It was a blur as the peacekeepers pushed us four tributes across the train station. Reporters shoved cameras into our faces, asking questions and snapping pictures as we struggled to board the train. I felt close to tears as I pushed past them. Haymitch was several people ahead of me, but for my ability to reach him, he might as well have been in a different district. I wanted him to look back at me and lend me a reassuring smile but I knew he wouldn't. He wouldn't give the Capitol that sort of power. He wouldn't let them know the pain they were causing us.

Soon we were on the train and the door was securely closed, protecting us from the throng in the station but also condemning us to our fate. Beta led the four of us tributes to our compartments and told us that we would reach the capitol the next day; also that she would fetch us for dinner in an hour. I slid my compartment door shut as soon as she turned away. I sank onto the fine bed that had been made for me and took deep, soothing breaths. I felt sick to my stomach and I wanted to cry, but I knew I needed to be strong, if not for myself for the boy I loved. I needed to make it through the next week with as much pose as I could manage before I was thrown into the arena. I needed to be prepared so that I could give Haymitch his best shot.

I walked over to the dresser with the Capitol supplied cloths. I pulled out a gray dress that was much finer than my own and slid it on. The fabric felt like cool water against my skin. Carefully I pinned the Mockingjay to my undershirt where it was not visible. The metal burned against my skin. It felt like my very own little rebellion. On the surface I was the perfect image of a tribute, a fresh faced lamb readied for the slaughter, but beneath I was really a wolf, prepared to take as many Capitol sheep with me as I could before I died. I smoothed down the dress as a knock from my door startled me. An hour had not passed yet so it couldn't be Beta. I slid the door open and lips crashed into mine before I could offer a greeting.

Haymitch slid the door closed behind us without pulling his lips from mine even for a second. His arms wrapped tightly around me. He clutched the watery fabric of my dress so tight that I thought it would rip. But I didn't voice that concern, what did I care if he ruined the dress? He could ruin anything that belonged to the Capitol as far as I was concerned. Besides, I didn't want to do anything but kiss him back with everything that I had to give for all the time that I had left. I felt so much stronger than I had all day, because he was with me. He was so strong and I could be strong for him.

"I'm sorry." He whispered softly against my skin as we both gasped for breath.

"It's not your fault." I assure him, pulling him closer. Any space between us made me feel horribly cold and alone. His arms tightened around me.

"I never should have let this happen to you." He growled angrily. "I should have taken you far away from that cursed place. I should never have let it come to this."

"You didn't know." I replied, brushing his dark hair from his eyes. "We didn't know."

He trailed his soft lips over my face. Kissing my jaw, my cheeks, my eyelids and finally his lips found mine, I sighed. I felt so safe in his arms like nothing could reach me, nothing could hurt me so long as he held me.

"I will get you home May." He promised me. The promise made my blood turn cold, because he couldn't know that my plan would make his promise completely impossible. "I won't let anything happen to you."

I smiled, but I could only hope that it didn't look as forced as it felt.

"I love you." I whispered into his neck.

"I love you too." He replied. His grip of me loosened. "But Panem can't know that, May."

"I think they already do." I admitted. He pushed me back so that he could see my face.

"What do you mean?" He demanded his expression stony, but I knew the anger wasn't directed at me. Before I could reply, he offered the answer. "Melody."

"She told Grime. I'm sure that's why we were drawn." I said. His expression relaxed.

"We can work with that May, the Capitol won't want the audience to know that we were sent to the arena as punishment. The districts wouldn't appreciate knowing that the reaping was rigged. They won't let this get out." Haymitch said. "That means they can't make a public example of us. There's no point in ensuring we both die in the arena. It wouldn't do anything for them. There's a chance one of us can live."

"If anything they'd achieve more if one of us lived." I whispered dismally. I imagined what my life would be like if I survived the arena, only to suffer through a lifetime without Haymitch. I decided that some things were worse than death.

"Exactly," Haymitch replied. I shook my head.

"No Haymitch." I said. "Just be with me. Stay with me until it's over. I don't want to make it out without you."

"Maysilee." He started to argue, but I silenced him with a kiss.

"Please, let's just spend every second we have left together. Let's forget it all." I begged.

"I can't let you die." He snapped, his eyes were hard, but I knew that mine were just as determined.

"You should go." I replied. He looked hurt and confused so I clarified. "Beta will be back soon."

He nodded and walked away without a goodbye kiss. As the door closed behind him I was struck by a troubling thought.

How could I save someone who didn't want to be saved?

This question was still plaguing me when Beta Dinkerman came to inform me that it was time for dinner. I trailed behind her listlessly as she led the way to the dinner cart. Haymitch was already there, sitting next to Ruma. Thaton sat on the other end of the table. Rather than sitting next to Haymitch, I chose a spot near Thaton.

I figured it was best to be discreet, best not to advertise that we knew each other, let alone loved each other. Too much time together in public and something might slip out. I was afraid of the emotions that brewed too close to the surface for comfort when I was with him, afraid that others would sense it.

I couldn't let the others see how deeply I cared for him. If I was going to save him from the Capitol, this was the only way. He was planning to die for me, but I wouldn't let him. I couldn't let it happen. He was everything that made my life worth living. If I lost him, I would lose my will to live. It would be better to die for love than to live because I was too much of a coward to save him. I knew that I would die either way, either at someone else's hands or at my own. I would have loved to be at his side. To touch him. To hold on to him for every second I had left, but that wouldn't help either of us. For now the best thing I could do was keep my love for him hidden from the Capitol, just like my pin, my secret rebellion.

I felt distant and detached as I ate my way through several courses at dinner. I talked little and laughed even less even though Beta proved to be quite talkative and surprisingly witty for a Capital stooge. After the last plate was cleared away, Beta led us into a compartment with a television to watch the recap of the reaping. I stared blankly as name after name was called summoning the districts children to their imminent death. No one really made a lasting impression on me. All but one would be dead in a matter of weeks, and if I had my way the one left would be Haymitch, so what did they really matter?

I wasn't even that phased when my name was call for the second time. But I stiffened when Haymitch's name was called. I realized as tears burned my eyes that I was far more disturbed by the idea of his death than I was at the thought of my own. That was good though, if I could just remember the reason why I had to keep fighting, that might make the end easier when it came time to die.

Beta began to jabber on about the schedule for the next several days as the recap ended. I couldn't make my mind focus on what she was saying. I was too busy considering my own death, and planning Haymitch's survival. He was strong. Losing me would hurt him, but not irreparably. I would be lost without him but he would recover. It was a strange notion to realize that I love him more than he loved me. It seemed like it should have hurt to realize, but I was grateful for the knowledge. He would survive me, perhaps he would even love again. Some strong featured Seam girl with gray eyes and dark hair and an iron will to match his mother's. I didn't like that thought, but it was better than the idea of him cold and stiff, gone forever. No, I would want him to be happy, even if it was impossible for him to be happy with me. He would move his mother and Paxton to Victor's Village. They would be content. Eventually he would forget about the ill-fated girl from the Town. He'd forget about the girl who died for him. I would be the girl who became a faded memory.

"Maysilee?" Beta asked, she had probably said my name several times. I wasn't listening. I looked at her and smiled. "Would you like me to wake you in the morning?"

I nodded and offered her my thanks. Beta seemed pleased by this and informed us she would fetch us for breakfast at eight the next morning. She then wished us good night and left. Ruma and Thaton followed her example rather quickly, most likely exhausted from the emotionally draining day.

I didn't move though. I was tired but I stared at the blank screen of the television again. I could feel Haymitch's eyes on me from his seat in a plush armchair to my left, but I didn't look at him. He wouldn't leave until I did, I was glad of that but I didn't want to talk, not just yet. I just stared, I didn't even blink. Just stared. I didn't know how to go on. I didn't know how best to handle this situation. Should I push Haymitch away or hold him tightly for as long as possible. I didn't want to lose a single second with him when there was no telling how many seconds we had left, only that they were numbered.

I felt the cushion beside me shift as he came to my side. His lips pressed against the bare skin of my shoulder and a thrill ran through me.

"Never again." He whispered against the exposed skin. I broke my stare and looked at him in confusion. "You promised you'd never say goodbye to me again."

His gray eyes bore into mine as he struggled to read my thoughts. I knew that my expression was blank and distant, not because I didn't feel all of this acutely, but rather it was all too much and I was drowning in the flood of emotion.

He wasn't sure what exactly I was thinking, but he had a good idea. He knew I wasn't planning on surviving. He wanted me to remember that I promised I would never leave him again, but that promise no longer seemed to matter. One of us was going to leave the other, the Capitol would make sure of it. What did it matter who said the goodbye?

"I won't say goodbye," I promised.

His expression turned cold and he grabbed my jaw a little rougher than he intended to.

"Maysilee." He whispered urgently. "Promise me that you will live."

I looked away from him. I couldn't lie to him, but he couldn't hear the truth either.

"Maysi." He plead. "You have to know how much you mean to me. I cannot live without you."

I turned to face him and wrapped my arms around him. I couldn't tell him what he wanted to hear. I brushed his dark hair out of his face and smiled at him. It hurt to smile, because it was a reminder that we could not stay this way forever. We didn't have a future. But that couldn't take away the future I'd imagined for us.

"I would have married you, Haymitch Abernathy." I told him, the words slipped out without any forethought. "If things had turned out differently."

Haymitch laughed even though my words were not funny, not really.

"I would have asked you." He replied, I laughed considering how forward and presumptuous my confession sounded.

"Do you think we would have been happy?" I asked as his arms tightened around me.

"I'm sure of it." He said. He pressed a kiss to the top of my head.

"We never would have been accepted, not by the Town or the Seam." I pointed out, but none of the difficulties we would have face with a real future seemed to matter now that they would never happen.

"Doesn't matter. We would have been together." He said. "That would have been enough."

"I guess there's not use in wishing for those things now, is there?" I asked, my throat tightened painfully as I thought of the wedding we'd never have, the children we'd never raise, the old age we'd never share side by side. Haymitch stiffened beside me and then let go of me. I tried to turn and ask him what was wrong, but his calloused finger pressed against my lips to silence me. He stepped in front of me and pulled me to my feet.

"Maybe we don't have a future, Maysilee Donner." He admitted. He stared into my eyes with such intensity that it was hard not to look away. "But I want nothing more than to share the present with you." He sank down to one knee. "Will you marry me?"

I stared at him blankly for a long time as the words slowly sunk in. I started to cry and threw my arms around him.

"Yes." I sobbed in his ear. I heard him laugh at me. I knew this would just make goodbyes harder, but I could take hard. I just wanted to live as much of my life as I could over the next few days. If I succeeded in my plan, I would be dead in a couple weeks. If I failed, I'd be dead as soon as I stepped off the train in District 12.

When the tears finally stopped pouring down my cheeks, Haymitch took me by the hand and we snuck through the train. We found the compartment that housed the kitchen and stole a slice of bread, a candle, and a couple matches. We found an empty compartment and knelt together in the shadows.

Haymitch struck a match and lit the candle. He looked so handsome in the soft glow of its light. Our fingers brushed as we held the bread over the small flame. The heat radiated through my fingers and another flame glowed in my chest.

"I will love you all the days of my life." Haymitch whispered the vow that I had heard at every toasting ceremony I had ever attended. "You are my beloved, you are my cherished one. May our hearts beat as one now and forever more."

"May we lift each other in sorrow." I continued as we flipped the bread which was beginning to brown on one side. "And may joy be ever near our home. You are my home."

"As I am yours, may you ever be mine." Haymitch whispered.

"As you are mine, I will always be yours." I promised. Gently we tore the slice of bread in half and fed each other from our half. We were not married in the legal sense. But he was my husband, far more now than we would have been with a slip of paper from the Capitol.

Haymitch blew out the candle and I lead him carefully through the train. When we reached my compartment, he lifted me up and carried me in. We closed and locked the door. I was sure Beta Dinkerman was fast asleep, and I doubted that anyone else would invade my privacy, but nevertheless we were cautious.

We made love for the first time. It was a perfect moment in our crumbling world. He held me in his arms. I knew he would leave before morning because we could not be discovered. I tried not to think about that though, or the days that would follow. For a few moments the world existed solely for us. The games didn't loom over us, instead we whispered plans for the future we would never have.

We decided the names we would give our children. A girl and two boys. He said he wanted them to look just like me. But I insisted that they should look like him. His hair, his dark skin, his strong jaw, and his eyes. His disarming eyes that made me love him so much more than I ever imagined I could. I liked the idea of looking into little faces that looked just like him. I imagine those babies, babies that will never exist. I felt a vicious flare of gratitude that our imaginary children would never die for the Capitol's amusement. For a moment I'm glad for our fate. We will never bring precious children with Haymitch's eyes into the world only to watch them be slaughtered. I pushed away my dark thoughts and returned to the paradise we created just for the two of us.

We talked and laughed and I could believe that fifty years later he would have held me the same way. He would have still looked at me with that quiet adoration that made me feel so safe and loved. He would love me even after the years had faded my pretty face with hardship and sorrows. He would have loved me in that imaginary future even more than he did now. We would have children and grandchildren, and in our world there would be no threat of the Hunger Games to steal them from us. In those stolen hours we planned out our entire lives. It was beautiful, but it would never be. I wrapped myself closer to him resting my head on his chest, breathing deep the smoky scent that was so distinctly his own.

I knew I was about to fall asleep, but before I did, I whispered something I wasn't sure he would hear and knew he couldn't promise, but I said it anyway. "Please don't leave me."

"Never."

Sorry for the late update, I've been sick.

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