

"Where's Mr. Braginski? Are you and your husband getting along?" The man asked, leaning forward.

"He's away, it couldn't be helped. It was a sudden emergency at work." She downed the rest of her drink. "To answer your other question, we are absolutely in love with each other." She smiled widely.

The man seemed a little disappointed. "Oh, I see. Well, now. Seeing that he is not here with you now, can I assume that you are lonely? Would you like to dance with me?"

Natalia smiled politely. "No, I don't really feel like it tonight." She declined gently.

"Oh, all right." The twelfth man in only five minutes had been rejected by the regal Natalia.

They finally left her alone to wallow in her own pity party.

The only man I wanted to dance with left, and I was foolish to hope he'd come back. What am I doing here? I should just go back. I don't care if my parents get angry with me.

She paid for the drink and then left.

"What is the point of going out if we are only going to return quickly thereafter?" Ivan's needy kisses littered his chest. He tore away the fabric to reveal more of the heavenly skin. "Do you know how much clothing you've torn and destroyed? It's so wasteful." Yao reprimanded.

He sucked on a pink bud and pinched the other. "It doesn't matter. I can just buy you more." He waved the matter away like always and just did whatever he wanted when he wanted to do it. That was just the signature egoist way of Ivan Braginksi.

"That's not the issue-ah!" Yao was distracted as a hand stroked his member. The touch felt good and he unconsciously thrusted into the hand. Ivan steadily jacked him off until Yao came all over their stomachs. Yao rested his head of Ivan's chest as he caught his breath.

"Satisfied?" Ivan stroked Yao's silky hair and tugged it back so Yao would be looking at him. "How can you possibly say that you don't belong to me?" His other hand ran over the shell of Yao's ear. "With a single touch, you already melting." The hand slid down his ear and down to his neck. "Hey Yao, why don't you just sumbit and become mine?"

The hand continued to trail and rested on his chest, similar to what Yao once did before to Ivan. "Give me your everything already."

"I've already given my body to you, haven't I? Isn't that enough? What a selfish man." Yao commented with a dry amusement. Ivan's hand rested flat above Yao's beating heart.

"I want this."

"I can never give you my heart. However, if you wish, you can take it by force. Pull out my rotting heart from my rotting flesh, and then kill me. " He brought the hands closer to his neck. "Kill me like you wanted to." He challenged with those defiant eyes of his. They truly wanted to die.

Ivan chuckled darkly. "Where did you learn to make me loose my control like that?" His member twitched and swelled even larger. With a falsely loving voice, that was patient as if explaining something to a child, he said; "But don't you remember? I won't let you die. You'll be with the man you hate for eternity."

Ivan's hands roamed down to caress the slender, soft body. "Then fuck me senseless. So that all my senses overwhelm me, so that I don't even know who's the one taking me. See me as an unsightly lusty whore, so that'll you have no desire for me anymore." He paused, leaning closer. "Okay, Ivan?"

Ivan's eyes violet eyes clouded and darkened. "As you wish." Yao's blood ran cold at such a cruel expression. "Ride me." Yao could feel an excited member prod and poke at his opening. He slowly positioned himself and then slid himself onto it. However, only the tip was in and it was already unbearable.

A little pain.

"Aghh you're just too big Ivan. You won't fit." Tears of pain pricked at the corners of Yao's eyes. His screaming body lingered at the tip, unable to take the huge member.

"Are you kidding me?" Ivan chuckled darkly. His hands rested on Yao's hips and he forcefully yanked him down. Yao let out a cry at being split so wide open while Ivan grunted. He steadily thrusted into Yao's opening. "If I had to die, I want to be inside you at that moment." He groaned at the ceiling. Ivan was fully addicted to Yao's body, even if it was a deadly toxin.

"Yao..." Ivan deeply and longingly whispered that name with every thrust. The way he said it was so intimate that it was the way every girl wanted to be called.

"S-stop it!" Yao gasped. "Don't say my name!"

"Yao, yao, yao." Ivan continued chanting his name like a prayer lowly into Yao's ear.

"Don't say my name. Stop."

"I love you so damn much." Ivan grunted.

Everything you say seems like a lie.

Swollen lips and intertwined tongues, tasting the salty bitterness of tears. With every searing touch of skin, they grow further apart. Bruised wrists, aching hips, and injured hearts beyond repair. Broken and twisted to the point where they no longer resemble their original forms.

"You really bring out the darkest side of me." Ivan fingers sunk deeper into the hips that melted to his touches.

My disgust and mortification from feeling pleasure from Ivan's warmth.

"Feel me, until nothing except for me clouds your mind. Until my touch is forever seared into your skin. I want to make you mine completely." Ivan kissed the inside of Yao's hand, then the lips trailed to leave a soft kiss on Yao's small wrist.

Ivan pulled out the knife sitting on the table beside them. He pressed the flat of the blade against Yao's heated flesh. Yao flinched a little a bit because the metal felt so cold against his skin.

"Ah, please don't stop!" Yao begged breathlessly as he felt the air exquisitely rushing through his lungs. The sharp silver blade sliced against his creamy flesh and scarlet drops welled and flowed against the pure white. His eyes dazed and a blush filled his face in ecstasy.

Ivan's grip on Yao's wrists tightened as he slowly pounded his way into completion.

A little bit of pain feels good, right?

It was impossible to count the number of times they did it. Like usual, an exhausted Yao would collapse from the physical activities. Ivan sighed deeply and glanced at Yao's spent body. Even in sleep, his face seemed so pain. He toosed the dirty sheets onto the floor.

They had certainly created a spectacular mess. The blankets and sheets were bloodied, while the discarded knife stuck haphazardly in the wall. The bed was half broken and leaning, and one of the legs of the night stand had been broken. Feathers coated the bedroom like snow, and the spilled bottle of liquor left a stain in the floor.

Already an expert on clean up, Ivan wiped him down. He cleaned and dressed the shallow wounds and applied ointments or creams onto the bruises. Since it was always cold in the room, Ivan slipped on a sweater that belonged to him onto Yao. It was huge on him, and reached his knees. Carrying Yao to the guest bedroom, he tucked him into the clean bed. He pulled the blankets all the way up to the chin and swathed him in blankets so he wouldn't catch cold.

He sat next to a sleeping Yao, and the bed dipped underneath his weight. Ivan brushed the dark and silky locks away to press a kiss to the forehead. He caressed Yao's cheek and then the hand limply fell back to his lap.

A surge of formidable fears and worries assaulted his mind. He dreaded returning back to Natalia's side.

These dark hours are when the world is empty and I feel alone with my old, broken, sore body. These heartless hours are so harsh. Yao's fingers curled loosely and he appeared half dead.

When he came to, he found himself alone. There are many terrible experiences in life. One of these, is when you sleep with someone, and the next morning, they're gone. It shouldn't be offensive, but it's a weird feeling. It's the same feeling of being empty once their warmth has dissipated from the sheets. They don't tell you anything. They just used you and leave.

A slender and pale body marred with love marks, scars and bruises laid tangled among the white sheets. Broken limbs curled into a simple ball, and diaphanous hair spread out against the canvas of the pillow. The weak body was aching.

The scent emanting from the sweater he was wrapped in made Yao feel strange. Ivan's scent filled him with hate...but at the same time it also filled him with a different kind of emotion.

The body shivered and trembled, and his hands ran quickly across his arms in an attempt to stave off the cold. 'Twas a coldness that could not be chased away simply by blankets. It was a permanent frost that resided in his heart. One could almost hear the faint sound of ice taking shape, forming with a faint crackling sound.

It's so cold, Alfred.

Where did you go?

A/N - Don't get me wrong, I love this fic, but I feel like I'm spending so much time on this and not enough on my other ones. LOL it's like I'm favoring one of my children xD (I'm so weird)! I mean I love MR. SNOW WHITE a lot too. Therefore, I would like to wrap this up too, and so I was thinking maybe I'd update more frequently, but just shorter chapters.

I really need to finish these loose ends of all these unfinished projects "T_T *ashamed*.

SONGS:

Forget what I said - Noora Noor

No, No, No - Humming Urban Stereo ( Feat. Uta )

Memories - SID SOUND

Sad Mannequin - eAeon

The Gaze - Gain