Chapter 10. A Future Lost
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*B*E*L*L*A*
"Get some sleep. We still have a long drive ahead of us."
I looked at him for a moment. The conversation that had just taken place was one that I had not expected. The truth was, all I wanted to do was to just forget everything for the time being, curl up in a bed for hours and hours, and just stay there. I kept the bunny in the crook of my elbow and I moved my legs gingerly, trying to settle in as best as I could. I was sore all over. I reclined the seat and I closed my eyes.
Jasper had frightened me to no end. I had never heard him speak with such conviction... such passion... for as long as I'd known him. But that was the thing - I didn't really know Jasper. Edward had always kept his newest brother's past a secret. I knew how nearly everyone else had been changed - a small piece of their histories - with the exception of Jasper and Rosalie. I knew that Rosalie's experience was similar to that event that almost occurred with me that time in Port Angeles, but Edward wouldn't tell me any more than that. Jasper's history, on the other hand, was a complete mystery.
Jasper had been furious after I had told him about Edward, and frankly, he had frightened the hell out of me. It was mostly his eyes. They were a beautiful, soft, butterscotch when he wasn't pissed off, but when they turned midnight black it was hard not to get the feeling that death was waiting for you around the corner. Or a foot away from your face.
He was so much different from earlier when we were back at the hotel. He was so careful then to not frighten me. When he had cleaned my wounds, I was in pain, and he would wince with me every time I would feel the sting of the peroxide. But he was careful, gentle, and so full of apology when he had burst in on me in the shower when I dropped the shampoo.
While he was in the shower, my mind wandered to why he couldn't keep control the night of my birthday. But I would not blame him. The one thing I knew was that he fought his blood lust on a constant basis. But something... something had changed.
I knew that he would want to know about what happened with Edward. I didn't want to have to tell that story, but I knew he was going to ask me. Whatever his plan was, it was obvious that it wouldn't include Edward. Edward was gone, and I assumed - based on his conversations with Emmett - that they didn't even know where he had gone.
God, I hated telling that story. To have to revisit all the things that Edward had said to me in the forest had broken my heart all over again. I never wanted to even think of it again. I felt like I died when he told me I was no good for him.
Jasper's revelations about Edward...well, I just lost it. I was in shock that he would even talk about his brother that way. Edward had always treated me with respect. Always. Edward never made me do anything I didn't want to do...well, except for prom. Edward had said that he didn't want me to center myself around him and that I needed go through the normal experiences that teenagers had. But going to a mall or hanging with Jessica Stanley just wasn't my thing. I had loved him more than anything. He never could understand why I just wanted to be with him. He was all I needed.
Jasper had hit on a sensitive subject when he started talking about equality and our intimate relationship. I couldn't even believe he went there. That was a very private matter, and I was glad he didn't dissect that. But what he said made sense. Edward has been alive for years. Edward always ended any of my advances towards him in my efforts to expand our intimate relationship.
It always made me feel unattractive and unwanted, even after he would tell me I was 'tempting him'...or 'I wish we could, but it isn't possible'. I was constantly reminded that he could lose control and kill me. He had never even wanted to try. I did understand, but still. I always felt rejected when I would cross the line and he would pull away.
Jasper had said that Edward loved me and that he would always love me. But to say that he was a coward, though, was harsh. Edward had never been a coward. Edward had admitted his weakness for me - for my blood - time and time again. So, I didn't agree with this. But I wasn't about to tell Jasper that. He was entitled to his opinion. And the truth was, I didn't have the energy or the will to argue.
But he was right. So right. Edward never would have made me his equal. All the times we discussed - or more so, I discussed - the issue of changing me, he would not even consider it, even if it would have meant spending forever with him. I would live my life. That was the way it was supposed to be. This was why I finally accepted that Edward's love had not been strong enough. If his love had been strong enough, he would have wanted to keep me with him forever.
So it was over. Edward and I were over. I just had to accept it. And I would. It would take time, but I would. A part of me would always love him and I would never forget him. I knew I might never move on, or love someone the way I loved him, but I would accept that it was over, and I would try.
I lost all control of my faculties when I realized this. Jasper had helped me realize it. And I was pretty sure that I had startled Jasper when I flung myself at him. But he caught me and he held me tightly. I knew he was probably uncomfortable - I probably smelled really good, but he didn't let go. He didn't push me away.
I was grateful for that. He had saved my life twice in the last twenty four hours. How did I repay that? I couldn't even begin to imagine.
So, what was done was done. I had bigger problems to worry about anyways. There was a psychotic bitch after me who wanted to avenge her mate. I was on the run, and I didn't know how my father - who was being watched by the neighborhood werewolves - was taking my disappearance. Or my mother. And I had to figure out how I was going to lie to my father and tell him I had ran away with Edward.
I hoped he was enjoying his distractions, because mine were trying to kill me.
I started thinking about where we were going. Nampa, Idaho. Jasper had said he had friends there. I almost asked him if they were vegetarians, but I had the distinct feeling that they weren't. With this also came the realization that I would be seeing the rest of the Cullens. I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about that. They had left Forks and hadn't even said goodbye. Even Jasper had been leaving. If he hadn't stopped for gas, I would have been killed. Still, though, I wanted to see them.
That's when it hit me. Someone was missing. I opened my eyes and looked at Jasper, who looked like he was deep in thought.
"Jasper, where's Alice?"
Jasper tensed and immediately started gripping the wheel tightly. And for a second I was sure he was going to snap it again. I sat my chair up and looked into his face, but he kept staring straight ahead.
I kept staring and he turned his head to me a fraction, and I met his eyes.
All I saw was desolation. He shifted his eyes away from mine, and I started to panic. Where the hell was she? And then I felt it. I felt an overwhelming sense of dread. Sadness. Loss. Extreme loss.
My eyes widened, and I finally found my voice. "Jasper, where the hell is Alice?"
Jasper's head snapped over and finally fully met my eyes. I do believe I would have liked to have seen him angry instead.
Jasper sighed and looked straight ahead again, but he slowed down and started pulling the car off to the side of the road. When we stopped, he turned his head away and stared out the driver's side window. His right hand was on his lap, and he was rubbing his fingers down the palm of his hand, over and over. He let out a long sigh.
"Alice is gone. She left three days ago, right after your birthday. She had a vision taking her away from the family to find the life that she lost so long ago. That's what she said, anyways. She needed to go find her destiny, so that's where she went. She's gone." Jasper turned his head and looked out the windshield. His lips were in a tight line and his face was frozen.
I just stared at him. What was he saying? She was gone? Gone where? What the hell? I knew I needed to stay calm, and I knew this wasn't going to be good. I had figured that much out.
"I don't quite understand. When is she coming back?"
Jasper sighed and closed his eyes for a second or two, and then opened them up and looked back out the driver's side window.
"She isn't coming back. After your birthday party, she told me she was leaving. She was upset because she hadn't had a vision since you were attacked by James. She believed that she was no longer destined to be with me, so...she's seeking her destiny... and the life that was lost to her. She had a vision that night, right after I tried to kill you."
Jasper glanced over at me. I couldn't talk. I knew I had to be giving him a horrified and confused look because that's exactly how I felt.
Jasper turned his head and looked back out his window.
"She wouldn't go into specifics about the vision she had, or where she was going. Alice has always relied on her visions. Her gift has been with her ever since she woke up as a vampire. You know she didn't remember anything from her human life. You know she woke up alone. She's always felt like a part of her was lost, and maybe it was. Well, she had that vision and she's had to follow it. She needed to do it for herself."
I couldn't believe it.
"So, you're telling me that Alice left because she told you that she had a vision that saw her seeking out a new life for herself? Is that what you're saying? She left the family, and...she left you? Is that what you're saying?"
Jasper must have heard the horror in my voice because he looked at me with caution before answering.
"Yes."
No...No...No. This was not happening. Vampires didn't split up! They mated, and they mated for life. How could she!? How could she leave him?
He needed her. I couldn't help but wonder if it was because of what happened at the birthday party. I was appalled. I was...angry.
"Jasper, I am so sorry. So, so sorry. But that has to be the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. She left the family...left you...because she couldn't see the future anymore?! Not only is that a lie, but that's the most pathetic excuse she could have given you. You don't leave someone because you can't actually see your future anymore. I understand that she has always had her visions to guide her, and that she relied on them more than anything when she knew nothing. But you don't leave your family, and you don't abandon your husband to go find a new destiny because a vision told you to. That...that's just wrong."
Jasper had looked over at me before I had even started talking - well, half yelling. I was angry. I was so damn mad. How could she do that to him? How long had they been together? Fifty, sixty years?
Jasper gave me a reproachful look, but he had a slight grin on his face, no doubt feeling everything I was putting out.
"Christ, Bella. How come you can get fired up about my wife leaving me for a bullshit reason, but you couldn't fire yourself up to tell Edward to grow the fuck up and grow a set?"
I was pissed.
"Jasper, watch your mouth. And quit swearing so much. And don't change the subject. The two of you have been together for a very long time. Aren't you supposed to be together forever? Are you not upset that your wife has left you because she literally couldn't see a future with you anymore?"
Jasper's face winced when I said that, and he looked out the window again.
I groaned. "Jasper, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to sound so bad. It's just... Listen, Alice's visions are not set in stone. They're subjective. How could she choose an unknown future, and not choose you? I'm sorry, but I just can't wrap my head around that. Did you fight for her, Jasper?"
Jasper looked over at me and gave me a proud smile, but it was pained.
"Bella, there isn't a thing you've said that I didn't think or say to her. I've lived with Alice all this time and I know how much she relies on her visions. I asked her if she would have wanted one constant thing, wouldn't she have wanted it to be me? She chose. There's nothing I can do. I cannot compete with the unknown and that is exactly what I would be doing."
He took a deep breath and looked out the window. "I'm a fighter, Bella. I always have been. And I do fight the fights that need to be fought. But I also know Alice. She has supported me through the most difficult times. She showed me a way to exist without taking human life, and she brought me to our family. A long time ago, I never would have thought I could have that."
He looked at me softly.
"From where I came from, it just wasn't possible. I owe her everything. I will always love her. She wanted me to release her, to let her go, and I love her too much to cause her unnecessary pain. So I let her go. Believe me, I didn't want to. But she already resented me. I think partly because I tried to kill her best friend that night. You know firsthand now what I'm capable of, but Alice has known for years. It's not just been a struggle for me. It's been a struggle for her, too."
I listened to the facts, but I still couldn't understand it. We were silent for what seemed like forever. No matter what anyone said, that one little, careless mistake - that damn paper cut - changed the courses of our lives forever.
Jasper was still looking in my eyes. I was trying to keep the tears at bay, but they were going to fall. The bunny was locked into my elbow, and Jasper reached over and tugged the ears. His face turned a little hard and he pegged me with a look.
"You can stop that shit right now. You will not blame yourself for this. This is all on me. So you erase whatever you thought from that pretty little head of yours."
"I can't help it. If I had only just been more careful," I started to cry.
"Don't piss me off, Bella."
I acquiesced. I could have probably argued with him about this until I was blue in the face and he was looking like death around the corner. His index finger brushed a tear away that had fallen, and I looked up. His eyes were warm.
"Tell me something... What do you mean 'Alice lied'? What do you mean by that?"
I wanted to back up for this, but there was no where to go. His wife had lied to him, and I was damn well going to tell him the truth.
"Alice didn't stop having visions, Jasper. I know that for a fact. She had plenty of visions of Edward and me over the summer. She even knew what my presents were for my birthday. She even told me what kind of grade I would get on my English essay, which is due a week from now."
I watched his face. He was still looking at me, but he was far away. I could only describe it as desolation. He turned back to the front, and looked out the windshield, while slowly shaking his head.
"Why would she have lied? Why didn't I know she was lying? I would have let her go without it."
He looked over at me. The pained look was not gone. How did I answer that? I had no idea. There was nothing I could say that would take what he lost away. I said the only thing I could think of.
"I don't know. I am so sorry." I paused and looked down, and I noticed I was holding the bunny tightly to my chest. I held it out to him. "Would you like to borrow my bunny?"
Jasper chortled somewhat, raising his eyebrows in a quick flash, and grinned.
"That wouldn't be a great idea. I'd probably kill it."
I smiled at him, and his features softened. He started the car again and pulled back onto the interstate.
"Get some sleep, Bella. No more talking. We're never gonna get there."
I sighed and put the chair back, and I watched Jasper for a little bit. He was deep in thought, and he looked a little pissed.
Alice, what the hell have you done?