A/N A lot of people ask me how old RM is. That conversation is coming. When I started writing and mapping out each chapter, I really didn't expect this to go farther than 12 chapters but I kept on adding parts here and there. I'm actually having a lot of fun, so just a heads up this is going to be a long fic. If you've read Stigmatic you know I'm long winded anyhow, lol.

Induratize (v.) to make one's own heart hardened or resistant to someone's pleas or advances, or to the idea of love.

Negan doesn't even acknowledge me in the morning. I guess to him our last exchange was that argument we had. Maybe that was his plan all along. Get me vulnerable to disregard me like all the times I did him. It doesn't get any better come that night. I walked in on Negan balls deep in nympho wife so I've been pacing outside his door waiting for them to finish. Goddammit, and they've been in there for like an hour. Since when the fuck does he even need ten minutes to fire one off? Fuck it, I'm tired as a motherfucker. I'll slip in quietly, get my things, and leave. The only problem is when I step inside… I'm not leaving. I just stand there and stare at his bed. He's sleeping with that bitch wrinkle. His face is planted between her huge fake Christmas hams. Whatever, I don't know why I fucking care. At least I can get some sleep now.

This continues to be a nightly occurrence. If it's not the bitch wrinkle nympho wife, it's dumb and or dumber.

"Out," Negan barks at me.

"I'm trying to finish this picture book-" Oh. I see. Two girls are already at his side. It's not like I have any say in this. I'm a good little submissive fuck and march myself into the parlor.

Nympho wife snickers at me.

I don't give a dead trash squirrel's last shit and carry on with my business. "Sherry, what's in this cabinet?"

"I think booze."

My eyes roam the inside of the cabinet. It's some half empty box of a few scotch bottles, a mousetrap, and some random tools. Oh! Lights! These are badass. I use the one tool to take the door off the cabinet, then throw the mousetrap away. The rest of the scotch is put on the bar. Yes! Now I have a small little space for me away from Lord dingus. I hang my lights using duct tape, then drape a sheet for privacy.

Sherry laughs, folding her arms. "That's pretty cool, actually."

"Do you wanna come inside?"

"I don't think I'll fit."

"Who's coming in who? What won't fit? What the fuck am I walking into?" Negan smirks, snaking his arms around Sherry. "I like where this is going."

Sherry rolls her eyes, shoving Negan off her.

"Come on, RM. Bed."

I close my curtain so I don't have to see him.

"Fine, fuck all you bitches. I got what I wanted anyhow."

This cabinet is paying off already.

After three nights in my cabinet, my back was starting to hurt so I had to return to sleep in Negan's room. We haven't said one word to each other. Negan forgot about me when everyone got to spend their points in the supply room. I'm running low on cigarettes and I only have one more cup of Raymond's soup. Guess it will have to get me through the week because he hasn't been bringing me any alien food either. I've been spending most of my time on this school shit. It's hard because all the other children are way more advanced than I am, but I've managed to learn a few words. I still can't read this skeleton book yet. I got it from the doctor. Why do the hard ones to read have to have the coolest pictures?

Negan didn't come home last night. He slept with bitch wrinkle on her bed. I tried to ask him about breakfast but he ignores me and goes about his day. I'm using these letter magnets when he comes home.

"What ten words did you learn today?"

I hand him my paper.

"This one isn't right." He corrects 'flammable' for me and hands it back so I can study it. "Speaking of flammable, I'll be back. Gonna go throw some wood in. Heh. Get it?"

I don't respond.

"You mad at me?"

I shake my head no and use my letter magnets to work on this word. There's another package I open so I can have more than one of each letter.

"Well, what's wrong? You sick or something?"

I spell out the word no.

He kneels down, letting out a grunt as his joints pop. "Something is wrong."

I don't really have anything to say to him, and spell out nothing.

"Bullshit, RM. Talk to me."

My eyes burn back at his. "Do I gotta let you fuck me so you'll make time for me?"

He's speechless, just squatting there all dumpy like.

"Forget it, man."

"I thought you'd appreciate the space."

Trust no man.

That's what Mama always said. I'm such a fool for ever even considering letting him touch my beauties. "Then give me my goddamn space so I can do my work." I watch him launch some ceramic fuckery across his room. Laughing about it sure doesn't calm him down but what a fucking baby.

Negan continues his shit ass mood today as he grumbles about inventory. He called poor Carson in here and chewed him up one side and down the other like it's his fault. Now he's chewing out my cute little Cheeto Simon. I crawl up on his bed and put the sheet over me, then slip on my sunglasses. "Wooooooooooooooo."

"Knock it the fuck off."

I launch myself across the bed thinking he'll catch me. Well... he didn't, and I land on his end table as I take it and myself to the floor. Oh, Jesus, fuck, why?!

He shoves it off me, making it clear he ain't happy. "RM, I ain't in the fucking mood."

Ouch. I rub my bloody elbow. "Yeah, no shit you ain't in the fucking mood."

"Shut the fuck up, RM."

"Fine." After three run-ins with the wall later, I find his door. Once I'm in the parlor, I start messing with his wives. Grump and grumpier aren't having my shit as they put it. Amber dismisses me like the others. "Woooooooooo!"

"RM, what are you like eleven?"

"I don't know," I mumble.

"Get in this room, now," Negan yells across the parlor.

I pull the sheet off my head and throw it to the ground. "Fuck a bunch of you guys. Everyone acts so goddamn put out by my shit all the time like all of you aren't annoying as a motherfucker with your goddamn negativity! You start off your fucking day bitching at each other over every little thing. Oh, but let's make fun of me because I'm trying to make light of this shit fucking situation." I march my ass from the parlor and leave them to their fucking misery. I've had it with their shit. I've had it with everyone's shit. Big fucking deal if the world has ended. Does that mean we live the rest of our lives in fear and pissed off? I sure fucking ain't. No goddamn way. I wasn't about that shit before and I ain't about that shit now. "Could I trouble you for a bandaid, or are you in a shitty mood today, too?"

The doctor slides open one of the drawers and hands it to me.

"Thank you." I keep trying to stick the thing to my elbow. "This one is broken."

He narrows his eyes and takes it back. "Here."

I don't know how he did it but it works now. Guess I'll let Negan cool down and start for the basement to play. It's a fucking gold mine of things to play with like these rickety carts. I like to stand in them and push myself around with one of the broken boards. "Oh. Hi."

Dwight gives me a smile. "Been a while."

"Yeah. I never see you."

"You staying clean?"

I show him my arm.

"That's real good, RM." Dwight presses his lips to my forehead.

I take it as an invitation. I've got needs, too! "Wanna mess around?"

"What do you want in return?"

"I don't want anything."

"I better not, RM."

I trace my finger over the small bandaid on his stomach. "No one has to know."

"Well fucking well well. What do we have here?"

"Nothing," Dwight speaks for us.

Negan scratches the side of his face. "Surely you weren't about to touch another one of my wives?"

"No."

"Next time, it won't be your face I burn. Why don't you run the fuck along then and let me talk to RM here." Negan taunts Dwight all the way to the steps.

"Fuck you, you manipulative sack of fuck!"

Negan loses his grin real fast. "You fuck him or anyone else and your free ride is over."

I suppose I didn't really think about that.

He yanks me to him by my wrist and I'm drug up to the parlor. "Oh, Sherry? Why don't you ask RM where she was? Dwighty almost had another infraction of the rules." Negan stops me from going in his room. "Have a good night," he winks, locking his door.

I swallow hard and turn around to Sherry's fist. "Ow," I whimper. I'm struck several more times before Sherry breaks a nail and she's in too much pain to keep going.

"Go near him again and see if I stop."

I hate Sanctuary. I want to go home!

Can I go home now?

This... this is your home now.

I don't know you.

My name is Madsen.

I don't like this home.

If I only knew how good I had it then.

"RM, dinner."

Fuck. Finally. I haven't had anything to eat in days. Shit. We're eating as a group. They're equally surprised before I'm given a glare by each of them. I know his wives hate me. The druggie cunt is disrupting their normalcy they say, but never to Negan. The claws retract when the alpha male is present and I'm spared. For now.

"Here," Negan says, helping me put on a glove I guess he took from the doctor.

"Thank you." The rest of them are having some kind of… fucking I don't know what that shit is. Looks like something that used to come on the cooking show that takes a lot of time to make. I'm given my own special plate filled with, uh. "What are these again?"

"Grapes."

Oh, right. The shit your pants food.

Negan reaches inside his jacket and I'm given the smallest bag of Cheetos I have ever seen.

I giggle and take the bag. No one says anything while we eat. Negan probably fucked up and they're all mad at him.

"Chew with your mouth fucking closed," nympho wife gripes.

"Look, I might be a lot of things but a slob ain't one of them. Chips are loud. Calm your tits."

"Leave her alone," Negan snaps. "She ain't hurting anyone. Someone get me something to drink."

I don't see anyone jumping at that opportunity so I guess I'll make myself useful. He was kind enough to take into consideration the foods I like. "I spelled that word right."

"We'll go over a few more after dinner."

"Okay," I smile.

"The fuck ever," nympho wife murmurs.

"What was that?" Negan leans over. "I didn't catch that."

"You heard me!"

Oh, shit's about to get real. Great, and I'm stuck in the middle while they both bicker back and forth. Gross, and spitting on me now.

"Not another word!"

"Whatever, Negan, you fucking hypocrite. We all are thinking it. The way you spend your time with this drugged out whore over your wives-"

"Pack your things and get out!"

"What?!"

I'm equally taken back. Negan and I haven't exactly been on speaking terms. Why the fuck would he take up for me? Plus, you know it's bad when this motherfucker doesn't curse. I know that all too well.

"Now," he bellows, flinging her plate across the parlor. "Anyone else wanna fucking add anything?"

"We weren't all thinking it," Sherry adds trying to keep the peace.

"You don't have to like each other, but you will fucking respect each other. Am I under-fucking-stood?"

"Yes." The response is unanimous.

It is kinda hypocritical if you think about it. Shit, I can count at least twenty times Negan called me a druggie whore or cunt, yet he banishes nympho wife for being disrespectful? Maybe some part of him really despises that side of him so when he sees others making those mistakes it sets him off.

We all jump when his bedroom door slams shut.

Good thing I've got my smokes on me.

I'm freezing my tits off, and my wet hair isn't helping. Damn, this is almost giving me the willpower to quit smoking. Almost. Nah. It'd take an act of god to get me to quit. I wouldn't even quit for Madsen.

"RM, it's twenty-five fucking degrees out here and your hair is wet."

"You don't know it's twenty-five fucking degrees out here."

He shows me the thermometer.

"Goddamn Gabriel Fahrenheit," I mumble.

"How the hell do you know who Gabriel Fahrenheit is?"

"Public broadcasting, dingus. That shit was free on the television."

He moves his jacket around me and if that ain't bad enough his arms lock around me before he tucks his face away in the crook of my neck. "I miss all those terrible nicknames you give me."

Don't fucking fall for this fake bullshit, RM. The more pathetic he becomes, the weaker I get, too.

He encloses any space between us.

I'm not real quick to pull away. He's warm, so fucking warm.

"I got rid of her, RM."

Something in me just fucking snapped. Negan, you bastard. He doesn't give a fuck about me. "You're just trying to think of what you're supposed to do now that your most eager wife is gone. I ain't your fucking back up booty call."

"You're not that special, bitch."

"That just proves my point."

He spins me around and holds me by the face.

"You're hurting me," I whimper.

"I am sick to death of your fucking mouth. The way you speak to me like I'm some fuckboy ends fucking now. Do you understand me? You fucking cunt!"

I know he wanted to hit me because I can hear his leather glove tighten from the fist he's making at his side.

"Answer me!"

I break free and trip, scuffing my knee. The rough tar on the roof rips these beauties. They're not my real beauties, but it's not an excuse. "I'm not going to allow you to treat me like shit!"

"If you don't like it, get out!"

"You're dumber than I thought if you think I'm staying here with you after this! You hurt these beauties!"

"RM, I'm not coming after you this time!"

"Fuck you, Negan. You never came after me to begin with. You sent Simon. Just like you sent him to get my shirt. He get my aliens, too?"

That pisses him off. "If you leave, that's it!" He follows after me screaming and yelling.

I don't know why he's so afraid to lose me. This is his doing! He fucks things up, yet he can't understand what he's done wrong. Maybe other girls put up with his shit but not me so I pack my things. "Madie would never treat me like this!" I only heard Madsen raise his voice one time and it was at Cheeto.

Mad, we've been working towards this deal for years. If you walk out to chase after some girl, it's over.

I don't give a fuck about any of this! I will not lose her, and she is not just some girl, Charlie.

Madsen was everything a real man was supposed to be. Not like this pathetic sack of sorry shit putting his hands on me to get a point across. "Watch my aliens until I can send for them, please."

Negan's brow furrows and this motherfucker is finally silent.

That look won't save you now because I feel nothing for you. I can try to play like I'm not scared, but the truth is as I descend down the steps I'm terrified. I fear that if I leave to go back to the Kingdom, Negan would hurt Ezekiel and his men. If I run and try to survive on my own, it's suicide because I know I can't bring myself to kill the dead and I promised Morgan that I'd value my life. "Carson, could I get a room, please?" Not being able to go to the supply room for the last few weeks has bled me dry. I have no food. No gloves. And I smoked my last cigarette up on the roof. I might be forced to quit after all. There's no way I can earn enough points by tomorrow for the supply room. Well, like mother, like daughter. I knock softly on the metal door, but it still seems to echo through Sanctuary.

When the door opens, Connor slides his hand up the frame. "Guess there's only one reason you're here," he smirks.

"I need a few things tomorrow. Will you write it down?" Mama always said get what you want from a man first, so I deny Connor tonight. This is all that I know. Selling myself for a few basic necessitates. Madsen would fucking puke if he could see me right now. I'm actually ashamed of myself, too.

"You and Negan ain't… you know."

"No. I left him."

"I have other things, too."

"Just the things on the list, please." Yeah, I wanted drugs, but being sober is my punishment for spreading my legs because I deserve to feel disgusting. I don't sleep that night knowing what's going to happen in the morning. It's not like I have a choice. I need these things. When that dreaded knock comes, it turns my stomach. I start to undress so what little I own isn't ripped. "Come in." I hang my head and slam my eyes shut as his boots inch closer. "Please... just… don't touch my stockings." Leather swallows me entirely. I pick up my head to see Negan kneeling in front of me. "How did you know?"

"When Connor asked where the gloves were."

I close his jacket tighter around my naked flesh.

"RM," he frowns, touching my cheek. "I didn't put the point system in place so women felt like they had to be my wives, or sell their bodies for some shampoo. Jesus fucking Christ, I did it so people would pull their fucking weight."

"I don't have a choice. I... I need these things, and I don't have the points!"

Negan's eyes sink a bit as he shakes his head side to side. "I'm..." His eyes well up until they can't hold back any longer and the barrier breaks. "I never wanted that," he stammers. Tears soil my beauties as he lowers his head. "I'm sorry."

I understand why Lucille told him he was making a scene when he cried in the park that day. Here is someone that prides himself on masculinity. Watching it fall to fuck so there's just some pathetic shell of a man is the most frightening thing I have ever seen. "I brought this on myself."

"You can't blame yourself for this. It's my fault."

"This has nothing to do with you!"

"I forced you into selling yourself for a bag of fucking chips. Just like I force my wives to be with me so they don't have to earn points."

"Now you're just being ridiculous. You of all people being against sexual violence like you are would never force a woman into something. They chose to be your wife."

"So I just forced you then."

"You're taking this the wrong way. I don't have a choice because of decisions I made. Decisions that got me to this point."

Negan is so fucking distraught, he just stares back at me blankly.

"Ask them what they think, and I'm telling you you're making this shit up."

"I think I'm going to fucking puke."

"No, you're not! March your pancake ass up the steps and ask them." I know he's upset because he doesn't even try to retort.

Instead, he swipes my hand and I'm pulled up the steps with him. Don't really know why he needs me, but I guess if it makes him feel better. His fingers tighten around mine as his girls gather in close. "I know you're with me so you don't have to earn points, but is it also because you feel like there's no other way?"

I see it in their faces because it's the same look I gave him. That his thinking is absurd.

"No." The response is unanimous from the girls.

"I told you," I whisper up to him, untangling our fingers. "Goodnight." As I start down the steps, he comes after me.

"Will you stay?"

"No. I'm going back to my room."

"Please, RM. I know after everything I fucking did to you I don't have the right to stand here and ask that of you, but I don't wanna fucking be alone."

"Ask one of your wives."

"Don't fucking leave me!" This motherfucker actually gets down on his knees.

"I'm not going back to your room. You hurt me!" I shake my head at him and hand back his jacket before I start for my room. Fuck! I'm right back to where I fucking was. Another day with no food and it doesn't look like it's going to be any better.

My mattress is crunchy when I wake up. "What the fuck?" When I sit out of bed, I realize that I rolled over on a bag of Cheetos. In fact, my room is filled with gift things. Boxes and boxes of nitrile gloves. Bags of Cheetos. Cups of Raymond's soup. My aliens are all in the corner. One is even wearing a new shirt. Maybe I'm just a stubborn bitch, but I'm not buying any of this shit. Well, that's what I fucking thought until I see a pair of beauties on my makeshift end table. The beauties he hurt on the roof have a bandaid over the part he ripped. I scoop them up and run from my room to find him in the parlor.

He's hunched over on one of the lounges as he rubs his forehead.

"Here. Drink this," Sherry tells him, handing over a steaming metal tin mug. "And take these." She puts something in his palm.

He grits his teeth, rolling his shoulder in pain. It's bloody, bruised, and scratched as he seems to be having one hell of a time moving it. His heavy eyes catch mine as he's swallowing his pills. Negan isn't one to show shame but it's written all over his face. It's more than him putting his hands on me, it's that I wasn't supposed to see him hurt like this. He's completely silent and I know it's because he doesn't want my pity.

I stretch my arm in front of me holding these beauties out.

"I never meant to hurt them." He's the only person that's ever referred to them as if they were real. "Will you come home?"

"I'm pissed the fuck off!" I've never seen someone just let go of a drink, but he did.

Dropped that motherfucker and went right for his room. He slams the door so hard it cracks.

"Fucking idiot," I murmur. I might be mad at this motherfucker, but I sure ain't too mad to take his gifts, and I can't wait to finally eat something.

They've left the furnaces going which helps to heat some of Sanctuary but unless you're in the cafeteria it doesn't do much good. I tried to sleep near it on the floor but apparently, it's not allowed and I got yelled at. Nor is sleeping on one of the tables in the cafeteria. If only I had some type of blanket to keep me warm. Guess I could put on a third pair of beauties. Damn, this shirt dingus got me is actually pretty cool. It's a white cut off with little alien heads all over it. I'll use this for a blanket. I hope winter is over soon. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I figured maybe my plan to stay warm worked until I realize I've acquired a new piece of clothing. One heavy worn-in leather jacket. That's not the only new accessory. His large arm drapes over me, pinning me down. Maybe it's for his own safety so I don't haul off and smack him. Not that I would.

"RM, before you say anything I know you're fucking pissed-"

"You don't know fuck all, bitch."

"I know that I fucked up."

"Leave me alone!"

"Just let me try. I never meant to hurt you or them."

Goddammit. When he talks about my beauties like this it makes me feel guilty for being mad at the fucker.

"It's more than just you being upset with me. People are going to start realizing you're not a wife anymore."

"I haven't been your wife for months."

"You know what I fucking mean. What happens when temptation becomes too much and that needle goes back into your arm?"

"I don't know," I yell.

"If you're willing to throw that pussy at Connor for some gloves do you really think you're ready to be on your own?"

"He offered me drugs but I didn't take them."

"This time."

I sigh, tracing some of the design sewn in the mattress. "Fine. Fucking fine. You want the truth? I hate being sober. I miss the drugs. Miss not giving a fuck because I guaran-goddamn-tee I wouldn't be this fucking worked up over shit."

He stills my fidgeting hand. "I know, believe me, I fucking know."

Maybe in some weird way, he needs me. I flip around as I bring my eyes up to meet his. "Do you have bad days like me?"

"All the time, RM. Why do you think I'm so goddamn moody some days?"

"Why do you stay sober? For her?"

"For me. That's the only way you'll succeed. I wanted to be better for her, but she showed me that my life meant something."

"That's really fucking romantic." I roll my eyes in annoyance.

"Fuck you, RM."

"Fuck you, man. What the fuck do I have to live for? I ain't gonna cure this goddamn outbreak, or make a difference in someone's life. Tell me you gotta get sober for yourself? That's the dumbest shit I've ever fucking heard."

"Alright, bitch, so why stay sober?"

"Because all life is precious, and that means believing that mine is, too."

"Madsen say that to you?"

"No!"

"Fucking sorry, damn."

"You once told me that you worried when I got clean that maybe my personality was because of the drugs. You were right, and I sure was a lot more fucking fun on drugs."

"I don't buy that shit. You're always a bitch, drugs or not," he smirks.

"No. I'm a different person."

"How?"

"Like I'd be so fucked up I didn't care what I had to eat. I used to think I wasn't picky. Now every meal is a panic attack."

"We'll get through that. You're doing really well."

"At least on drugs I didn't feel stupid."

"You're not stupid."

"I heard what you told Sherry. About my mental… mental..."

"Mental capacity."

"See?!"

"RM, that is not your fault. I will help you."

"You're just wasting your time."

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself. That ain't you."

"Leave me alone."

"What if we-"

"What part of leave me the fuck alone don't you understand?"

As he starts for the door, he looks back at me. "When you find RM will you tell that funny bitch that I miss her?"

"She's gone."

"She'll find her way. She always does."

Things between Negan and I aren't the same. It's awkward, and conversation is forced and dry. That's if we speak. It isn't because he's not making an effort. It's me and my shit ass mood. There's not much I want to say to the fucker. I still have some resentment from the way he's treated me. Speaking of, it's dark so he should be home. I only have four words ready for him today. I don't even know why I bother with this shit.

"I know you don't want to live with me anymore, but that doesn't mean you can't go in my room."

"Call me crazy, but I'm not trying to be in the same room while I'm waiting for you to finish slamming the clam so we can go over these words."

"I haven't really been in the mood the last few nights."

I do a double take over my shoulder to make sure it's really Negan. Same dumpy face. Butthole chin. Long freaky legs. Scepter hanging loosely between his fingers. I turn my attention back to the book I'm reading. Well, I don't know that I'd call it reading. More like looking at the pictures of the skeletal system.

"Uh, that book's a little advanced for you. Don't you think?"

"Calling me stupid?"

"No! I just mean because there are words in there that I can't even pronounce."

"Yeah, well, you fucking know everything," I murmur, flipping my page.

He sighs and sets Lucille on my bed. "Will you move your alien so I can have a seat?"

"No. Shiva is sitting next to me."

This motherfucker tries to squeeze between me and the wall on the other side instead.

I couldn't be any more irritated than I already am.

"We scavenged today."

There's a part of me that feels bad for giving him the silent treatment or whatever the hell you want to call it. Being a bitch, I guess... At least I'm living up to my name. I get tired of all his grunts and groans as he tries to get situated and just move fucking over even though I was quite comfortable.

Negan notices my several attempts to write Madsen's name and sighs. "If I could bring him back some way, I would, RM."

"Fuck you, Negan. His death ain't a goddamn joke!"

"I wasn't trying to make it a joke!"

"Leave me alone!"

"How long are you going to be mad at me?"

"I tell you what. Bring him back and then I'll forgive you. Fucking shithead."

"I didn't say it to be shitty. I thought a lot about what you said. About the kind of man Madsen was. Even if you didn't have him as your basis for comparison there is no fucking excuse that makes it okay for me to put my hands on you. Christ, especially when I'm two feet and two hundred pounds bigger than you are. I also thought about that shitty stuff I said to Sherry. RM, I didn't say it to make you feel stupid. I handled that wrong. I never should have gone to her of all people." Negan sets a box down in front of me. "Here."

"More stuff from Simon?"

"No." He pushes the lid off.

I peek inside the box to see a pair of black boots. These have a zipper on the side instead of shoelaces, and all these cool safety pins in them. Fuck they're fucking cool.

"I got you these until you can figure out how to tie yours. And you're halfway there. You can tie a knot, you just gotta figure out the other half and I'll help you. Every day we can do shit little by little."

Tears fill my eyes as I zip up my new boots.

You didn't clean yourself.

I put the water on my body.

Here. This is called soap. You use it when you bathe.

"You were right when you told her that Madsen was something stable in my life. He taught me a lot of stuff like how you're doing."

"What if we did something together that reminded you of him? I mean, I look like the fuck."

"If that's your attempt to get inside my beauties, fuck you."

"As much as fucking you is at the top of my list, no. That's not what I mean. It's my attempt to cheer you up. What did you two like to do together?"

"Heroin. Then fuck." I really wasn't being sarcastic but I can read this motherfucker and he looks hurt. "I liked to watch him shave."

"Shave?"

"Yeah, you know, dingus, noun or verb depending on its usage. The removal of hair with a blade."

He chuckles, giving me a nod. "Alright, let's go shave then."

"I don't know about this."

"He can still live on through you. Through the memories."

This still seems like a bad idea, but I'm so empty inside. "Will you put on those gray pajama pants? Madsen had the same pair." I did find a certain satisfaction as his wives gave me dirty looks when stepping inside the parlor. It was even better when Negan told Dumber to shut up. I stick my tongue out at her before going in the bathroom. Luckily there's a decent sized counter so I can sit on while I watch- oh my god. "Why do you shave your face with a woman's razor?"

"That ain't a woman's razor!"

"If it ain't a straight razor, it's a woman's razor."

"I've been shaving with one of these for twenty-five years, bitch."

"Well, you've been shaving wrong." I hold the orange plastic stick up. "This? Going in the trash." I miss it entirely, but that ain't the point. "Keys."

"They're in my jeans."

I know I saw one of those straight razor sets in the supply room. Who would have thought I'd actually show the fucker something? This is going to be the best shave of his life. "Alright, dingus. Don't go and slit your fucking throat now."

"I'm not an idiot, bitch."

"If we're going to take this trip down memory lane, can you at least put some effort into being fucking nice to me?"

"Fucking fine."

"No swearing, either."

"You fucking shitting me right now? What kind of a man doesn't swear?"

"Look, this was your idea."

"I didn't say I'd pretend to be your boyfriend." He hooks my arm as I'm leaving. "Okay… I'll… try. Why'd he have a thing against swearing?"

"He wasn't against it and he'd swear occasionally but he had to be really pissed. Even then, he was still pretty chill. I only heard him raise his voice once."

"I'm starting to think the only thing we had in common was our looks."

"You'd be right about that."

"Well… maybe another thing." He softly grazes my elbow with a smile.

"You're wrong about that, too. Madsen wasn't affectionate. He said it was because of the way he grew up. He'd hold my hand sometimes, but I'm not affectionate, either. You were the first one that really showed me what it was like."

"I wasn't talking about affection. I was talking about you."

I twist around and look at myself in the mirror. What little there is to look at. My eyes move up to his. "Why do you like me?"

He takes his index fingers and tugs both corners of my lips upward.

I laugh and twist back around.

"That day when you were acting like a ghost I was a real fucking dickhead to you. I miss you, RM. How you'd wake up in a playful mood, and go to bed with a smile. I never realized just how much I needed something like that until I didn't have it anymore."

"Yeah. I took the time I had with Madsen for granted."

He gives me a nod. "I thought I had more time with Lucille, too."

"Do you want me to put on the white stockings?"

"No," he smirks. "I like these beauties."

Heh, he's got this chubby like Madsen would have as it brushes against my thigh.

"Sorry. I'm trying to think about anything other than being between your legs."

"I don't mind it. He'd have one, too."

"You guys fuck a lot?"

"It was never enough for me. His dick was so good I felt like some kind of degenerate eagerly waiting the next time he'd be inside me." Well, there goes his chubby. "Sorry."

"I asked. My fault. Guess I was kinda hoping you'd say no."

"Is that why you'd cheat on Lucille? Did she not put out?"

He lowers the blade down to clean the shaving cream on it and even well after it's clean, he's not stopping.

I still his hand. "It's okay if you don't wanna answer." I tug the straight razor from his grip. "Let me." I watched Madsen enough, I could do this shit in my sleep. "Why were you hoping I'd say no?"

"Doesn't matter."

"Tell me."

He shakes his head no.

There's no telling what he's thinking, though that sulky dumpy expression makes me wonder if he's jealous of the man Madsen was. After I wipe his face clean, I put some oil in my palm.

He pulls away and looks confused.

"Relax. You have sensitive skin so this will help." I massage the oil in his face. Well, he's got his chubby again.

"That feels fucking... yes."

This is too surreal. God, except for Madsen's blue eyes the resemblance in the low lighting is uncanny. Though Madsen was the kind of person that really didn't animate unless you talked to him. He always had such a serious look about him unlike Negan.

Negan tilts my chin up as he leans in and his lips almost graze mine.

"What are you doing?! Stop!"

"Uh," he flushes.

The fuck? "I should go, man."

"RM, wait. That was stupid of me."

I knew this was a bad idea, and now I'm even more lost than I was before. As I start down the steps I start to wonder if it's that goddamn oil that got me all worked up or him? Maybe I should start to be open to the idea of someone that isn't Madsen?

"Negan," one of his wives moans echo down the hall.

I should have fucking known better.

After my second cigarette, the fucker finally shows. I wait patiently for his speech to the other men to end. Just a bunch of blah blah blah and yada yada yada. Shut up already! I'm almost ran the fuck over when he dismisses them for dinner.

"H- hey, uh, hi," he greets me like a boy going through puberty.

I don't know what I'm more surprised by. That he's addressed me like some bitch in heat in front of his men or those reddening cheeks of his. I didn't think things would be this awkward between us. "Could you help me write a letter to someone?"

"Let me take a shower first and I will."

My eyes sink at the still damp blood on him.

"I know what you're thinking, but it's my blood. Just a disagreement."

It doesn't make me feel better to know he's hurt, but it means something that he considered my feelings about killing. Damn, this is awkward. He's just staring at me with these wide alien eyes. I let out a sigh of relief when he finally leaves. Oh. He left Lucille. That's not like him. She's not dirty, so that means he really wasn't lying about that blood. Well, he's not getting off the hook that easily because he has some pathetic alien face, no matter how cute it is. Ugh. I know Lucille wouldn't be happy with me touching her skin but luckily I have a glove on me. "I know, druggie cunt hands." I hold her between my thumb and index finger outward as if she stinks. My face only validating it. I never realized she's only like a foot and a few inches shorter than I am. Negan makes her look so tiny. Okay, that's a stupid comparison. He makes everyone-

"Stop, you know the rules," nympho wife whimpers around the corner.

The fuck? I find her cornered by four Saviors. "Leave her alone, or I'm going to tell Negan his fence needs a few dickless fucks on it." Lies, of course. But I was scared and shouted off the first thing I could imagine Negan saying. When they leave, I let out a sigh of relief. Though I wonder if Lucille had something to do with this one. "Thank fuck. That was scary."

Nympho wife brushes herself off with a soft sob. "You're the last person I'd expect to help me."

"Well, why? I don't like to see people bullied."

"No, because you hate me."

"I don't really hate people. You just piss me off with your bad fucking attitude."

"I was a lot happier when I was with him believe it or not."

I don't really understand that. He just makes me fucking crazy.

"How is he?"

Why is she asking me? Oh, that's right. No one really knows besides Connor that I left Negan. "Grumpy. Insufferable. I got like fifty more adjectives."

"What's an adjective?"

"It's a describing word."

"I only got to the seventh grade before I dropped out and ran away from home. How about you?"

"I didn't go to school. There's a school here. You could go back."

"Being in the kitchen takes up all my time. I better get going. The lady in there is really strict and I barely have enough points because I keep fucking shit up."

"Wait. Did you like being a wife?"

She starts to cry again, sniffing up her nose. "Yes."

"Negan has cooled down. Come on, let's go talk to him."

"You'd do that for me?"

She seems kinda dumb. I think if I responded with something smart ass, she might think I was serious. "Uh huh."

"Thank you so much, RM."

"You just going to stand there all nympho like?"

"For the record, I don't like it when you call me a nympho. I'm not really even all that sexual of a person. He's just the best I've ever had."

I'm going to puke. "Well?"

"Well, what?"

"Your name."

"Oh, right," she laughs nervously. "Birdie."

"Damn, that's a cool fucking name."

"Thank you," she giggles.

Negan said I could go in his room anytime, so here goes nothing.

"I didn't think you were going to show. I started inventory."

"Here's your scepter, my Lord."

He blinks twice, then swipes her from my hand. "I got a lot on my fucking mind."

Like I give a shit about his excuse to abandon Lucille. Anyway. "You should give Birdie another chance."

"Who the fuck is Birdie?"

"Your wife, dingus."

Negan looks her once over disgusted. "Get out."

"I told you, RM," she frowns.

"No, wait." I tug on her hand some. "Negan, don't act like you don't want her around. That's why I nicknamed her the nympho wife. Now you quit being such a fuck head, and ask her to marry you."

Negan loses his scowl and it's followed by a grin. "Well, who am I to turn down a girl who's practically begging for my cock."

Gross.

"RM, leave us. We're going to make up."

He didn't have to tell me twice. I make myself useful and collect Birdie's things from her room on the first level. Oh! I spot Simon across the way talking with one of the women. In fact, I start to laugh because he's giving her that blank stare that I always do. Hmm, that's kind of odd. It's the exact same stare that I give. I should probably rescue him from his misery. "Simon, Negan said quit playing with your speedo burrito and get to work."

He blinks and snaps out of it as he watches her leave. Simon starts to laugh, shaking his head. "I almost believed you for a second. Thanks. I thought she'd never shut up."

"I know that look when I see it."

"I usually zone out when I can't relate to the conversation. Play a movie in my head or something."

"Me too." I notice we're standing the exact same way so I shift my weight to my other leg. "Hey, wanna hang out?"

"Hang out?"

"I've got some time to kill. I thought maybe we could talk about Madsen?"

"Alright, follow me."

"What's in your hand?"

"Mustard greens and snow peas."

That didn't really answer my question, but whatever. Damn, it's so fucking warm in his room. "Wow." I run over to the corner. My hot breath fogs up the glass. "This is the biggest rat I've ever seen!"

"What? It's not a rat. It's an iguana."

"What's its name?"

"Nikola Tesla."

"Oh, hell yes."

He puts the stuff he was carrying inside the glass case. "Really? You know who that is?"

"Well, yeah."

"Most people just look at me like I've lost my mind."

"Did you know Nikola Tesla was born during a bad lightning storm?"

"No." Simon takes him from the cage and lowers him down some.

"I watched a special on him once." Ugh, this thing feels gross.

"Guess you didn't really come here to pet my lizard."

I tried to contain my laughter but I couldn't. He just keeps putting his foot in his mouth.

"Uh." He clears his throat.

"Better than your ding dong in my mouth."

"So," he starts, trying to change the subject although it's not much better, "you gotta thing for older men or something?"

"Age is fucking stupid."

"Yeah, but, RM, Madsen? He's older than me."

Normally, I'd tell someone to go fuck their-fucking-selves but I really like Simon and I know he's just looking out for me. My eyes well up thinking about being coiled around Madie's leg as he brushed my hair. "Madsen loved me. If anything, I used him."

"I don't believe you used him. In fact, I believe you bettered him."

"What do you mean?"

"I was homeless for a while. Drifting from place to place. Madsen broke the door down at this one place I was squatting at. He and another guy came in and I thought for sure they were going to start shooting up the place. Madsen pulled this guy named Ducky off the ground by his hair, what little there was, and kept repeating 'you want to put your hands on what belongs to me'? The next thing I knew, they took Ducky and left. I found out later Madsen had castrated him."

Don't touch my stockings! Please! No, you're ripping them, stop.

Yeah. Squirm, baby girl.

Ducky didn't deserve what Madsen and Cheeto did to him. I couldn't even look at Madsen after everything.

RM, you know you can stay here as long as you want, but you need to go home. Madsen is in a dark place.

Fuck him, Dominic. You saw what they did to Ducky.

I'm not above that shit, RM. If it were up to me, he'd be dead. The only reason my hands aren't bloody is because I was holding you.

Simon puts Nikola Tesla back in his cage. "I see how uncomfortable you are right now. It's that same look you gave that day when those men were playing soccer. Madsen had that reputation for putting people in the ground, especially when people owed him drug money. Him and that other guy."

"Cheeto." Well… this isn't going at all like I fucking hoped.

"The look on your face is like you're more upset that Madsen castrated him than Ducky hurting you."

"You don't handle shit by hurting people. Madsen was perfect in my eyes, but that was the one thing I could never agree with him on."

"Right before everything fell to fuck, I got really behind on a debt that I owed Madsen. I knew the second I saw him in that alley, I was dead. For whatever reason, he spared me. Now I know it's not because he was feeling generous that day. It was because of you. Today this guy attacked Negan, and I know that Negan had every right to kill him, but he didn't. He just let the guy go. Because of you. I know you get down when people hurt others, but don't let it change your views. The effect you have on people is altering the course of their actions."

"Thanks, you cute little Cheeto."

"I'm not trying to be rude, but you should probably go. I'm kinda nervous that someone might see you and think the wrong thing about us."

"Maybe I could go with you one day when you walk Nikola Tesla?"

"You don't walk iguanas. Well, I guess you could. Alright, when it's warmer though. He hates the cold."

That makes two of us. I hope Negan is done filling the pothole by now. Oh, good. She's in her bed. "Here." I set her stuff down beside her.

"Thanks." She forces a weak smile.

Damn, was the sex that bad? I hope he still wants to help me with that letter. Please have pants on. "Negan?" Ugh. Shit. I figured he'd at least be in a good mood. Not this sulking rage bullshit. "Fine, I'll come back another time," I murmur, starting for his door.

"She told me... everything."

"What? Told you what?"

"How you begged and fucking begged for help, and they ignored you. How they didn't give two fuc...ks... about... me-" He hangs his head, covering his face.

Goddamn her. This is exactly the reasoning I didn't tell him. I knew it would bother him.

"I'm so fucking sorry for the way I've treated you these past few weeks."

"Stop, please. I don't want your apology. It wasn't her place to tell you."

"You just going to carry that with you the rest of your life?"

"Yes, because the last thing I wanted was for this to upset you."

"I've gone and ruined everything between us when all you tried to do was help me."

Because your mouth fucking ruins everything.

"This is the first time since her death that I've truly felt alone."

I'm speechless by his confession as my brows knit in a frown. I ease down on his lap some and give him affection by patting his forearm.

"Will you come home now?"

"I don't think we're good together."

"Is this because I tried to kiss you?"

"You know that's not the reason."

His breath is heavy like he's eagerly waiting for me to change my mind. "I've been making an effort."

"I know you have."

He lowers his head against my chest. It's as submissive as the Savior leader can get. "I fucking miss you, bitch."

I give him every excuse in the book why I can't come live with him, yet he fires a rebuttal right back. It's breaking me but I know I cannot allow myself to fall for this.

"Please come home," he begs one last time.

"Dumpy, I..."